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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dp needs to get a job and it's not fair

280 replies

Summereveningscents · 05/06/2015 20:30

Dp lost his job last month.since then he's just whined about how he's stressed and upset and is going to appeal the decision.

Problem is there's hardly any money coming in. Just what I earn.

He wants to go back to college which is ok in principle but expects me to pay for it! He's 37 this year and he's only worked for 3 years.

AIBU to think he needs to grow up and get a job? And not rely on me as I'm working really hard and paying for everything and it's not fair.

OP posts:
mileend2bermondsey · 05/06/2015 21:05

OP he's mugging you off mate.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 05/06/2015 21:06

can he get benefits if he has an asset?

I'm all for people retraining as they get older but in most cases they have given something a good go first. by 37 i would have expected him to have worked in some form (full or part time) for at least 10 years, if not 15.

He thinks he's above things - a 37 year old who has achieved zero in his life is above nothing. And he may have degrees but if he has never actually done anything with them they are worthless.

As for the NHS funded study - how long did he stick at that job? Please tell me a tax funded organisation isn't paying for study and not tying people in for a chunky period of time!

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 05/06/2015 21:07

How long have you been together?

Don't lend him money - tough love!!

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 05/06/2015 21:07

Don't think he's entitled to claim benefits.

He did work in the nhs role - he's struggled with it a lot though. That's why he's lost 2 jobs now

OP posts:
soggycrumbs · 05/06/2015 21:09

He sounds a bit like me tbh, I've just finished a second undergrad degree and planning to do an MSc next year. DH is happy to support me in this, even though it's more for personal interest than career development. I'm not embarrassed by it but I do feel lucky, as a lot of my fellow students would love to continue to a Master's but can't afford it. I'll admit that I don't like working much (your DP has more recent work experience than I have) but I look after the home/dc pretty well and that's my contribution.

In your situation you don't live together and he doesn't help out in the house so I don't think it's your responsibility, although you refer to him as a partner.

Corygal · 05/06/2015 21:10

He can get JSA and council tax relief and allsorts, unless he has too much cash. He should be applying for that before asking you for money, to be honest. If he can't get benefits, he doesn't need your money.

expatinscotland · 05/06/2015 21:10

He has one mo the salary from the job he just lost but after that wants to borrow money off me

Of course he does! He's above paid work, signing on (where he will be forced to seek work), or paying his own way in life.

Borrow, my arse. You will never see that money again. He wants you to fund his sitting on his arse some more.

This is who he is.

Don't you think you deserve an adult to have a relationship with?

expatinscotland · 05/06/2015 21:15

'Don't think he's entitled to claim benefits.'

Sure he can, as long as he has below £6000 in savings/cash.

And if he has then he needs to use his money to support himself until he gets a job, not mug off his girlfriend.

ilovesooty · 05/06/2015 21:17

He's just a childish drifter refusing to engage with responsibility then. Get rid.

SurlyCue · 05/06/2015 21:17

DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MONEY!

I am sorry for shouting but i feel so strongly about this and that you will relent and start supporting him.

Quite honestly as you dont live together i would dump him detach completey from his work/study situation. It is really not your concern, dont take it on as one. Its his problem. He has to sort it and worry about how he will support himself.

(But i'd dump him.)

PattiODoors · 05/06/2015 21:24

Oh dear. He ain't a keeper honey. Get rid.

FeijoaSundae · 05/06/2015 21:26

Oh goodness me. Honestly...

There is a whole life out there, waiting to be lived. This man is 37. He is never going to change. He's never ever going to change while he has enablers around him.

Cut him loose.

Move on. Be single. Maybe eventually find someone who's willing and able to stand on their own two feet. It's a very attractive trait.

You deserve much better than this

The5DayChicken · 05/06/2015 21:27

He's work shy OP. It's not lending him money if he's never going to work enough to pay it back. You'd simply be giving him money.

He will be entitled to benefits providing he doesn't have large savings. And if he does have the savings that are stopping him claiming benefits, he shouldn't be asking you for money.

To put this in perspective, I'm over a decade younger than your DP but have a decade's work experience under my belt because I worked while attending college after school. And I'm going slowly mad in my currently jobless state, though I've been out of employment less than a year and am working towards qualifications to get me back in work.

Your DP just doesn't like working.

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/06/2015 21:28

I'd drop him on his arse, in all honesty.

No matter how nice a bloke he is, he is also a total man child who will never change. You deserve better. You at least deserve to be in a relationship with a functioning adult!

Tiredemma · 05/06/2015 21:29

I'm afraid that I would find this a huge turn off. What exactly does he contribute to your relationship?

BabyMurloc · 05/06/2015 21:30

Perpetual students like this have to get to a point were they stop. At his age and with the number of courses he has gone he has already "retrained" 3 times before he's even worked. He needs to get a job. No more courses. He has been supported for long enough.

RedandYellow24 · 05/06/2015 21:33

Presumably his house has at least one extra bedroom (his parents) if not more. So for start he can get a lodger or two to pay his living expenses.
In all for training but if he'd already done 3 or 4 degrees unless he has the "perfect job" all set up that he needs a qualification for in a totally different skill department then I'm sorry but time to get a job. Any job!

maddening · 05/06/2015 21:34

Just say you are not prepared to support him - he can do what he likes on his own money.

TendonQueen · 05/06/2015 21:36

Just tell him you can't afford to lend him money and he'll have to fund his choice of lifestyle himself. Like you do.

maddening · 05/06/2015 21:36

Also - how old are you - what way do/ did you see this real on ship developing - were there plans to live together / marry/ dc? What do you want out of the relationship?

Lweji · 05/06/2015 21:38

Lost two jobs in 3 years?

And not made redundant or anything?

Above certain things? Yes, above making a living, it looks like.

I have a PhD and worked in retail after getting it between jobs. I didn't even need the money to survive, as I had savings. Nobody is above anything, FGS.

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 05/06/2015 21:41

Well the house is in quite a bad state of disrepair, don't think he could have a lodger in it.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/06/2015 21:47

'Well the house is in quite a bad state of disrepair, don't think he could have a lodger in it.'

Unsurprising, this person is incapable of being adult. He's a project. A lifelong, expensive one.

He is completely irresponsible.

Lweji · 05/06/2015 21:49

Walk away, Summer.

How do you see your life? You won't get a chance if you stick with him.

Original poster
Summereveningscents · 05/06/2015 21:50

I do care about him

OP posts:
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