Hellish upcoming dinner party: WWYD?

[Nettletheelf]

DH and I are invited to a dinner party tomorrow evening. The hostess is somebody we've known for a long time, although we don't see as much of her as we used to, and her new-ish partner.

Until today, we thought that it would be six for dinner: our friends, us and another couple DH and I know well and like.

We discovered today that another couple are invited. The female half is horrendous. Around five years ago, I got to know her slightly through a community activity (I won't say what it was for fear of outing myself). She'd taken umbrage at something I'd said to somebody else (which wasn't horrible: I'd asked the other person to do something they'd previously agreed to do, but hadn't done) and sent me a really spiteful e-mail full of insults and saying that she'd only asked me to be involved in the activity because she "felt sorry for me" and "thought I didn't have many friends".

I showed the e-mail to a couple of close friends and they couldn't believe the venom. (FYI I have lots of friends and I am very popular, but I don't think that logic or truth matter much to this person.)

I was really shocked and upset by it, so I've avoided this person ever since. As any sensible woman would. This person later had an affair with her then best friend's husband, so, you know, nice woman.

I don't think that I can sit at a table with this woman. I loathe her too much and her presence will spoil the evening. However, I think it would be rude to cancel on our hosts at such short notice.

What would you do? Also, any tips for coping strategies?

[ENormaSnob]

Go and drown the cow in the soup starter.

[HellKitty]

Oh god I'd go and be utterly fabulous all night. Any barbs from her then I would ask (loudly) what she had just said, so it's repeated for the others benefit. Any more and I'd casually say how sad it was that x and y had split up...(the one she had the affair with).

But I am a bitch.

[SmilingHappyBeaver]

Please don't drop out because of something that happened 5 years ago!! It's a complete pain for the host and IMO will make you look petty and ridiculous frankly.

Perhaps give the host a heads up so you're not sitting together, turn up looking fabulous, ask her to remind you who she is, telling her "she looks familiar?" (always a killer put down), and then ignore her where possible.

If it goes tits up, and everyone has a few drinks, you might even end up in a bitch fight which will provide entertainment of the highest order. I am speaking from experience here. This actually happened between 2 guests at a Dinner at my house, it was hilarious and I was told by several guests that night that it was the best dinner party they had ever been to (not a reference to my cooking ;-) ).

[Shakey1500]

I would go, to save the hostess being let down (asitwere) and as a pp said, dress fabulously and be ready, if necessary, to have some comebacks ready-

"I'm sorry? I have no idea what you're referring to."

And the MN favourite DYMTBSR?

[Shakey1500]

Oooh OR you could completely pretend you have never met/forgotten who she is?

"We've met before you say? How interesting. I have no recollection, do please forgive me"

[MrsRSharpe]

Oh yes, denying all knowledge of the event if it does come up is the best way to go. Be polite about it, but just smile and say you really don't know what she is talking about. Actually, you vaguely remember being involved in something like that a few years ago but trouble? No, you don't remember any trouble.

It really isn't fair to the hostess, especially over something all those years ago.

[squeaver]

You see, I don't think I could resist going, for the anecdote potential...

But, on balance, you probably should bow out politely, explaining exactly why.

[ItsTricky]

I wouldn't go. Be upfront to the hosts about your reason why. Life's too short to spend time with people you don't like - and to probably spend from now until then being fed up about it.

[ClearEyesFullHearts]

Don't go, and diplomatically tell your hostess why not.

I'd give hostess benefit of the doubt--she either didn't know the extent of the insults this woman dishes out or has forgotten. Either way, as a hostess, I would not like to have someone there who is prepared for battle. If her dinner party is ruined by the other woman, that's her problem.

If it were a big party, that would be different. But it's hard to contain 'atmosphere' with only eight at a table.

[HellKitty]

"I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about, oh, I do remember getting an absolutely bonkers email which we had such a laugh about...excuse me a second....MARGO! These scampii flavoured nik-naks are the absolute bollocks darling"

[RudeBarbandCustard]

I think your first step should be to talk to the hostess, tell her the situation (maybe she had forgotten). She might let you off.

Or she might beg you to come, in which case go knowing you'll have hostess' full support.

and then rise above it all and be fabulous! and update us here!

[BabyMurloc]

I'd go. Dress fabulously, be extra charming and witty. I'd mention it to the host beforehand and perhaps swing it so you're not sitting next to her. I'd also probably aim to arrive a bit early (if ok with the host!) so you're already there, confident and happily enjoying drinks and nibbles when she arrives. Be super friendly to everyone. I bet she's feeling more uncomfortable than you

^THIS

Why should you miss out on seeing other friends cos she's an idiot?

[MrsCampbellBlack]

I wouldn't go. I'd phone hostess and let her know the honest reason. I can imagine the atmosphere would be awful with just 8 of you and 2 of you not really talking.

I wouldn't waste money on a babysitter for an evening to go out for a stressful dinner.

[formerbabe]

I'd go...get all glammed up! I'd also be extra friendly and sweet to her! Really confuses people who have been horrid to you!

[CloserToFiftyThanTwenty]

You have to go - there is much potential for anecdotes for us if you do

[Shakey1500]

Hellkitty

[poorbuthappy]

I vote for HellKitty's plan. Including calling the host Margo and commenting on scampi flavoured nik-naks

[BoyScout]

Living well is the best revenge. Go and be fabulous.

If you don't go, she'll know you're still bothered by her.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I wouldn't be able to go. I have a real problem, call it immature if you like, but I can't physically talk to people who I dislike with the intensity you've described. So it would make it very awkward for all concerned as I wouldn't be able to converse at all with this woman.
Therefore I wouldn't go. But I wouldn't leave it until the absolute last minute, I'd phone her tonight and tell her that you can't go, even if it's just to say that you're coming down with something (if you can't face telling her the real reason) - but I'd try and explain a little of it if you can.

[Rosie29]

Go.....don't drink, say you are driving, encourage her to get pissed and her true colours will shine through! If she says anything nasty to you just say 'do you want to tell me something, I don't understand your point" all preferably with a head tilt.

[DarkHeart]

Tbh in the past I would have said go as you haven't done anything wrong but now I try to stay away from toxic people as much as possible so I would say you both have food poisoning, stay in with your pjs on and a bottle of wine

[Nettletheelf]

I am gravitating towards the 'go and look fabulous' strategy. I'm good value socially when I'm on form, much better than this woman.

My main worry is that my DH will hang on her every word or laugh too loudly at her jokes (if she makes any). He isn't very supportive in that way.

[Nettletheelf]

Also like the idea of saying, "and how is X?" (Recently divorced former best friend)