Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dp needs to get a job and it's not fair

280 replies

Summereveningscents · 05/06/2015 20:30

Dp lost his job last month.since then he's just whined about how he's stressed and upset and is going to appeal the decision.

Problem is there's hardly any money coming in. Just what I earn.

He wants to go back to college which is ok in principle but expects me to pay for it! He's 37 this year and he's only worked for 3 years.

AIBU to think he needs to grow up and get a job? And not rely on me as I'm working really hard and paying for everything and it's not fair.

OP posts:
HagOtheNorth · 06/06/2015 17:21

Lots of people with an ASD have meaningful jobs and manage to support themselves and a family, some of them required specific support to get there, some didn't.
There are three Aspies in my house. OH and DD have jobs, DS is a work in progress.

HagOtheNorth · 06/06/2015 17:22

Yes, I know.
Going now.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 06/06/2015 17:45

Some people do seem to get stuck as children/dependents. I went out with one briefly. When I realised that all the food in the house was paid for and prepared by his teenage daughter, who had a minimum wage retail job, I lost all respect for him. He was looking for a new mummy. I was looking for an adult partner.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 06/06/2015 17:46

A new mummy for himself, that is - not for his daughter, her mum was fine and lived elsewhere.

butterfly133 · 06/06/2015 21:26

^ poor daughter, what a nightmare.

SurlyCue · 06/06/2015 22:13

Glad im not the only one baffled by what OP wanted from this thread. Also not sure why it is being deleted, especially if details have been changed- it cant be a privacy one. I wish HQ would call it as it is in the deletion message on these threads and say "OP wasnt happy with responses so it was zapped" because it very rarely is a privacy issue.

Also not sure what detail everyone focussed on, i think everyone pretty much covered the whole bag of issues.

travellinglighter · 06/06/2015 22:34

Speaking as someone who’s worked since I was 16 did 4 years of day release for my further education, doing homework with a serious case of baby induced insomnia where I didn’t get a whole nights sleep for three and a half years.

Have you ever thought of going out with a man?

butterfly133 · 06/06/2015 22:44

I have a feeling the OP has been with this chap for a long time and finds the idea of being alone or being with someone else impossible to contemplate. I wonder if perhaps she knew subconsciously what people would say. In case the OP is still reading, I have met people in their fifties and sixties who regret losing chunks of their lives in unhappy relationships and when it's forty years....yikes. I hope the OP doesn't become one of those people. At only 35 there is bags of time to have a fun and fulfilling life. The best years are not behind you, OP.

SolidGoldBrass · 06/06/2015 23:23

I wonder if actually OP is this apparently useless man's mum rather than his DP, and is getting her undies in a bundle because his actual girlfriend has said, right, enough of this, I'm off - and what OP wants is validation for her viewpoint that the fleeing GF is a selfish cow...

QuintShhhhhh · 07/06/2015 00:09

Or the op is this useless sod himself seeking validation that his plan is sound .....

Flashbangandgone · 07/06/2015 00:24

I believe the Op said both his parents had died.

Lweji · 07/06/2015 07:45

She also changed some details, so who knows...

Applecross · 07/06/2015 07:48

Even if you love him etc, it sounds as though supporting him is a boundary as it should be. You're not married, why doesn't he sell the crumbling property and release cash that way to fund his plans? If he's not listening, say because he does have undiagnosed sn you have to ask yourself if you want to end up being a carer for someone for the rest of your life. Tbh if you were my daughter id be worried about why you were prepared to consider taking that on for so little back.

Stealthpolarbear · 07/06/2015 09:42

Good luck with everything op

popalot · 07/06/2015 10:03

If you don't lend him money he might have to seek out help at the jobcentre to get re-employed. That would be the best for him, to make him get some help. Otherwise how is he going to feed himself? That's what work is for; you get paid to look after yourself and your dependents. He needs to learn that lesson and then crack on. Aspergers will make this harder for him, but he will need to be a bit more independent and just go for it. Support him by encouraging him to get some jobcentre advice on interviews and maybe how to work as a team etc. But don't lend him money as he'll have no reason to seek the help he needs. That way you are doing the best for him in the long term.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 07/06/2015 10:08

I'm wondering if it's a reverse....

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 07/06/2015 10:12

It's not a reverse and I'm not his mum.

OP posts:
ByeFelicia · 07/06/2015 10:27

My ex was like this, without the studying part which simply made him an out-and-out bum who used to mooch off me. I foolishly allowed my ex to move in with me -where he sat on his behind playing video games every day while I worked- until I kicked his workshy arse out. My ex is to this day living at home with his mum and no job. He's also 37. I can't stress this enough: GET RID.

forago · 07/06/2015 10:42

why wouldn't you tell us what industry he's in and what he wants to do? there will be many on MN working in that industry who could advise. if he has any IT training, for example, he could easily pick up an IT contract, not a fantastically well paid one, but he could work while doing the next course surely?

I am finding it hard to sympathise entirely though. My brother lost his father suddenly at 17, has severe dyslexia and flunked at school, lived at home, started off in a call center and is shortly about to start a law conversion course to become a barrister. He has done every job under the sun to fund himself, works all weekends and evenings doing a manual job as well as a bookkeeping role, and now has 2 self employed sidelines in the go. He is utterly determined to become a lawyer and has done 3 courses to further this, working alongside each. It is possible with suitable motivation. He needs motivation of money - professional advice, GP?

forago · 07/06/2015 10:44

motivation not money

Hissy · 07/06/2015 13:24

My love, you mean well, but you can't help him. If he wanted a job he'd have one.

There's a thread on relationships atm where the op is in despair about her (admittedly 'issues with alcohol') dh
. They've got 2 kids, she does it all, has health issues impending and he does nothing bar drink away the meagre salary he brings in.

Your dp isn't even doing this love, I know you say you're not him mum, but look at the dynamic here, it's about as far from Equal Adults as you can get.

You deserve better in life than this, you really do.

expatinscotland · 07/06/2015 14:20

15 years and you think this is as good as it gets?

Tiredemma · 07/06/2015 14:50

AIBU to think he needs to grow up and get a job?

You ask this- we all say yes.....

erm?...........

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 07/06/2015 14:58

He's been doing uni courses mainly. Some worked out some didn't.

4 years at uni doing one course. Then trained as a teacher but didn't qualify. Then did another course lasting 3 years. Then worked for 2 years. Then started an Msc. Then worked for a year.

But he's 37 so even allowing for all that, there are still some awfully big gaps unaccounted for there….. Shock And now he's lost one of the few jobs he's actually been bothered to do, presumably because he wasn't very good at it, or not committed enough to doing it properly.

He sounds spoilt and a bit useless, and like one of those people who feels that a normal boring job is a bit beneath him, if you don't mind my saying. Confused

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 07/06/2015 15:01

It's not he's lazy, honestly. I know he might sound that way but it's kind of more like he thinks he's above certain stuff

Ah…I was right there, then.