Hellish upcoming dinner party: WWYD?

[Nettletheelf]

DH and I are invited to a dinner party tomorrow evening. The hostess is somebody we've known for a long time, although we don't see as much of her as we used to, and her new-ish partner.

Until today, we thought that it would be six for dinner: our friends, us and another couple DH and I know well and like.

We discovered today that another couple are invited. The female half is horrendous. Around five years ago, I got to know her slightly through a community activity (I won't say what it was for fear of outing myself). She'd taken umbrage at something I'd said to somebody else (which wasn't horrible: I'd asked the other person to do something they'd previously agreed to do, but hadn't done) and sent me a really spiteful e-mail full of insults and saying that she'd only asked me to be involved in the activity because she "felt sorry for me" and "thought I didn't have many friends".

I showed the e-mail to a couple of close friends and they couldn't believe the venom. (FYI I have lots of friends and I am very popular, but I don't think that logic or truth matter much to this person.)

I was really shocked and upset by it, so I've avoided this person ever since. As any sensible woman would. This person later had an affair with her then best friend's husband, so, you know, nice woman.

I don't think that I can sit at a table with this woman. I loathe her too much and her presence will spoil the evening. However, I think it would be rude to cancel on our hosts at such short notice.

What would you do? Also, any tips for coping strategies?

[HootyMcTooty]

Of course I'm joking, I wouldn't mention exbestfriend in front of her DH, that would be cruel, but I reckon you can definitely make her feel pretty small without sinking that low. Good luck!

[DoJo]

Is this going to be MN's first live-posted dinner party? Because I am 'working' tonight so will be refreshing every 8 seconds or so...!

[Nettletheelf]

I may resort to live posting when it happens tomorrow, if I need a break from being in the same room!

[IssyStark]

Have a great time!

[AmyElliotDunne]

Sounds like your H is the bigger problem. If you go, you need to have stern words with him about being supportive of you. That doesn't mean he needs to do or say anything antagonistic, but he does need to be on your side if the gloves come off!

[Mintyy]

This is all very amusing but its not really fair on the host is it? There will be a terrible atmosphere, maybe even an argument. Meanwhile, host will have no doubt put a lot of effort in. I would be really cross if I was hosting in those circumstances.

[AmyElliotDunne]

HellKitty Probably not 'no sex for six months' but something easier to remember.

I see you've already briefed him, but I like the idea of a code word!

[nicecomfymat]

Def go. Rise above, look fabulous,be the better person etc as others have said.

Why should you miss a lovely evening with your friends because she's there?

She'll probably see you and think shit and be on her best behaviour. If she's a twat you've got witnesses and your friend will probably drop her/not invite her next time.

Don't lie to your friend and miss out on a potentially nice evening because of a nasty twat.

But don't worry about it. She'll be diluted by 7 other people and will probably be nice as pie. And if not, go to the loo and post updates to this thread!

Place marked

[TheEponymousGrub]

Are you going to remind the host of the backstory? It seems only fair - it could be very embarrassing for her if it goes wrong.

[Justusemyname]

Good luck.

It wouldn't have been unfair to drop out. Your friend changed the occasion without any consultation with you, nor did she tell you herself so has
Lost any right to be pissed off with you if you cancelled.

Tell your dh not to be such a dick. Whether he likes her or not your feelings about her should come first.

[Notgrumpyjustquiet]

If this woman's behaviour is likely to cause her to embarrass herself and I was the OP, I would spend the time between now and the event cultivating a facial expression and mindset of serene gratitude for the generous invitation, keep filling up the woman's glass and blowing smoke up her arse from the minute I arrived (take an extra bottle to be on the safe side) and then, when she starts creating (about 3 or 4 large Riojas in I should expect) look genuinely puzzled, bit of raised eyebrows at the other attendees if they are within earshot and, like someone else said previously, 'I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that/ can't imagine what you mean for a second' plenty loud enough to draw the others' attention if any of it is directed at me. And then sit back and enjoy. After all, the OP can't be the only person this woman has ever been a cow to so she should have plenty else to bitch about before she gets to the OP, by which time the other guests will have the full measure of her.

Checks 'watch this thread' box Good luck OP!

[Floggingmolly]

Your unsupportive husband sounds as much of an issue as the Bitchy one.
I'd go in my own in those circumstances; but I wouldn't bloody go with him.

[Ohfourfoxache]

Good on you for going - I hope she finds the evening excruciatingly uncomfortable!

[Number3cometome]

Shamelessly place marking for updates (don't let me down OP, I'm 33 weeks pregnant and I need some excitement in my life!)

[Notgrumpyjustquiet]

One coping strategy which might be helpful, if others haven't already suggested it, is to have several ready made, benign, go-to topics of conversation in the front of your mind so if it does get awkward you can simply turn to another guest and change the subject. Stuff like how well some wallpaper you saw last weekend would look in your spare room or holiday plans or somebody's stupid driving earlier in the week or something.

[MrsTedCrilly]

You won't need to engage with her with so many other people there.. Just make sure you sit away from her!

[Jackie0]

Whatever you do , don't get even slightly tipsy. You need your wits about you .

[Nettletheelf]

Agreed. I have already turned down an invitation to the pub for tomorrow afternoon. I will need to be in training, not three ciders to the wind!

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Glad you're going!

I'm looking forward to hearing your updates , shove it right up this mare's arse.

[hackmum]

Does she know you're going? Just curious as to whether she feels the same way about meeting you again.

Curious about how it pans out. I do agree with everyone that you have to be the better person - pleasant, polite, good-humoured. If she's as awful as you say then she will make an idiot of herself.

[SuffolkNWhat]

When she arrived feign ignorance of her with a:
"Wendy...Wendy? No doesn't ring any bells...oh wait you're friends with [ex friend] oh how is she? I did like her so much, always such fun, such a wonderful, wonderful woman"

Then walk off and spit in her starter.

[Marylou2]

Fascinating thread. Shamelessly marking a place for an update.I hope you have a wonderful time and this ghastly female doesn't cause trouble for you or your hostess.

[Nettletheelf]

I am perversely looking forward to it now!

[Guiltypleasures001]

As are we a nettle here take her some and pour her a when you tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck.

[FunnyHowThingsWorkOut]

I have to deal with a much less serious version of this occasionally. I always go on a total charm offensive even though we both know we don't get on. And I always win by being much more interested in her than she is in me.

I play a sort of game to see how much she will talk about herself before she realises she hasn't asked me a single question. Then I always deflect and find neutral territory again before gradually getting her drawn into braying about herself again.