Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want the same relationship with mil as I have with my own dm?

104 replies

IUseAnyName · 08/06/2015 12:32

I have a great relationship with my mum. As I've gotten older we have become more friends than mother/daughter. We don't have loads in common and we live quite far away (3hrs) from eachother. I think the reason why we have a good relationship is because we're not intrusive towards eachother's lives. We chat maybe once a month, text a few times a month and I regularly send photo updates of the kids.
My mil on the otherhand feels the need to call me (yes me! Not oh, her ds) atleast once every couple days for a chat. She also lives 3hrs away. The convo is very limited as not much changes in a couple days and the usual questions are about the weather, school & kids. She sends many texts (no 2 days go by without one), about things we should do, such as ideas she's had about our garden/bedroom etc. I'm growing to resent her.
She's nice and we get on but I don't need to talk to her all the time.... I do also send her regular photo updates of kids.
Once a month would be nice :)
My dh has risen this with her as I feel cheeky if I say anything. But we don't know how to say it politely, which means oh makes a joke out of it, meaning it falls on deaf ears!
Aibu?.... Should I just suck it ip?

OP posts:
Hobby2014 · 08/06/2015 12:40

I think I'd not hear my phone go and therefore not reply to all messages or answer all phone calls. Or only reply with short but friendly texts or on the phone say you're really busy this week / nows not a good time. Or get even better get DH to answer the phone and say the above.
But I'm a bit of a coward.

PenguinBollards · 08/06/2015 12:42

Who'd be a MIL? Damned if they do, damned if they don't.

Once a month doesn't seem like very much to me.

Are you a SAHM? If so that may be why she's contacting you rather than her son, on account of you being more available and more involved with the GCs. I've been a WAHM for years, and my MIL defaulted to contacting me as I obviously knew more about what the GCs were up to and so on.

Did it get on my nerves sometimes? Course it did Wink. But in the great scheme of things this was a lady who wanted to be involved in her GCs lives, and who had only good intentions towards me and them, so it wasn't worth the energy of getting chewed up about it.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 08/06/2015 12:42

Of course you can't have the same relationship with anyone else as you do with your mother, thats just silly.
If you don't want to talk to your MIL as much as she wants to talk to you, then don't. It sounds like she just wants to be involved in your lives, but do whatever you are comfortable with.

WorraLiberty · 08/06/2015 12:43

Threads like this make me feel a bit sad to be honest.

But I suppose you can't help how you feel.

backtowork2015 · 08/06/2015 12:45

shes not exactly beating your door down is she? it doesn't sound that intrusive to me. Maybe pass the phone to your dh so he takes every other call?

sparkysparkysparky · 08/06/2015 12:48

I think my mil would love to have the same relationship with me as I do with my mum. But it is a different relationship. You have to work in a different way at being an in law and count your blessings if it is generally Ok. Mil and I get on and also drive each other nuts.

Tequilashotfor1 · 08/06/2015 12:49

Just don't pick the phone up.

Original poster
IUseAnyName · 08/06/2015 12:49

I guess it's intrusive compared to what I'm used to.
Since I left home at 16 I've never had so much contact with my dm. But we get on really well and have a great relationship.
I have a great relationship with my sister too but we don't feel the need to be in contact all the time.
I speak to my mil more than I speak to some of my best friends.
It just doesn't seem healthy for our relationship for us to be on the phone everyother day (whilst she never calls dh)

OP posts:
Original poster
IUseAnyName · 08/06/2015 12:51

I resent her calling, to the point that yes I ignore, then feel guilty just incase it's something important.
What if one day it is something important but because she calls so much I won't take the ringing seriously and just ignore?

OP posts:
WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 08/06/2015 12:52

Does your DH call his mother at all?

PenguinBollards · 08/06/2015 12:54

Next time you speak to her, try something along the lines of explaining what you've got planned for the next 4-5 days, then end with 'so if you call again next week we'll have loads to tell you.'

She's forging a link to her GCs (who I presume she doesn't see very often), not deliberately trying to piss you off. Different families have different levels of what cunts as reasonable contact ~ and to be total honest if my DM or MIL only wanted to hear about the GCs once a month I'd be extremely disappointed.

googoodolly · 08/06/2015 12:55

I wouldn't want to only speak to my mum once a month Sad I speak to mine a few times a week and we send the odd texts most days as well. Once a month isn't very often at all. I don't think your MIL is doing anything wrong - she wants to speak to her family and keep in touch with her grandkids - I would say once every couple of days is more "normal" than once a month.

