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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want the same relationship with mil as I have with my own dm?

104 replies

IUseAnyName · 08/06/2015 12:32

I have a great relationship with my mum. As I've gotten older we have become more friends than mother/daughter. We don't have loads in common and we live quite far away (3hrs) from eachother. I think the reason why we have a good relationship is because we're not intrusive towards eachother's lives. We chat maybe once a month, text a few times a month and I regularly send photo updates of the kids.
My mil on the otherhand feels the need to call me (yes me! Not oh, her ds) atleast once every couple days for a chat. She also lives 3hrs away. The convo is very limited as not much changes in a couple days and the usual questions are about the weather, school & kids. She sends many texts (no 2 days go by without one), about things we should do, such as ideas she's had about our garden/bedroom etc. I'm growing to resent her.
She's nice and we get on but I don't need to talk to her all the time.... I do also send her regular photo updates of kids.
Once a month would be nice :)
My dh has risen this with her as I feel cheeky if I say anything. But we don't know how to say it politely, which means oh makes a joke out of it, meaning it falls on deaf ears!
Aibu?.... Should I just suck it ip?

OP posts:
Original poster
IUseAnyName · 08/06/2015 13:38

Again bitoutofpractice.... I won't be sad if my dc don't keep in contact all of the time seeing as it was how I was brought up, and don't know any different.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 08/06/2015 13:41

Oh OK, fine. If that's how you will feel that's great. I'll say it again, everyone is different. I personally would be heartbroken if my kids didn't contact me for a month.

however · 08/06/2015 13:41

I spoke to my mum almost daily when she was alive. Mil, maybe once a month if I happened to pick up the phone.
My Husband spoke to his mum at least weekly. He spoke to my my mum only if he happened to pick up the phone. Neither of us has ever taken responsibility for the others family.

I suspect I'm the only one who has been judged for it, though.

If isn't your responsibility to keep communication lines open with your husbands family.

Original poster
IUseAnyName · 08/06/2015 13:46

Don't feel sorry for her. She isn't lonely, has lots of friends a dd who spends loads of time in the week with her, and she babysits her gs atleast 3/4 times a week.
She visits us once a month for a week! To the point were dh rarely gets time at home when it's just the 4 of us. So he doesn't speak to her much on the phone, but she's here every time he's off work! On top of ger calling me once every couple days.
I think it's stifling, coming from a family (who are close and all get on well, like each other) who don't feel the need to talk every week!

OP posts:
Original poster
IUseAnyName · 08/06/2015 13:47

Again, I ask those who think I'm in the wrong.... Should dh be talking to my mum more? Should I be talking to fil more?

OP posts:
googoodolly · 08/06/2015 13:49

I think there are two things going on here - how often you speak to your mum (which is irrelevant really so long as you're happy) and the fact that your MIL contacts you and not her son.

I would, admittedly, find it odd if DP's mum rang me and not him, unless there was some kind of emergency and she couldn't get hold of him. I like her and she's a lovely lady but I wouldn't ring her for a chat the same way I do my own mum. But, each to their own.

I think comparing how often your MIL calls to how often you call your DM is a bit pointless. They're two separate relationships - comparing them isn't really beneficial to anyone.

Lovepancakes · 08/06/2015 13:49

But however don't they become your family too? That's how it felt with my MIL, she took me on generously as another daughter and I loved our relationship; we did things slightly differently which really didn't matter and taught me a lot as my way isn't the only way.
I always wanted it that way too and it can take generosity and patience but I'm so glad I persevered as had the nicest MIL in the world .

It does take sensitivity and kindness on both sides though as I wouldn't expect to call my children's partners often later in life unless was sure it was ok to and welcome eg if they were ringing too so I knew was a balanced relationship

Original poster
IUseAnyName · 08/06/2015 13:50

The only reason I compared is because I feel resentment towards my mil for calling so much. We'd have a much nicer relationship if she called similar times to my dm

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 08/06/2015 13:50

To be honest the fact you are having to ask indicates there really isnt much of anything going on so whats the point?

You either want to talk to people or you dont.

MrsCaptainReynolds · 08/06/2015 13:51

I don't do phone chit chat...with anyone, not DH, not best friends, noone. At all. I told MIL this from the outset and there's no problem. I'd rather wait to see someone face to face, or send a text/email.

So I send her the odd photo, email and facebook update on the children, probably every other day or so. She is about 5 hours drive from us and misses her grandchildren terribly so I think these help. At some stage over the week we'll text and arrange a good time to facetime. I try and make sure this is when DH is home as I know she'll want to see him too (only son). So this happens 1-2 times per week.

Perhaps the issue is more that you weren't assertive enough about your own boundaries in the first place and led the poor women to believe this level of contact was ok. You are just as responsible as she is for getting into a situation that you are unhappy with. MILs are for life not just for Christmas, best to be clear and open about what you both want/expect/need. ??

