Or is this the done thing with weddings?

[ApignamedJasper]

DP and I have been invited to a wedding next Monday, friend of DP's.

I was invited to the hen do and she (friend) gave me all the details of the ceremony, time, venue etc. I therefore assumed we were invited to the whole day as we had been invited to the ceremony.

Messaged her today to double check the times and whatnot (as we don't have an official 'invite') and found out that we are invited to the ceremony at midday, then expected to go off and amuse ourselves until the evening when we come back for the reception.

Aibu to think this is a bit off?

Maybe it's just because I'm from a culture where if you are invited to a wedding you attend the whole thing but it just seems a bit rude to me. I know some people only get invited to the reception in the evening due to cost/numbers etc and I wouldn't have minded that but it just feels odd to be invited to the ceremony and the reception but not the bit in the middle.

Obviously it is her special day so I'm not going to say anything but it just seems strange to me, DP says this is a completely normal thing for weddings in the UK and that most people do this so maybe IAbu!

No problem with evening invites, but only when they are upfront. I have had the save the date card with a list of hotels. When the invite arrived the ceremony time with the evening time and the middle missed out. (Also had the expensive hen do). Dressing up an evening invite to look more than it is wrong. A guest should not be left confused by an invite.

Well I wouldn't do it because I think it's rude, so I suppose that says something about me too.

I would never have done this at our wedding, it is far too inconvenient for people. If I received such an invite, depending on who it was, I may or not go to both bits. I would find it weird getting dressed up, going home or to hang about somewhere for several hours in the wedding clothes, then heading back in the evening.

Nah, wouldn't be for me at all.

I think the wording of the invite could make this type of invite ok. As long as it was clear there is no expectation that you must attend the ceremony but that you are welcome if you wish then I think it can be ok. If things are spelt out on an invite then its churlish for guests to accept both parts of the invite and still complain.

I wouldn't mind receiving an invite like that but then I would happily decline any parts of the wedding that I didn't want to go to.

I am also ok with there being A list guests and B list guests. I would not be offended to be a B list guest. Which is lucky as I have been a B list guest a few times

Saying all that though we had a wedding where all the guests came for the whole thing. So you were either A list or not invited. Since joining mumsnet I've come to realise that you are going to offend someone whatever you do.

I've always hated going to weddings that take up the whole day anyway. We got married in the last available slot on a Friday at 4pm so that people didn't even have to take the whole day off. Then we had photos etc followed by one big reception with a meal and speeches for everyone who'd attended the ceremony. Straight into the disco afterwards with bacon butties around 9pm if anyone was getting peckish. I'm sure it worked out a lot cheaper doing it that way too, even with a free bar, so we could invite everyone we wanted.

Yes, it is bloody rude I think. DH and I were invited, by invitation, to one of his best friend's weddings. We attended the ceremony, outdoors, in the rain sadly, then had to get lost and come back for the evening do. Turns out there was an A list DH didn't make who were accommodated between the two. Wouldn't mind but we had flown 9 hours to get there... Not impressed. It wasn't at all clear that this would be the case on the invitation btw.

And. To add insult to injury they did the 'your presence is our present but give us cash' thing enclosed with the invitation. He is Australian and she is British. I do wonder whose 'idea' it was. Mind you, they obviously both agreed to it so bollocks to both of 'em.

I just don't buy all this rubbish about 'you should be so honoured to be invited at all. Poor struggling couple......' etc etc.

For years people managed to organise weddings that didn't involve hugely inconveniencing guests, and leaving them hanging around for hours. Just invite the number of guests that you can afford to feed and, if you want a load of extras, have an evening party with sandwiches provided.

I don't feel the least bit 'honoured' to be invited to some big splashy wedding where I'm obviously expected to make a sizeable cash donation to fund the honeymoon and where the b&g have invited the world and his mother, and then cut corners in ways that insult or seriously inconvenience guests who have gone to trouble and expense to attend the big day (and often a hen or stag party as well.)

