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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dp needs to get a job and it's not fair

280 replies

Summereveningscents · 05/06/2015 20:30

Dp lost his job last month.since then he's just whined about how he's stressed and upset and is going to appeal the decision.

Problem is there's hardly any money coming in. Just what I earn.

He wants to go back to college which is ok in principle but expects me to pay for it! He's 37 this year and he's only worked for 3 years.

AIBU to think he needs to grow up and get a job? And not rely on me as I'm working really hard and paying for everything and it's not fair.

OP posts:
BuildYourOwnSnowman · 05/06/2015 21:54

you will become his mother

he will rob you of the best years of your life

what will he say/do if you tell him you won't support him?

Fluffycloudland77 · 05/06/2015 21:56

Do not lend this man money. You worked hard for it.

You wont get it back.

Lweji · 05/06/2015 21:57

But he doesn't seem to care about much, does he?

Do you think he will ever care for you? Or take care of you if you need to?
Will he step up if you need financial support?

MidniteScribbler · 05/06/2015 21:57

Do NOT have children with this loser.

Please, contraception always, until you can dump his arse.

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 05/06/2015 22:00

Tbh I think the best years are long behind me!

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 05/06/2015 22:01

Imagine living with him, really you working, him not - expecting you to fund his lifestyle but not even pulling his weight in the household chores. - he doesn't do much now if the house is a pigsty. It would be like having a middle aged teenager. Then have dcs? Walk away. Or at least don't give him money/sort out his life for him.

RedandYellow24 · 05/06/2015 22:04

If you had made a firm
Commitment to each other ie getting married or moving in and he had a short say a years course in which after he had firm job offer that would be one thing.
The problem with lending himoney is that it's for next however long and could equal most of his living expenses. How much is he asking for? From the sounds of it in your relationship it should be him asking you how you feel about him not being able to find going out dates eyc and see how you would manage your relationship with never going out or you paying for everything.

If he is serious about this one last training he should sell the house buy a tiny bedsit or rent in order to fund himself.

expatinscotland · 05/06/2015 22:05

'Tbh I think the best years are long behind me!'

Trust me, things are a lot better when you stop carrying millstones round your neck. This person will sap the life out of you, and all your money.

Handing money to him is like pouring it down the drain.

Lweji · 05/06/2015 22:05

You can have a great life without that extra weight. Alone or with a proper man (person).

esiotrot2015 · 05/06/2015 22:06

How old are you op ?
Do you own your house ?
Do you both want marriage & kids ?

I

lottiesatitagain · 05/06/2015 22:09

He is 37 (approaching middle age) and has only worked for 3 years...he wouldn't even get an interview with me. So he goes back to college and re-enters the workforce at 40 with very little practical work experience? No chance. Why can't he study at night like most mature students?

He is not living in reality.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2015 22:13

"I do care about him"

He meets some innate needs in you doesn't he?. You want to help.

I would read up on co-dependency and see how much of those sorts of behaviours fit in with your own self.

He was never your project to fix or save.

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 05/06/2015 22:16

No, it's not that I want to help. It's just I obviously have a more rounded picture then on here, and I, not saying I don't appreciate the advice.

The thing is, he's bad at 'people skills' and that restricts him. Pretty sure he has undiagnosed aspergers or autism or something. Yet he's a nice person. Kind. Gave me £300 when I lost my job (I did pay it back.) Responds agreeably to criticism or when I lose patience.

He's just got an inflated idea of himself, he thinks something g will happen that will lead to something great. I'm 35 in August.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 05/06/2015 22:16

I cannot overstate how much I think you should dump him right now! Why do you think your best years are behind you? TBF, if you stay with this man, you're right - they certainly won't be ahead of you.

How old are you? In an ideal world, what would you like to achieve in your life?

Lweji · 05/06/2015 22:21

He's just got an inflated idea of himself,

That is a red flag by itself.

How do you reconcile the bad people skills and how great he is for you? Rose tinted glasses, perhaps?

BlinkAndMiss · 05/06/2015 22:24

OP you really need to take the advice given on this thread, I've been there and if it wasn't for the fact I was in my early 20s he would have taken the best years of my life. I funded and 'babysat' a man just like the one you describe for years, it became my responsibility to make sure he was happy, to provide funds and to generally do whatever I had to that made him able to do the things he wanted to do. He was the poorest, most educated and well travelled person I've ever known!

When I left him I had never travelled and I'd worked solidly through my uni course - he'd worked but only when I dropped him off and picked him back up again at all hours. I once failed an exam because he'd been working very early/late shifts and I was exhausted from doing all the ferrying about. If I didn't take him then he wouldn't go to work, I was worried he'd get sacked and that would damage his self esteem further and he wouldn't get another job. He was happy for this to be in my conscience. Up to this day he's travelled, learned languages and generally dossed about being a 'student'. Several student loans later and he was still qualified for nothing and I was in debt despite living with my parents and working as a teacher.

Some people think they are owed a living, some people cannot see how their choices limit the opportunities of other people, some people are too selfish to acknowledge that they are their own responsibility. I ended up very ill because he was so unhappy - to this day I cannot understand my emotional investment in this man or how this came about.

I met my DH and was amazed because he had a job and no expectation that I would fund him for anything. A decent person works and doesn't leech of other people. Get rid of him now, this will not end well for you.

Reekypear · 05/06/2015 22:27

Bloody hell sister, your spouting his script...lol

FlabulousChix · 05/06/2015 22:32

Tell him to live on his own and come back when he can xo tribute fifty fifty. Sounds like a cock lodging ponce. About time he paid some taxes

pressone · 05/06/2015 22:34

I decided I wanted to keep my brain alive , did two further A levels and then an OU degree, whilst working full time in a management level shift working job, running a house and raising two children (jointly with DH).

No reason at all why he can't study and work except that you are enabling him to do so.

Run for the hills - he's never going to take responsibility for himself unless he has to.

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 05/06/2015 22:36

Actually I'm not enabling him , I haven't given him a cent.

OP posts:
GiddyOnZackHunt · 05/06/2015 22:44

Maybe he does fit on something like ASD but there's no reason with a degree that he couldn't find some sort of work in the field he's interested in. It may just be that his people skills are bad because he thinks he's better than everyone else, doesn't listen and cannot work with others. That could be simple arrogance rather than ASD.
How long are you going to keep hoping he'll grow up?

Pumpkinpositive · 05/06/2015 22:46

Tbh I think the best years are long behind me!

Make sure the worst ones aren't in front of you!

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 05/06/2015 22:47

have you suggested he look at jobs where people skills aren't at the forefront? maybe he needs a really good careers adviser

if i were you i would consider what i want for my future and see if it is going to work with him.

FlabulousChix · 05/06/2015 22:48

He doesn't care about you he only gives a shit about himself. He clearly thinks it's acceptable to have a woman keep him on fresh air and give nothing back

ilovesooty · 05/06/2015 22:52

Sadly you're enabling him simply by continuing the relationship. I'm a qualified careers adviser working with really marginalised and challenging people and I think most of them are a sight more employable than he sounds.

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