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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish these girls hadn't been invited on family holiday

176 replies

notaplasticgnome · 04/06/2015 16:25

I know I'm probably being unreasonable but our family and DSIL with her DH and DCs had agreed to go on holidays together this year. One of the main reasons is that our dds are both aged 13 and will be good company for each other as they're at an age where they're too old to enjoy doing the things the smaller children enjoy, but far too young to enjoy adult stuff. We're renting two houses and dd is staying in SIL's house and SIL's son is staying with us and our DS who is a similar age.

However SIL rang me this morning to say that her dd is now bringing her two best friends from school with her. I know she's perfectly entitled to if her parents are agreeable to it, but you know how cliqueish girls of that age can be, and I'm afraid dd will be pushed out a bit and feel like the interloper, even though it's her family holiday too. DD looked a bit crest fallen when I told her and I've been doing all the 'oh you'll have much more fun in a group' 'I bet you'll be delighted they came when you get to know them' stuff.

BUT AIBU to feel a bit put out and wish they hadn't bee invited? I know I probably am being, really, but not sure.

OP posts:
LoisEinhorn · 06/06/2015 18:55

Is there anyway the girls could all meet before hand?

BrowersBlues · 06/06/2015 20:13

OP your SIL must live in cloud cuckoo land if it never entered her head about upsetting the dynamics of the girls. You and your DH were right to be honest with her. I still can't believe that she thought it was a good idea to lob in another two 13 year old girls! I really hope your DD enjoys herself. Let us know how you get on.

balletnotlacrosse · 06/06/2015 22:25

It's not just the dd that this impacts on - although that is the main thing.

But OP and her DH are now going to have to holiday with two teenage girls they don't really know and presumably take them along in their car to various outings. SIL had no right to impose this on everyone. The whole point of a family holiday is that everyone knows each other and doesn't have to stand on ceremony or feel uncomfortable.
Two giggling, or bored looking, teenage girls that you're not familiar with could put a total dampener on it for everyone.

SugarOnTop · 06/06/2015 23:56

has anyone stopped to consider the cousins feelings in all this? i mean, she might be fed up with the status quo hence her inviting her friends, maybe she finds the op's dd too needy and suffocating?

talk about creating mountains out of molehills!

Italiangreyhound · 07/06/2015 00:17

notaplasticgnome I am so sorry this has happened and I would be pretty furious.

I hope you will get a chance for all the girls to meet before hand and see how they all get on. I really do not think that is too much to ask.

In your shoes I would almost certainly re-think the places where the kids stay, at leas to the point of saying that all the girls in once house and the two boys in the other would be a trial for the first night or two and if your dd was not happy with the other girls in the other house she would come back to your house.

I know not staying in the house might mean she doesn't get on with them at all in the long run but if she is unhappy I would say that is not good for her to have to stay in the other house and you may end up doing things as a family at times.

I must say once the girls had all met up if it became clear that your dd was not going to get along with them I would consider inviting a friend for her too, one of her own friends. Just an idea.

SugarOnTop I haven't read all the posts so I am not sure if I am reading your post wrong but to me I think a family holiday is a big deal and often expensive. And inviting new people along without consulting the others is not fair. So IMHO not a molehill at all. (I also not sure what makes you think anything negative about the OP's daughter).

Italiangreyhound · 07/06/2015 00:24

Oh sorry, just seen that her two best friends are not around.

Laquitar · 07/06/2015 00:47

Oh Gosh i am going to be the lonr voice again but i don't see the problem

Lots of pp have called your sil 'nasty' and other names. Can i just say that i used to do similar things but not due to being nasty. I was just very outgoing and 'the more the merrier' type. Could that be the case with your sil?

pluCaChange · 07/06/2015 08:28

For everyone saying that the cousin might have secret "issues" with the OP's DD, BIL/SIL still ought to have brought it up on the level of the grownups rather than some sort of underhand "rebalancing". If BIL/SIL had wanted to save their DN's feelings, they could have simply reverted to having all children with their own parents, so that DN got her "break" from her cousin.

That isn't what happened, so clearly it's just the case that SIL/BIL/DN felt entitled to make this extra invitation without considering their existing "guest" (OP's DD). I don't see why OP and DD should have just shut up and taken that without saying they were annoyed.

SoldierBear · 07/06/2015 09:35

The issue is that DD has met the girls and found one at least to be unpleasant to her.
For those that do not see the problem with altering a situation so that a child feels uncomfortable, well, that is the issue in a nutshell - not considering other people and their feelings and being insensitive/impervious to how your actions impact on others. Along with unilaterally altering an agreement and expecting everyone else just to accept it.

Italiangreyhound · 07/06/2015 13:22

notaplasticgnome hi, I tried last night to read the bits I had missed, but could not get onto them.

I would say please do get the girls together before the holiday and especially to see if this one friend has mellowed a bit. But first I would ask your dd what she wants to do.

Would a sleep over at your house give all four girls a chance to plan their trip, watch a movie and have fun. Afterwards your dd would have a much better idea of what the holiday would be like. Just an idea.

Bishopston · 07/06/2015 15:02

Not being unreasonable. I would feel put out by this.

2rebecca · 07/06/2015 17:35

I am surprised that anyone who has been a 13 year old girl would feel "the more the merrier" about teenage girls. It seems odd for the cousin to get to invite 2 friends with her mum not thinking that if this was a shared holiday she should ask her brother and sil whether the girls should bring a friend each

susanstryingterm · 08/06/2015 10:26

Just because 'the more the merrier' suits you Laquitar, doesn't mean in suits other people. It is really annoying when someone just takes a unilateral decision to impose a couple of strangers onto a group outing without consulting or considering the other people involved.

Friday99 · 08/06/2015 10:28

I've only read the OP and think its very far from fine to invite these other girls! I would NEVER do that as it is almost guaranteed SOMEONE is going to get left out.

Italiangreyhound · 20/09/2015 20:40

Hey OP how did it all go?

RubyGrace17 · 20/09/2015 21:18

I've been wondering how this turned out for OPs DD too :)

paddyclampitt · 20/09/2015 21:35

Me too - how did it turn out OP?

lushaliciousbob · 20/09/2015 22:24

Just read this whole thread and got excited for an update haha! Please come back op!

spoonfulofgoodness · 20/09/2015 22:41

YANBU. Could you speak to DSIL? Hopefully they all get on like a house on fire and it turns out well for your DD. I can why she's a bit down about it though.

laffymeal · 20/09/2015 22:43

This thread is 3 months old, the holiday is done and dusted.

spoonfulofgoodness · 20/09/2015 22:45

laffy hopefully we get an update then! Wink

laffymeal · 20/09/2015 23:30

It would be pretty cool to find out Grin

Burnet · 20/09/2015 23:40

Grr I was hoping the OP had updated!

Koalafications · 20/09/2015 23:45

Update please?

kungpopanda · 20/09/2015 23:51

DH thinks we should also mention, casually, that one of the friends seems to think DD is a bit babyish and we hope that won't be an issue re them all hanging around together. Hopefully that will prompt SIL to have a word with her DD (who's a nice girl, but 13 yr olds can give in easily to peer pressure) about not being cliquish or ganging up.

hahahahahah! Not a very good idea, OP. Tenage girls are sharks and you are actually dropping blood into the water if you do that. Your daughter is going to have a miserable holiday, I suspect, unless you pull out.