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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is this the done thing with weddings?

269 replies

ApignamedJasper · 10/06/2015 15:10

DP and I have been invited to a wedding next Monday, friend of DP's.

I was invited to the hen do and she (friend) gave me all the details of the ceremony, time, venue etc. I therefore assumed we were invited to the whole day as we had been invited to the ceremony.

Messaged her today to double check the times and whatnot (as we don't have an official 'invite') and found out that we are invited to the ceremony at midday, then expected to go off and amuse ourselves until the evening when we come back for the reception.

Aibu to think this is a bit off?

Maybe it's just because I'm from a culture where if you are invited to a wedding you attend the whole thing but it just seems a bit rude to me. I know some people only get invited to the reception in the evening due to cost/numbers etc and I wouldn't have minded that but it just feels odd to be invited to the ceremony and the reception but not the bit in the middle.

Obviously it is her special day so I'm not going to say anything but it just seems strange to me, DP says this is a completely normal thing for weddings in the UK and that most people do this so maybe IAbu!

OP posts:
TheAssassinsGuild · 10/06/2015 20:22

It seems strange to invite you to the hen, but not the whole wedding. To my mind, it's only close friends and relatives who are invited to the hen, so that automatically would put you on the 'A' list.

I've been invited to the ceremony and evening bit of a wedding. I don't like and I think it does smack of 'not good enough' and there was no way DH and I were going to do that. At the same time, I can see why people might do it, as this way that can share their day with more people - it's not always as simple as 'well just choose a cheaper venue then'. I find it less 'off' if you are invited to the ceremony and then the drinks and nibbles reception afterwards and then you bugger off when everyone has dinner. Doesn't muck up the entire day and leaving and then having to come back is very odd I think.

dnwig · 10/06/2015 20:29

Not unusual surely. I'm going to a wedding this week like this. Afternoon ceremony then evening reception. Have researched nice places to have dinner and am looking forward to a day out with other family members who are also going.

fatlazymummy · 10/06/2015 20:30

It seems odd to me. I always thought that if you were invited to the ceremony you were also invited to the reception. Evening dos were for workmates, neighbours and distant cousins.
What used to happen sometimes was that people (probably mostly women) who weren't invited used to wait outside the church/registry office to see the bride and groom come out after the ceremony.

fatlazymummy · 10/06/2015 20:33

And in this situation I wouldn't attend both unless it was in my hometown and I could pop home in the interval. I wouldn't want to hang about in another town, killing time in a pub or something.

meyesmyeyes · 10/06/2015 20:35

In a lot of cases the bride and groom are trying to have a big bash that's beyond their means, instead of having a wedding of a size and level of extravagance that they can afford. Then, instead of cutting down on the cost of the hen night or honeymoon or designer bridal dress and there were no tacky fireworks etc etc, they start picking and choosing which guests they can afford to feed and which will just have to go and find a restaurant and come back in time for the dancing. It's rude.

If the bride and groom settled for a hen and stag night, as opposed to a whole weekend or week away and if there wasn't so much money spent on the dress, and tacky fireworks, etc, and if they didn't insist on choosing the most expensive, showy offy I've only chosen this place because it's naice and expensive venue in the County,
then maybe, just maybe - these bridezillas could afford to invite more people to the sit down meal.
There would be no more A guest lists and B (second class) guest lists.

Tequilashotfor1 · 10/06/2015 20:38

I don't think it's odd ive been to a few like this.

Sometimes they have a sit down meal inbetween and only family and very close friends go. It may be too expensive to feed 100+ guests at a sit down meal.

Then every one is invited to the reception at the night and usually a buffet is offered.

All day weddings drag unless it's someone very close. I much prefer to go off to a local pub with some others and have a few drinks then regroup later.

Speeches are dull!

Tequilashotfor1 · 10/06/2015 20:40

My mil took your stance on this at a cousins wedding and refused to go at all. She had not seen or spoke to the cousin - a young woman for over ten years.

We went with out her and had a blast Grin

Tequilashotfor1 · 10/06/2015 20:42

A list and B list??? Grin

Christ! Some people are so uptight!

sashh · 10/06/2015 20:42

I think this is an invite tot he evening only reception, but if you want to you can go tot he actual wedding itself, it's quite common.

meyesmyeyes · 10/06/2015 20:47

Struck a nerve? Smile

meyesmyeyes · 10/06/2015 20:50

fireworks at wedding receptions, is this a new thing?

Seems a bit tacky to me Grin

Purplepixiedust · 10/06/2015 20:51

I have been to weddings where the invite was to the evening 'do' and not the whole day but as it was a church wedding all were welcome at the ceremony.

I was perfectly happy to go along to the church and then go home for a bit, change for the evening and go along to that. This has happened on a few occasions but has been local and attending the ceremony was an option but not necessarily expected. I were going to a wedding some distance away, I am sure I would be happy to go to the ceremony, explore the area for a few hours and then go to the evening do.

