Or is this the done thing with weddings?

[ApignamedJasper]

DP and I have been invited to a wedding next Monday, friend of DP's.

I was invited to the hen do and she (friend) gave me all the details of the ceremony, time, venue etc. I therefore assumed we were invited to the whole day as we had been invited to the ceremony.

Messaged her today to double check the times and whatnot (as we don't have an official 'invite') and found out that we are invited to the ceremony at midday, then expected to go off and amuse ourselves until the evening when we come back for the reception.

Aibu to think this is a bit off?

Maybe it's just because I'm from a culture where if you are invited to a wedding you attend the whole thing but it just seems a bit rude to me. I know some people only get invited to the reception in the evening due to cost/numbers etc and I wouldn't have minded that but it just feels odd to be invited to the ceremony and the reception but not the bit in the middle.

Obviously it is her special day so I'm not going to say anything but it just seems strange to me, DP says this is a completely normal thing for weddings in the UK and that most people do this so maybe IAbu!

balletnotlacrosse - that was a great post!

katese11 -there isn't anything 'wrong' with it in the Real World. There's a LOT of things on MN that the professionally offended get upset about, but people in RL view completely differently

Sounds dire
Don't go

All the people who post on mumsnet live 'real life' lives. The demographic might be different from your own group so friends and acquaintances but it's no less real - unless you think everyone who disagrees with your view point is doing so to make some weird point but in reality thinks completely differently?

DH and I were once invited to "watch the wedding photographs being taken". Not to the ceremony or the "do" but just to watch the photos being taken.

We were a bit but the couple getting married weren't really close friends of ours, DH worked with the bride that was all.

The day of the wedding was beautiful and the venue was a National Trust property known for its beautiful gardens, so we went along, had a wander round the gardens and the buildings. We waited in the garden outside the ceremony room and could hear the harp being played, then the wedding party came outside and we watched the photos being taken. We were offered champagne while this was happening, then when we the time came for them to go inside for the reception we left to go home.

It was a pleasant afternoon and we weren't upset at all that we hadn't been invited to the ceremony or reception.

Backforgood as Nooka said people who post on mn are living in the real world - they aren't fairy tale creatures...

It isn't offensive to be invited this way, it's inconvenient and thoughtless if the invitee has to travel and the invite presents ceremony - long break - evening do as a package deal.

People do get offended if you just turn down wedding invitations without a watertight "excuse" so "just don't go" is flippant - usually there are consequences to just not going (especially when it's distant/ very extended family - maybe not when it's work colleagues).

Work colleagues can go home though (if you marry near where you live and work).

The OP is about a situation involving friends, expensive hen nights and travelling a distance that will make going home in between impossible - it's a thoughtless invite especially as it wasn't made clear in the first place when the op paid out for the hen night and accepted the wedding invitation.

'People do get offended if you just turn down wedding invitations without a watertight "excuse" so "just don't go" is flippant - usually there are consequences to just not going (especially when it's distant/ very extended family - maybe not when it's work colleagues).'

Then you make up an excuse. You don't see distant/extended family all the time, so it's not hard to make up an excuse.

If the invitation doesn't suit you, the people are ridiculous and want you to travel to watch and then sit there for hours, make up an excuse and don't go.

I wouldn't be offended, I just wouldn't go.

But where has all the discussion of being offended come from?

The OP thinks it's "a bit off" and it is - because it's self absorbed and thoughtless to ask people to do this when travel is involved, not because it's offensive.

I turned down a wedding invite from a cousin I'veonly seen about once every other year tthroughout childhood and less often as an adult (for a totally different reason - attending would have cost as much as our normal annual holiday and been a pita as it was term time an involved a very long drive or flights) and the ripples of offence ran through to much closer family - my parents and siblings were snotty about it, which I hadn't anticipated. So ime turning down inconvenient wedding invites has re processions in terms of causing all sorts of unintended offence.

'So ime turning down inconvenient wedding invites has re processions in terms of causing all sorts of unintended offence.'

And the offense is their problem. It's ridiculous to presume someone's wedding trumps a person's financial means, own family, holiday plans and annual leave.

I agree expat :o

But never the less the people saying "Just don't go, a wedding invitation is not a summons" are oversimplifying except where the level of acquaintance is very casual. Sending a thoughtless invite puts people in an awkward situation often - suck up the expense and inconvenience or get yourself in people's bad books by not going.

It is very off, I think. If you can't afford to have everyone you want to your afternoon reception/wedding breakfast, that's fine - just invite them to the big slap-up do in the evening. That's common practice. People spend the day as they want and then just get to go to a nice party.

But to invite people to the wedding ceremony and then expect them to buy their own lunch and then hang around all afternoon amusing themselves so they can turn up to the evening party is just not on.

It's simple, really. If you're the bride and groom, it's your responsibility to treat your guests with courtesy and in the way you yourself would like to be treated. You don't hold your wedding in a massively inconvenient or out of the way location, you don't expect people to spend a fortune on hotel rooms, you don't keep them waiting round for hours for food. And you don't tell them they can come to the ceremony and the evening do but not the reception.

I have spoken to DP and he agreed it would be best to just attend the evening do, which I am fine with. I kinda wish I hadn't spent out on a new dress though, I didn't have anything I felt would be 'wedding appropriate' at the time but I probably wouldn't have got it if I had known that it would only be worn for a few hours in the evening.

I am surprised though that DP is not invited to much in her big day as they are close friends, so much so that he used to get up early to go and exercise with her before work so that she could stay on track with her wedding dress diet! Ah well, it's her day, I hope it all goes well.

Oh please enjoy your dress - and the time you spend socialising with your lovely DP. A few hours of 'down time' with friends, catching up on chat and laughing is so well worth it. You will feel like a million dollars in your new dress - and you deserve it.

I think your 'sadness and upset' for your DP has shone through this thread. You feel he deserved more than just being invited to evening celebrations.

Both of you will walk into the evening do and many of the 'wedding party' will say "Where were you? We thought you'd be here earlier...." Smile sweetly and say,

"Well we are here now ..... Where's the bar?"

Enjoy OP!

Had the same as Captain Swan - invite from happy couple to their wedding....said "yes ofcourse"...booked the hotel, said yes to expensive hen do (bloody miles away) and THEN found out on the hen do we'd only been invited to the evening part of the wedding. Awkward conversation that was...especially as everyone from her neighbour to her bloody dog walker was going to the whole thing.
Ofcourse by that point we couldn't cancel - having told b&g we'd love to go...so we rocked up to evening do, having got babysitter, driven miles and paid expensive hotel bill only to find we weren't "2nd tier" guests not included in the main celebration but in fact "3rd tier" ( they had people to the ceremony, another larger group to the wedding breakfast and a third group to the evening only). Result was DH and I were only allowed in once every one else was pissed and as we knew no one that was really fun....we ended up sat in the hotel room getting pissed on our own so good night but unbelievable expense!