To want the same relationship with mil as I have with my own dm?

[IUseAnyName]

I have a great relationship with my mum. As I've gotten older we have become more friends than mother/daughter. We don't have loads in common and we live quite far away (3hrs) from eachother. I think the reason why we have a good relationship is because we're not intrusive towards eachother's lives. We chat maybe once a month, text a few times a month and I regularly send photo updates of the kids.
My mil on the otherhand feels the need to call me (yes me! Not oh, her ds) atleast once every couple days for a chat. She also lives 3hrs away. The convo is very limited as not much changes in a couple days and the usual questions are about the weather, school & kids. She sends many texts (no 2 days go by without one), about things we should do, such as ideas she's had about our garden/bedroom etc. I'm growing to resent her.
She's nice and we get on but I don't need to talk to her all the time.... I do also send her regular photo updates of kids.
Once a month would be nice :)
My dh has risen this with her as I feel cheeky if I say anything. But we don't know how to say it politely, which means oh makes a joke out of it, meaning it falls on deaf ears!
Aibu?.... Should I just suck it ip?

Jesus, I speak to my DM at least twice a day :$

It seems to me that your DH could help by calling his DM more often - from what you say, she enjoys hearing your bits of news, so it doesn't have to be 'girly' chat, just a quick, light chat.

In terms of you DH speaking with your DM, you know that there's no right or wrong, most relationships find their own level of communication, however much that is - or isn't. And if it works for them both, that's great; I wouldn't look for a problem where one doesn't exist.

I don't see how you can limit the contacts with your MIL without sitting down and talking about it, but only you and your DH can know if that's likely to go well, or not.

I feel for mils... they can't get it right. My own dmil doesn't make any effort at all, and I would love to have someone interested in my life, my ds and oh.

Talk to her, gently, about it, but please try to put yourself in her shoes.

I'd be a bit sad if my DD only spoke to me once a month. I wouldn't push it but I wouldn't think we had a good relationship, I chat to the lady in the local co-op more than that.

Maybe your MIL is lonely? Not alot you can do about that so I don't know what else you can do. Does she speak to your DH? Maybe he could ring her more.

I speak to my mum probably twice a day, sometimes more and sometimes less. See her at least once a week.

My DD who is a Uni rings or texts me at least twice a day, usually more.

I think it depends what you are used to, It would be weird for me not to talk to my mum so often DH also speaks to his parents at least 3 or 4 times a week.

Just do what works for you and get your DH to talk to his mum more

I totally understand why this winds you up, OP. The suggestions sound really irritating and while you can tell your own mum this fairly straight it's harder with someone else. Also I don't see why you should be the person to be main point of contact for your DH's mum just because he works and you don't. Makes no sense to me.

Perhaps your dmil is trying to be even-handed with her gcs. She wants to feel that she has as close a relationship with them as with her dd's children, so they don't feel like second-class gcs.

There are enough threads on here about favouritism and mil being more interested in her daughter's children.

It's knowing the 'mundane' every day stuff that children do or say that helps you feel you know them - not a half-hour summary at more distant intervals.

I know how irritating it can be to have to talk on the phone when you'd really rather not. My dm had an incredibly close relationship with her mother and sisters. She wanted to have the same with me, and it drove me up the wall. But, now that she's gone, boy, do I feel mean that I didn't make more of an effort to be kind.

I think so too However :/

I don't think this is a question of a "correct" amount of contact. The correct amount is whatever the parties seem correct. Talking to your mum once a month absolutely does not preclude you being close to her!

This is really more that you are not resolving the problem you have. Mil clearly doesn't see one, so it's up to you. Just don't pick up the phone - let her leave a voicemail (and she will if it's important). Then call her back the next day, or text her the next day and say you'll ring her tomorrow (2 days later) when you know you have a quiet slot.

It's not difficult. You can't have it both ways: object to her contacting you so much, and not doing anything about it!

Get your OH to update her more often, and you will probably hear less from her.

It does sound a bit like you keep people at arm's length though!

I don't like phone conversations with people now, so awkward without visual cues, so I love that my mum texts now, I can update her during the day without having to find time to actually talk on the phone and we keep in contact a lot more now.

I think it's nice she wants to be involved, but understand it might be too much if you are used to such sporadic contact with your own family!

I thought this was going to be the other way around btw!

OP I feel like you do. I think calls every few days and texts on top of that would be irritating to me, but then I'm fairly anti-social in some ways and anyone other than my DH doing that would annoy me. Perhaps you could "train" her (hopefully without her realising) to not call so much. Frankly I think I would just ignore the calls if I wasn't in the mood to take them, then I'd probably text a short response later. Keep doing that and hopefully she'll learn to text you rather than call, although it sounds like she likes to chat so I don't know if she would get the hint. I actually have a bizarre dislike of talking on the phone, I'm a big texter instead.