Not everyone can afford for all there guests to attend the whole thing.

When I got married we had 30 to the ceremony and meal and 100 to the evening do. I didn't invite any of the evening only guests to the ceremony because we had a civil ceremony in a hotel and the room was only large enough to accommodate the invited guests.

LaLyra · 10/06/2015 20:55

I find it bizarre when people get so offended about Reception only invitations. Surely it's better than no invitation at all??

Also it's not always just about a bridezilla spending too much. We had evening only invitations because DH has 23 first cousins on FIL's side alone thanks to FIL being one of 9. By the time we had Aunts and Uncles, cousins and their partners plus their children you were talking 70 people! MIL's family are also a big family. So we had Aunts & Uncles all day and cousins in the evening and none of them were the least bit offended because they all done the same for the same reasons. His poor cousin is getting married next year and she's got a massive family because her mother is from an even bigger family! They are all a big close family who see each other pretty regularly (there's always a birthday or christening it seems) so they'd all rather invite each other to a part than miss out completely.

Tequilashotfor1 · 10/06/2015 20:55

Was that for me myeyes?

No I just think it's amusing that anyone would be that bothered and put them self in categories.

This is why we're getting married abroad as you always offend someone.

I don't understand why people can't just go with the flow and enjoy it! Wine

Purplepixiedust · 10/06/2015 20:55

Having said that, a couple of relatives took offence at not being invited to the whole day and didn't come at all or even send a card. They were aunts and uncles who I hardly saw (think weddings, funerals or bumping into them in the supermarket), and I preferred to invite mainly friends and the relatives I was in regular contact with given our limited numbers (and budget). I didn't take offence and they got over it. We still chat in Morrisons every couple of years!

Purplepixiedust · 10/06/2015 20:57

Oh and I didn't have fireworks and my dress was £80 from Debenhams (we spent all our money on the honeymoon) :)

Tequilashotfor1 · 10/06/2015 20:59

purple spending most of your money on a honeymoon is always a winner! Wink

meyesmyeyes · 10/06/2015 21:03

I think the honeymoon is more important than the wedding. Definitely.

Lordofmyflies · 10/06/2015 21:14

I think it depends on the wording of the invite and the situation tbh.
We got married in Cornwall in our family church, 5 hours away from where I was living at the time, so lots of our friends who were invited to the evening reception actually asked to come to the Church, then went out for lunch before joining us in the evening and made a weekend break of it.
If however you are being asked to attend both and make your own entertainment, I think it is slightly rude.

1Morewineplease · 10/06/2015 21:17

Seems a tad offensive if I'm honest... They don't seem to want you for the "main meal"... I'd decline

MrsMook · 10/06/2015 21:31

We had evening invitations for Dh's wider colleagues (his team were invited for the full day), and our neighbours. They were welcomed to our church ceremony. They were local people and I thought it would be nice to give them a chance to witness the ceremony which is the key part of the day. We had several members of the church attend of their own accord which was lovely.

If I was inviting someone from.a distance, I wouldn't do it. It also seems odd to invite someone to the stag / hen do, the evening and the ceremony but not the wedding breakfast. It also seems odd for a single venue wedding.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 10/06/2015 21:35

We had to do this for our wedding as we simply couldn't afford to feed everyone and wanted friends there all day, so some distant family weren't invited to food. We were in a nice touristy town though so there were lots of food options right by the church and things to do. We were clear in the invites and had a few decline, so at least people knew before travelling.

It's not that unusual, particularly amongst more distant friends/family, it's about economics. We've received just such an invite, very clear it's for the wedding ceremony and evening party, we've accepted the wedding but tentative on the party due to having a 10wk old baby and a 6yo to occupy during the afternoon. A bit weather dependent really due to location.

MrsMook · 10/06/2015 21:38

Our limitation was capacity not budget. It was hard enough finding a reception venue for 100. One of the few venues we found happened to be at a special location for us. For the sake of inviting a handful of extra colleagues for a meal, it wasn't worth jumping up to a venue for 150, with a very corporate feel that was contrary to the rest of our day.

Tequilashotfor1 · 10/06/2015 21:40

If your not at the main meal - you are nobody Grin

Or is this the done thing with weddings?
AGnu · 10/06/2015 21:44

Most of our friends only got invited to the church & evening do. We took our lead from several friends who'd got married before us, all of whom had done the same thing. We made a point of inviting family & those who'd had to travel for the sit down meal & had local friends join us for the evening. I think we had about 60 or 70 for the meal I have a big, close family & about another 30 people joining us in the evening. Didn't occur to me that it would be seen as "rude", just how we had to do it to ensure everyone we wanted to celebrate with could join us at some point. At least we fed those who couldn't nip home - one of DH's friends got married in an area we didn't know & we had to fend for ourselves in between the church & evening party.

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