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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is this the done thing with weddings?

269 replies

ApignamedJasper · 10/06/2015 15:10

DP and I have been invited to a wedding next Monday, friend of DP's.

I was invited to the hen do and she (friend) gave me all the details of the ceremony, time, venue etc. I therefore assumed we were invited to the whole day as we had been invited to the ceremony.

Messaged her today to double check the times and whatnot (as we don't have an official 'invite') and found out that we are invited to the ceremony at midday, then expected to go off and amuse ourselves until the evening when we come back for the reception.

Aibu to think this is a bit off?

Maybe it's just because I'm from a culture where if you are invited to a wedding you attend the whole thing but it just seems a bit rude to me. I know some people only get invited to the reception in the evening due to cost/numbers etc and I wouldn't have minded that but it just feels odd to be invited to the ceremony and the reception but not the bit in the middle.

Obviously it is her special day so I'm not going to say anything but it just seems strange to me, DP says this is a completely normal thing for weddings in the UK and that most people do this so maybe IAbu!

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 10/06/2015 16:32

We invited some people to the evening only. Purely for financial reasons. It included people like our colleagues, some parents and families of friends we've known a long time, etc. On the invite we advised when and where the ceremony was, should they want to attend, but it wasn't the main focus of the invite, more a P.S.

We're Christian so that was the important bit really. Both venues were very local so if people did want to go to the ceremony during the day, they could without it being a pain.

TheForger · 10/06/2015 16:33

We were invited to DPs colleagues wedding which was a 2 - 3 journey and required a hotel. We were invited to the wedding so we assumed it meant to the whole thing. We only twigged at the ceremony as other work colleagues were talking about heading home etc but they were local. We checked the invite and it wasn't clear so we went to the reception. We couldn't find ourselves on the seating plan so left the present and had to leg it discretely. We had a go at hanging around but basically got fed up with it and the idea of paying out for several meals and a hotel. Sent our apologies as I came down with a bug, canceled the hotel and went home. The invite wasn't clear at all, if it had been just the evening do we would have declined due to distance.

susanstryingterm · 10/06/2015 16:34

When my friends were getting married, the average sized wedding consisted of about 80 guests, with a meal, dancing til about 11pm, then the bride & groom arrived down in their 'going away' outfits and everyone stood on the hotel steps waving them off, and went home.

The B&G often just drove around the corner and snuck back to the hotel, where they were booked in, when the guests were safely gone.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 10/06/2015 16:39

I think it's fine, they've invited you to the party, they would like it if you also came to the ceremony, after all that's the important bit. Also you get the afternoon to yourselves instead of sitting through a mass catered meal and speeches, I can't see what's not to like really.

DinosaursRoar · 10/06/2015 16:40

Hesterton - the evening bit is the party! Formal bits earlier, the evening is the dancing, drinking and eating party food, what's not to love about a knees up?

UmmErrWhateves · 10/06/2015 16:44

I think it's ok as long as it was clear and as long as the Bride and groom were happy if you were to decline the ceremony. Watching the ceremony is the most important bit for some people.

I wouldn't do it myself though.

Mrsfrumble · 10/06/2015 16:45

DH and I had a similar experience TheForger. We lived in London, wedding was in Blackpool, invitation was vague. We bought train tickets, booked a hotel and trekked up there. It was only at the ceremony that we realised we weren't invited to the meal and speeches bit. When we arrived at the evening do there was a swing band and the wedding party (who had had lessons) were all swing dancing away while all the other guests stood around drinking and looking a bit bored.

We had invited lots of extra guests to our evening party, mostly because we got married on a week day and we knew lots of our local friends couldn't take the day off work. The wedding and reception were in central London and we wouldn't have expected anyone to travel from outside London for less than the whole shebang.

rebellove · 10/06/2015 16:47

Yabu. You didn't have an official invite which in the UK means you weren't invited! Many people like to go to see the marriage service which is probably why she gave you the details verbally.

firesidechat · 10/06/2015 16:48

I've been to umpteen weddings like this and it's fairly normal. It just means that you are an evening guest and they thought it would be nice to extend the invite to the ceremony too. In fairness many guests get a bit uppity about not being invited to the ceremony bit and it's open to anyone in any case.

I'm not saying I like it and we now don't go to any weddings like this if it involves a travelling distance of more than say an hour and a half. Personally I would like to see the end of separate evening events. but I sort of get why people do it and it's not going away any time soon.

roomwithabroom · 10/06/2015 16:49

I went to a brilliant one of these in my early 20s. Female friends of the bride not invited but not their boyfriends.

