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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dp needs to get a job and it's not fair

280 replies

Summereveningscents · 05/06/2015 20:30

Dp lost his job last month.since then he's just whined about how he's stressed and upset and is going to appeal the decision.

Problem is there's hardly any money coming in. Just what I earn.

He wants to go back to college which is ok in principle but expects me to pay for it! He's 37 this year and he's only worked for 3 years.

AIBU to think he needs to grow up and get a job? And not rely on me as I'm working really hard and paying for everything and it's not fair.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 06/06/2015 14:41

'I think this fellow needs to be the house husband, do all child care and all house cleaning and family admin and you work full time and come home to a cleaned house and fed and bathed children. '

Haahaaahaaa! He has lived in his own home for 14 years. And it's a shit tip in such bad repair he can't take a lodger. And you really think he's going to turn into Mr Mom?

Thankfully, the OP doesn't live with him or have children with him.

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 06/06/2015 15:11

I have asked mumsnet to pull this thread because I changed some information due to a privacy concern and unfortunately this is the part everyone focused on.

I will just say this though - this is the same mumsnet that assumes everyone might have special needs of some sort? The same mumsnet who tries to recognise not all disabilities are obvious?

Some of you have been great. But can you try to imagine feeling 'different' all your life and losing the two people who could actually support you when barely an adult? Can you imagine how low your self esteem might be after being ill and dismissed and people sneering at you for living in your dads house and not even trying to understand?

He can be a twat in some respects but honestly some of these posts are very black and white.

How would you feel if he was your son?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 06/06/2015 15:37

'How would you feel if he was your son?'

Like a complete failure. And my son has ASD and his elder sister is dead.

This is classic, though, AIBU? No. Stop being horrible about my partner. I'm getting MN to pull this, he's just misunderstood.

It's your life to throw away, but you only get one shot at it.

Taytocrisps · 06/06/2015 15:39

"How would you feel if he was your son?"

But that's not the question you asked in your OP. Anyway, he's not your son - he's your DP.

You are, of course, perfectly entitled to pull the thread. I hope you found some of the posts helpful.

butterfly133 · 06/06/2015 15:43

to answer your question - YANBU to think he should get a job. But I'm interested in the "it's not fair" bit. It's not fair of him to ask you for money so say no!

Also, I'm thinking he must have some kind of income - did his parents leave other investments and he's living on the interest? he sounds like he's been very lucky. I too would live without working if I had an inheritance but I wouldn't go around asking others for money, including DP. He has an asset which has fallen into disrepair as well. You say he has health problems - many people with health problems (myself included) hold down jobs. there's definitely a motivation issue here. He could be taking care of a prime asset like that, but he isn't.

Also, you already know his plans won't work so I'm a bit puzzled that you think he will pay you back - how?

I guess I can't see what benefit you get from even considering giving him money. I'm also concerned about your remark that your best years are behind you. We all have life circumstances - around 33 ish I thought the same thing. Now at 39 I realise that's rubbish but at the time, I couldn't see light at the end of various tunnels. The same may be true for you.

Does he improve your life and make you happy? If so, great. But that's still no reason to loan him money and enable him to effectively render himself hard to employ for the rest of his life.

ilovesooty · 06/06/2015 15:44

expat I'm generally very scathing about the threads that OPs request to be pulled but I've had a pm from this OP and I'll put my head above the parapet and disclose that I actually suggested she get it pulled.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 06/06/2015 15:44

23 is not 'barely an adult'

Don't post on AIBU if you don't want to hear some frank opinions.

expatinscotland · 06/06/2015 15:46

Then HQ will definitely pull it, sooty.

HagOtheNorth · 06/06/2015 15:47

How Very Odd.
A thread in AIBU where everyone agrees that the OP is Not Being Unreasonable at all, and yet they are still pissed off.

ilovesooty · 06/06/2015 15:48

I haven't requested it expat but I told the OP that in my opinion she should request it. It's the first time I've ever done that but I think it's only fair to admit that the suggestion to the OP came from me.

butterfly133 · 06/06/2015 15:49

Summereveningscents "No I'm not suffering from white knight syndrome I'd actually like not to be in this position but I am."

gorgeous username by the way.

also struck me that you said this. You are in the position of having been asked. You can still easily say no. This is a grown man who has made his own choices. Also, you said earlier in the thread something like he thinks he's above certain jobs? It would benefit him to realise that he isn't. It would be kinder in the long run. I can't imagine he's surrounded by friends with that kind of attitude?

