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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dp needs to get a job and it's not fair

280 replies

Summereveningscents · 05/06/2015 20:30

Dp lost his job last month.since then he's just whined about how he's stressed and upset and is going to appeal the decision.

Problem is there's hardly any money coming in. Just what I earn.

He wants to go back to college which is ok in principle but expects me to pay for it! He's 37 this year and he's only worked for 3 years.

AIBU to think he needs to grow up and get a job? And not rely on me as I'm working really hard and paying for everything and it's not fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Summereveningscents · 06/06/2015 07:26

No I'm not suffering from white knight syndrome I'd actually like not to be in this position but I am.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 06/06/2015 07:47

You are - but you don't live together, have joint finances or have kids so you have a lot of options.

HagOtheNorth · 06/06/2015 07:52

'No I'm not suffering from white knight syndrome I'd actually like not to be in this position but I am.'

Grin OK, so keep your finances separate and make your own choices. If you choose to remain in this position, know that it's your decision.
Did I miss you saying how long you've been together?
At 37, he's not a fixer-upper who will change his lifestyle and attitude because you think he ought to.

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 06/06/2015 07:56

We've been together 15 years.

OP posts:
Wishful80smontage · 06/06/2015 08:04

What do you want OP? If you want a relationship where you're living together, setting up a home together, maybe marriage and children ? If so that's not going to happen with your partner I don't think he's anywhere near doing those things.
I'm sorry OP its hard after 15 years together but if you want any of the above please move on

Starlightbright1 · 06/06/2015 08:04

You have been together 15 years, he has no real plans to work when he doesn't need to , no children, don't live together....It does not sound like any sort of romance.

If you are working and supporting yourself may I suggest you go out and start again. Your statement about the best years of your life are behind you is a really sad one...You potentially have another 50 /60 years...Don't give up on your life because someone else is.

I am currently not interested in a career as I am raising my Ds on my own but I still have a job to support myself and him...

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 06/06/2015 08:09

Ok.

Dp doesn't and never has claimed benefits.

He's been studying, at one point seriously ill and so getting the new job in jan 2014 was a fresh start supposedly. Didn't work out. So he got a new job in November 2014 didn't work out either.

Chucking him because his jobs haven't worked out seems quite heartless and he's supported me at times. That's not to say I don't think some of his decisions are stupid as I do but he isn't a waster.

OP posts:
HagOtheNorth · 06/06/2015 08:09

Since you were 20 then, and a student?
Somewhat like me with my high-flying academic OH, although we've been together twice as long. Mine doesn't blag and he doesn't whine about the unfairness of life, but it took him a long time to get round to making money doing something he found less than interesting.
Just make sure that all your decisions are yours, actively made rather than because you think you ought to do something to help him out. Yes, he needs to make enough cash to keep himself and not rely on handouts, inheritances, grants or whatnot.
Ultimately, what do you want posters to tell you?

SanityClause · 06/06/2015 08:11

You know who he is,Summer. Are you happy with that? If you are, then stay with him.

But don't stay with him, hoping he'll magically morph into someone hardworking, with a fulfilling job that he loves. Because he won't.

Also, you say he will pay you back for funding his course. How? He would have to earn some money to do that, and he's never been very good at doing that, has he?

meandjulio · 06/06/2015 08:15

So the best thing you can do for him is to refuse to fund another course which is a REALLY poor idea, and just keep asking him what he is going to do, apart from a course which is not going to help him and which is too expensive for him to afford. In the end he is going to have to come up with a plan. I hope that will be signing on and/or a lodger - and tbh if he makes the rent cheap enough he could probably rent out the room whatever state it is in, though I would intervene to the point of sending someone round to check the gas boiler, if any - but I fear that he will end up taking a loan out secured on the house in order to do the course. It would be Ok to discourage that I guess.

Obviously he has another side or you wouldn't have been with him for 15 years, and he must have some kind of people skills to be with you? I wonder if in fact care work would suit him, if he is kind? Because there is always care work, you can sometimes get the training you need on the job, which let's face it is pretty rare in a lot of companies now. It's hard physical work so he needs to be fairly fit. He did an NHS course so he must have wanted to do clinical work at some point? There is sometimes care work 1:1 with not very many people which might suit him best.

