To think dp needs to get a job and it's not fair

[Summereveningscents]

Dp lost his job last month.since then he's just whined about how he's stressed and upset and is going to appeal the decision.

Problem is there's hardly any money coming in. Just what I earn.

He wants to go back to college which is ok in principle but expects me to pay for it! He's 37 this year and he's only worked for 3 years.

AIBU to think he needs to grow up and get a job? And not rely on me as I'm working really hard and paying for everything and it's not fair.

Summer, you know him as well as anyone after 15 years. What type of work do you think would suit him? Is there a job that he would actually enjoy doing?

If he has ASD he will always struggle with employment unless he is ready to accept he needs a diagnosis and proper support.

Summer, you sound like a very caring person but your needs matter too. Please don't let your DP guilt you into parting with money that will be wasted on him doing another course instead of him getting the right sort of help to find employment.

Yes, ninaaa I started a new career from scratch when I was a good bit older than that after overcoming mental illness too. It is possible.

Sorry, I meant unemployable in the type of job he would like to do.

We've all encountered his type before which is why we're wary about you investing any further (financially or emotionally) in this relationship.

SIL was involved with someone like this. He went long periods without working. He had one or two very brief stints of employment but the jobs were always unsuitable for one reason or another so he left. At one stage SIL was working and paying HIS child maintenance for the children he had from a previous relationship. He did a course at one stage but left as he reckoned he knew more than the course tutor! He was always coming up with ideas for setting up businesses in X, Y or Z but never actually DID anything. Shortly after they got married he had an affair with someone else and SIL threw him out (finally!). He was like a selfish child. He did exactly what he wanted, without thinking of the consequences for others (his wife and his children). I think possibly the difference between this loser and your DP is that this loser was very confident arrogant and had great people skills whereas your DP sounds like he has difficulty in these areas.

I'm not an unsympathetic person and I feel a certain degree of sympathy for your DP. His career choices haven't worked out to date and he has difficulty in maintaining jobs. You say you believe he has undiagnosed Aspergers or asd which may well be the case and could be contributing to his difficulties in maintaining employment. However, there's no guarantee that these difficulties will be magically solved by doing another full-time course. He's been extremely fortunate in that he inherited his parents house but doesn't seem to be managing it very well.

OP I think you are facing some bigger questions than whether you should fund your DP to do another course. I think you need to question whether your DP is capable of maintaining an adult relationship with you and whether he would be able to cope with parenthood. Why have you never lived together if you are with him so long?

However there are routes such as volunteering and free careers advice out there to help people get back on their feet.

I'd be encouraging these routes. I'm sure there is something out there suited - perhaps jobs with less interaction with people. Though encourage research - as many people assume some jobs mean little interaction/working with others when in practise the opposite is true.

I'd also point out that doing something low level for a bit can mean more opportunities open to him at a later date.

15 years causal relationship is going to be hard to walk away from however I don't think it mad to evaluate if this relationship is actually working for you - not because he's had problem with work but more a difference in long term goals and outlook on life that this question seems to suggest.

I meant unemployable in the type of job he would like to do.

There could well be jobs better suited to him in fields he's interested in or jobs slightly to the side of the ones he wants - that where careers advise could be invaluable.

Sorry, I meant unemployable in the type of job he would like to do.

What type of job is that? Does it relate to the course he wants to take?

*The problem is that I think it's really easy to see from the outside that he's practically unemployable.

In his head, he's not.*

Why do you think he has lost 2 jobs? From what I highlighted above, I get the feeling that he has a slight feeling of superiority, could it be that despite his intelligence he is very difficult to work with and this is the reason why he looses his jobs? In which case, retraining is not really going to help. I don't know what kind of professional help would be most suited, but he definitely needs someone to help him assess were he is going wrong (maybe therapy?).

Summer, I feel a lot of sympathy for him. Some people have simply been lucky to land the right job at the right time. My DH started working as soon as he left school, didn't go to uni, he really only found his true niche at grand old 40! However, he was never out of work during all those years (bar 1 year of traveling), he is incredibly hardworking and excellent at his job (not terribly good at the interpersonal stuff either).

