Or is this the done thing with weddings?

[ApignamedJasper]

DP and I have been invited to a wedding next Monday, friend of DP's.

I was invited to the hen do and she (friend) gave me all the details of the ceremony, time, venue etc. I therefore assumed we were invited to the whole day as we had been invited to the ceremony.

Messaged her today to double check the times and whatnot (as we don't have an official 'invite') and found out that we are invited to the ceremony at midday, then expected to go off and amuse ourselves until the evening when we come back for the reception.

Aibu to think this is a bit off?

Maybe it's just because I'm from a culture where if you are invited to a wedding you attend the whole thing but it just seems a bit rude to me. I know some people only get invited to the reception in the evening due to cost/numbers etc and I wouldn't have minded that but it just feels odd to be invited to the ceremony and the reception but not the bit in the middle.

Obviously it is her special day so I'm not going to say anything but it just seems strange to me, DP says this is a completely normal thing for weddings in the UK and that most people do this so maybe IAbu!

That's what I thought! I went easy on the 'canapés' so as not to spoil my dinner, oops.

My DB did this as their reception venue (only decent place in town) was very limited for numbers at tables but the church was huge. It was in SIL's hometown so most people travelled up for the weekend and they didn't want guests to come all that way just for an evening do.

From what I hear the evening guests had a great afternoon at the hotel they were all staying at and I didn't hear any complaints.

I'd go to the ceremony if it was local but if you have issues with childcare etc then just turn up for the evening. Very off in my opinion not to send out proper invites making it clear well before the event though.

Also my view is if you're good enough for the hen do you're good enough for the whole day!

Why do people think an invite is a measure of your value as a person or a friend? It's bizarre. It's not all about you.

Evening do invites fine, being stuck in a hotel for 6 hours that charged a fiver for a drink and set lunches as £40 whilst perched on killer heels, not so great. I had figured out that we where not invited to the middle but a few guests only realised when they where looking at the table plan. Of course we told the bride and groom what a wonderful time we had, and it was no problem that there was an hour delay in the evening getting started whilst the speeches over run!
I was asked by the bride if I was attending when I recieved save the date card which made refusing the invite itself very difficult.

Why do people think an invite is a measure of your value as a person or a friend? It's bizarre. It's not all about you.

I don't see how you can look at it in any other way. It's not like you invite your best friend to the evening do if you have invited 80 people to the whole day. When the couple decide who is invited to what part, they have to make some sort of judgement on how close they are to the guests. Close = whole day. Not so close = evening only. It's not a judgement on you as a person, but it is a judgement on how close you are to the bride and groom. For some guests it's the first time that they have realised that their view of the relationship differs slightly from the way the couple view it.

"I think the problem is that weddings can be so expensive if you want to invite all your friends and family, so you end up having to compromise somewhere, otherwise you'd never be able to have a wedding"

You see, this is the bit where I have an issue. I think Brides and Grooms need to start looking realistically at what size wedding they can afford to cater for, and then go with that. Trying to have absolutely everyone there and then starting to pick out who can and can't go on from the ceremony to the meal is a bit skewed in my view. You just end up creating a two tier system which is rude and also inconvenient for the guests you decide to leave hanging around for hours while the dinner and speeches are going on.

I think if more people opted for weddings they could afford, small and medium sized weddings would become normal again and there would be no expectation from people of an invite to the wedding of a colleague/ friend they don't see that often/ cousin they haven't spoken to in years.

I just think weddings have grown and grown into a kind of monster and a lot of couples think they have to invite absolutely everyone, and they have to have a three day hen party and expensive chair covers at the reception and favours and fireworks and fountains and a Caribbean honeymoon and this, that and the other. So they end up getting into debt, or cutting corners in a way that causes offence, or putting off getting married until they 'can afford' it.

balletlacrosse - sort of. My impression has been that many couples really want this, more than they care for their comfort, feeding etc of guests. I've paid for drinks at weddings where the dress cost £5000.

