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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dp needs to get a job and it's not fair

280 replies

Summereveningscents · 05/06/2015 20:30

Dp lost his job last month.since then he's just whined about how he's stressed and upset and is going to appeal the decision.

Problem is there's hardly any money coming in. Just what I earn.

He wants to go back to college which is ok in principle but expects me to pay for it! He's 37 this year and he's only worked for 3 years.

AIBU to think he needs to grow up and get a job? And not rely on me as I'm working really hard and paying for everything and it's not fair.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 05/06/2015 22:52

How long have you been with him OP?

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 05/06/2015 23:00

What will happen if you refuse to give him the money?

LindyHemming · 05/06/2015 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ditherydora · 05/06/2015 23:30

Summer, if you fund this course you are enabling him. Ditto if you give him cash after this month. His confidence really won't improve if he is using you as a financial crutch, as it will just reinforce his lack of self esteem. By all means support him in his job applications or even course applications but make it clear that he needs to find the money himself.

My DP has always worked ( or been looking for a job) but I had to draw a line a couple of years ago as he was taking advantage of my (then) greater earning power. We are in a much better place now where we both earn and contribute to a similar level.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 05/06/2015 23:41

YNBU. I understand your frustration op, but I think he perhaps needs support It must have been hard for him losing his job and degrading too. I can't believe though that people are telling you to dump him. I thought a partner ship was for better or worse. And to the poster who mocked McDonald's workers and you did by saying even if he just gets a McJob. Please stop, there's no shame in earning an honest living. I bet you're the first person with contempt to anyone on the dole. Well sorry you can't have it both ways!!!
Oh and don't underestimate it either they require 8GCSE's A-C and can have you trained up to manager within 2 years.

VelvetRose · 05/06/2015 23:48

Do they really inalighthouse? Genuine question?

ilovesooty · 05/06/2015 23:53

Better or worse? If he were ill and struggling to stay in employment yes. I don't think it applies to someone who just won't take responsibility and expects to tap his partner for money.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 05/06/2015 23:55

So I believe. My friend was at one of those back to work things for long term unemployed and one of the tutors or are they called advisors told them

ilovesooty · 05/06/2015 23:58

It's certainly possible for selected candidates to work up to management level but I work with customers of work programmes and I wouldn't set much store by what their advisers say.

lordStrange · 06/06/2015 00:12

He wants to go back to college which is ok in principle but expects me to pay for it!

Please don't give him your money! This is really important. It is perfectly possible to study and earn, especially since he is lucky not to pay rent.

He can follow his dreams...Hmm...just don't be his cash cow.

NoSquirrels · 06/06/2015 00:14

Do you want to have children, OP?

If you do, best to leave now. Re-establish your own life and find your own way as a single person, and I'm sure you'll be happier than if you try to stay and change him or wait for things to get better or encourage or support or. . .

At 37, if he hasn't got a career/work ethic already, and is used to things either going his way or excusing why they haven't instead of looking for solutions, you would struggle terribly to have a committed and equal partnership if there were dependent children to consider.

Good relationships can bend under the strain. Relationships where there are unrealistic expectations of adulthood are going to implode.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 06/06/2015 00:22

lighthouse rtft. The man child has a degree. It's the post grad stuff he's been shallying around with. And he's recently unemployed. This isn't some striver who has been trying against the odds to eek out a living. He's a perpetual taker.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 06/06/2015 00:26

Plus going by the OP's posts, any 'service' job is beneath him. Whilst many of us will do any job to keep body and soul together, some people sneer at paying work. He doesn't need to work hard to keep a roof over his head and so he won't.

BeaufortBelle · 06/06/2015 00:28

He can do whatever he likes really. Just so long as he pays to do it. Meanwhile, live your life, make it a success and do what you want, when you want and keep your money for yourself. You're 35. I'd love to be 35 again. You've your whole life ahead of you and need to start living it. Go on holiday on your own, have a ball, be indepent - let him sort himself out. If he does that, think about it but by then you will hopefully have met someone who deserves you.

Otherwise - just RUN FOR THE HILLS.

