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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is this the done thing with weddings?

269 replies

ApignamedJasper · 10/06/2015 15:10

DP and I have been invited to a wedding next Monday, friend of DP's.

I was invited to the hen do and she (friend) gave me all the details of the ceremony, time, venue etc. I therefore assumed we were invited to the whole day as we had been invited to the ceremony.

Messaged her today to double check the times and whatnot (as we don't have an official 'invite') and found out that we are invited to the ceremony at midday, then expected to go off and amuse ourselves until the evening when we come back for the reception.

Aibu to think this is a bit off?

Maybe it's just because I'm from a culture where if you are invited to a wedding you attend the whole thing but it just seems a bit rude to me. I know some people only get invited to the reception in the evening due to cost/numbers etc and I wouldn't have minded that but it just feels odd to be invited to the ceremony and the reception but not the bit in the middle.

Obviously it is her special day so I'm not going to say anything but it just seems strange to me, DP says this is a completely normal thing for weddings in the UK and that most people do this so maybe IAbu!

OP posts:
Hoppityhippityhop · 11/06/2015 17:20

I think this a strange arrangement. I have always understood that some guests are day guests invited to the ceremony, wedding breakfast and evening reception; while others can be evening reception guests only.

How the guests are split depends on how many meals you can afford to pay for at the wedding breakfast.

I think the arrangement you describe, op, is cheeky.

Rememberallball · 11/06/2015 17:25

Im now wondering if I've come up with a winning formula or will I offend all sorts of guests at my wedding later this summer? Will my wedding become the focus of a thread on an internet forum?

What am I doing?

We are restricted to 50 at our ceremony at a registry office. We can have up to 200 at our reception venue. Parents, siblings, nieces & nephews along with one or two others (such as the photographer) take up the 50 spaces meaning we have invited only them to the registry office. Everyone else is invited to the reception which is 2 hours later and is relaxed and speeches will happen about tea time.

SnozzberryPie · 11/06/2015 17:30

This happened to me years ago, I was about 20 and it was one of the first friends' weddings I went to. It wasn't until the day that about five of us realised that there was a bit in the middle that we weren't invited to, and we were a long way from home so did what most self respecting 20 year olds would and spent the afternoon getting hammered in the pub. I can't remember anything about the evening do Grin

butterfly133 · 11/06/2015 17:38

Rememberallball - you've done it right. What the OP is saying is that there is a middle bit - where the majority of food will be served - that they are not invited to.

So it's not like you're inviting some people to come along to the registry office, go and amuse themselves for 3 hours and eat a meal, then join you for drinks later.

My friends said at the time that if the church could fit more people in, why not? But I have come across a lot of people who would preferred the "evening only" invite. I'm never hanging around some town centre in my wedding guest clothes again, that's for sure.

expatinscotland · 11/06/2015 18:01

I would decline that invite. NO gift, either (bet they are touting for money).

Bunbaker · 11/06/2015 18:44

I see that we are still getting the self important "do you know who I am" posters posting on here because they feel "snubbed" at only getting evening invitations.

Get over yourselves

I would also like to know if these same people would feel more snubbed at not getting an invitation at all.

Weebirdie · 11/06/2015 18:53

Its nothing to do with feeling self important.

Its to do with having standards you live by.

Would I feel more snubbed if I didnt receive an invite? No, I wouldnt.

I wouldn't do it to people and wouldn't expect to have it done to me.

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 11/06/2015 21:21

I don't think people are RTFT it's not about just getting an evening invite, its about being expected to attend a ceremony then wait 5 hours whilst most guests are fed and watered, then let back in again, at the same venue. Some posters didn't even realise they weren't invited to the whole thing.
An evening reception invite is totally normal imo

balletnotlacrosse · 11/06/2015 21:33

"a wedding is about two people only"

This just about sums up the self centred, egocentric attitude of some brides and grooms.

A marriage is about two people only, a wedding is a celebration with family and friends of that marriage ceremony. Treating guests like accessories who will go where they're told, and put up with whatever suits the bride and groom is rude and obnoxious behaviour, and typical of the kind of people who are more focussed on the 'wedding' than on the 'marriage'.

chaletdays · 11/06/2015 21:40

"A wedding is about two people only"

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

So all those guests who have travelled miles and brought presents and taken time off work and arranged babysitters and bought new outfits just don't count at all?