IMO the "A list" and "B list" thong isn't an issue

Just being invited to the evening do isn't an issue as long as it starts when the invite says

Inviting people to your "wedding" but leaving it up to them to find out by accident or waiting til after they've accepted to make it clear that it's only bits of the wedding they're invited to is rude.

Clearly inviting people to attend a ceremony and then an evening do with many hours in between is annoying and thoughtless if the guest will have travelled and not be able to go home in between.

Be grateful for any invite is stupid - why be grateful; attending weddings costs the invitee plenty, and is not act of charity.

You can always not go isn't always / often true; it often causes offence to turn down wedding invitations.

It's fine to invite to just the evening do as long as the invite doesn't seemto imply (or actually state) that accepting means you will be expected (rather than welcome if it works for you) to attend a ceremony many hours earlier if you accept the evening invite.

The whole invited to big long weekend / expensive hen night (rather than just drinks) but not wedding is weird too - maybe bride has a lot of family who are not hen night company she's inviting to the wedding and sees hen night as about fun with "the girls"... But then it's almost unconnected to the wedding and a bit baffling. But the whole expensive hen night thing (rather than just having a holiday with your friends) is baffling too...

AbbeyRoad, are you actually serious? 10 hours at a wedding with virtually no food at all? I'm speechless. That's not only unbelievably rude but downright cruel!!!

ballet - great post. Some people definitely have their priorities all wrong, and seem to think that the 5000 dress or the 10000 honeymoon are more important than feeding people and not expecting people to sod off for 5 hours in the middle of the day! And yes, people who say they 'can't afford' to get married really hack me off!

Nur, I find hen nights baffling full stop!

I'm pretty much with you on that Lotta - going out for a few drinks a couple of nights before I get, but anything else not really! These days when most people have friends scattered all over I guess just having a few drinks locally doesn't allow you to invite all your friends, so people started coming up with more and more elaborate and expensive residential options!

Is it really necessary to invite to the ceremony though, most people know they can hang around outside the church or register office to see the happy couple. I've done this many times so I can see them before actually turning up later on for the night do. What's the point in causing confusion inviting for the ceremony and then saying you can't come to the reception. Call me cynical but there could be an ulterior motive, as in expecting a bigger wedding present?.

I was quite surprised too Lotta and the couple could afford it, they are high earners.

DH and I are on low wages but we fed all our guests twice and it was a large-ish wedding. The secret to being able to afford it is cutting costs elsewhere e.g. my dress was 200 not 2000, handwritten invites, mate did the photos, etc. But we thought we'd rather spend it on the guests than ourselves. That's traditional in my culture though, for a guest to have to wait outside to be let in or go home hungry would be mortifying for me. But everyone's different in what's important to them I guess

Wow, 10 years ago, I never thought of it as A list and B list!

Our wedding was not extravagant, it was mostly a "home made" affair, but we had a sit-down buffet and there just wasn't space for everyone to come to the afternoon meal, as we have huge families.

A few close friends came to the meal, but most people were invited to the evening. We also invited everyone to join us at the church to see the actual wedding itself, you know, the actual reason for the party. We took care to choose a ceremony time after lunch, so people wouldn't be starving, and we made sure to give lots of details of places people could have an early evening dinner if they wanted to - then we had a cheese and biscuits / fruit buffet in the evening.

Maybe all our friends have now categorised themselves as A or B list, but nobody seems to have taken offence.

We've been to loads of weddings where this was the arrangement. In fact, the most recent one allowed us to have the DC at the service and time to take them home to the babysitter before DH and I went back to the evening party. We've also been to a wedding far away from us (no DC) where the "B" listers waited in a local pub while the service took place in the register office, then we were all able to see B&G come out. It was all fine!

'I was asked by the bride if I was attending when I recieved save the date card which made refusing the invite itself very difficult.'

See, I don't get this, or that you cannot turn it down without causing offense. It is an invitation. If you don't like it, it doesn't suit, whatever, you politely decline and if you need to, make up an excuse.