Do you have to go? If you don't want to, dont. If you do, do.
It's inconvenient for you maybe but it is their day and if they want to do it that way, that's up to them really.
If it bothers you that much just go to the evening or don't go at all.
You think that's bad? I'm getting married at 8.30 am and having a huge selfish gap in tween having our receltion at 7pm so guests will have to entertain themselves if they wish to attend both (which everyone's been told theirs no pressure to do).

But if people have their wedding reception in a damp church hall with a buffet consisting of value crisps and sausage rolls just so they can afford to invite everyone they know and treat them all the same then people will piss and moan about how 'mean' they are.
A lot of the time these whining. self-obsessed guests who think the whole day should be arranged for their convenience don't even know how many siblings/cousins/longstanding family friends the couple are obliged to invite, either.

Really SGB. It's whining and self obsessed to object to being invited to travel miles to a wedding and then realise you're not even going to be fed? And yes, I think a simple and inclusive buffet is much better manners than a slap up meal for a chosen few, with the rest being told to wander around and amuse themselves until the elite are ready for them to rejoin the party. No one has to invite 150 people to their wedding. If you can only afford to cater for 30 then just invite 30. It is the people who moan in those circumstances about not being invited that are 'whiny and self obsessed'.

I agree with SGB. I'd always rather be invited to part of the day than none. If it's too difficult I won't go, but I won't whinge and moan about it.

As I said upthread, declining the invitation is always an option. As long as the bride and groom don't get pissy about it.

I declined the evening one where I would have been waiting for it somewhere on my own for six hours (partner not invited). The bride hasn't spoken to me since, but the groom was fine with it because I went to the church bit which was what mattered to him and then I went back home.

And I declined months in advance, so they knew they had a spare space for the evening party.

LineRunner. I'd be glad to get rid of a 'friend' like that. She did you a favour by showing you her true nasty colours.

She's a bit up herself

That's rather a simplistic view susan

There is alway the option of not going. It's not a summons as PP up thread stated.

I actually can't get over at how many posters see it as an insult and start labelling them selfs A or B. I think it's similar to members of my family actually falling out over who was going in the lead funeral cars at my granddads funeral. My poor grandmother ended up paying for four limos so every fucker that thought they deserved to be in the top cars could get in.

A wedding is about two people only. People should just be happy to see them enjoy their big day.

We're getting married in Cuba next year. It cuts all the shit out - and were not paying for anyone one else!

I would have thought you wouldn't invite people to your hen party if you didn't deem them close enough/important enough friends to invite them to your entire wedding.
Rude, IMO.

I wouldn't go to a evening do with out my DP being invited . I mean who the hell is going to buy my drinks and hold my handbag

I think it's really difficult. It's much better to have everyone invited to the whole thing but it all comes down to money. I hate going to evening do's. It's horrible when everyone's already half cut when you arrive and you know that they are the chosen ones and you are not - especially with big group of friends where it's not always obvious whether you are going to be A and B, and then you realise that they don't like you as much as you thought they did!
However, now having been in that boat myself I realise that it all comes down to the money and people are always going to be offended no matter what you do. Weddings are a minefield. I'd never be upset with anyone now. The best thing is to make the best of it, make a lovely day of it for you and your other half. Or don't go. But don't be upset about it because really given then choice i'm sure they'd rather everyone was there, it's just usually the bloody money that spoils it!

For years people managed to organise weddings that didn't involve hugely inconveniencing guests
^ This!

People always say don't go if you don't want to, but that in itself causes offence... I've still not been for given for a wedding I declined to go to when I had a small baby, which would have involved 2 nights accommodation, flights and hire car or a fortune in taxis, and all sorts of jolly joiny in stuff the day before which I bloody hate anyway would have been very awkward with a baby. Couple were very short with us (after saying "but we're providing high chairs, it's child friendly" when Iddeclined on the basis of logistics). It would have cost more than our usual annual holiday to attend. So I declined. Which was apparently looked poorly upon by wider family and taken as an insult by the couple.

But you can always not go.