If I'm honest you do sound more like his friend than his lover. you sound like a good friend too.

ilovesooty · 06/06/2015 08:24

I'm struggling to understand how you can have any respect for him. 15 years is a long time to spend with someone who has reached almost middle age with no sense of self, direction, achievement or work ethic.
Surely you can't envisage growing old with someone who can't get to grips with personal responsibility?

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 06/06/2015 08:24

What I'm worried about is him having no future, thinking all the time that qualifications are the answer, I've tried to explain that its recent experience he needs.

He is 37, he is intelligent, he has changed career before, yet he needs this "explaining" to him, repeatedly and he still doesn't get it?

I don't think so. He understands it. He just chooses to reject it. You disapprove of his choice. You are confusing understanding an opinion and agreeing with an opinion.

Stop trying to change his mind to match yours. He is not a child. You gave your opinion, he is 37, educated, intelligent, let the man make the choices he wants to make.

If he's a fun boyfriend, if he's funding his own lifestyle, if it isn't cramping your lifestyle, if you don't want anything more, then great. Otherwise run.

Do not give him money, move in or get pregnant

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 06/06/2015 08:27

Do you not respect people who don't earn sooty?

OP posts:
HagOtheNorth · 06/06/2015 08:29

We're not giving you the answers you want, OP.
What would you like us to say?

meandjulio · 06/06/2015 08:31

summer, sooty didn't say anything about earning. I would guess we've all got friends or family who don't earn but who have a huge work ethic and sense of responsibility.

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 06/06/2015 08:31

Hag, the problem is you only know a snapshot. I think you've said to me twice now I have a hero complex and I don't but you still keep saying it.

The problem is it's just turned into a character assassination on dp, some of the points are fair but a LOT aren't.

OP posts:
HagOtheNorth · 06/06/2015 08:35

What answers would you like?

HagOtheNorth · 06/06/2015 08:36

I think you'll find I asked the question once. I'm not repeatedly haranguing you.

ilovesooty · 06/06/2015 08:38

Summer I couldn't respect anyone who'd got to that age without a clear sense of who they are, what they want to be and how they're going to get there.
People do change their objectives and direction as they get older (in my case it was forced on me through ill health) but I'd have no respect for someone who'd reached that age with no objectives or firm plans. He seems to have no sense of reality or real direction and that would have me walking away. It's not really about earnings - it's wider than that. It's about being a functioning adult.

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 06/06/2015 08:41

He does have plans sooty. They aren't realistic and I see this but he doesn't. I really think he has ASD but that's not stopped people laying into him. He had no support growing up either as both his parents were dead by the time he was 23. So no one gave him any real advice or guidance. I can't stress strongly enough that this is circumstantial.

Hag actually you are haranguing me.

OP posts:
HagOtheNorth · 06/06/2015 08:43

Ok, I thought I was helping, as the partner of an academic with AS, but if not I'll leave the thread.

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 06/06/2015 08:44

Telling me I have a hero complex isn't helpful. Sarcastically saying what answer would you like isn't helpful. Saying those things isn't helpful at all hag but it has really upset me so cheers, thanks for that. You could have left the thread without being sarky

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 06/06/2015 08:45

I meant realistic plans Summer

I think 37 is too old not to have them. It wouldn't be something I could accept in a partner. If you can of course that is your choice. If you can live with that for the rest of your life and it doesn't impact on anyone else that's your choice too. I'm simply saying I'd have no respect for someone like that.

Starlightbright1 · 06/06/2015 08:51

To be honest Summer this is one of those threads where you keep going until someone says what you want..

In summary of the majority of posters on here AIBU to think he needs to grow up and get a job? no YANBU

pressone · 06/06/2015 08:52

Summer
Are you happy with your life right now, i.e. in a relationship where you don't live together, have no children and are being asked to fund a course and "pay for everything" in a way you consider to be unfair?

If so will you be happy to be in this position in 5, 10, 20 years time, post retirement?

If yes, fund him, if no, don't fund him.

These are your choices to make, you asked us "AIBU to think he needs to grow up and get a job? And not rely on me as I'm working really hard and paying for everything and it's not fair."

We all said no, you are not being unreasonable, he needs to grow up and get a job.

Don't argue the toss - either take that advise or don't take it.

It's up to you, but you will have to live with the choice you make.

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