Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish these girls hadn't been invited on family holiday

176 replies

notaplasticgnome · 04/06/2015 16:25

I know I'm probably being unreasonable but our family and DSIL with her DH and DCs had agreed to go on holidays together this year. One of the main reasons is that our dds are both aged 13 and will be good company for each other as they're at an age where they're too old to enjoy doing the things the smaller children enjoy, but far too young to enjoy adult stuff. We're renting two houses and dd is staying in SIL's house and SIL's son is staying with us and our DS who is a similar age.

However SIL rang me this morning to say that her dd is now bringing her two best friends from school with her. I know she's perfectly entitled to if her parents are agreeable to it, but you know how cliqueish girls of that age can be, and I'm afraid dd will be pushed out a bit and feel like the interloper, even though it's her family holiday too. DD looked a bit crest fallen when I told her and I've been doing all the 'oh you'll have much more fun in a group' 'I bet you'll be delighted they came when you get to know them' stuff.

BUT AIBU to feel a bit put out and wish they hadn't bee invited? I know I probably am being, really, but not sure.

OP posts:
BrockAuLit · 04/06/2015 21:45

I might be missing something here but I think it's great to have a large group! As long as the cousin is made aware that she can't just skulk off with her friends and leave DD behind, and that she is to be sensitive of DD being an outsider, this is a great way of having DD learn to be a bit more confident, or outgoing. Aged 13, she should be greeting new experiences and people and friendships with open arms. I would be actively discouraging comfort zones.

SugarOnTop · 04/06/2015 21:47

i don't see why it has to be a big deal. plans change in life and we have to learn to be flexible, your dc might not like the sound of it now but at least it will be a new experience for her and she may even make new friends and have a have a great time. plus it's your sis who will be the one actually having to put up with the chaos of 4 teenage girls on holiday! Grin

TendonQueen · 04/06/2015 21:50

If the SIL did have any reservations about the OP's daughter, she could have not entered into this arrangement in the first place. Adding people in without checking is not the way to deal with it.

OP, I'd definitely tell your SIL you're not completely comfortable with this. Will your DD now have to share a room or share with someone she doesn't know? SIL presumably hasn't thought of this and while that could be lots of fun, it's not what she signed up for and it's her holiday too. I certainly wouldn't make any future holiday arrangements with them.

lunar1 · 04/06/2015 21:52

If your dd isn't happy then bring her back in with you and tell them they will have to keep their ds with them. It's your dd's holiday and she should be looking forward to it.

Sconejamcream · 04/06/2015 21:57

I would have your dd stay with you from the beginning. The dynamics will change with the other girls.

Roseforarose · 04/06/2015 21:59

Sorry i mean sister in law.

merrymouse · 04/06/2015 22:17

Aged 13, she should be greeting new experiences and people and friendships with open arms.

She might well be doing this in other ways but the OP and her family should be able to choose how they spend their family holiday.

It would be just as rude to suddenly invite some adult friends without checking.

CrapBag · 04/06/2015 23:00

I'd tell your SIL that your DD isn't comfortable sharing with girls she doesn't know and you would rather have her staying in your place, and send your nephew back to stay with his parents.

If I was your DD I'd be feeling exactly the same.

Shinyandnew1 · 04/06/2015 23:07

I'd tell your SIL that your DD isn't comfortable sharing with girls she doesn't know and you would rather have her staying in your place, and send your nephew back to stay with his parents.

This. And do it ASAP.

I'd be really cross with your sil actually.

naughtylist · 04/06/2015 23:21

I would see how it goes. It might be great fun for them all. I would just have a subtle word before the holiday to the mum saying that you think your dd is a bit worried she might be left out, that she looking forward to spending time with her cousin etc and that will put it in their heads to watch out for any potential problems.

blankgaze · 05/06/2015 00:02

Another vote for CrapBag and Shiny ^^

If it was just for a sleepover it would be an inconvenience for your dd and a bit bad mannered of your SIL but for a whole holiday that your dd had been looking forward to spending with her cousin, then to have this bombshell, it's not on.

Blu · 05/06/2015 00:11

Tell your SIL that you have invited your DS's 2 best friends to stay alongside your nephew.,,

MerryMarigold · 05/06/2015 08:26

I think it needs to be brought up ASAP whatever the ultimate decision. Ask dd if she would rather come back to yours. If she would then there needs to be done re jigging and SIL needs to accept it was her fault. I think your dd needs to see you pro active on it and defending her, not hoping it will go away. Xxx

Bonsoir · 05/06/2015 08:29

It is just not on for your DSIL and family to have taken a unilateral decision without consulting you and your family that disadvantages your family when you had all previously agreed to a different holiday scenario.

