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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dp needs to get a job and it's not fair

280 replies

Summereveningscents · 05/06/2015 20:30

Dp lost his job last month.since then he's just whined about how he's stressed and upset and is going to appeal the decision.

Problem is there's hardly any money coming in. Just what I earn.

He wants to go back to college which is ok in principle but expects me to pay for it! He's 37 this year and he's only worked for 3 years.

AIBU to think he needs to grow up and get a job? And not rely on me as I'm working really hard and paying for everything and it's not fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Summereveningscents · 06/06/2015 08:55

But there's a difference in saying you couldn't be with someone and saying you have no respect for someone.

He left uni in 2002, got a 2:2. It took him 4 years rather than 3 as his mum died in his 2nd year so he retook that one. Then he had a job in the army in some capacity - not sure what and left that because to be honest he wasn't suited to it. He said at the time he left, he admitted years later he'd had a heart to heart with one of the senior men (don't know what they are called!) and admitted he hated the job and wasn't great at it. But his dad went berserk because his dad had moved in with another woman and so he had nowhere to live. He got a job as a security guard through an agency but didn't earn much. Then his dad died.

The following year (2004/05 I think) he trained as a teacher but didn't finish the course as everyone said he was not suited to it. Including dp.

Then he got on the course to train in the nhs and that was 3 years so until 2008. Then he got a job but lasted a year and then got ill. Then there were lots of other troubles stemming from this. So basically from 2010 to 2014 he wasn't able to use his qualification. Then when he did he was obviously out of practice.

He's desperate for something to build his self esteem I think.

OP posts:
OneMillionScovilles · 06/06/2015 09:01

OP, I haven't read the previous comments as being as aggressive or judgemental as they've obviously come across to you. I'm sorry you've felt so got at - unfortunately I agree that this is not usual for a man of his age, and would send up red (or at least amber) flags for me.

You've been together for a very long time, so of course it isn't as simple as 'LTB'. You will be helping him, not in PP's brilliant words 'nailing his butterfly wings to the wall', by forcing encouraging him to get into employment.

As an employer, a CV with so little real world experience would likely go straight into the 'Reject' pile. He needs actual recent experience so as not to look work-shy on paper, and from that POV nothing should be beneath him.

pressone · 06/06/2015 09:02

Summer

No, not getting any better.

You are making excuse after excuse for him

Either take our advise or don't take it.

It's up to you, but you will have to live with the choice you make.

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 06/06/2015 09:03

Whether I leave or not it will make little difference to his employment prospects. Most replies haven't been aggressive or judgemental but they have been personal which I don't like, implying there's something wrong with me.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 06/06/2015 09:06

I don't see a difference Summer. I couldn't be with someone I couldn't respect.
And as soon as he ended up somewhere to which he wasn't suited I'd expect him to have done some serious work on establishing his strengths and qualities so that he didn't keep repeating that mistake.
Yes he's suffered knock backs and adversity. I'd expect an adult to have found a path through them and a sense of direction if he's physically and mentally fit to work.

3littlefrogs · 06/06/2015 09:06

He is one of life's passengers. How long do you want to keep carrying him?

ilovesooty · 06/06/2015 09:08

And at this point as others have said, at least he should realise that putting something on his CV is crucial. He's simply not employable or won't be if this drifting goes on.

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 06/06/2015 09:09

I'm not entirely sure he is mentally fit sooty, certainly not in the line he's trained in, BUT he won't see that because that would mean admitting he was 'different'. There's a lot I can't include. But maybe if you could point me to a career advice thing that might be good Sad

I'm not grumpy, I'm very very upset though and shouting at me doesn't help anything

OP posts:
OneMillionScovilles · 06/06/2015 09:13

How about the National Careers Service OP? nationalcareersservice.direct.gov.uk/advice/Pages/default.aspx

Sorry - don't know how to do links...

OneMillionScovilles · 06/06/2015 09:13

Oh, hey, looks like it worked! Grin

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 06/06/2015 09:15

If you genuinely think he has asd then the est thing would be to encourage him to get a diagnosis and then help

He needs to take a job - any job. And you know what, he might find that's the making of him and that galvanises in his mind what he really wants out of life. Like a lot of people, maybe he needs to get the meaning in his life with a hobby or volunteering. He needs a root and branch review v

Your post does read like a list of excuses. I'm sorry about his ill health though as I'm sure that was a difficult time for you both

OneMillionScovilles · 06/06/2015 09:16

BuildYourOwnSnowman ^^this

ilovesooty · 06/06/2015 09:17

Yes the National Careers Service is what I would suggest. He will get specialist, free trained advice on assessing his strengths and making himself marketable.
He has to be sufficiently motivated to do that of course.

Cooroo · 06/06/2015 09:19

I was married to this man, or one very like him. Fell over backwards to justify his lack of employment to my family and friends. He spent years sitting in front of computer with Big Plans and in final years nominally caring for DD but didn't do much. Eventually left me for OW, I should have kicked him out earlier!