So four blokes in the early 20s go to a church for the wedding early afternoon, say bye bye to their girlfriends until 7 in the evening and head into a northern town with VERY cheap beer. What could possibly go wrong...

Well the golf cart in the lake for a start!

firesidechat · 10/06/2015 16:50

Oh and never, ever assume anything where weddings are concerned. Only an official piece of paper (or posh card) counts.

Notso · 10/06/2015 16:59

We have been to a couple of church ceremony then evening weddings. However all of them invited us to evening only first, then we were invited to church after accepting the invitation. It didn't find it especially rude and IMO the ceremony and evening are the best bits.

I am not the type to be offended by evening only invitations though.

Chiruri DH has been on stag weekends where he doesn't even know the stag so the chance of even an evening invitation were zero. I find it odd but many don't give two hoots.

Jackie0 · 10/06/2015 17:03

Ah yes Susan , you never hear of going away outfits anymore.

LineRunner · 10/06/2015 17:05

I always imagine a going away outfit as having a pill box hat for some reason.

Jackie0 · 10/06/2015 17:09

Me too Line, and a little coral pink suit.

chiruri · 10/06/2015 17:13

Notso
If the invite had been phrased like yours that wouldn't bother me in the slightest. It's the vagueness and then assumption that you would travel, then 'amuse yourself' for a few hours that riles me.
I'm certainly not offended by eve in invites! We had quite a few evening-only guests, and I've been evening only to many more. As long as it's clear, so plans can be made accordingly, then no foul.
Going to as stag and not to the wedding strikes me as REALLY odd! But thems queer as folk, I guess.

soverylucky · 10/06/2015 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spog · 10/06/2015 17:26

I wouldn't invest any of my time or money in the hen night or wedding.
if i'm not good enough for the main act - them i'm bailing.

pookamoo · 10/06/2015 17:35

We had this at our wedding, 10 years ago. Here's the reason:

Many of our guests were coming from far away and although we wanted to celebrate with them, there just wasn't space or budget to invite everyone to the wedding breakfast.

We felt bad "just" inviting some people to the evening, so we said all were welcome at the church. This meant that if people were coming from far off, they could be at the service too. There was no obligation, but obviously we were pleased to see them.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 10/06/2015 17:48

It seems to me that brides and grooms can't win on MN.

If you have a small wedding but expensive wedding breakfast with an evening do afterwards you've created a and b lists of guests, some of whom will be offended, never mind the fact that in real life people do have friends and relatives of varying degrees of closeness to them.

If you invite everyone to the wedding breakfast for the same budget and spend less per head you're food and wine is crap and you haven't provided enough alcohol.

If having a pay bar means you can share your evening with more people then you go down in legend as being a pair of tightwads.

If you throw caution to the wind and wine and dine everyone lavishly then you are being crass and trying to show off how many friends you've got when in fact you hardly know some of them and the resultant debt will be your own stupid fault.

I'd say do they should do what they want, some people will pick fault with whatever the plans are.

oddfodd · 10/06/2015 17:52

God that's incredibly rude. Day guests and evening guests (if you must) but not two tier ceremony invites. Yuck

soverylucky · 10/06/2015 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

m0therofdragons · 10/06/2015 17:55

Oh dear, we did this. We couldn't afford everyone for the reception but church was big. We only invited local friends to service and evening do. I've been to evening dos and always been disappointed I've missed the service. Oh well clearly we offended people - people are very easily offended. How is it entitled to invite someone to the service and evening party?
Thinking about it lots of our friends have done this and one friend had people at the church service then they went with the parents and bridesmaids,best man and siblings to a restaurant for late lunch and evening reception started at 6pm in a manor house. It was lovely although finding somewhere for late lunch was tricky as service finished at 2pm and it was in the middle of nowhere. The few local ish pubs were closed so all the guests crammed into a tiny cafe with a rather over whelmed owner. Anyway,despite it being odd we didn't complain. Delighted they wanted to include us in their day.

Fluffcake · 10/06/2015 18:08

Chiruri, totally agree with you about people on stag/hen do who are not then invited to the wedding. Chap I worked with did this. I just assumed he had lots of elderly relatives he had to invite to wedding but no mates for the stag do!

HamishBamish · 10/06/2015 18:14

YANBU. All the weddings I've been to in Scotland seem to start later (wedding ceremony at 2pm) and then straight on to the reception. Everyone is invited to the whole thing. I didn't come across the idea of an evening reception as a separate entity until I attended a wedding in England.

To be honest, I would rather have a smaller wedding with everyone invited to the whole thing than a split between all day and evening guests. It spoils the flow of the day imo.