At our wedding 4 years ago we had a ceremony at the church at 1pm, followed by tea/coffee & cake so that anyone that wanted to could come along. We then had our photographs while people were milling around then walked a short distance to a small hall where we had a sit down meal at 3pm for family and close friends (including folks who had helped us out e.g. making the cake), about 60 in total. In the evening (7.30 pm), we transferred to the church hall for a ceilidh with our wider circle of friends/colleagues, probably around 100. It was a bring your own booze affair and we provided bacon butties/veggie burgers half way through.

Many of mine and DH's family had travelled and all those who had, were invited to the whole thing. Some of mine and DH's work colleagues and friends who we know but not closely were invited to the ceremony and the evening do. I widely made it known that the church was free for anyone to come and watch, so some of my parents' friends who had known me growing up were at the church. Apart from travel costs/accommodation (we live in a touristy city so there is a wide variety of places to stay), nobody had to pay for anything. We were in the city centre and all venues were walkable. There is no way we could have afforded to have a sit down meal for all the people who we wanted to invite, but we also felt it was important that those who had travelled long distances should at least get a proper meal. A venue that seated all the people that were at the evening do would have been far too astronomical and would have probably had to be out of town anyway, making it more awkward for people to get to. Every part of our wedding was planned not only to be what we wanted, but not to cause too much inconvenience to those attending - what we wanted was for people to enjoy being there with us, and from the feedback I think we achieved that (although I know people wouldn't say anything else).

I had no idea that how we arranged things could have been considered rude by some - this arrangement seems perfectly normal to me and evidently to all those whose weddings I have attended (sometimes as a guest of the whole thing and sometimes just at the evening do). I have been to weddings where I have been at the church, gone home or had a meal in town, then gone back to the hotel for the evening do. I knew I wasn't on the A list but that's fine, I didn't know them well enough to expect to be given a 3 course meal. I certainly would never feel entitled to be at someone's entire day (although maybe immediate family....) and am always pleased to be invited at all. Yes I can imagine it might be a bit awkward to be out in the middle of nowhere with a 4 hour hanging-around period not being able to get into accommodation, but if that's how the couple have organised it, then that's what must happen. There's always loads of hanging around at weddings anyway, if it's a wedding where I am not part of the family/a close friend, and won't know many there, I appreciate not having to do the small talk thing with people I vaguely know for hours on end.

I think 'evening do's are awful unless there is a quiet room where you can chat with people who you may not have seen since the last wedding/funeral.

it is deadly boring watching a load of pissed up people on the dance floor when the music is too loud for a conversation.

We did this at our wedding - ceremony at 2pm, reception straight after with meal at approx 5pm, then an evening buffet later. We could only afford approx 60 people for the sit down meal, but there were a lot of other people we wanted to invite to the party in the evening. The people coming just to the buffet lived locally so it wasn't like they were stranded in the middle of no where. I didn't realise people found it so offensive... No one moaned about it to me. In our case it was financial constraints that forced us to do this.
I have been invited to the wedding and just the evening do - can't say it upset me. I just assumed they couldn't afford / didn't have space to invite me to the sit down meal. meh.

I went to an evening do the other week, you know what? It's was great! Loads of my friends went to the whole thing but the bride and groom couldn't invite all of us as it was a budget of 60 for a package deal they got...I didn't feel on any list (where did this A list B list start and who the hell started it?!)
I turned up, sober whilst everyone else was already tipsy and I had a real laugh, a few drinks and a few drinks more. I didn't even get any cheese and buscuits and I still couldn't of cared less! I was genuinely chuffed to be there and enjoyed it so much. I think if you can't feel like that about celebrating the start of a loved ones marriage then you shouldn't go. Go plonk yourself on the "C" list and stay at home.

I haven't read the whole thread

I have been invited to weddings like this and also had the experience of being let in late to the party bit while sitting around like lemons.

I have decided in future I will only go to one bit - the shortest bit I take the view that if I am not invited to the whole thing, I'm not a close friend, so that shouldn't cause offence. (Realistically, I probably wouldn't go at all if it wasn't a close friend but it came up recently with a family friend's daughter - she ended up adjusting the wedding because so many took offence).