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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is this the done thing with weddings?

269 replies

ApignamedJasper · 10/06/2015 15:10

DP and I have been invited to a wedding next Monday, friend of DP's.

I was invited to the hen do and she (friend) gave me all the details of the ceremony, time, venue etc. I therefore assumed we were invited to the whole day as we had been invited to the ceremony.

Messaged her today to double check the times and whatnot (as we don't have an official 'invite') and found out that we are invited to the ceremony at midday, then expected to go off and amuse ourselves until the evening when we come back for the reception.

Aibu to think this is a bit off?

Maybe it's just because I'm from a culture where if you are invited to a wedding you attend the whole thing but it just seems a bit rude to me. I know some people only get invited to the reception in the evening due to cost/numbers etc and I wouldn't have minded that but it just feels odd to be invited to the ceremony and the reception but not the bit in the middle.

Obviously it is her special day so I'm not going to say anything but it just seems strange to me, DP says this is a completely normal thing for weddings in the UK and that most people do this so maybe IAbu!

OP posts:

Jackie0 · 10/06/2015 16:02

So rude!
Sometimes I think hardly anyone knows how to behave anymore.
I know that makes me a grumpy old woman
But I don't care , RUDE !!!!!!!!!!

Tinuviel · 10/06/2015 16:04

We did this 20 years ago - didn't realise it was such a faux pas. That said, people who were travelling were invited to the whole thing but as a Christian, and with Christian friends, it was important to me that people had the details of the church service so that they could attend if they wanted because for us, that was the important bit. We felt that we were including them in as much of the wedding as we could as we couldn't afford a sit down meal for so many.

I can see that it's a bit weird if it's all at one venue.

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 10/06/2015 16:06

Mom, the wedding ceremony is at midday, which we are invited to. Then they are going for the meal, which we are not invited to, which will include the photos, speeches, toasts, cake cutting etc. Then a different venue for the wedding reception/evening party, which we are invited to bit confusing

OP posts:

Momagain1 · 10/06/2015 16:07

Oh, I see. A meal. Usually, in the US a recption is either the finger foods type, OR a sit down meal. Not commonly 2 events, though if you were doing it that way, you would have the reception, followed by a meal for friends, close family, out of towners.

Sounds like you should just go to the evening do.

dontcallmelen · 10/06/2015 16:09

Just wondering if there is actually anything happening between the ceremony & the evening 'do' as, the wedding is a Monday which could mean that b&g strapped for cash, & maybe they are not wining & dining the guest inbetween?
Do you know any of the other guest check with them possibly.

Lottapianos · 10/06/2015 16:12

'Sometimes I think hardly anyone knows how to behave anymore.'

Jackie0, I feel your pain

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/06/2015 16:12

Yes it does make a difference - register offices, like many non-church wedding venues, have restrictions on numbers for fire regs. This limited the number of people I could have to my actual wedding (50) - I invited more to the meal and reception, but just wasn' able to get any more into the register office. And no, couldn't have done it in church.

chiruri · 10/06/2015 16:13

A similar thing happened to me but we didn't find out until the end of the ceremony that we weren't invited to the meal! I was FURIOUS as we had travelled a significant distance to attend and had made no plans to eat. The icing on the cake, too, was that it appeared that the ONLY guests from the ceremony not invited to the meal were myself, DH, and a mutual friend of DH and the groom. Out of respect for DH and his friend we did attend the evening reception, but I was absolutely fuming.
IMO when you receive an invited stating that you're invited to the wedding, starting at the ceremony time (eg 2pm or similar) then you expect to be hosted for the entire day. That's how it worked for my wedding, and all others I have been invited to (bar the above). Prior to the above incident it'd have never even crossed my mind to question a 'day' invite including the meal.

dontcallmelen · 10/06/2015 16:13

OPsorry ignore my pp did not see your lastest post

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 10/06/2015 16:16

They definately are having a meal, she told me all about it at the hen do.

OP posts:

susanstryingterm · 10/06/2015 16:19

"Gosh, I'm glad I don't have to worry about organising a wedding. All that expense and all the people you can inadvertently offend in the process. The bride and groom are trying to please everyone that they love without offending anyone, but they obviously don't have a limitless budget. However there is always going to be someone who will take offence".

In a lot of cases the bride and groom are trying to have a big bash that's beyond their means, instead of having a wedding of a size and level of extravagance that they can afford. Then, instead of cutting down on the cost of the hen night or honeymoon or designer bridal dress or fireworks etc etc, they start picking and choosing which guests they can afford to feed and which will just have to go and find a restaurant and come back in time for the dancing. It's rude.

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 10/06/2015 16:20

Chiruri, that was my thinking also. If we had just been invited to the evening do I would have thought that totally fine it's just the ceremony invite + evening do - middle section that I thought odd. I'm glad I checked as I would have had no idea until the day either!

