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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is this the done thing with weddings?

269 replies

ApignamedJasper · 10/06/2015 15:10

DP and I have been invited to a wedding next Monday, friend of DP's.

I was invited to the hen do and she (friend) gave me all the details of the ceremony, time, venue etc. I therefore assumed we were invited to the whole day as we had been invited to the ceremony.

Messaged her today to double check the times and whatnot (as we don't have an official 'invite') and found out that we are invited to the ceremony at midday, then expected to go off and amuse ourselves until the evening when we come back for the reception.

Aibu to think this is a bit off?

Maybe it's just because I'm from a culture where if you are invited to a wedding you attend the whole thing but it just seems a bit rude to me. I know some people only get invited to the reception in the evening due to cost/numbers etc and I wouldn't have minded that but it just feels odd to be invited to the ceremony and the reception but not the bit in the middle.

Obviously it is her special day so I'm not going to say anything but it just seems strange to me, DP says this is a completely normal thing for weddings in the UK and that most people do this so maybe IAbu!

OP posts:

oddfodd · 10/06/2015 18:18

I think you've just answered your own question Mother about why it's a complete pain in the arse for guests. Trailing round finding something to eat, killing time until you're allowed back.

Invite people to the evening do only if you must but don't have an A/B guest list.

oddfodd · 10/06/2015 18:19

And it's awful to invite people to your hen night and then not the wedding.

Mamus · 10/06/2015 18:27

I'd find it a bit rude and wouldn't go to the ceremony- I'd RSVP to say thank you and that I was looking forward to celebrating with them at the evening reception.

BabyMurloc · 10/06/2015 18:34

This is usually done in my experience with a big church wedding. Often with weddings in our local church the whole congregation is invited to the ceremony then the bride & groom have diff lists for daytime and evening guests. They do however usually do a tea & cake type thing after the ceremony so anyone can be involved in that then friends/family just go off to either meal or evening do later.

Personally we had a small ceremony (registry office, no room for hordes of people) then we just hired a massive room and everyone was invited to help us celebrate. No sit down meal, just a buffet, no long speeches, no fuss. I LOVED it.

Biggles398 · 10/06/2015 18:37

I think it's fine if you're local. We were invited to the church service for some friends, and then back again in the evening. Thought nothing of it - they wanted people in the church to see them actually get married and then lots of people for the party in the evening. Cost wouldn't allow everyone to be at the meal (and we weren't at all close friends either, so would only really have expected an evening invite!). You have the choice Not to go to the ceremony and just the evening!

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 10/06/2015 18:39

I've been to quite a few hen nights when not going to the wedding, mainly those of colleagues, no problem with that at all.

popalot · 10/06/2015 18:41

Not unusual. I've been to a couple of weddings like this. I think it's a cost thing because the middle bit is the meal. We booked a table at a local pub with other guests and turned up to the evening do a little worse for wear but happy just the same.

LaLyra · 10/06/2015 18:43

I think it's ok to invite people to the evening reception and say p.s. we're getting married in the church at 2pm or whatever. Weddings are expensive and the pressure put on some people by family to invite Great Aunt Mabel and the 12 cousins. I find it rude as an expectation though, especially if it's not local.

hibbledibble · 10/06/2015 18:48

I know a friend who did this. I did try to tactfully suggest that it may not be a good idea, but it was her choice. At the wedding I didn't notice anyone just turn up for the ceremony, go home, and rejoin in the evening so its possible that those who received these invites ignored them, or just came to the evening do.

I would just go to the evening do ( or not go at all).

SunsetSongster · 10/06/2015 19:00

I never understand why people saying evening guests are the B list so you shouldn't have them. Surely if you have more people to invite than you have space for then the uninvited are the B list anyway. Surely it's normal to have B list friends - maybe work colleagues or old friends you don't see much as you're all busy but still mean something to you.

I know there is the have a cheaper wedding and invite everyone school of thought but then the day can get overwhelming and logistically challenging in a way that doesn't happen at night.

DefinitelyMaybeBaby · 10/06/2015 19:08

I think it's normal to have full day guests and then evening guests who you don't buy a meal for. I have known people to invite guests only to the evening part and then say "it's an open ceremony at 1.30 at such and such venue if you want to come and watch". Maybe adding a note into the evening invite. It sounds like your bride handled the invite situation badly and didn't make it clear what she was inviting you to. I would only go to the ceremony if it was closeby and I had nothing else to do, I wouldn't feel obliged to go.

oddfodd · 10/06/2015 19:11

BabyMurloc - your wedding sounds ace.

Bilberry · 10/06/2015 19:17

We did this quite a good number of years ago. it meant my parents (it was in my home town) could invite quite a few of their friends along to the evening that neither I nor the groom really knew (my df paid). All the evening guests were local. I think most of them came to the ceremony then just went home at it was all in walking distance. It also meant the afternoon reception wasn't too unbalanced for bride/groom guests. These were people who would have come along to the ceremony (which is a public event) anyway so it was nice to be able to include them.

