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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is this the done thing with weddings?

269 replies

ApignamedJasper · 10/06/2015 15:10

DP and I have been invited to a wedding next Monday, friend of DP's.

I was invited to the hen do and she (friend) gave me all the details of the ceremony, time, venue etc. I therefore assumed we were invited to the whole day as we had been invited to the ceremony.

Messaged her today to double check the times and whatnot (as we don't have an official 'invite') and found out that we are invited to the ceremony at midday, then expected to go off and amuse ourselves until the evening when we come back for the reception.

Aibu to think this is a bit off?

Maybe it's just because I'm from a culture where if you are invited to a wedding you attend the whole thing but it just seems a bit rude to me. I know some people only get invited to the reception in the evening due to cost/numbers etc and I wouldn't have minded that but it just feels odd to be invited to the ceremony and the reception but not the bit in the middle.

Obviously it is her special day so I'm not going to say anything but it just seems strange to me, DP says this is a completely normal thing for weddings in the UK and that most people do this so maybe IAbu!

OP posts:
SakuraSakura · 10/06/2015 21:50

YANBU. So rude of them. Anyone you invite to spend time & money celebrating your hen, is someone who should be invited to your full wedding. For others that you're not as close to, invite them to the afters for a party by all means, but don't expect them to A.: attend hen/stag B: attend the marriage ceremony then wait for you to eat, C: give you a big present. You are not rent-a-crowd!

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 10/06/2015 21:50

Like others I've seen/received invitations to the evening party with a note saying where the ceremony would be held. DH & I have always worked in large companies where it seems normal to receive an invitation to the evening part. There's times I've been along in the day, waved the bride into the church then gone home and did whatever then turned up at the evening do.

It doesn't seem weird to me. But, I've only really seen this situation for work colleagues etc rather than good friends and if OP has been on the hen do it does seem odd. Also it only works if the wedding is local else it's just a load of faff.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/06/2015 21:51

It is rude, this happened with 'friends' of ours. Invited to the ceremony, amuse ourselves for a few hours, then back to B list reception. We turned up at the stated time, and we're kept waiting for 1.5 hours, as the A reception had not finished yet. Was incredibly rude. Plus the food was not dissimilar to that from Iceland food. This wedding took 2 years to plan and cost 12k 12 years ago, in a posh hotel.

eurochick · 10/06/2015 21:53

I've been invited to one like this. I was invited on my own without my partner and didn't know anyone apart from the groom, so it was going to be hard work anyway. I didn't understand from the invitation that there was a middle bit I wasn't invited to. I only twigged when I couldn't find myself on the seating plan and asked the groom. It was cringeworthy. I just wanted to go home at that point but felt it would look bad so sat in the hotel reception on my own for about three hours waiting for the next bit to start.

I'm 39 and it is still the only wedding I have ever heard if (outside this thread) where people are invited to the ceremony and evening reception but not the dinner in the middle.

CrapBag · 10/06/2015 22:55

I've never heard of this!

I wouldn't bother with the ceremony. Who wants to see them get married if you aren't important enough to go to the main reception after.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 10/06/2015 23:20

We did something along these lines.

Got married very young, in uni summer holidays and in my hometown. As everyone was home and it was our last chance for a big meet up (one of my closest friends was moving abroad literally the next day!) I invited the entire gang from school to the evening do. One was a Christian so asked if she could come to the ceremony. "That's fine" I say "Legally anyone who wants to has to be allowed - it'll be lovely to have you".

The next thing I knew one of my friends who lived 2 mins from the church was organising pot luck lunch for 30 (ceremony at 3pm) and all the girls were happily planning their hats.

They all got a bit tipsy at lunch and apparently swarmed down the road in their finery at top volume. (Dh said he heard them a good minute before they arrived.)

After the ceremony and photos they went to the local pub and drank even more. They then grabbed some chips and walked half a mile over the fields to the evening do where they devoured the buffet.

A great party was had by all. There was dancing on tables. The DJ told my dad afterwards we were the best crowd he'd had for over a year.Grin

It's nearly 15 years ago and one of them emailed me just recently to tell me he had the hangover from hell and the only other time he'd been that I'll was after my wedding. I'm pretty sure they had a good time Grin

Bunbaker · 10/06/2015 23:29

It's only on MN that people get so up themselves and full of self entitlement about wedding invitations.

"Don't go, and then dump them as friends. HTH."

This is a classic example

I have only been invited to one wedding where the OP's scenario happened and I just went to the wedding because I couldn't go to the evening. I knew the couple were skint. My friend was pregnant and the wedding was a rush job. I felt flattered to be asked.

Weddings are expensive and some people like to invite all of their friends and in many cases the only way to do this is to just invite the expanded guest list for the evening. I wouldn't feel at all snubbed if I was only an evening guest.

Gibble1 · 10/06/2015 23:39

Not read the whole thread but......
I was invited to a colleagues hen weekend in London. I went to school with this girl and we were friends. There were 10 of us who went to the hen weekend and it was not widely talked about at work because she only wanted her friends to go. The weekend cost >£150. When the invitations came out, I was shocked to find that I was only invited to the evening do.

I was actually really offended, as were the rest of the hen weekend invitees who were not invited to the whole day.

IMHO, you should only be inviting people to a weekend away if you are inviting them to the whole day. If you're not close enough to invite them to your wedding meal, you aren't close enough for them to shell out £150 plus for your hen do- especially as we paid more to cover the cost of her weekend too.

whois · 10/06/2015 23:41

Yeah, evening guest is fine.

Being asked to the hen do, then the actual wedding, then being told you're not close enough to get fed but uh lease do one back in 4 hours for the piss up is not cool...