I don't really see you as his DP though, but you are a fantastic friend to him and it's really good that he has you. I would hate to think of my own DS all alone in the world and abandoned by a close friend. However, you can still think about what you want out of your life (from a personal level) and strive towards that WITHOUT abandoning him as a friend.

Well, you could spend the rest of your life struggling to build up whatever has gone wrong with his self esteem and holding him up and fixing his problems and looking after him…. But then who will look after you?

The main thing that would build up his self esteem is self reliance. He would be better off psychologically getting a breadline job, living in poverty but paying for himself than living in comfort and dreams and relying on you. He has to do it for himself. You can’t do it for him. I understand you want to fix him up but some things you can’t fix for someone else. The best thing you could do for his sake is refuse to support him financially in any way at all. If you do that then he might simply find someone else to keep him, which will be painful for you and unhealthy for him, but at least you will have tried. And at least you will be free to look after yourself and to find someone who will equally look after you and – in future – your family.

Do you want children? You could do it with him, but it will put you through hell because with an undiagnosed, in-denial and irresponsible potential Aspie (or other MH issues) for a father you will have to be solely responsible for the wage-earning and at the same time for the physical and emotional well being of everyone in the family, him and the children. Earlier generations of women in my family have done this and it’s been very unhealthy (OK, disastrous) for everyone, including the children. At 34 you do have time to look elsewhere.

I wouldn’t say there is something wrong with you. But he has obviously always been like this, the signs were there from early on but they didn’t put you off, and he hasn’t improved over time. The need to become more and more engaged with someone who is a bit damaged and keep on trying to “fix him up” instead of backing off and moving on can be self destructive. So if that is a long-term pattern or a repeating pattern in your relationship(s) then it would be worth finding out why and making a real effort to change it. We all have these kinds of patterns, some of us become aware of them and try to change them.

If you were able to discuss his possible ASC (etc) with him, if he were seeking diagnosis and self-management strategies for whatever issues he may have, if he understood that you cannot hold him up forever with him taking no responsibility for himself or for your wellbeing, then OK, that could be a different thing. But now he’s in cloud cuckoo land and you are keeping him there. I am the mother of a (diagnosed) teenaged DS with an ASC and honestly if I died I wouldn’t want you to do with my DS what you are doing with your DP. I’m really sorry. You may have to let him go but then you’ll feel better and in the long run it may turn out better for him too.

It seems to me as though his life, his problems and his issues have always been given priority in your relationship. You are endlessly in the supportive role.

I'm worried about you. You have spent 15 years with this man - when you met him, is this how you thought your life would pan out? Did you want a family? A marriage? I don't think anyone would want to have the whole burden of funding a family on their own - did you think that was going to be your life or did you hope to find a man who worked as hard as you? It must be really frustrating for you to go out to work every day and know he's at home doing nothing and knowing that you have to fund that.

I'm not sure how you fund that, though - do you actually give him money? Pay his bills?

Could he take in lodgers to give himself extra money? It's interesting you don't live together after all this time - do you rent or have you bought somewhere? What would it take for you to live with him?

I wonder why he doesn't claim benefits. He can't fund his new course, so it's obviously not that he has loads of money. Does he think he isn't like others who are unemployed? He reminds me of someone I knew who thought benefits weren't for people like him, they were for the unemployed - he actually was unemployed.

Being intelligent and well educated and being employable are two entirely separate things. You can be both, of course, but some people just aren't and I suspect OP that you're right about his employability. A 37-year-old who has had very limited practical experience of the workplace and thinks he's above much of the kind of work he could get IS virtually unemployable. Basically, he needs to get over himself and knuckle down, realise that the only way to get a better job is to prove himself in a lesser one, work hard, make the tea, be a bit humble about his lack of experience and resolve to do something about it, but from what you've said that's not going to happen.

