To think dp needs to get a job and it's not fair

[Summereveningscents]

Dp lost his job last month.since then he's just whined about how he's stressed and upset and is going to appeal the decision.

Problem is there's hardly any money coming in. Just what I earn.

He wants to go back to college which is ok in principle but expects me to pay for it! He's 37 this year and he's only worked for 3 years.

AIBU to think he needs to grow up and get a job? And not rely on me as I'm working really hard and paying for everything and it's not fair.

Also if he visited his local volunteering centre he could discuss volunteering opportunities to develop his self esteem and employability. Some if them offer accredited work related training too.

He had no support growing up either as both his parents were dead by the time he was 23

At 23 you are grown! Parents dying when he was 21 and 23 is not having no support growing up. you reall are making excuses for him. It actually sounds like he is feeding you these excuses and you are now regurgitating them to others in his defence.

Also there are quite a lot of jobs that you say he "wasnt suited to" or "didnt work out" there is a very clear pattern there. Wake up. The jobs arent the problem.

And 15 years together but not living together, no committment. There is a reason for that.

I won't even dignify that with a response Surly.

Sooty thanks. I have suggested volunteering before. I wish I knew why he says oh yeah ... what a great idea but then does nothing.

Thanks vanita

I think the reason that I and other posters are appearing harsh is because we are asking you the follow-up question to your original one.

You said "AIBU to think he needs to grow up and get a job? And not rely on me as I'm working really hard and paying for everything and it's not fair."

We said no, very reasonable of you.

BUT the next question for you surely has to be "and what am I going to do if he doesn't?

If he will not take advice or help, are you prepared to support him for the rest of your life, or do you want an equal partnership, children that you can both financially and emotionally support, plan for the future together?

This is a very hard question, you have a lot of time and emotional energy invested in this relationship, and I am not surprised you are getting upset when people are basically saying to you either you have invested enough in him, now start investing in yourself and what you want, or, latterly, if his course is short, focussed and practical and he acknowledges and starts addressing any health issues then give it another go, but if not then walk away.

You can only make decisions for your self, you, I and the mumsnet collective can all say - he needs x,y and z but only he can decide to do those things.

You have to decide (and I do know it is tough after a long relationship) if your relationship is sustainable as it is, if he won't make the changes or taken the advice we (and you) have given him.

Summer Perhaps he doesn't realise the breadth and scope of volunteering these days. To be fair a lot of people are unaware of it.

what? Why?

If he does have asd - and it is quite possible that he might- then diagnosis or not, that won't change. This means that he will always struggle with some
aspects of life, work being one of them. If he won't acknowledge his condition that will make it worse, of course.

So, this is who he is. Whatever likeable qualities he has (and of course there are many) he will quite likely always struggle to hold down a job ( and may become increasingly bitter about this) and may be dependent in otherways too.

What you need to decide is whether the relationship is worth it to you, without the possibility that he will change. Do you, for instance, want to live together? Have children together? And if so, what would your role in the relationship be? Breadwinner-almost certainly. But are you happy with that? Would he be happy about it? Would he make a truly supportative house husband, or would you end up doing everything whilst he studies? Most importantly, is he able to prioritise your needs above his wants if the situation arises? Can you think of an actual example of when he's done so?

And yes you are right. Perfectly possible to love, respect and feel sorry for someone and still realise they are no the right person for you.

Sooty I may, if it is OK with you, send you a PM later as there's slightly more to this than I can let on with it being such a public forum. would that be all right?

I agree with all that Barbarian.

Thank you for acknowledging someone can still be a good person!

Of course Summer

Happy to help.

Thank you sooty

Not everyone in life has drive. I don't!

The problem is that he's not looking in the right place to progress. Further education isn't going to help if he doesn't get to the core of what the problem is. From what you say he needs help with his interpersonal skills - he can get help for that - there are plenty of courses around.

Regarding the house - how does he feel about the state it is in? That can't help his overall mood either.

And is there not a risk he could lose the house? Can you really claim benefits if you have an asset if that worth?

If it is a good sharp slap he needs claiming benefits may be the best thing for him.

Please don't lend him the money though - you won't be helping him in the long run - just delaying the next crisis

No more study. Trust me, it's making him less employable not more.

He needs to show he can stick at something and build skills that are actually of use to employers.

That will involve starting at the bottom and doing many things that feel 'beneath his dignity' at first. You need to reassure him that this is normal and he must find a way of stomaching it. Everyone who ever got anywhere went through the same process.

This feels like a crucial time for him. If he's going to have a career at all he needs to get serious - fast.

He's done a lot of studying, and some of it hasn't worked out. He didn't pass the teaching course. You said he "started an MSc", that implies he didn't finish it (correct me if I'm wrong). In addition he seems to have not used his first undergraduate degree at all, and whilst he has tried to use his NHS funded degree, that hasn't worked out either.