15 years on, he actually has a good paying job! Never thought I'd see the day.

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 06/06/2015 09:20

I have encouraged him to get a diagnosis but he doesn't accept this.

OP posts:
florascotia · 06/06/2015 09:24

OP You do sound very kind and very patient. But - leaving your DP aside for a moment - what do YOU want from your life? Are you ambitious in your own career? Do you want children? Do you have other interests/leisure activities that you'd love to pursue?

As others have said, at 35 you still have so many opportunities. Please forgive me if I am wrong, but it sounds rather as if you have been putting a good part of your life 'on hold', waiting for your DP to get his act together. In return, you have - I presume - received companionship and emotional satisfaction. And that's great. But it's not everything ....

Take just a little time to be really selfish. Think about where you would like your life to be in (say) 10 years time. Is there any way that you can see your DP fitting into that picture? If your DP can't/won't work, then what else can he do to help you realise your ambitions? If he can't/won't do anything, then are you really willing to sacrifice your future for his?

If your DP has ASD, then that is a pity - but has he sought help for it? Perhaps a mental health professional could help him face facts with regards to his current (you say unrealistic) plans and help him shape more down-to-earth ones? The relationship timescale you mention is thought-provoking. Am I right in saying that you have been with him since around the time his parents died, about 15 years ago? Has he 'grown up' at all since then, do you think?

Also, if your DP is not working, why on earth can't he use the time to clean up his house so that he can have lodgers? He could do that in his own way and at his own pace (within reason) - unlike paid work, it need not be too ASD-stressful.

florascotia · 06/06/2015 09:25

Sorry - cross-posted with the info about him not wanting a diagnosis. That's not very encouraging ... sorry.

Temporaryanonymity · 06/06/2015 09:27

I have a relationship with a man a bit like this. In many ways he is wonderful. I could describe them all but essentially it comes down to this. I could never seriously consider him to be a life partner because he is like an aimless teenager.

I spend time with him, we have fun. We go out, party like we are in our 20s (we've known each other for years and years) and then I go back to my adult, grown-up life where I work, pay bills, plan for the future and look after my children. He is like a holiday from responsibility. I wouldn't consider anything more serious with him. I must stress that I love him very much.

While you are taking this man seriously as a "DP" you are ruling yourself out of a serious relationship elsewhere. If this is what you want for your life then you need to make some decisions. Your man, like mine, will not change.

I'm happy with the relationship I have as at the moment I have no intention of living with another adult while my DCs are still young. I have no doubt that if I wanted something more serious I would have to look elsewhere. I couldn't be happy living with someone like this.

Evabeaversprotege · 06/06/2015 09:27

Summer, why did you ask for advice when you're obviously not ready to hear what others' think?

You don't live with him, you don't have a family, you've been together 15 years with no progression either in your relationship or his career(s)

It sounds more like something you've got used to rather than something you've chosen.

skrumle · 06/06/2015 09:31

at 34 there is no way you should be thinking your best years are behind you. you've been with this man since you were very young - i think it's time to consider whether or not this is really the life you want, and whether or not you can build the life you want with this man.

you're not married, you don't have children together. having a shared history isn't always enough - i know he must bring something to the relationship but is it really enough?

do you want marriage and/or kids? and whether you are with him or not won't necessarily make any difference to his job prospects - but it will make a difference to whether or not you are involved in that issue.

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 06/06/2015 09:31

I can't really blame him for not doing much with my life, yes 'been together' for 15 years but vvv casually hence not living together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Summereveningscents · 06/06/2015 09:32

Thanks for the posts with a kinder and more understanding tone, though

OP posts:
Mistigri · 06/06/2015 09:32

It sounds like he lacks confidence and drive, and more studying probably won't help that - the right job will. It is enormously important to feel that you are "contributing".

My DH took a long career break - we moved abroad making salaried work difficult, he was a SAHD for some years, and he was unwell for a time too (chronic anxiety exacerbated by a return to work in the wrong job, working for a psychopath). He did a short, practical training course (accounts assistant) which did not lead directly to employment but which improved his confidence, and he was then was fortunate to fall into self-employment with the help of a friend. He's now working as a freelance translator, has work coming out of his ears, and it has done wonders for his mental health. He's 55 so it's not too late for your OH.

I'd second some proper careers advice. If your partner returns to education, then at his age it should be a short course with definite employment prospects afterwards.

VanitasVanitatum · 06/06/2015 09:42

I think you're very brave to keep coming back to this thread Summer and I do think other posters have been a bit harsh.

AIBU doesn't really see shades of grey. You love him and want to help him so I think you need to have a really serious talk with him about what he can see himself doing in the short and long term, and how he can realistically get there.

If you don't want to give up on him you don't have to, but it's not in his or your best interests for him to go on another course especially not when you're going to pay for it.

He might see jobs as beneath him but you need to get through to him that earning a wage is not beneath him.

VanitasVanitatum · 06/06/2015 09:43

X-post - definitely see the benefits of a short practical course as mist says.