Lovepancakes · 08/06/2015 13:52

I just read the bit about staying a week a month, that does sound slot and no wonder you feel a bit stifled Op. Sorry my earlier post no help as I think this sounds different to my experience and would back off too.

catswag · 08/06/2015 13:53

well what about my suggestion then?
that way you will be putting the emphisis on mil/dh relationship

PenguinBollards · 08/06/2015 13:55

My five-year-old loves chatting to granny on the phone ~ stick him/her on the line, I bet your MIL would be delighted.

Original poster
IUseAnyName · 08/06/2015 13:58

Yes catswap good idea, i think dh needs to contact her more....
I just don't want to feel resntment when she calls. I love her to bits, shes a fantastic mil and gm but I do talk to her way too often!

OP posts:
SwingingBalls · 08/06/2015 14:00

How long are these conversations with your mil.

I never ring my mil but dh does regularly and we're quite local so we see her a couple of times a week. Dm also lives local so I see or ring her practically every day. Our coversations mainly consist of what we had for lunch and who we saw at Tesco Smile

Original poster
IUseAnyName · 08/06/2015 14:02

Captainreynolds that arrangement sounds fab. I like to chat to her, and i do ask about her and her dm. But the chat has become mundane as it's so often!

OP posts:
Original poster
IUseAnyName · 08/06/2015 14:03

About 5-10mins swinging so not long, but wouldn't a good half hr chat once a week be better than 5mins small talk?

OP posts:
emzii206 · 08/06/2015 14:06

Could be worse...At least your MIL is taking an interest in you and your kids, and clearly wants to be as involved as she can....My MIL is from Thailand and openly racist towards me. She was majorly disappointed when her eldest son (my DH) chose to marry a Polish girl (I have a Polish mother, British Father, DH has a Thai mother and British father). She didn't come to our wedding, and has only seen DD once since she's been born. We only ever hear from her when she wants something (i.e money or a favour). I dread the day that DD starts asking question about her Y?y, and why she doesn't see her. I would rather my DD have 2 sets of Grandparents that want to be involved rather than be completely ignored by one set, while her Babcia and Dziadunio (my parents) absolutely dote on her. I know it's annoying to be bombarded with phonecalls and stuff, but think yourself lucky in the long run!

PenguinBollards · 08/06/2015 14:06

Five minutes small-talk with a five-year-old ~ problem solved. Either it'll go swimmingly and you're off the hook, or she'll find it torturously difficult (depending on how phone-able said five-year-old is) and wont ring as often Wink

Original poster
IUseAnyName · 08/06/2015 14:09

I think she'll find it difficult penguin.... I had a text from her the other day saying that she spoke to ds on phone..... She'd called and he'd answered and I didn't know..... She said to me 'was nice to talk to hom, atleast he tells me what you've been up too'.... To me this sounds quite pa?

OP posts:
Original poster
IUseAnyName · 08/06/2015 14:11

I don't mind the monthly visits as such, because they're actively here and spending time with dc which is much more beneficial for allround compared to small talk on the phone.
My dh has more of an issue so he insists on us not seeing them for a couple of days of their stay, which os fair enoug!

OP posts:
PenguinBollards · 08/06/2015 14:11

To me this sounds quite pa?

Maybe, but by your own admission you don't like talking to her too often and find it hard to know what to say, so might thare be an atom of truth in what she said?

PenguinBollards · 08/06/2015 14:17

And seeing as she said it was nice to talk to him, and he obviously told her a reasonable amount about stuff they'd been up to, it seems like the phone call went pretty well, so there doesn't seem to be a reason why he couldn't chat to her more often.

however · 08/06/2015 14:21

Lovepancakes, not really. Only if it happens organically. It isn't something that happens automatically as soon as you say 'I do'.

I hope my relationship with my daughters remains close. I hope my relationship with my son remains close.

I hope I don't place the responsibility of maintaining that relationship on my son's wife.

I hope my husband won't expect the responsibility of maintaining a relationship with his daughters to fall to his sons in law.

Of course that doesn't mean I hope I have no relationship with my future son/daughters in law. But I hope it won't be a proxy for a fading relationship with my own kids, which sounds like precisely what is happening here.

Topseyt · 08/06/2015 14:23

I speak to my parents usually once a week. Occasionally more. That is what works for us.

Every family is different and you really can't expect the relationships to be the same. Your MIL and your mum are different individuals.

Was your DH perhaps particularly close to his mum when he was growing up? Has he gone from that to hardly contacting her off his own bat? If so then that could explain some of it.

I think she could still be lonely. It is perfectly possible to be surrounded by people you know and yet still feel a sense of isolation, especially once your children have left home and you have an empty nest.