Nice!

fastdaytears · 11/06/2015 21:46

Wow! If your wedding is only about the two of you then why do I have to buy and outfit, pay for an overpriced hotel room etc etc

There are 3 issues here. An evening invite or a ceremony and evening invite isn't a bad thing in itself but:

  1. The practicalities do not sound well thought out. Is there anywhere to go and eat in pretty dress and uncomfortable shoes for 6 hours?
  2. OP was on the hen weekend which is proper odd if she's not important enough for a real invite.
  3. Nothing has been propel communicated ahead of time.

I wouldn't be offended by an evening invite if there was proper communication and I hadn't paid out do the hen do.

Tequilashotfor1 · 11/06/2015 21:52

fastday - you dont!!!

It's not a summons you don't have to go!!

Tequilashotfor1 · 11/06/2015 21:54

ballet this is the reason we are going abroad to get married. To get away from the pearl clutching, entitled B listers.....

LineRunner · 11/06/2015 21:56

Well like I said ^^ , that's all very well if the bride and groom don't get pissy about invitations being declined.

Some, sadly, get very pissy indeed.

chaletdays · 11/06/2015 21:59

Oh you're so right Tequila. How dare those 'b listers' ruin your speshul day by objecting to being asked to kick up their heels for five hours after the ceremony while you and the A listers enjoy a slap up meal.

Peasants, who don't know their place. They'll be devastated you're going abroad.

SingingSands · 11/06/2015 21:59

So, you've been invited to the evening do but can also attend the ceremony because it's open to all (in a church maybe?).

I've done this a couple of times and it was really fine. Church, home for a cuppa and something to eat, chill out reading of the papers, then back out in the evening.

Weebirdie · 11/06/2015 22:00

ballet this is the reason we are going abroad to get married. To get away from the pearl clutching, entitled B listers.....

I would imagine you're not the only one who's happy.

Tequilashotfor1 · 11/06/2015 22:09
Grin
Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 11/06/2015 23:13

In the past I've had several wedding invitations to the ceremony then evening party only. I must admit I've never bothered going to the ceremony and always turn up late to the evening do to avoid having to wait around before the party starts. It's never actually occurred to me that I was actually expected to attend the ceremony and hang around for hours! Oops Blush

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/06/2015 00:38

singing - no, the OP has said she's been invited to the registry office marriage as well.

SanityClause · 12/06/2015 05:34

We offended people by going away to get married, Tequila. MIL was furious that she didn't get to see us get married.

She got over it though inasmuch as she ever gets over anything.

Tequilashotfor1 · 12/06/2015 09:13

sanity I bet it was stress free !

Tbh our lot have been great about it, we have a big family and for one day figured it wasn't worth the cost. We are going to have a knees up when we get back.

butterfly133 · 12/06/2015 09:56

feel like many people haven't read the OP
I think the point about clear communication is vital, but the ones I was invited to with the omission of the meal, there was no other food, plus I got a call from the bride or groom to say "please come to the ceremony, I'm sorry I haven't been able to find a place for you at the meal".

So stupidly, I went along because I thought they wanted me at the ceremony whereas now I realise that it's my right to say no. I notice one poster up thread says "what's the problem, go home" but I've not had one friend get married anywhere near where I live, sadly.

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 12/06/2015 10:20

It's OK if it's clear and they let you know beforehand what's happening.
The latest new thing seems to be this - I've had 2 in the last year, full invites, so 1pm church until late (11pm) with no food. Well, one had very small finger sandwiches brought round but I thought they were a canapé so just had a few. I was 8 months pregnant so would've brought my own food if I'd known. People might think it's entitled, blah blah, but you do expect food in the course of 10+ hours unless they say otherwise
The other new thing (similar to the OP) is to be invited to an expensive hen do and/or receive a save the date then not get an invite at all.
I now assume nothing when I comes to weddings Grin

butterfly133 · 12/06/2015 10:22

1pm church till 11pm should mean 2 rounds of food!

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