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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is this the done thing with weddings?

269 replies

ApignamedJasper · 10/06/2015 15:10

DP and I have been invited to a wedding next Monday, friend of DP's.

I was invited to the hen do and she (friend) gave me all the details of the ceremony, time, venue etc. I therefore assumed we were invited to the whole day as we had been invited to the ceremony.

Messaged her today to double check the times and whatnot (as we don't have an official 'invite') and found out that we are invited to the ceremony at midday, then expected to go off and amuse ourselves until the evening when we come back for the reception.

Aibu to think this is a bit off?

Maybe it's just because I'm from a culture where if you are invited to a wedding you attend the whole thing but it just seems a bit rude to me. I know some people only get invited to the reception in the evening due to cost/numbers etc and I wouldn't have minded that but it just feels odd to be invited to the ceremony and the reception but not the bit in the middle.

Obviously it is her special day so I'm not going to say anything but it just seems strange to me, DP says this is a completely normal thing for weddings in the UK and that most people do this so maybe IAbu!

OP posts:
AbbeyRoadCrossing · 10/06/2015 15:29

Sometimes it's phrased as an "evening invite but you're welcome to see us get married if you'd like". Which is better than ones that are phrased more like "the ceremony is this time, here's a local place you can eat, then join us at 8pm" which comes across more rude.
It's ok if you're local but I've got one coming up like that with a 3 hour drive, heavily pregnant, baby in tow who'll need entertaining and 6/7 hours to fill. Of course I can say 'no thanks' and might have to do that. But it is a pita!

susanstryingterm · 10/06/2015 15:32

Imagine if you invited people to a christening and said 'you can come to the Church, and then on later to the pub, but you're not invited to the restaurant meal in between'?

It's only at weddings that this rude, arrogant behaviour seems acceptable to some.

ollieplimsoles · 10/06/2015 15:33

A close female relative had her wedding two weeks ago and did this. There were people who wanted to see her get married in the church but she felt awkward because she couldn't afford or fit them in to the wedding reception.
So she just said they were welcome to come to the ceremony. She did feel very bad that they bundled in their cars after the church and drove home. But she was more.annoyed that many of them didn't end up even coming to the evening meal/ dance and she had paid per head for them!

You cant please every body.

Katnisnevergreen · 10/06/2015 15:35

But if I'm paying upwards of £60 per head, there will be a limit on numbers, but evening is a party. It's the bride and grooms prerogative as they are paying... At the end of the day it's about them, not you. Don't go if you're that annoyed, or realise that weddings are expensive

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/06/2015 15:37

I've had this done to me - worse really, because I was doing them a favour too.

I sang in a choir, the B&G were in the choir too. They asked a number of us to sing for them (for free) at the church wedding. It was a fair old drive away for me, 1.5h iirc, but I wasn't invited to the wedding breakfast after, only to the evening reception. NOW I wish I'd told them to stuff it and only gone to the evening reception (I have no issue with doing that) but I was quite flattered, I suppose, to be invited to sing. I had to find somewhere to hang out for about 4 hours and pretty much on my own as most of the other singers were invited to the whole wedding.

SewingBox · 10/06/2015 15:38

See, this is where it's all gone wrong with weddings Katnis. At what other party is it all about the hosts, rather than the guests? I don't think weddings are about the B&G, it about the guests celebrating the union and wishing them well - that's the bit that's for the B&G. The party is for the guests.

Weebirdie · 10/06/2015 15:38

I think I would rather cut my cloth according to my means than go for something I cant really afford and imply there are guests who come further down the pecking order than others.

greenbottleglass · 10/06/2015 15:38

'At the end of the day it's about them not you'

You make it about other people when you start inviting them

SanityClause · 10/06/2015 15:38

I have been invited to the evening do bit a few times, by people who I am not that close to, so wouldn't especially expect an invitation from. There has never been an assumption that we would go to the ceremony, though. (I know it should be public, and the main event, but often space is limited.)

These are usually "duty" invites, I think. So, people might invite a group from work just to the evening do.

If it's on a Saturday, close to where you live, you might do both, otherwise, I'd pick one or the other.

kslatts · 10/06/2015 15:40

YANBU, not the done thing at all.

Atenco · 10/06/2015 15:43

Gosh, I'm glad I don't have to worry about organising a wedding. All that expense and all the people you can inadvertently offend in the process. The bride and groom are trying to please everyone that they love without offending anyone, but they obviously don't have a limitless budget. However there is always going to be someone who will take offence.

Lottapianos · 10/06/2015 15:44

'See, this is where it's all gone wrong with weddings Katnis. At what other party is it all about the hosts, rather than the guests?'

Completely agree. Its seen by some as a licence to behave like some celebrity diva for the day. Yes, it is 'their day' but that doesn't excuse every type of crappy rude behaviour that happens

The80sweregreat · 10/06/2015 15:45

I wouldn't go along - it normally goes that you have all day guests or just people you invite to the evening reception - this way of doing things sounds really bizarre to me, but as I haven't been to a wedding in nearly 6 years maybe its becoming the norm? Its almost as though they are saying your not good enough to do the middle bit of the day or have the food or hear the speeches. really odd.

Badgerwife · 10/06/2015 15:48

That's happened to me twice, and it was annoying and frustrating and imo quite rude both times tbh.

