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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His divorce

499 replies

WatchingWaiting4 · 05/06/2015 23:01

Am I being unreasonable to want my boyfriend to accept my offer to lend him £400 to get his divorce papers sent off?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 05/06/2015 23:30

No Far I said you had a tight arse, in the hope you might be flattered enough to part with the £1 coin you were clutching.

OP, I don't know really. You can't force him to divorce and for whatever reason, he's just not in a hurry.

ilovesooty · 05/06/2015 23:31

Yes if he wanted the divorce and envisaged any kind of future with you he'd get on with it.

He doesn't.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/06/2015 23:32

We can't move forward, we can't let our kids meet until the divorce is complete as his wife has told him he doesn't want his son meeting me

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 05/06/2015 23:33

Yes, if he really wanted a divorce, he would find the money. A bunch of internet strangers can only guess why he doesn't want to do this.

FarFromAnyRoad · 05/06/2015 23:33

Grin @ worra

OP - you don't seem to want to consider the possibility of there being no future in this for you. If that's the case are you just waiting for just one person to lie to you that's it's all going to be ok and your dream wedding is just around the corner. Is that what you want?

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/06/2015 23:35

He knows how unhappy it makes me and still won't accept my offer to loan him the money

OP posts:
FarFromAnyRoad · 05/06/2015 23:36

Yep. You're not listening. I'm out.

ilovesooty · 05/06/2015 23:37

So he knows you're unhappy and won't get on with the divorce or commit to you. How many more indications do you need to tell you this is going nowhere?

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/06/2015 23:38

No, I just want to make sure I'm being rational. Because he has paid for the initial paperwork for the divorce he thinks this should be enough to prove he wants to.divorce her. I worry he's paid the initial.money for.the.paperwork to shut me up.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 05/06/2015 23:40

He probably has. He certainly isn't going to get on with it is he?

Starlightbright1 · 05/06/2015 23:49

I can't remember reading your other thread...

Maybe he will loose out financially been divorced...Maybe he has one failed marriage and feels if he leaves that one he is tied into another one.

I think you need to start listening to his answers.

ollieplimsoles · 05/06/2015 23:51

I remember your last thread op and the responses were much the same as this time.

Its tough to hear but there is some reason he is not telling you about for not wanting this divorce. Did you mention last time that he is worried his ex will be difficult re contact with his son, or am I over thinking it?

I know its a shame because you have put years into this guy. But it really doesn't sound like he is interested in moving ahead with you. I would think about getting out now, I wouldn't nag a man to get a divorce, he should just want to so he can move things on with a new relationship.

Walk away with your dignity, you're worth more than this.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/06/2015 23:54

There is no intention of us getting married so it isn't that at all.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 05/06/2015 23:56

In that case he perhaps isn't over his wife. In any case if he's not responding to your unhappiness he is signalling he doesn't care that much about you.

lunar1 · 05/06/2015 23:56

Why have you wasted two years dating a married man? If he wanted to divorce her he would have. He doesn't seem to care that it upsets you, what does that tell you?

ollieplimsoles · 05/06/2015 23:57

Well if you are not intending on marrying him, cant you just let it lie for a bit? Is there a reason he absolutely has to go through this divorce asap?

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 06/06/2015 00:28

Because it makes me feel shit and I feel like I'm second best

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 06/06/2015 00:34

OP, why do you continue to put yourself through this Sad? He is not interested in getting a divorce, if he wanted to be divorced it would have happened. All the excuses (and you have listed several over your two threads) are exactly that - excuses. Said to you to shut you up, because he doesn't want to hear it any more.

Be grateful that you do not live with this man and therefore are not financially entangled. You need to walk away from this relationship, it is destroying your self-esteem. And preventing you from meeting someone who would make you happy.

Please, walk away.

LazyLouLou · 06/06/2015 08:49

Mm! Currently you are second best to his son, just as he is, to your kids/s.

If you really want to work it all out sit him down and talk to him. Tell him that you need to know why so you can work out if you want to stay in a relationship with him. If he refuses to talk tell him that tells you all you need to know and blow him out.

But be prepared for him to tell you things you really don't want to hear: how he still has feelings for his ex, feelings that he does not want to act on but has because she is the mother of his child and 2 years is not all that long to get over someone; that he feels a divorce will send a signal he does not want to give, ie that he will then commit fully to you (with or without marriage); that he thinks divorce means he is a failure; or more simply he doesn't want to divorce as that will decimate him financially and he'd rather carry on as he is, paying the mortgage, etc.

He is doing what he is doing. If you don't like the feel of your space in that, move on!

AuntieStella · 06/06/2015 08:57

It's a month since your previous thread.

There has been no move to start divorce proceedings, despite the 2 year separation being up in December.

"I worry he's paid the initial.money for.the.paperwork to shut me up."

That would rather depend on whether he needs to shut you up. How often have you been mentioning this?

I do think you need to de-focus on his divorce. Yes, there is a possibility that you're his rebound relationship, or indeed that he is yours.

His STBXW must know you exist, as you have met his family, and hasn't done anything weird about him seeing his DC. It's very, very easy to read all the circumstances you describe as one huge series of excuses.

LIZS · 06/06/2015 08:58

He's full of excuses. His ex, his son, he needs to spend money elsewhere. He doesn't really want to get divorced or have a real relationship with you. However it is easier to hide behind all this than tell you straight. Better to call it a day now than waste another 2 years. If he were ever to be in an emotional and practical position to be ready to have a new relationship maybe it could work in future but don't put your life on hold in that vague hope.

Tryharder · 06/06/2015 09:01

I'm in the same position as your DH.

I do not want to serve divorce papers on my DH even though we have been separated for nearly 2 years and Hell would freeze over before I got back together with him.

I can't explain why exactly. Perhaps just a feeling that I'd like more dust to settle first and not wanting to rock the boat any more than it already has.

Perhaps his W was badly hurt in the separation and he doesn't want to risk upsetting her and he DCs anymore. From my own experience, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you.

DixieNormas · 06/06/2015 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 06/06/2015 12:10

Tryharder, you with someone else? Does it bother them?
Does it bother your other half dixinormas?

OP posts:
LIZS · 06/06/2015 12:15

Surely the point isn't whether others are bothered or not , but the fact that it does bother you and he chooses to do nothing even knowing that.