I think it is unreasonable to invite guests who have to travel to just ceremony and evening though.

whois · 10/06/2015 19:23

Anyone self centred enough to want you to come to their cermony then fuck off while a few select guests eat then come back and pay for you own drinks at the evening party is NOT the kind of person you want as a friend. Totally twatish thing to do.

Bambambini · 10/06/2015 19:39

Many registry offices have very limit numbers for guests. It's not like a public church with usually lots of room.

badg3r · 10/06/2015 19:45

I've had this before, the bride and groom couldn't afford to invite everyone to the reception and had chosen a venue that couldn't accommodate everyone anyway. They made a reservation for us to have a bite with other people who were in the same boat, there was no awkwardness and we all had a great time and meet some lovely new people. At the end of the day, weddings are so expensive these days and I would have rather they had a reception they wanted than feeling like they had to pick a venue they weren't so happy with just so they could accommodate 200 people and their bacon-wrapped chicken or whatever it's called

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 10/06/2015 19:48

But we have been invited to the registry office bambambini!

OP posts:

derenstar · 10/06/2015 19:49

We inadvertently ended up with this through no fault of our own. We had to limit numbers due to insane costs but my parents had other ideas and wanted every Tom, Dick and Harry they had ever clapped eyes on to be invited, it seems. As we point blank refused to go bankrupt to accommodate their insanity (and my dad sprouted ever shorter arms to go with his deeper pockets), I walked down the aisle to packed church, half of whom I had never seen before or indeed ever since. Turns out, my parents had invited them anyway to the church and then to the evening party on our behalf! They all must have found somewhere to go to amuse themselves during the wedding breakfast because they descended on mass to the evening party and had a grand old time by the looks of it. I would never have allowed it if I'd caught wind of it but those 'guests' clearly weren't bothered. Barking, the lot of them!

OP, it's an invite not a summons, if it doesn't work for you, decline and send your best wishes.

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2015 20:03

I don't think this is rude. Weddings always seem to offend someone whatever you do so sometimes I don't think the bride and groom can win.

We had people just come to the church to support us in our marriage (the most important bit to us), some came to the wedding breakfast and then some came to the evening do. There wasn't physically enough space to ask everyone to everything. We had tea and cakes after the service, and anyone who had travelled a long way came to everything. My local friends who came to the ceremony and the evening and no one seemed to mind.

We've been to lots of weddings who did the same as us and had lovely afternoons out in random towns with other ceremony and evening do only guests. I can see why having to book a day off work to go to the ceremony only would be annoying. Why don't you just go to the evening bit if you don't want to go to the ceremony? Your friend probably thought they were being nice by inviting you to more of the wedding. At least they didn't include a poem!

halfwayupthehill · 10/06/2015 20:08

This happened to me. Went down to Somerset from London for late morning ceremony. TolD to amuse ourselves while a listers had sit down lunch and go to the hotel late afternoon for evening do. When I got there for the second half, bride said to em, where were you? We had a spare place for lunch, you should have come? I said, how could I turn up for the lunch just in case there was a no show ?

seaoflove · 10/06/2015 20:09

This happened to us. DH's friend got married, and the majority of guests were invited to the ceremony and evening reception but not the wedding breakfast.

So we went to the pub after the church and had a nice lunch, only to find out later that they had put on TONS of food for the evening, most of which went uneaten because everyone had either attended the wedding breakfast or had been forced to eat out earlier in the day. Such a waste!

ChickenLaVidaLoca · 10/06/2015 20:11

Yanbu, it does seem to have become a thing but I don't like it. Especially not where it's a church ceremony which anyone can go to anyway. You don't need the bride and groom's permission to attend a church!

CaptainSwan · 10/06/2015 20:14

I had similar once- I was invited to the hen party which I was quite surprised about having not had much contact with the bride and groom since I'd been to uni and lived with her- but flattered none the less, so I coughed up the £90. Only after that did invites for the evening reception only come. I wasn't so annoyed to only be invited to that, it was more the point of paying £90 for the hen and driving them several hours round trip but clearly not important enough for the whole day.

Clearly I was room meat for the hen party, there was only 6 of us too so they needed an extra for an even number. And being there only for the 'party' definitly felt like I was interrupting the middle of something.

I would definitly think twice about having 'evening only' guests, I think in some cases it's more insulting than not being invited at all.

meyesmyeyes · 10/06/2015 20:17

It's bad manners.

Wedding guests have to get all dressed up to attend the ceremony.. then what are they supposed to do?
Hang around the house in their wedding gear all day, before attending the evening do?

meyesmyeyes · 10/06/2015 20:17

I agree, it's as if there's an A list and a B list

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