SolidGoldBrass · 06/06/2015 00:59

He just sounds like a failure. What did he get sacked for this time - bad time keeping, skiving, incompetence, or something worse such as abusing colleagues or stealing?
Usually men like this are 'artistic' in some way: they are writers, photographers, musicians etc. Sometimes they even have a moderate amount of talent, but they are usually lazy about it and/or really difficult to get along with.

Though I have to say I have a certain amount of sympathy for people who don't want to take on the sort of shitty, exploitative jobs that are around these days: zero-hours contracts, poor health and safety, being treated like shit etc. Being in waged employment isn't necessarily wonderful. Nor is it an automatic indicator of moral superiority: a lot of jobs are not just pointless but actually harmful to society.

Still: that doesn't mean you are obliged to support him financially. He could clean his house up and take in lodgers, for instance.

SurlyCue · 06/06/2015 01:05

I thought a partner ship was for better or worse.

Ehh no! A partnership is until one or both parties decides its over. You dont have to put up with any old shit just cause you liked them enough to date regularly!

GiddyOnZackHunt · 06/06/2015 01:16

Oh surly I missed that bit of twaddle. A marriage in church is for better or for worse excepting divorce but a relationship without DC really is transitory.

FishWithABicycle · 06/06/2015 05:11

OP would be a fool to make a "for better or for worse" vow with this sorry excuse for a grownup. It would be all worse.

FeijoaSundae · 06/06/2015 06:29

I thought a partner ship was for better or worse.

Oh goodness, please tell me you don't actually think this. Shock

No. No, it's not. Welcome to 2015. You can happily leave any old useless lump you want, at any old point. Even if you're married to them. Even if you have children, but especially if you don't.

NRomanoff · 06/06/2015 06:40

Tbh I don't see the issue. He doesn't want to work. You don't have kids together or live together. If this is a real issue for you, then you need to split. Because you are too different. Your relationship can't go forward. You can't ever live together if he can't hold down a job, because you will be left with the bills when it happened again. And you can't afford to do this nor do you want to.

This is just one of those times your realise that while your care about your boyfriend, the relationship isn't a good fit and ita not going to work.

Since you don't love with him, I don't see how you can tell him to do anything. He is an adult and makes his own decisions.

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 06/06/2015 06:48

What I'm worried about isn't the money really. Because I do know he'd give it back. What I'm worried about is him having no future, thinking all the time that qualifications are the answer, I've tried to explain that its recent experience he needs.

He didn't get sacked as such, it's more 'contract not being renewed.' But it's really stressful. It follows the same pattern - called into a meeting, he spends 2-5 weeks endlessly going on and on and on about it.

I mean, I do think he's in the wrong line of work so I wouldn't be anti him retraining but it has to be something specific not vague 'could lead to' stuff.

OP posts:
HagOtheNorth · 06/06/2015 06:59

Are you suffering from White Knight Syndrome? The need to rush in and save a loved one from a situation? Even if they could rescue themselves with a bit of effort and thought and a cold dose of reality.
It's tough having a relationship with someone who doesn't see the world in the same way as most people, someone whose priorities are very different and who will look at you in bewilderment when you say 'This bill needs paying now' or 'have you sorted out this' because he will see neither of those things as his area of responsibility.
It isn't fair, you are right. If he can't see that and understand it and do something to meet you half way in an adult relationhip, then I can't see you getting anything out of this but distress and heartbreak and a building resentment.

Hadron21 · 06/06/2015 07:03

Leave him. I've got a friend with the same type and frankly it's embarrassing. We all tske the piss behind her back but feel sorry for her. They have kids now and he is like an extra baby.
Leave now - find an equal and enjoy life.

londonrach · 06/06/2015 07:05

He needs to grow up still. Op as no children id really consider if you can live your live like this. He sounds very immature.

ollieplimsoles · 06/06/2015 07:14

Op you said he responds well to your criticisms and concerns, that's a start and i think you should talk to him.

I would be at my wits end by now and considering leaving him, I couldn't be with anyone who thought they were above hard work. I worked all through my as levels and my degree.

But it does sound like you are not willing to give up on him just yet. So you need to lay out these concerns and have a proper discussion about why he does this.

I hate to say it but I think this will only get worse as time goes on.