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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His divorce

499 replies

WatchingWaiting4 · 05/06/2015 23:01

Am I being unreasonable to want my boyfriend to accept my offer to lend him £400 to get his divorce papers sent off?

OP posts:
Cheby · 02/02/2016 11:52

Just read the whole thread.

JUST LEAVE HIM

You don't even live together, your kids have been (sensibly) kept out of the relationship for the most part. It will be easy to walk away.

I'm sorry to say he is almost certainly still seeing his wife. Go back and read the thread from the start and try and view it objectively. You're not behaving rationally at all.

You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who actually loves you and is invested in the relationship. This guys clearly doesn't give a fuck. Don't give him the satisfaction any more and get out.

cees · 02/02/2016 12:01

Oh my god op you are tiresome. The only way you will get rid of him is if he dumps you. What a piss poor example to show your child.

ilovesooty · 02/02/2016 12:21

For goodness sake.

gatewalker · 02/02/2016 12:28

liinyo - Please RTFT

OP - Please leave him. Best of luck.

SurlyValentine · 02/02/2016 12:40

The Middle East you say? Is it 1 Yemen Road, Yemen? Grin

I would be willing to bet a large amount of money that he's nowhere near the Middle East, and he's been at his never-to-be-ex-wife's house.

You are setting your child a terrible example of adult relationships, and you really need to get counselling for your self-esteem issues.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 02/02/2016 13:04

Is this STILL fucking going? OP, don't you have other ways of getting the attention you so desperately crave? Other than reviving this thread every few weeks?

Jesus.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2016 13:08

Boring.

Katenka · 02/02/2016 13:13

I am struggling to believe this is real. Because is so ridiculous.

OP if this is your real life, it's a car crash. What example are you setting to your dd?

Stillunexpected · 02/02/2016 15:39

Well, I expect a couple of weeks in the ME will set him up nicely to pay the necessary fees for his divorce, won't it?

OTheHugeManatee · 02/02/2016 15:43

I thought we'd given up on the OP Confused

magoria · 02/02/2016 16:13

That is 7 months of you life. Wasted. You will never get them back.

Have a Google of sunken costs fallacy.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2016 22:03

7 months ? Is that all ?

Feels like a fucking century.

JolseBaby · 02/02/2016 22:16

OP - I remember your last thread about this man.

In the nicest possible way, there is no point asking for advice here if you aren't prepared to listen to it.

You need to accept that the overwhelming majority of posters - myself included - think that this relationship is unhealthy and bad for you. It is so obvious from your posts that you are desperately hoping for a different outcome, and that you are looking for advice as to how to try and make that happen.

If he genuinely loved you, then he would be pushing for you to meet his kids and to start trying to build a blended family. He'd be pushing the divorce forward because he'd want the two of you to be planning your future together. Two years is a decent amount of time - the fact that he is actively resisting these steps speaks volumes.

'Trust me' = stop nagging me, I don't want to talk about this.
'Give me time' = I don't want to do this so am fobbing you off in the hope that you'll stop asking about it.

Let this man go. He is not that into you. Forget the 2 years - don't invest any more time in someone who doesn't really love you.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 02/02/2016 22:23

In the nicest possible way, there is no point asking for advice here if you aren't prepared to listen to it.

Waste of breath. We've had this discussion, over and over, since July. It ain't happening. OP is only here for attention.

ilovesooty · 02/02/2016 22:26

What AnyFucker said.

ScrambledSmegs · 02/02/2016 22:28

This is the most head-bangingly frustrating thread OP because you obviously just don't want to see the truth. What a waste of all those months.

However I just want to give a big GrinGrinGrin to Surly Valentine. Still chuckling at that now.

BigQueenBee · 02/02/2016 22:34

You do realise he's holed up in the marital home don't you?
.

MammaTJ · 02/02/2016 22:39

I remember your previous posts! Give it up! Leave him! He does not care as much as you!

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 03/02/2016 08:02

Yes I understand what you are all saying. I just want to make sure I'm not being unreasonable as he always turns it around on me. I'm not 100% but I think there is an element of gas lighting after I've read some information on it. I will post some examples.

OP posts:
Fourormore · 03/02/2016 08:05

You are definitely, definitely, definitely not being unreasonable. Just leave. You are unhappy. Even if he got his divorce after all this time, this would be your life, constantly being made to feel unreasonable and constantly waiting for something that isn't going to happen.

Dear God, woman, give yourself a chance and let go! You don't need his permission or his approval. He is a nob and you deserve better.

StickyProblem · 03/02/2016 08:13

Whatever your examples are WW4 nobody on the thread will think differently of this man. He's using you as a convenience and you'll never get the commitment you want from him.

Stillunexpected · 03/02/2016 08:41

The OP makes me want to bang my head against a wall! We don't need examples, we have had plenty of examples of his fuckwittery already! Do you honestly think that ANYTHING you post about him now is going to make people see him in a different light?

ArmfulOfRoses · 03/02/2016 09:20

He is being really honest with you and you won't even listen to him.

He doesn't want to sort his divorce.
He doesn't want your dc to meet.
He doesn't want his kid to know you are together.
He doesn't want to spend Christmases with you.
He doesn't want to live with you.
He doesn't want to introduce you to his friends.

You don't need to prove you aren't unreasonable.
You're not happy and that's always enough.

This thread is heartbreaking and rage-inducing in equal measure.

JolseBaby · 03/02/2016 09:28

Yes I understand what you are all saying.
No love, you really don't. This is the second time you've posted about this man and you have been told the same thing both times. He doesn't love you. You are being strung along. Dump him, cut contact and move on with your life. Work on those self-esteem issues.

I just want to make sure I'm not being unreasonable as he always turns it around on me.
You aren't being unreasonable. He is - and you know that he is. Otherwise you wouldn't be posting about your frustrations of having to push to meet his kids despite 2 years of dating. He turns it around on you because he is an arsehole and it suits him to have you running about after him. So if you start asking awkward questions then it's easy for him to shut you down by turning it around and making you feel like you are being overly demanding.

I'm not 100% but I think there is an element of gas lighting after I've read some information on it. I will post some examples.
Please don't - and I am not saying that to be rude. Rather that we have all come to the same conclusion - that the man is taking you for a ride. That you both want different things out of the relationship and you don't need to keep posting examples of his poor behaviour. Instead what you need to do is go and end the relationship.

He doesn't want a serious relationship with you. He gives you just enough to keep you coming back - because it suits him to have regular sex, companionship and so on. But notice that every single time you ask for some kind of evidence that your relationship is going somewhere - e.g. meeting his kids, progress with the divorce - he suddenly backs right off again and you get all the old guff about giving him time, forcing his hand blah blah blah.

Dump him. Stop wasting your time on this man.

Blu · 03/02/2016 09:48

WW4: Whether or not you are unreasonable is irrelevant - what matters is that you are not HAPPY.

You are not happy in this relationship. He is not making you happy.

That's the beginning and end of it.

He is not showing commitment, he is stringing you along, he is undermining your relationship with your Mum - (and what right does he have to do that? he is a boyfriend, she isn't his MIL, and if she was he would need to show more respect than issuing an ultimatum!)

He lies to you, he is miserable, he robs you of self esteem....

You are not happy.

Don't wait for him to come back and tell you why HE isn't happy and why it is all your fault, tell him that you are finishing because you are not happy with the relationship and not happy with him.

Then BLOCK HIM and do not engage in ANY discussion about how it is all your fault and him demanding that you try and justify your decision about him.

A better life awaits you, but not while this is dragging your life down.

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