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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish these girls hadn't been invited on family holiday

176 replies

notaplasticgnome · 04/06/2015 16:25

I know I'm probably being unreasonable but our family and DSIL with her DH and DCs had agreed to go on holidays together this year. One of the main reasons is that our dds are both aged 13 and will be good company for each other as they're at an age where they're too old to enjoy doing the things the smaller children enjoy, but far too young to enjoy adult stuff. We're renting two houses and dd is staying in SIL's house and SIL's son is staying with us and our DS who is a similar age.

However SIL rang me this morning to say that her dd is now bringing her two best friends from school with her. I know she's perfectly entitled to if her parents are agreeable to it, but you know how cliqueish girls of that age can be, and I'm afraid dd will be pushed out a bit and feel like the interloper, even though it's her family holiday too. DD looked a bit crest fallen when I told her and I've been doing all the 'oh you'll have much more fun in a group' 'I bet you'll be delighted they came when you get to know them' stuff.

BUT AIBU to feel a bit put out and wish they hadn't bee invited? I know I probably am being, really, but not sure.

OP posts:
Chaletdays · 04/06/2015 17:07

I remember the same thing happening to me when I was a child. We were going on an extended family holiday and my cousin (with whom I was very friendly) suddenly invited a school friend along at the last minute, who I didn't really know and who was much more advanced and street wise than me, so I didn't feel at all comfortable around her. I was really upset and my mother was pretty pissed off on my behalf. In fact she dropped a heavy hint to my aunt that it wasn't really on, and apparently my aunt was none too happy and made comments to my cousin about 'that bloody Chaletdays is obviously kicking off'.

It all worked out in the end (and I still have a good relationship with aunt and cousin) but people need to think before they change the dynamics of a holiday, rather than just suit themselves.

Nabuma · 04/06/2015 17:07

I am Angry for you notaplastic, totally changes the dynamic as has been said. I would have a word with SIL and explain your fears. vulgar's idea is a good one, allow them to feel more comfortable around each other. Possible compromise with SIL and suggest that if there are any problems at meet ups ( explain to girls too) then girls are uninvited?

merrymouse · 04/06/2015 17:13

What does your daughter want to happen?

pluCaChange · 04/06/2015 18:02

Really rude of your SIL. Even if her DD "put her on the spot" by inviting the girls, she ought to have been pulled up on the behaviour, not enabled.

If it seems to be causing problems, you can send her DS home and bring DD back to stay with you.Then she'll have a whatever-year-old at a loose end, and in my experience, the younger they are, the more of a PITA they are when at a loose end!

Laladeepsouth · 04/06/2015 18:20

I sympathize with you too. You made your arrangements based on the idea of specific family dynamics. Hoping for you and your daughter that it turns out to be okay -- but, yes, I would be very put out about two "friends" being brought along on my family's holiday.

stayathomegardener · 04/06/2015 18:30

I would be very wary of telling you SIL that DD is worried or has had a previous snub from one of the other girls as this will be likely to be mentioned to her DD/friends and is really a green light for them to just tolerate or bond against your DD.

Alternatively it could be great.

I would say to SIL as dynamics have now changed DD will stay with you as may choose more family time... I would also be tempted to offload their DS as well so you genuinely can spend time as a family with the option to mix as suits.

I would be annoyed.

Atenco · 04/06/2015 18:30

Well, as it's a done deal, I think that four is a much better number than three. Three friends together nearly always ends up being two and one left out.

namechange0dq8 · 04/06/2015 18:39

Moral: using other people's children to look after yours assumes that they're happy with the arrangement. "One of the main reasons is that our dds are both aged 13 and will be good company for each other". Are they actually friends? If not, you wouldn't assume that two adults would be good company for each other just because they're both 37, would you?

It sounds like you're assuming that your 13 year old niece will look after your "not overly confident" daughter for you, and she'd rather be with her friends. Which is entirely reasonable.

if there's any sense she's being excluded or pushed out then we'll step in and just take DD out places ourselves

That sounds awfully like you were planning to leave a 13 year old cousin to look after your daughter.

ThisTimeIAmMagic · 04/06/2015 18:51

Name change the DS is staying with the Op - so she's not exactly palming her DD off on SIL.

OP - YANBU to be annoyed - she should have checked first. She was probably just trying to be kind.

petalunicorn · 04/06/2015 19:10

In this situation I would take have the kids in the houses with their own parents. It's putting your dd in a vulnerable position.

Viviennemary · 04/06/2015 19:12

This is an absolute cheek and I'd be furious. I wouldn't even considerate still going on the holiday especially as there's already been a bit of friction with your DD before the holidays even started. If the holiday can't be cancelled or changed the only way is for your DD to invite her own friend. And make sure it's the last holiday you book with your sil.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 04/06/2015 19:18

Your SIL is really rude to do this without checking with you first. I would be furious and YANBU. Can your DD bring her best friend too?

Chaletdays · 04/06/2015 19:24

Don't be ridiculous Namechange. It is quite common for families to get together on holidays based on the fact their children are of similar ages. There's no 'babysitting' involved, just providing companionship where siblings are not close enough in age to want to do the same things.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/06/2015 19:31

I think you should have a quite serious conversation with SIL about the situation with the objective of getting her to speak to her DD. She should emphasise that this needs to be an inclusive thing and the grown ups will not tolerate one of the girls (e.g. your DD) being left out or made fun of.

Chaletdays · 04/06/2015 19:36

I agree with Hearts. It needs to be made perfectly clear that the two friends are guests on a family holiday and any attempt to ruin the holiday for one member of the family or any 'going along' with that kind of behaviour by your niece will result in phone calls to the friends' parents and a swift trip to the train station.

CrispyFern · 04/06/2015 19:55

Yes I agree the best thing would be for your DD to think of a friend she'd like to invite, if at all possible.
Your SIL has been very thoughtless.

CrispyFern · 04/06/2015 20:28

And I'd move her back into your house too definitely.

CrispyFern · 04/06/2015 20:29

And send their DS back to them!
Basically I'd be detaching from the idea of it being any sort of joint holiday now.

MerryMarigold · 04/06/2015 20:29

Do they have a v large car?

Sconejamcream · 04/06/2015 20:32

Are you in a villa? If so, won't there be an impact on bedrooms, costs, trips out in car etc?

I would be pissed off.

paxtecum · 04/06/2015 20:35

You could always send nephew back to his parents, get your DD into your house and just have a family holiday, if it's not working out.

Spadequeen · 04/06/2015 20:36

I'd be pissed off too. I would have your dd back in your Vila now and your nephew can stay with his parents, that way you can keep a closer eye on things

Roseforarose · 04/06/2015 20:41

Yanbu at all. I can't understand why your sister felt the need to do this. The only consolation I can think of is, that there will be 4 girls which is far better than 3. It's not fair though and really thoughtless of your sister not to consider your dd. How would your sister have felt if you had gone and invited a friend along for your daughter.

namechange0dq8 · 04/06/2015 21:17

I can't understand why your sister felt the need to do this.

Perhaps she doesn't like the OP's daughter?

Nabuma · 04/06/2015 21:37

namechange , are you going out of your way to be abrasive and insensitive?! OP is clearly a bit upset by this and you're being very unhelpful!