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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish these girls hadn't been invited on family holiday

176 replies

notaplasticgnome · 04/06/2015 16:25

I know I'm probably being unreasonable but our family and DSIL with her DH and DCs had agreed to go on holidays together this year. One of the main reasons is that our dds are both aged 13 and will be good company for each other as they're at an age where they're too old to enjoy doing the things the smaller children enjoy, but far too young to enjoy adult stuff. We're renting two houses and dd is staying in SIL's house and SIL's son is staying with us and our DS who is a similar age.

However SIL rang me this morning to say that her dd is now bringing her two best friends from school with her. I know she's perfectly entitled to if her parents are agreeable to it, but you know how cliqueish girls of that age can be, and I'm afraid dd will be pushed out a bit and feel like the interloper, even though it's her family holiday too. DD looked a bit crest fallen when I told her and I've been doing all the 'oh you'll have much more fun in a group' 'I bet you'll be delighted they came when you get to know them' stuff.

BUT AIBU to feel a bit put out and wish they hadn't bee invited? I know I probably am being, really, but not sure.

OP posts:

AnyoneForTennis · 04/06/2015 16:28

It would be worse if she was bringing just one friend tho

LaurieFairyCake · 04/06/2015 16:28

You're not being silly - it might be crap for your Dd now.

Lovemylittlebear · 04/06/2015 16:31

Id have a word with your sister and say you were all excited about family time and you are worried that your daughter won't get to spend the quality time with your niece now. Surely she will understand and know what 13 year olds are like. Can't they invite them on another holiday when you guys aren't going? I don't agree with inviting extra guests unless run passed everyone first x

PattiODoors · 04/06/2015 16:32

I am gonna get a stamp that says "What Laurie said".

LaurieFairyCake · 04/06/2015 16:33

Funny

Mummyusername · 04/06/2015 16:34

I don't think Yabu at all. You're now in a totally different situation to what you signed up for. Probably nothing to be gained by saying anything. What a shame. Of course it does depend on whether you would have booked a holiday in this area and this sort of house if you were going by yourself.

vulgarwretch · 04/06/2015 16:35

You're not being unreasonable to be put out. It might make the holiday less fun for your dd. But equally it might not, maybe she will get on great with the other two girls and it will work out wonderfully.

There's nothing you can do now but make the best of it, so obviously you're doing the right thing by talking up the potential good points to your dd. Maybe you could suggest they all get together before the holiday so she can get to know them a bit first? Might make it easier.

TuttiFrutti · 04/06/2015 16:35

YANBU. This is crap behaviour by your DSIL as it totally changes the dynamics.

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/06/2015 16:36

I think she should have asked first, but dd and I went on holiday with my friend, her two dd's and her eldest dds friend and it was great, the four of them had a blast, it was agreed in advance though.
Similar ages too, 15, 14, 13, 12.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/06/2015 16:37

You would not be unreasonable, imo, to be miffed that DSIL didn't at least mention it to you first, but presented it as a done deal.

Is there any way your dd could take a friend with her too?

BertPuttocks · 04/06/2015 16:37

Will your dd still be staying with SIL or has that arrangement changed too?

YANBU.

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/06/2015 16:38

Four isn't a bad number either, is there anything you can arrange that has to be done in pairs so your dd gets a chance to bond with one of them that way?

Unexpected · 04/06/2015 16:39

Phone her up, tell her it's a great idea and that your DD will bring a friend too!

Original poster

notaplasticgnome · 04/06/2015 16:39

Thanks everyone and relieved to know I'm not just being petty. I know I'm stuck with the situation because the other girls have already been invited, so I'm just hoping that DD will be absorbed into the group and have a good time. DH has said that we'll just have to keep an eye out and if there's any sense she's being excluded or pushed out then we'll step in and just take DD out places ourselves

OP posts:

grumpyoldlady · 04/06/2015 16:41

Could she invite a friend or two of her own?

helenahandbag · 04/06/2015 16:41

This is shitty on your SIL's part, I'd be annoyed too. I also would have hated this when I was your DD's age, I am introverted and awkward and I hated when my friends invited people I didn't know over when I was their house for tea, etc.

I think you should tell your SIL that she has changed the whole dynamic and that your DD is upset and worried now. Then invite DD's friend too.

jusdepamplemousse · 04/06/2015 16:42

I think you're being a little unreasonable - sorry - unless there is some other information you've not given to suggest that your DD won't get on with the other girls.

Teenage girls can be awful to each other yes but that's just a general thing! Tbh I would be worried about the likelihood of two of them managing to stay friends the whole hol. And three is a disaster number. But four allows for a little gang and they can pair off too.

If there is some reason why your DD will def not cope with the arrangement and your SIL knew this then YANBU. But otherwise I would try to look on the bright side. Your DD is going to have to get used to meeting new people in life and making pals - good opportunity for practice?

Original poster

notaplasticgnome · 04/06/2015 16:42

Re dd bringing a friend; I thought of that but her best friend will be at a family wedding in Croatia and her other close school friend spends her holidays in Scotland with her mum's extended family, so neither of them will be available. She's not an overly confident girl, so I don't think she'd feel comfortable inviting a more casual friend along on holidays with us.

There's a tennis court near the house and DD is quite a keen player. I might check out if one of the other girls likes tennis and maybe that's something she could do as a twosome.

OP posts:

Corygal · 04/06/2015 16:46

YANBU, but it's probably too late to de-invite the two newbies. Can your DD invite a friend? I would try quite hard to get one along.

If not, keep pushing the sunny and optimistic view that groups can be fun.

Crass of your SIL, tho. It's the sort of insensitivity that really annoys me - big enough to potentially ruin someone's holiday ie really quite difficult behaviour, but not one of the acknowledged 'big' things like direct rudeness or a family row. I hope she's not like this all the time.

Serve SIL right if it all goes horribly wrong and she has crowds of hysterical fighting teens on her hands for HER holiday.

merrymouse · 04/06/2015 16:46

YANBU.

I think it would be a bit cheeky but not too bad to do this if you were all just planning a weekend away, but if it is your family holiday they should definitely have checked before extending the invitation.

Having said that, the other girls might be lovely and it might be the making of the holiday.

MerryMarigold · 04/06/2015 16:46

I think it was out of order that she did that without discussing it with you first. It would drive me bananas, but is the kind of thing my SIL would do (we have 2 similar aged daughters and I can just imagine this happening when they're 13). I think it's better than 1 friend coming as she may have been more left out, but I hope they can all get on really well.

If it were me I would be tempted but too scared to pull out of the holiday just in case it is a sign of things to come on the holiday. If you tend to get on well with SIL and this is just a thoughtless thing then maybe it is ok, but if she is generally not very nice and a bit spiteful then it's not going to be a nice holiday.

ItsTricky · 04/06/2015 16:54

YANBU. I'd be upset for my daughter too.

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/06/2015 16:55

Since it's a done deal, try to see the good in it, this might be better in that teenage girls in close proximity for a week will probably annoy each other, with four rather than two, hopefully they can pair off at times to prevent major fall out.

Original poster

notaplasticgnome · 04/06/2015 16:56

Part of DD's problem is that she's met one of the friends already at a birthday meal in DN's house. They were talking about Harry Styles and the friend made some dismissive comment re DD along the lines of 'oh she probably still fancies Noddy'.

That was last year and girls of that age can change or just say things thoughtlessly. But it's stuck with DD and isn't helping matters

OP posts:

Timetodrive · 04/06/2015 17:02

I would hate this, I would also be worried about the extra cost on meals and treats as my teenagers eat and drink much more than me. It just makes everything more awkward.

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