OP posts:

chiruri · 10/06/2015 16:21

Also, I don't know how other people feel, but I only invited people to the hen 'do if I was inviting them to the whole day's celebrations. The hen 'do, to me, is for close female friends and family only. I think it's incredibly rude to invited you to the hen, go on to you about the meal and the rest of the wedding plans, and then not actually invite you to it. I can see why you assumed you'd be invited to the whole day, OP. I certainly would have.
I understand the need to limit numbers (we had very limited numbers at our wedding due to the venue size), but I think that this is rude.

LineRunner · 10/06/2015 16:21

I think it's particularly poor form to give these 'book end' invitations to people on their own who are expected to travel for it.

Momagain1 · 10/06/2015 16:21

See, this is where it's all gone wrong with weddings Katnis. At what other party is it all about the hosts, rather than the guests

I think the change came when it gradually became a thing the bride's parents organised to honor the couple, and instead became a thing the bride and groom organised to honor themselves. Few other celebrations are organised by the honoree.

There are good things about the couple doing it for themselves, but it does change the attitude from one of B& G simply showing up to accept kindness and good wishes, after the parents made the practical decisions relevent to any party; to one of the b&G trying to play two roles, host and special guest.

Weddings went from rather basic and predictable parties for small numbers to huge showy affairs including numbers of people with ever smaller actual connections. Everyone has to have the sort of wedding and ceremonial meals and parties that only wealthier people had before, and even the posh didnt even always have such big events.

Headdesk · 10/06/2015 16:23

I was a bit upset to find that my oldest friend was getting married, who came to my own wedding and reception, and I am only invited to the reception not the actual wedding.

Headdesk · 10/06/2015 16:23

And she is having a big wedding, not a small intimate family only type wedding.

wonkylegs · 10/06/2015 16:23

We went to one like this and the guy invited everyone that had lived together in our house at uni. Except only I was allowed to bring my partner (& child) to the whole thing, one guy was invited to the whole thing but his partner and the other former housemate were only invited to the ceremony and evening do.
It was weird and made worse by the fact that it being the middle of sodding nowhere, those left out could only get a taxi back to the hotel and drink in the bar.
The only distinction we made at our wedding was that my whole work came to the evening do but not the ceremony and food, that's because there were 20 of them and they were local.

Number3cometome · 10/06/2015 16:27

I'd ditch all the boring bits and just go to the party at the end

Badgerwife · 10/06/2015 16:27

YES chiruri! I was just reading about the OP being at the hen do. It's an event for you and your close female friends so I would absolutely assume to be going to the whole wedding day if I had been part of the hen do.

DinosaursRoar · 10/06/2015 16:28

OP - many other people will have told her she can't just invite you to the evening do if it's a church wedding, as you have to be informed of the ceremony - which is usually worded as an invite. If it's a church ceremony, noone is really invited to it, as it's not in the couple's power to decide who can and can't go, it's more informing, and it's considered rude by some not to inform evening do invitees about the ceremony. Where she's gone wrong is not to make it clear it's an evening invitation with a "if you would like ot attend the ceremony, it's at X place at Y time."

However, if it's a civil ceremony, not a church one, then she's just rude.

Just go to the evening do. Don't waste leave. (or use the leave for the day after so you can a late night without worrying about the next day)

susanstryingterm · 10/06/2015 16:29

Weddings just keep getting crazier and crazier.

Remote locations to which the bride and groom have no connection and mean maximum inconvenience travel wise for everyone.

Foreign destinations and sulking if people decline to blow their entire holiday budget and annual leave allowance on attending the wedding of a cousin they hardly ever see.

Requests for cash to fund extravagant honeymoons, in place of the small 'setting up home for the first time' presents that used to be the norm.

Weddings that go on for three days and three nights and no, it's not enough to attend on the day itself. If you really love the B&G you will be there til the bitter end.

And now, weddings where some of the guests are treated like Cinderella, trekking off to the local burger bar after the ceremony while the chosen ones get a four course meal in a hotel.

Thank God I'm at an age where most people I know are married, and their children are not yet thinking of weddings!

hesterton · 10/06/2015 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katedotness1963 · 10/06/2015 16:31

I haven't lived in the UK much over the last 30 years but it used to be ceremony and dinner was pretty much for relatives and close friends, then the evening "do" was for other friends and workmates. Older family members usually left early in the evening.

Lottapianos · 10/06/2015 16:32

'I prefer a ceremony, a meal (budget of which means everyone you are inviting comes) followed by everyone waving off the happy couple to enjoy room service somewhere before going home to put their feet up.'

Oh my gosh, same here! If DP and I had a wedding, I would really want it to be ceremony, drinks, dinner, and finish by 11pm or so. No dancing!

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