Hellish upcoming dinner party: WWYD?

[Nettletheelf]

DH and I are invited to a dinner party tomorrow evening. The hostess is somebody we've known for a long time, although we don't see as much of her as we used to, and her new-ish partner.

Until today, we thought that it would be six for dinner: our friends, us and another couple DH and I know well and like.

We discovered today that another couple are invited. The female half is horrendous. Around five years ago, I got to know her slightly through a community activity (I won't say what it was for fear of outing myself). She'd taken umbrage at something I'd said to somebody else (which wasn't horrible: I'd asked the other person to do something they'd previously agreed to do, but hadn't done) and sent me a really spiteful e-mail full of insults and saying that she'd only asked me to be involved in the activity because she "felt sorry for me" and "thought I didn't have many friends".

I showed the e-mail to a couple of close friends and they couldn't believe the venom. (FYI I have lots of friends and I am very popular, but I don't think that logic or truth matter much to this person.)

I was really shocked and upset by it, so I've avoided this person ever since. As any sensible woman would. This person later had an affair with her then best friend's husband, so, you know, nice woman.

I don't think that I can sit at a table with this woman. I loathe her too much and her presence will spoil the evening. However, I think it would be rude to cancel on our hosts at such short notice.

What would you do? Also, any tips for coping strategies?

[OTheHugeManatee]

Go. If she obviousy behaves badly, she will look like an idiot. You, meanwhile, will look gracious, poised and socially at ease. If she says anything rude just smile benignly and ask her loudly to repeat herself. If you like, you can then look blank and say 'I'm sorry, I don't understand.' and make her explain herself further. Keep going until she's embarrassed herself in front of everyone, and then change the subject in a cheery voice. And you can always nip to the loo to post updates on MN about her awfulness, if she's awful

[Tangerineandturquoise]

I get why you wouldn't go-and until the affair comment in your OP I thought I wonder if that is someone I used to know... And actually until recently I would have done and have done what you want to do which is duck out of the evening.

But what I have come to learn is, if you want to make her evening smug and gloaty chicken out- but if you want to make her uncomfortable and squirming go have fun enjoy it- but do ask not to be seated with her, just say you are allergic to her or something.

I would lay aside the affair stuff-on the surface utterly reprehensible on both sides his and hers, underneath well we just don't know

[ConkerGame]

I don't think you have to go - yes, it's very annoying for hosts when people drop out at the last minute but it's also very annoying for guests when hosts change the plans at the last minute without checking first. You're clearly not good friends with the new nasty couple so the host should have checked with you first if it was ok that she added a new couple that you didn't know so well. It's rude not to imo.

And on the affair thing, yes you absolutely can judge that someone who has had an affair with their best friend's husband is not a nice person!!! (and no I have not been cheated on!). God help people who have such a poor moral compass that they don't know that!! However, whether they've had an affair or not would not affect your enjoyment of the evening. What would do, on the other hand, is that this woman has form for being directly unkind to you and you do not need the stress of worrying about the evening when you should have been looking forward to it.

As a pp suggested I would call the hostess, explain politely that this woman has been horrible to you in the past and you know you wouldn't enjoy any time in her company, but that you'd love to see the host and her husband another evening (so she knows you're not avoiding her).

[microferret]

Oh god I'd cancel, for sure. Better for everyone really, otherwise you might end up with an Eastenders-style showdown. Just explain the situation to the hostess and bow out. Watch one of those really awkward episodes of Come Dine With Me where two of the women hate each other if you want proof of how uncomfortable things can get...

[HellKitty]

You have to go!
...and report back...might be cheesy footballs not nik-naks

[CrapBag]

See I was going to say fuck that shit and cancel. But I really like some of these suggestions. Being fabulous, forgetting who she is, ASKING HOW HER FORMER BEST FRIEND IS!

So for the good of MN, go, do these things and tell us how you got on.

I get the affair thing. A former friend of mine had an affair with her relatives DH! She was my friend no longer after that. Despicable behaviour. And her DP at the time is lovely as well, her 'prize' of landing her relatives DH, not so much. He was just an arse.

[Theimpossiblegirl]

Yes, please go and be fabulous then come back and tell us all about it! Or you could post updates every time you nip to the loo...

[Tequilashotfor1]

I wouldn't go and havnt in situations like this.

If I can't stand some one I can't sit and socialise with them I don't trust myself

I wouldn't want to ruin the hosts night either with undeying tension

[Tequilashotfor1]

Also if she sees your DH is a weak link she will absolutly be chatting away to him to piss you off!

[HellKitty]

And have some polite insults backed up

What an unusual dress.
Yes, you have to be brave to wear your hair like that.
I find jewellery like that sooo aging, lucky you...

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Oh God yes, having read the line about your DH failing to back you up and probably making up to that woman, I'd definitely not go. I don't often have a real issue with people, but my first long-term BF had a dreadful habit of making up to them, it was dreadfully unsupportive!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Sorry, too many dreadfuls there.

[Nettletheelf]

I have briefed DH and set out expectations. I am going. I have the bit between my teeth now.

[AnnPerkins]

I wouldn't go. And I would diplomatically tell the hostess why. It would only end with me stewing over the whole business all over again. And if my DH did what you think yours might do I'd end up pissed off with him too. I can't see what's to be gained from any of that.

Having said all that, I am looking forward to hearing that you went, had a wonderful time and blew her out of the water with your fabulousness.

[HellKitty]

Give DH a code word if he's enjoying her company a little too much. Probably not 'no sex for six months' but something easier to remember.

[JessiePinkman]

Armed with the email in case anything got a bit nasty after a few drinks
sorry op but I'd love to be a fly on wall!

[JessiePinkman]

^^ hellkitty

[Nettletheelf]

I will report back.

[microferret]

Good luck Nettle! Rather you than me

[ApeMan]

I love it when you guys give advice on how to be passive-aggressive. It's bloody terrifying.

[Nettletheelf]

I suspect that she may not know that we are invited. Which is an advantage, right? If I'd seen her when we arrived, not having expected to see her, I don't think I could have kept the look of horror off my face.

[timelyreminder]

Glad you're not dropping out Nettle. Hope it's a good evening for you.

[CruCru]

Probably a good decision.

[HootyMcTooty]

Ooh I'm so glad you're going. When you greet her, massive over the top "hellooo darling, so good to see you . My what a lovely dress, a very brave choice! How is exbestfriend, I haven't seen her is AGES, I'd heard on the grapevine that she'd recently divorced, that was a surprise, what happened?".