HagOtheNorth · 06/06/2015 15:50

Well, the thread hasn't helped her at all, do you think asking for support in relationships or the SN section of the site would help?

butterfly133 · 06/06/2015 15:51

ilovesooty - now I'm wondering why you thought the thread should be pulled, how strange. I thought SummerEveningScents was worried she'd given away identifying detail?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 06/06/2015 15:56

It's interesting that you ask us how we would feel if he was our son, when most of us here are his generation or one either side - contemporaries. Do you still see him as a young, vulnerable person with no parents? Because the rest of the workd sees him as a man approaching middle age. His lifestyle doesn't match his life stage, does yours? Are you perpetual 20 something's in your head?

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 06/06/2015 15:58

I work full time and have since I was 22 if that's the point of that question.

OP posts:
butterfly133 · 06/06/2015 16:02

I think the point of the question was the question that was asked....

Kleinzeit · 06/06/2015 16:14

How would you feel if he was your son?

I answered exactly that question in my earlier posting, summer. I’m sorry if it was the opposite of what you hoped to hear.

You have so many people telling you things that must be shocking and hard to hear, even from people who are genuinely concerned about you and your DP. You might consider starting a new thread on Relationships where people might be more understanding about the difficulties you are facing.

Skiptonlass · 06/06/2015 16:32

Op, I was also at uni for eight years, doing BSc, MSc and PhD. I knew a LOT of people who were like your dp. Perpetual students.

I worked othe jobs when I was a student because I couldn't have afforded it otherwise. When finished my PhD I worked any job I could find - barmaid, waitress etc until I got a 'proper' job.

It sound sound harsh but qualifications only get you so far. It's like an entrance ticket to the playing field. From there on in its all about hard work.

This is the part your op is struggling with and what I saw a lot of others struggle with. The idea that you've got a PhD and thus scrubbing tables is below you. Alas, it's not.

I think you've had a hard time on this thread but my honest opinion is that your dp needs a reality check. It's totally up to you what you do but I wouldn't enable him to do any more courses. He needs to get any job he can and work.

butterfly133 · 06/06/2015 16:33

SummerEveningScents - honestly, if he was my son, I'd think the only shot he had at being happy was getting real about his life and I'd tell him that.

I'm a bit puzzled at the statement in your OP about "not enough money coming in" and then saying you live apart. Do you fund him in some way? I guess you must, otherwise you would not have used that wording. You can pull the thread, you can switch it to Relationships. But I suspect what has happened here is that you haven't just realised how bad his situation is, you have also realised how bad yours is while you are linked up to him?

Lweji · 06/06/2015 16:45

If I understand it correctly you are berating pps for ignoring that he may have a disability of some sort, when you haven't actually said he has one. Just that he has people skills problems?

Your question
AIBU to think he needs to grow up and get a job? And not rely on me as I'm working really hard and paying for everything and it's not fair.

Quite frankly, if you are not prepared to give sufficient information and are changing key info, I don't think anyone can advise you.

Starlightbright1 · 06/06/2015 16:45

Can I ask what you actually wanted from this thread...As I am confuse..AIBU...no...That is objectionable...

I genuinely have no idea what you wanted.

ImperialBlether · 06/06/2015 16:50

Who on earth would sneer at him for living in his parents' house?

I don't know why you started the thread, OP. You've got really angry with us but all we are saying is to think of what you want in life and don't lend someone money if you're already fed up of spending all your money on him.

OurGlass · 06/06/2015 16:52

I really feel for you OP, and your DP. I hope you both find a solution x

QuintShhhhhh · 06/06/2015 16:59

But he is not your SON, he is your boyfriend. And has been for 15 years, where you have not progressed your relationship, where he has not managed to keep up his house but let it fall in to disrepair, where he has made several attempts at both education and work, but not gotten on with any of it....

At the same time he suffers delusions of grandeur, feels above work, and now expects you to start paying his keep?

Hello? Does it not bother you?

peacoat · 06/06/2015 17:12

If he has ASD then he can still find employment. You should explain your reasons for not supporting him in a very clear, logical and unemotional manner.

To be honest the fact that his house is in disrepair as well doesn't sound like he is interested in taking responsibility for his own life and this would make me lose respect for him.

Good luck with whatever you choose.