PenguinBollards · 08/06/2015 12:57

Oh my, what a horrendous typo! COUNTS!!! I meant COUNTS!! Not c*nts!!!! Blush Blush Blush Blush Blush Blush Blush Blush Blush Blush

firesidechat · 08/06/2015 12:57

Hmmm. My relationship with my own daughters is more like the one your mil has with you and I would describe that as close, rather than intrusive. Sometimes we go days without contact and sometimes it is many texts or phone calls in one day.. It depends if we have anything to talk about or if there are things going on in any of lives which we want to share.

I love my mother and we get on fine, but can go over a week easily without contact until one of us calls the other.

For various reasons I have never had a phone or text conversation with my mil in over 30 years.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that no one relationship is right or better than the other. It's a shame you see your mil as being a bit ott because it doesn't sound that bad, but entirely up to you I guess. She sounds quite lovely, but there may be more to the story.

How did she react when your husband raised it with her? A bit hurt I would think.

however · 08/06/2015 12:59

I get what you mean op. Social conditioning dictates that we be the nurturer, the communicator the. Present buyer, the....whatever. Our husbands are expected to chat amiably to their FILs should they happen to be in the same room. Or perhaps a round of golf once per year.

however · 08/06/2015 13:00

Predictive text does not lie, penguin! Lol

Original poster
IUseAnyName · 08/06/2015 13:01

No winter.... He doesn't feel the need as she calls me all the time.

I guess it's different for each family then. My family have always been 'no news is good news' and everyone gets on with their lives. I went away for 6 months as a teen and didn't speak to my mum once in that whole time. When I got back we had loads to chat about and it was great catching up.
I'm very happy doing things and getting on with stuff on my own, I can go weeks without meeting up with people, but that's fine.
I guess I'm just struggling with having so much contact with one person.... My oh works away 3 weeks home, 3 weeks away. In his 3 weeks away we only talk twice, 3 times at most..... He would drive me crazy if he called every other day! But I do send photo updates of kids.
Sounds like I should just suck it up!

OP posts:
sparkysparkysparky · 08/06/2015 13:04

Does she have any daughters? At the risk of stereo typing, she might be so excited to "have a daughter " that she is crowding you and not realise it.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 08/06/2015 13:06

Then maybe he should. Her own son won't call her, she's reaching out to you for contact, you don't want to talk to her, you have to feel sorry for the woman.
Compromise. Tell him to call his poor old ma, and you talk to her half as much as she wants and twice as much as you want. Sometimes you need to put yourself out a little just to be nice. And tbh, you do sound a particularly uncommunicative lot, so maybe it would be good for you too!

PenguinBollards · 08/06/2015 13:06

Ah, so if your DH is away for weeks at a time, I guess that's why she calls you, as he's not going to have much to tell her 50% of the time.

There'll be a way to compromise, with her calling a bit less ~ it's just a case of finding a balance between her not feeling cut off, and you not feeling bombarded.

firesidechat · 08/06/2015 13:07

I'm very independent too, but 6 months without talking to your mum at all? I would say that was very unusual if you have a good relationship with them.

I'm a rubbish daughter, don't ring my parents nearly as much as I should, but a month without contact would leave me with very justified feelings of guilt.

PenguinBollards · 08/06/2015 13:08

Predictive text does not lie, penguin! Lol

It was my keyboard, really, honestly, truly Blush

Original poster
IUseAnyName · 08/06/2015 13:09

But what do you talk about if you're in contact so much?.... My mil isn't giving me much room to retain info, and then have a good chat. She calls and asks what we've been up to and I say 'not much' because we haven't! kids went to school, I went to work. We may have played in the garden one eve. But thats about it.... Leave it a couple of weeks to a month between calls and we'll have loads to chat about!

OP posts:
turningvioletviolet · 08/06/2015 13:10

you say you have a great relationship with your DM but you only actually speak to her 12 times a year. 12!! That's hardly any realistically is it?

Poor MIL. Talk to the woman. Maybe she's lonely. Maybe she just wants to be part of her family's life. If i end up speaking to my dcs only 12 times a year I'd feel pretty damn sad tbh.

googoodolly · 08/06/2015 13:11

My mum and I find plenty to talk about - she's retired but she talks about her volunteering, cakes she's baked, we discuss recipes, she asks about me and DP and the cats, we discuss holidays and our upcoming wedding...plenty. We normally talk for about an hour spread over the week, but it varies.

I don't talk to my dad nearly as much (maybe 10 minutes a month) and as a result, wouldn't say I was close to him AT all.