To want the same relationship with mil as I have with my own dm?

[IUseAnyName]

I have a great relationship with my mum. As I've gotten older we have become more friends than mother/daughter. We don't have loads in common and we live quite far away (3hrs) from eachother. I think the reason why we have a good relationship is because we're not intrusive towards eachother's lives. We chat maybe once a month, text a few times a month and I regularly send photo updates of the kids.
My mil on the otherhand feels the need to call me (yes me! Not oh, her ds) atleast once every couple days for a chat. She also lives 3hrs away. The convo is very limited as not much changes in a couple days and the usual questions are about the weather, school & kids. She sends many texts (no 2 days go by without one), about things we should do, such as ideas she's had about our garden/bedroom etc. I'm growing to resent her.
She's nice and we get on but I don't need to talk to her all the time.... I do also send her regular photo updates of kids.
Once a month would be nice :)
My dh has risen this with her as I feel cheeky if I say anything. But we don't know how to say it politely, which means oh makes a joke out of it, meaning it falls on deaf ears!
Aibu?.... Should I just suck it ip?

Reading you last post about how much contact you would have with your own husband, then I would say that you were at one end of the range of expectations for family interaction. It doesn't make either your mil or you wrong, just different.

How old are the GCs? If they're at school then presumably they're old enough to talk to her on the phone: she gets her updates/contact, you don't have to speak to her ~ win/win.

I call my poorly Mum twice a day and we talk about crap because it makes her feel better and I don't mind. I see and speak to my mil all the time but have learned to make my dh do most of the heavy lifting on this

What do you talk about if you see someone every day? You don't have to store stuff up to have something to say.

I hear you OP! That's is very frequent for calls, once a week/every two weeks is a good amount. Maybe she is lonely like people say but she shouldn't rely on you solely! It would drive me nuts and I love my MIL.

Yes sparky, 1. Who lives 10 mins walk from her. She also had ger first ds about 4 months ago, so mil should be busy!
I think she feels a bit guilty as she lives closer to her other gc, but tbh, it doesn't bother me.
Yes my dh should call his dm more but he doesn't get on with his ddad, and he doesn't know what to talk to her about.... He finds her chats too girly as she will talk about mundane things such as her hairdressers children, so he stopped answering his calls and told her that he doesn't check his phone when home from work. So this is prob why she calls me so much!

Poor woman.

I have been with Dh for nine years and I think his mother has called three times at the most over that time.

She texted to tell him his favourite aunt had died suddenly!

I speak to my mum once a week.

I don't know what is normal really.

I'm guessing you don't visit much either? I feel sorry for her. Her son doesn't like to talk to her and his wife thinks she's a nuisance who should call no more than once a month.
She's interested in you and your family, cares about you, and wants to be in contact. Couldn't you put yourself out a little? If you talked to her properly once a week she would probably stop calling every few days.

Turning violet... I do go visit her too. About 4 times a year.
Mil visits us once a month for a week (they don't stay with us but in their tourer)

OP I too would hate it if MIL called me that often. I'm more like you with DM although speak more often - maybe a call once a fortnight and a quick email in between - and we are close, we just live such busy lives that we don't talk that often!

Sounds to me like your MIL is lonely and so DH should start calling her more often, whether he is working away or at home in evenings. Also agree with making comments like "we're very busy over next couple of days so let's catch up early next week and I'll tell you all about it ". But ultimately even if she cuts down suspect you will end up talking to her more than you would like.

Your dh needs to find "conversation with mum" mode. It may well be tedious and mundane but it is just easier. There may be a reason she's not in her daughter's hair so much that maybe your dh could find out from his sis.

Googood has made me think of a good point... I never speak to fil, ever on the phone. My dh never speaks to my dm or my stepdad on the phone. Is this wrong too?

I know every relationship is different but I wouldn't consider a mother / daughter relationship where you aonly speak 12 times a year to be "close" at all. My mom would be upset and worried if we didn't speak almost every day. I realise that that might be too much for many people but your MiL desn't sound intrusive, she sounds interested and maybe lonely?

You and your DH sound a bit miserable to me tbh. Sorry

Penguin my dc are 5 and 1.... The 1yr old is in nursery fulltime

Have you thought how you will feel when your DC leave home, and they only phone you once a month. The thought of my kids doing that makes my heart clench tbh

I'm not a phone chatter so I wholeheartedly empathise with you. However, it's clear that you're not going to magically come to some unspoken agreement so you need to take practical steps to engineer something that is more manageable for you.

Why don't you suggest a weekly call at a set time - eg. every Tuesday at 3.30? I would set this up by missing a few calls from her and then suggest that you're so busy that you seem to keep missing her so it would be good to have a set time that you'll set aside for her. I would also say oh so casually that it'll be good to do it on a weekly basis as then you can catch her up on all the week's news. Be persistent with this and don't answer at other times or answer but be brief and say that you'll catch up with her properly at your arranged weekly call.

I'd also be sure to arrange it for a time that your DP is generally home as well. Then you can pass over to him or you can take it in turns to do the weekly call.

I wish my mil was this involved!

could you say im a bit rushed off my feet at the moment so I'm forwarded your texts/calls onto dh

then if she continue to text reply with forwarded dh

Iggi I don't see people everyday (except on school run, then it's just mundane small talk) I'd rather have a good relationship with mil were we have a decent chat about our lifes every few weeks, than mundane small talk every other day because I feel like we have to!

you say you have a great relationship with your DM but you only actually speak to her 12 times a year. 12!! That's hardly any realistically is it?

I know. I found that really sad.

Its sounds nothing like great.

IUse how will you feel in 20 years when your youngest only speaks to you 12 times a year?

Bitoutofpatience... My dm and I have a great relationship. Also, thanks for the personal dig ate and oh being miserable. Azing how much you can puck up about people in a thread?

Do you ever allow the conversation to move beyond answering her questions? Do you attempt to actually talk to her as a person, rather than as MIL? Contact is not just relaying a status report.

That being said, my MIL Talks to Dh weekly, whichever one might call the other. She has never called me, nor me her, though if she calls when he is out, we chat for a while. i called my mother weekly when I was in my early 20's, long distance collect even! but that long ago ended, now we 'see' each other on social media daily. Ditto myself and my daughters. The daughter with a child makes a point of skype once a week or so, so gc will know our faces as more than static pictures.

You asked for an opinion on this issue. I gave it.

And I said you sounded a bit miserable, from what you've written here. Which is all I have to go on. I also added the caveat that everyone is different

But if you want to get into a high dudgeon about it, go ahead!