To think dp needs to get a job and it's not fair

[Summereveningscents]

Dp lost his job last month.since then he's just whined about how he's stressed and upset and is going to appeal the decision.

Problem is there's hardly any money coming in. Just what I earn.

He wants to go back to college which is ok in principle but expects me to pay for it! He's 37 this year and he's only worked for 3 years.

AIBU to think he needs to grow up and get a job? And not rely on me as I'm working really hard and paying for everything and it's not fair.

yes 'been together' for 15 years but vvv casually hence not living together.

I am totally bewildered by this - how on earth can you can be with someone for 15 years, vvv casually? Especially when they have a whole house to themselves, bought and paid for - why on earth did you never move in?

This is a very odd relationship indeed. I understand your part in it no better than I understand his, to be honest.

But he is not your SON, he is your boyfriend. And has been for 15 years, where you have not progressed your relationship, where he has not managed to keep up his house but let it fall in to disrepair, where he has made several attempts at both education and work, but not gotten on with any of it….

At the same time he suffers delusions of grandeur, feels above work, and now expects you to start paying his keep?

Hello? Does it not bother you?

Completely agree with whoever said this. And I am not really sure what purpose would be served by seeking a diagnosis at this stage, except to give him more ammunition to justify doing nothing useful with his life, or for bailing on everything he starts that he then deems to be boring or beneath him. Being forced to knuckle down to something mundane but solid might actually be the best thing for him. He sounds like he's avoiding cracking on with real life out of a mix of fear and a misplaced sense of superiority.

He's clearly capable of succeeding in higher education, he is able bodied, his intellect is not impaired, so even if he never has the career of his dreams due to being a bit flaky or too difficult to work with, he should be perfectly capable of holding down a low to medium grade admin job in the public sector where it's harder to be sacked if you are rubbish or perhaps in academia, which would surely suit him. Or just any old run of the mill minimum wage job just to get him functioning and contributing like a normal person, instead of sitting up in his ivory tower wringing his hands and waffling on about how no-one understands him.

Whether he has Asperger's or not, if he can manage to find and keep a relationship for 15 years and he can manage to see through all these educational commitments when it suits him, I'm pretty sure he can do whatever it takes to hold down a basic, undemanding job of work. He just needs to focus on what he's doing that gets him laid off each time, and consciously work on doing it differently next time. Another bloody degree is the very last thing he needs.

Dammit wrote a long reply Abd it got lost.

I think I see what happened here and I feel a lot of sympathy for the OP, though I'm not sure she'd agree with my interpretation... I wrote lots but can't do it again as wrists hurt now.

So basically OP, I feel for you, but I wonder if you're having a horrible time as you feel not only your partner has been condemned, but yourself too, for loving him, and for living this life. It hurts.

But maybe keep an chink of your brain pointed in this direction (I say mangling metaphors terribly!), as a lot may not be relevant, but there may be a few truths that you might like to think on in the future, like how much of your relationship is about you looking after him, and whether you're ok with that or not... Other ones too but I'm not going to repeat it all, as its been said enough.

Now it took me several threads over several months to realise that the bloody rude and annoying mumsnetters were bloody rude and annoying and also right! It was painful to hear the way people saw my life, and it clashed with the coping mechanisms I was using to survive in a pretty awful situation. It wasn't right for me at the time, but in an uncomfortable and harsh kind of way it signposted me on my journey. Not saying it is, but maybe, there are similarities to your situation too.

I think the changed detail that everyone has been focussing on is the relationship between the OP and the man she's talking about. She's been very careful not to respond to any of the posts asking whether she wants children with this man, why after 15 years they don't live together etc. I'm guessing the OP is the 'stepmum' - the woman that the dad was living with before he died 15 years ago.

Sorry if that's incorrect OP. Actually I'm sorry too if it is. I hesitated before posting, but since the thread hasn't yet been pulled several hours after you requested I thought it may help to try to shift the focus back to the relevant questions.

You may well be on to something, Bin.

Bin50, what an interesting idea. I didn't think of that at all, but I nearly posted to say that I wonder if there is more of a health issue with the chap and the OP didn't want to say so in case that detail + age + house info + perpetual student = someone who someone here might know, if you see what I mean.

I don't see anything odd in not living with someone after 15 years (then again, I'd occupy Brideshead on my own and think that was normal) but there is a discrepancy between saying that she is not supporting him, doesn't live with him and her initial post which said that her money was the only money coming in. It could of course be that she has been subbing him all this time and once she realised how the thread was going, didn't want to say so.

What I can't see is why a stepmum wouldn't just ask the question? It seems very odd to post as a fake girlfriend. And that comment about "best years behind me" really affected me, probably because I remember being 33 and thinking it about myself, when in a tough spot.