TBH I can't see anything in his situation changing until:

1. He seeks a diagnosis or at least some help from the medical community for his issues and accepts the limits they place on him;
2. He finds some kind of work that he can cope with mentally and not have an attitude about doing because he sees it as beneath him. Having ASD (if indeed he does), doesn't exclude him from the world of work, but being realistic about the kind of job that will suit him and give him personal satisfaction is key.

And I wouldn't give him money. These are fundamental issues that he needs to face. Giving him money to live just lets him continue as before his little dreamworld bubble. He needs to face the music.

Unfortunately if he is like this at 37 he is probably not going to change. Whether or not you stay with him is obviously your decision but I would keep your lives as separate as you can or it will drag you down i.e. don't support him financially and definitely don't have children with him.
I do think that if he has ASD, a diagnosis may help as it will perhaps give him more insight into what will work for him regarding jobs and life in general.

Why would you pay for his course? That makes no sense whatsoever!

Sorry, I meant unemployable in the type of job he would like to do.

Yes i know, thats what i said in my post!

Fwiw a large portion of the world are unemployable in the job they would like to do. That doesnt mean they dont bother working at all! It really isnt a good enough excuse not to be working.

Why does it bother you surly?

'Do you, for instance, want to live together? Have children together? And if so, what would your role in the relationship be? Breadwinner-almost certainly.'

After 15 years, it's still casual. She has children with this guy, and it won't be just breadwinner, it will be everything. His house is falling apart, too.

It's so sad that at 35, you feel this is the best you can do and that the best years of your life are behind you.

I feel a tad sorry for your boyfriend. He isn't lazy and does have some drive otherwise he wouldn't have all of his degrees.

I wonder instead of wondering how you can change the situation how about asking yourself: can I accept him for who he is and accept that this career pattern is part of him?

People rarely change. So do ask yourself if you can cope with this for life.

Why does it bother you surly?

Huh? (again) im responding to your thread. You dont want responses?

@ SurlyCue. You are not giving the right response, clearly!

Frankly, this AIBU sounds like:

OP: AIBU? My boyfriend wants to borrow money from me for yet another course. He needs to get a job. I'm paying for everything and I'm sick of it.

MN: YANBU. He needs to get a job. Don't lend him the money. You shouldn't be paying for everything.

OP: Stop being horrible about my boyfriend.

summer it would still be really useful to know what sort of course he wants to do and what sort of job he wants. I have asked this three times, and you do seem to be avoiding the question.

It does make a significant difference as the length of the course and the amount it costs will significantly vary. Are we talking a full degree, or a conversion course, or a professional qualification? And does the course link directly to the job he wants to do?

summer my DP lost his parents at a similar age having genuinely had little support growing up. There was little inheritance and certainly no house.

He took a job and worked his arse off, trained for one job decided it wasn't for him and requalified. It's not always been easy. He's been made redundant and fired (x2) on the way (not as unusual now he's quite senior ) but the difference is he has not once given up. Even when I know he has wanted to.

You make too many excuses

I really don't think that 'learning to eat shit take a low-status, badly paid job' is going to make this man's life any better. 'Having a work ethic' can, especially these days, translate as 'being a mug for a corporation that intends to exploit you.'

There isn't anything inherently wrong with jobs such as cleaning, shelf-stacking, burger-flipping etc and certainly nothing wrong with the people who do them but the current climate of moaning about 'workshy' individuals who are not shy of work but are shy of being treated as serfs is a troubling one. It means that large corporations who hire people for these jobs can demand huge amounts of effort and labour from them for very little money and label them lazy when they try to argue for better working conditions.

However, OP, I think the most important thing for you to consider now is what you want out of life. Do you like your job; does it have prospects, is it fun, or could you get a better one if you weren't so busy worrying about and waiting for Mr Useless? If your job is secure but boring do you have a hobby you love?

I think this fellow needs to be the house husband, do all child care and all house cleaning and family admin and you work full time and come home to a cleaned house and fed and bathed children. Don't pay for yet another course for this loser.