In light of the number of courses he has not completed, I don't think you can justify paying for him to do another course, which he also may not complete or use. If he really wants to do the course, he will find a way to fund it, be it finding a job, or selling his house. What sort of course does he want to do, and why does he want to do it? Does it have good job prospects at the end of it. Is the course compulsory for a job he wants to do?

However, you can support him emotionally without supporting him financially. It sounds like he is really struggling. He has had several jobs that haven't worked out, several courses he has not completed, lost both his parents at a relatively young age, has possible undiagnosed ASD, and other medical conditions (you said he has been seriously ill).

From what you have said it sounds like he may suffer from a mental health condition e.g. anxiety or depression. If he does, it may be extremely difficult for him to "grow up and get a job", there may be psychological barriers that are preventing him from taking the necessary steps. In addition to this, the possible undiagnosed ASD may cause further rigid thinking that will prevent him taking the steps to get a job.

So, I think YANBU to not want him to rely on you financially, and to expect you to support him in the course. But if he does have ASD and/or depression/anxiety/other mental health condition. YAB a little U to expect him to get a job right now. He may need additional medical or psychological support first to tackle the barriers that are preventing him from doing this.

In which case ninaaa volunteering could be great for him.

sooty yes it could, as it would help to boost him self-esteem, which seems very low.

I'm studying, but I also work. It's definitely possible, he needs to grow up.

The poor man couldn't help losing his job. He must feel crap enough, without closed minded comments such as life's passengers. Build your own snow man ect ect to name just a few, but while you smugly thump away on your keyboard take heed anyone of us can walk in Monday morning and be told our job has gone or under threat.!
I do agree he can't study forever and yes he should be at least looking for a job. I have no argument for that point. But he can't force an employer to give him work
I'm no Phsyciatric Doctor and I could be wildly wrong but reading between the lines. I get the feeling he could be suffering from depression. I don't know why. I can't put my finger on it. Just a feeling

The problem is that I think it's really easy to see from the outside that he's practically unemployable.

In his head, he's not. In his head he's this intelligent person who has had bad experiences. Pointing out to him has the yeah yeah effect - really I think he can't face up to what a mess he's made of things, partly his fault and partly not.

Anyone's job can be under threat and anyone can suffer from depression. I'm not making any further judgement on him until I get the OP's pm.

However there are routes such as volunteering and free careers advice out there to help people get back on their feet. As a careers adviser working with barriers to employment I have to spend my days exploring all the possibilities.

I'm not sure why you are picking on me

I actually have great sympathy for the guy as he is clearly stuck in a rut and thinks more training will get him out. I just think if the op wants to help she needs to encourage him to figure out how he can help himself with other skills. She said he isn't suited to any of the jobs he has had so instead of trying more and more jobs he needs to take a step back and regroup.

On te other side, the op needs to make sure she is happy with where her life is going with this man it. I don't mean to be cynical but I know three women who ended up dumped in their mid-40's in similar situations and have nothing but regrets.

oP I would put his views as aide for a moment and think about yourself. What do you want from life? Do you want a conventional life partnership and children? Because you've been with him 15 years and yet have not got there. It sounds likes our been drifting forward together for many years. In particular if you want kids is he going to be up for this very soon and would you consider him a suitable father? Because I think you are in danger of sleep walking through your remaining fertile years hoping that he will pull himself together really soon and I don't think he will. Just don't look back in regret at then things you could have had but unintentionally gave up because you continued to drift.

I dont think he is practically unemployable at all! There are jobs he can do and employers who would employ him. It is a case of him wanting to do the sort of jobs that he would get is the problem. If he things he is above a certain level of job then yes he is ruling out a massive (and possibly only) field of job options but that doesnt mean he is unemployable. He has to be realistic, although i can see this is his main problem. He could always look at self employment too. Quite honestly i think he should be applying for everything just so there is money coming in, taking a job as a cleaner (i am one so not sneering btw) mightnt be his ideal but it pays the bills whilst he works on getting to his ideal (also what i am doing)

Summer, how you've described the disconnect between what it looks like in reality and how it looks in his head makes a lot of sense.

I wonder would it help him to talk to professional careers advisors & anyone you know who has reached a certain seniority in their profession?

He's clearly zoning your opinion out. Maybe he'll start listening if the message comes from a variety of sources? Can you think of anyone you can approach to have a chat with him? Perhaps he'd respond to a mentor-style figure.

The problem is that I think it's really easy to see from the outside that he's practically unemployable.

In his head, he's not. In his head he's this intelligent person who has had bad experiences. Pointing out to him has the yeah yeah effect - really I think he can't face up to what a mess he's made of things, partly his fault and partly not.

But this is true. He is an intelligent person (he holds multiple degrees) and he has had a series of bad experiences. And yes, he has made a mess of things, but I don't think you can condemn someone to a life of unemployment at just 37. Plenty of people start a new career from scratch at this age, and go on to having many happy successful years of employment. Your DP needs to get help for his mental health issues (assuming he has, which I suspect he does) and this will boost his motivation to get into employment.

OP, what does he want to do, course wise, and job wise. Has he picked a particular job field he is interested in?