Asking someone when you send out a 'save the date card' (another stupid invention) is silly. You just say, 'I'm not sure, I need to check my calendar and get back to you.'

No idea why people find it hard to say no when it's not exactly your sister or best friend. 'Sorry, I double checked, we've already arranged to and paid to go away that weekend.' 'X has a big dance tournament/football tournament/etc that weekend.' 'I'm going to rehab that weekend' whatever.

Why do people kowtow to ridiculous things just because it's a wedding?

'DH and I are on low wages but we fed all our guests twice and it was a large-ish wedding. The secret to being able to afford it is cutting costs elsewhere e.g. my dress was 200 not 2000, handwritten invites, mate did the photos, etc. But we thought we'd rather spend it on the guests than ourselves. That's traditional in my culture though, for a guest to have to wait outside to be let in or go home hungry would be mortifying for me. But everyone's different in what's important to them I guess'

My culture is similar. If you cannot afford a big sit down meal with service (this whole 'breakfast' thing) for everyone then you have a big buffet. Or you have a 'cake and coffee/tea' - the ceremony in the afternoon around 2, then cake and tea/coffee in a church or village hall after and that's it. I've even been to potluck/bring and share BBQ receptions.

I don't think I've ever been insulted by being invited to only the evening part of the reception - I've never "suddenly had my eyes opened" to being a second-best friend, as it were, I've always known that these friends are not as close as others, and vice versa.

Only once was I a bit insulted - and that was when everyone else at the place I worked at was invited to the evening reception but I wasn't. It's a bit like the "whole class bar one" invitations at school (and really felt like it too!) Up until that point I hadn't realised that the person I worked with and joked with didn't even want me to show up to the evening reception of her wedding. But then, she was just a colleague, not a friend.

I think there's a big difference between 'we're getting married and there'll be a party in the evening after the meal. Would love if you could come'

and

'We're getting married. Please come to the ceremony and the evening party, but you're not among the 'ceremony' guests chosen for the meal, so please go away and come back later'.

And I agree with pp. Just have the wedding you can afford. Making all your guests feel welcome and appreciated is far more important than fireworks and favours and a cast of thousands attending bits and pieces of the wedding.

I've never felt insulted by being kindly invited to an evening party. Perfectly normal in my day.

Family and very close friends invited to the wedding and the Reception meal which follows on from the service, then bigger groups of friends - say work colleagues, or friends from a hobby you do or whatnot, invited to come along and join the party in the evening. Quite commonly, people who are invited to the evening realise that the wedding ceremony is actually the important part of the whole occasion, so like to come along to that too. You don't have to, and, where it is midweek, it's not so likely many people will, but a lot of people who are able to, would like to. Back in the day (before hotels and other venues were able to hold wedding ceremonies) most weddings were in Churches which are public anyway. Quite normal for - say neighbours, or family friends who had watched you grow up - to come along to the service without an invitation to any part of the day.

I think there was a subtle difference BackforGood. Neighbours showing up at the Church for a look at the bride, is not the same as invited guests being told they have to disappear for a few hours while the 'real' guests enjoy the dinner and speeches.

No- but as I said, you can look at it the other way.... many of us, when invited to an evening do, also like to be able to go along to the wedding - if you are going to do that, then you need to know where it is, and that you are welcome.

Sorry, still sounds rude to me.

We did this and didn't realise it was rude or entitled. .. If only if had mn then!

Our parents were paying for the whole thing so out of 100 afternoon reception guests, we were allowed 20 friends. That really doesn't go very far! A lot of our friends were local so could go home for a bit or students so happy to spend the afternoon in the pub. We hadn't been to many weddings before ours so had no idea there was anything wrong (and I still didn't til 5 minutes ago). It was 13 years ago so not a "these days" thing, just a skint and wanting as many people as possible to come to as much as possible. We put on dinner in the evening if that makes it any better. ...