Once me and DP travelled up 2 hours to a not-very-close but nice-enough acquaintance friend's wedding and had the most miserable afternoon in between the ceremony and the evening reception; it rained and everybody we knew that we would have hung around with were invited to the whole thing so it was just the two of us in a pub in the middle of bloody nowhere. There was no buffet at the evening reception and we had to leave before the disco had even started so we could get home at a reasonable time. Just awful. I felt obligated because she'd been nice enough to have wanted us there and I sort of think that for weddings, you are there to support the bride and groom more than anything, but never again will I do this again for anyone that's not local to me

The second one, I was actually there to provide translation for members of the groom's family. It was again in the middle of nowhere but thankfully there was a group of us in the same boat so we had a nice enough afternoon, although it still dragged on forever.

LaLaLaaaa · 10/06/2015 15:49

This happened to me once - and what's more all my friends were invited to the whole thing! It was also miles away. So I had to get bus to ceremony, get bus home, then get bus back again in the evening. Meanwhile my mates were all there having a great time! It was also the first wedding Id ever been invited to so I'd no idea I wasn't invited to the same thing as everyone else until people started being ticked off a list to get on the coach and I wasn't on it.

This was 12 years ago but it pissed me off so much that I actually limited numbers at my own wedding to only those we could afford to have at the reception/meal, because I didn't want to do the same thing to anyone else. I hate hate hate being invited only to an evening reception. If I'm invited to a wedding I want to see the people get bloody married! I'm not interested in going along just for the dancing.

Just had an evening invitation through last week - for a wedding that's 4 hours away and I'll have a 3 month old baby. I've declined as I'm not travelling 4 hours with a small baby for an evening do.

Original poster
ApignamedJasper · 10/06/2015 15:49

I'm not offended, I just think it's a bit weird. Either you like someone enough that you value their friendship and want them to be present on your special day or you don't. I don't really want to attend if someone is inviting me just because they feel obligated to do so.

Having said that I am just DP's plus one so I will go along with whatever he prefers to do!

I do understand that cost is a massive issue with weddings (which is why she is having the wedding on a Monday) but I'm a little put out that she didn't mention that we weren't invited to the whole day earlier when she knows that DP would have to take time off work to attend.

OP posts:
ShelaghTurner · 10/06/2015 15:49

I had this and it was from a work colleague (who I really liked). Wouldn't have minded at all except we travelled literally the length of the country and only realised the actual day of the wedding that this was what was happening. Wouldn't have gone if I'd realised but didn't mind too much as she was/is lovely and was really touched that we made the effort.

ProfYaffle · 10/06/2015 15:54

I've had this a few times when friends haven't had much money and couldn't invite many people to the reception. I didn't mind, they were good friends and we were all in the same boat at that point.

Weddings have changed over the years. When I was a kid it was traditional to have a church do (anyone could attend) sit down meal (select few) few hours gap then party at the local church hall (everyone invited). Because it was all different venues there wasn't the awkwardness you get at modern 'Hotel Venue' weddings where it's basically one all day event and evening guests feel like they've walked into the middle of something.

I just think that society/wedding etiquette is in the process of change and people have differing expectations.

Hullygully · 10/06/2015 15:54

Wow. It's so nice to see these responses, I clicked on it expecting to see the usual MN chorus of "their wedding, their call" or "entitled, much?" etc etc

So nice to see that an expectation of basic manners seems to have reappeared.

Hurrah!

DinosaursRoar · 10/06/2015 15:55

Churches aren't private weddings, so they are informing you so you can go if you want, you are only really invited to the evening do.

This was normal in previous generations - I believe my parents had a similar arrangement and it was normal in their area that anyone who wanted to went to the church, everyone went home as everyone lived within a couple of miles of each other max, the meal after the ceremony was for immediate family/wedding party, then the evening do was your big event.

In fact, Will and Kate did something similar, there were 3 events, wedding ceremony, meal for a smaller group, then big party in the evening.

This sort of do only really works if you are Royal or all guests are from a small geographical area. These days it is rude not to have everyone to all bits, or to not just formally invite them to the evening, but then let them know about the ceremony if they want to go (making it clear there's no obligation to go to the church if they only really want to go to the evening do)

Just go to the evening do, unless you're local and fancy popping in to watch the wedding.

DinosaursRoar · 10/06/2015 15:58

oh just seen it's a Monday wedding and DP has to take the day off! Can he cancel his leave and just go to the evening do. Send a nice message to the bride saying he can't get leave to go to the ceremony, but you'll be there for the evening. Much easier all round.

LineRunner · 10/06/2015 15:58

I've only ever had one of these, and as I wasn't allowed to bring a 'plus one' I went to the church bit and declined the evening. It would have been just too much unenjoyable faff.

Momagain1 · 10/06/2015 16:01

I am not sure what is happening in the afternoon that you are missing then? in the US, it is the wedding, followed by the reception, and the only break in between is if they are not the same place or they scheduled ALL the pictures in between instead of sorting out what they could in advance.

Original poster
ApignamedJasper · 10/06/2015 16:01

It isn't a church wedding (registry office), does that make a difference as to whether you can just drop in? I've not been to many weddings so I don't really know!

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 10/06/2015 16:01

'It was also the first wedding Id ever been invited to so I'd no idea I wasn't invited to the same thing as everyone else until people started being ticked off a list to get on the coach and I wasn't on it.'

I would be mortified as as bride to think that anyone ended up in that position at my wedding. Seriously mortified. How absolutely awful.

But then some people do go bonkers around weddings. A friend of mine, well her wanker husband to be more precise, went through a phase during wedding planning of suggesting that they would only invite couples who were married. The other half of non-married couples would not be invited, which would have had me leaving my partner of 4 years at home and attending by myself and hardly knowing anyone else. Thankfully that rush of blood to the head passed and decent manners were restored!

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