And don't be browbeaten into forcing a closer relationship with your MIL than you are comfortable with, your DH needs to step up and be more communicative. My mil is very nice but she also an extremely judgemental, right-wing, evangelical Christian in direct opposition to my values. Our relationship is pleasantly shallow and not very close for good reason.

Sounds as though your MIL would like to be more involved in your/DH/dcs lives, which is hard at a distance. Can you make that work for you? Send her grandchildren to stay, invite her to stay in the holidays, get the kids to phone granny with their news etc? Could every certificate/ lovely picture/achievement be a cause to phone granny? Get her to listen to recorder practice over the phone and she'll soon back off!

Haha missymay.... Might have to try that :)

The issue isn't about my dm and it makes me cross that people dont think we're close because we dont speak on the phone all the time. We dont need to tell eachother every little thing going on in our lives for us to be close!

You went travelling as a teenager and you didn't contact for 6 months? Jesus Christ!

Sorry op I feel for your mil.

I do see that you are different but seriously she's not in your pocket.

Soduthen, once again this is not about how little contact me and my have. She too has been away for months on end without contacting me. We are both fine, we still like eachother, we enjoy our time together when we see each other. What is the problem?.... My oh went away for 7 weeks once (bedore kids) we spoke twice in that time. We still love eachother, we don't need to talk every day or other day, just like Me and my don't need to talk every week in order to have a good, close relationship.

Why do you feel fory mil?.... She's not my mother, i'm not her daughter.... She sees her gc every month for a week, she gets regilar photo updates over email.... Atleast 3 times a week. We text regularly. What is the big deal? Why feel sorry for her? Because I don't want a telephone conversation every other day with her?
I've clearly asked a completely ridiculous question!

Part of it also is that generally speaking I think we are losing the ability to chat on the phone.

When I was a teenager we would get home from school and chat on the phone to our friends - who we had spent the whole day with and who we would be spending the whole of the next day with! - for HOURS!! Utter bollocks most of the time, but we chatted.

Now, with smartphones and emails and the era of sound bites and small information packages and shorter attention spans and less time (or more excuses to have less time) we've lost the art of conversation. Now I exchange factual information on the phone (talk or text) and only really converse when I am face to face.

Quite sad, really.

I would not like that amount of communication from anybody either some people just don't.

The entire point about mutually agreeable levels of communication is both parties need to feel it's ok.

Just be straight about it "it's much easier for me to chat if we only do it once a week,that way we can have a really good call and it gives me something to look forward to"

I agree brock.
But even as a teen I was never much of a phone chatter x

Thanks needs.

To be honest OP, you may not like it but I think you should just suck it up, and with a bit more grace.

She's an older person who cares about you and is making an effort to reach out. Yes what she's saying may be mundane to you and your DH but that is part of the deal. The older generation raised us FFS and the least you (and in this case your DH) can do is give something back.

Jesus, you are so NBU! You obviously like DMIL but you're not used to this kind of contact. Me and DM might talk once every couple of weeks, but I'd say it is closer to your once a month average. The conversations are about an hour long, we have more to say to each other and of more quality.

As DM said when I went to uni "If I hear from you too much I'm going to worry". If I was in touch every day (!) or even several times a week she'd probably just turn up at the front door because it's clear that things aren't going well.

Agree with PP saying it's obviously personal how much contact is 'healthy' but I think it's sad people are judging your relationship with your DM. It's not great that DMIL can perhaps tell you're getting irritated but visiting for a week every month etc on top of all the phone calls and pictures I don't know how she could be lonely or desperate for info! Try and encourage DH to take initiative and call, I imagine that on its own will be lovely for her, and maybe if you put the phone on speaker mode while you're with the kids it will be less stressful to come up with things to say.

I speak on the phone to my mum and my daughter every day, often multiple times. Never run out of things to say yet. My husband speaks to his mum every few days. Are we weird?

No, by the sounds of it you're normal river.... It's me that's weird apparently!
I don't know how people have the time to be on the phone chatting every day. I'm out the house 8-6 working, then sorting dinner/bedtime out. By the tome I grt to sot of an eve I just want to be quiet. I don't want then have to chat to people on the phone about nothing.

I talk to my mum once a week, plus probably a text a day. I talk to MIL very rarely on the phone because DH phones his parents once or twice a week and puts DS on for them briefly too. I wouldn't want to talk to DMIL on the phone. I don't do chit chat and she is really dull and just says the same things she has already told me. I would for sure stop answering the phone if I had to go through chit chat every couple of days. Just because others are close to their DMIL doesn't mean you have to be. Just don't answer the phone. You are not responsible for this, ask your DH to phone instead if you feel guilty about not answering.