IssyStark · 10/06/2015 23:51

When I get an evening invitation, I'm always pleased if there is a note about the ceremony as that's the important bit I like to go to. I feel honoured to be asked at all and do not understand this offence at A list and B list.

However I would be a bit miffed if I'd been asked to attend the hen do (and it wasn't a work colleague) and not then the whole day but that's more to do with what think Hen dos are for.

Out2pasture · 11/06/2015 02:53

it isn't uncommon for there to be several hours between the service and the reception. the couple and wedding party will take off for professional photo's. if your from oot then it is a very awkward time (killing 3 hours while formally dressed).

because of the cost of the meal often there are less people invited to that portion. I guess it's how they organized their budget.

TheGirlAtTheRockShow · 11/06/2015 04:50

Are they actually having a wedding breakfast? Friends of mine wanted an informal day, so had the ceremony then nothing till the evening do. They went off for some photos and chill out with their young children. Guests amused themselves. Then at 7 was a buffet and party.
It seemed odd to those who didn't know that was the plan, but was how they wanted to do it.

Spermysextowel · 11/06/2015 05:55

My uncle had a tight budget for his wedding. The wedding breakfast was a buffet catered for by his relatives ie my mother's sausage-meat plait; my aunt's rice salad.
The evening guests had KFC Bargain Bucket.
I was about 8 & soooo wanted the KFC! I'd've been very happy to have been a B lister.

Royalsighness · 11/06/2015 05:55

YANBU, I've heard of this before and it's so so rude

Bunbaker · 11/06/2015 06:33

But it isn't rude.

CuppaSarah · 11/06/2015 06:35

It's so sad this is common practice now. I mean, sure times are tough and people often have kids before marriage so less disposable income. But why don't people just scale back their ideas? Why have aban expensive 3 course wedding breakfast for half your guests in a lovely hotel. When you could hire a hall and do a lovely much cheaper meal or buffet for everyone. The food and speeches are my favriote part too, I'd be gutted to miss them. You can have a really great budget wedding if you try, its not as easy to plan as an expensive one. But it's less stressful.

nooka · 11/06/2015 06:58

I got married almost 20 years ago and most of my siblings/cousins got married in the five years before or after. We all had a ceremony and a party, and everyone was invited to both. No wedding breakfast or sit down meal for select people, either a lunch buffet party for morning weddings or an evening party with buffet for afternoon weddings. All organised and paid for by parents, and mostly pretty similar - nice venue or marquee tent, good food decent drink and none of the fiddly extra things.

Weddings now seem very long, overly complicated and excessively expensive. I don't know if this is the result of great marketing by wedding planners or just the effect of people getting married later and organising the event for themselves rather than being grateful and/or annoyed with whatever their parents decide to put on.

piddlemakesmegiggle · 11/06/2015 06:59

My niece married recently 200 miles away from where I live. My brother and sister (neither her parent) were invited to the whole shin dig (they live considerably closer). I was invited to church then expected to amuse myself in a strange town for 5 hours until the evening do. Needless to say I didn't go to any of it.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 11/06/2015 07:00

Not rude at all, in fact I think the guests who take offence are the ones being rude and showing an inflated sense of their own importance. I think it's a lovely idea to invite the evening guests to the ceremony as well (and no, we didn't do it this way so no nerve has been touched)

Bunbaker · 11/06/2015 07:04

You put it better than I did WhoKnows

In my friend's case the wedding was a rush job and they didn't have an expensive sit down meal, they were just skint, but wanted to share their joy. They are divorced now Sad

littlejohnnydory · 11/06/2015 07:41

I think it's perfectly normal. It's an evening invitation and the ceremony is open to anyone. It wouldn't occur to me to be offended.

Roseforarose · 11/06/2015 07:52

Makes me wonder if this is a way of getting a better wedding present than if you were only invited to night do. .

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 11/06/2015 07:59

I think that says more about you than them if I'm honest Roseforarose.

I genuinely don't think people organise their weddings with a list of people they want to piss off, or with a view to extracting maximum gift value from them.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 11/06/2015 08:06

A friend of mine went to a wedding like this. A fair few of the guests had about 5 hours or more to "entertain themselves" between the ceremony and the evening do so they headed off into town and proceeded to go on an afternoon bar crawl where they all got incredibly wasted and missed the evenings wedding entertainment entirely. Oops. Friend said they had a fantastic time out in town though Grin There was about 20 or so in that group alone and think there were a few more who also had 5+ hours to kill who didn't go back after.

Evening do was embarrassingly quiet, newlyweds were fuming.

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 11/06/2015 08:21

Whether it's rude or not Hmm It's bloody awkward.

People do do it but it does seem inconsiderate to me -unless all your guests/ all the people invited in this way are local (perhaps work colleagues) and can easily go home if they choose.

To expect people to travel a distance but hang around for 5 hours between 2 events is very thoughtless.

Attending weddings is often bloody expensive - travel costs, potentially new clothes if you have nothing suitable, sometimes over night accommodation, always a pretty hefty amount on a gift... to add in 5 hours in a strange city will usually mean spending more unless it's convenient for free attractions I suppose - but it's hard to while away 5 hours in wedding guest clothing (not always suitable for lots of walking) in a city where you have no "home base" - even worse if it's in a smaller town or countryside location without much to do except get and pay for a meal ...

I haven't been invited to a wedding with that set up but think it would be ok if it was easy to pop home for the interval but if not I'd only go to cceremony or evening do, not both. I can see why it pisses people off if the hosts know they'll have a significant journey and think it's pretty thoughtless in that case.