I would tell your DSIL that you and your family will be making other holiday arrangements.

MerryMarigold · 05/06/2015 08:30

actively discouraging comfort zones

Wow, I hope your dc are just like you, brockaulit. Otherwise that attitude can be very damaging.

spillyobeans · 05/06/2015 08:34

Yanbu to feel like this - i remember goinv on a family hol with aunt uncle and cousin and she brought a friend and i was totally left out but all parents insisted i hung around with them rather than did my own thing - even though it was clear they didnt want me there. Totally ruined my holiday!

However its an awkward one as you cant really say anything to sil and family without it coming across badly Confused. Could you try find a friend for your daughter to bring from her own friendship group?

DevaDiva · 05/06/2015 08:50

YANBU if I was going on holiday with another family I'd be pissed off if they suddenly added another 2 people without asking/telling me before inviting them, it's just not on.

However it could help your daughter grow in confidence and make new friendships. Is there room for her to come back in with you if it gets too much for her?

pluCaChange · 05/06/2015 09:20

this is a great way of having DD learn to be a bit more confident, or outgoing. Aged 13, she should be greeting new experiences and people and friendships with open arms. I would be actively discouraging comfort zones.

If that was the intention, it was a very high-handed and pretty presumptuous way of SIL to go about it.

Equally, for parent to accept this while trying to put a positive spin like this ^^ would be passive to the point of doormattish, and will only teach DD that she has to suck up whatever inconvenience people choose to dish out to her, to suit themselves, even family.

Lovepancakes · 05/06/2015 09:26

I've only read the first page but I'd say you were slightly worried as was there any possibility of your dd being left out by them. On the whole though I'd feel positive as a group of girls usually exciting and fun or certainly that's how my dd views anything!

MyballsareSandy · 05/06/2015 09:28

I wouldn't like it either, your SIL should have checked with you before inviting these girls.

However, how close are your DD and her cousin? Do you live near each other, do you see each other much? It may be that the cousin isn't happy with the arrangement, hence the friends. Are they very different?

We used to go on holiday with friends - similar aged children - presumed they'd all get on etc. My DDs found their DD very hard work and with such different interests and levels of maturity, it just didn't work at all.

We had to stop the holidays and it was all a bit awkward.

MythicalKings · 05/06/2015 09:32

Is it too late to back out and have a family holiday with just you?

LilyKiwi · 05/06/2015 09:36

This is really out of order, it puts your niece in a very powerful queen bee situation and sucks for your daughter! Could you let your dd invite a couple of friends and reverse on the child swapping agreement?

Hexenbiest · 05/06/2015 09:42

I think I'd be inclined to change the arrangements so your DD is in your rented house and the SIL DS is in the one they rented.

That way you can keep an eye on your DD and if she is being left out - and you don't end up playing babysitter to younger DC and your eldest being left out and unhappy but SIL telling you it's all fine.

The girls could still met up and do stuff together in the day - but it's not going to be 24/7 if it's not going well.

Not what was planned I know but maybe worth considering?

But No - I'd expect to be asked if it was okay to do this.

Susiesoop · 05/06/2015 09:43

It's happened I don't think YABU to be put out but now its happened it could work really well and in the grand scheme of things not worth a fall out. Good preparation for all sorts of events where you are thrown into mixing with people and being flexible! If the dynamic doesn't 'work' then your dd can come back into your house and your sil will prob be mortified she has set up a crap situation. Either way sil gets the pleasure of 4 teenage girlsGrin

namechange0dq8 · 05/06/2015 09:48

We used to go on holiday with friends - similar aged children - presumed they'd all get on etc. My DDs found their DD very hard work

That's precisely the point. You're thirteen. Your parents don't want to take you on holiday, so farm you out to your aunt, whose daughter you barely know. But on one of the occasions you have met your cousin introduced you to her friends and they've made it clear they don't like you. They're now coming on holiday.

Does your mother (a) move to protect you from this toxic situation and make it clear your interests come first or (b) try to convince you that it's for your own good and you should just suck it up? You're clearly in position (a). Some people on this thread appear to be advocating (b). I'm not clear where the OP stands, but the original premise struck me as basically "the kids will entertain themselves while we do adult stuff".