Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish these girls hadn't been invited on family holiday

176 replies

notaplasticgnome · 04/06/2015 16:25

I know I'm probably being unreasonable but our family and DSIL with her DH and DCs had agreed to go on holidays together this year. One of the main reasons is that our dds are both aged 13 and will be good company for each other as they're at an age where they're too old to enjoy doing the things the smaller children enjoy, but far too young to enjoy adult stuff. We're renting two houses and dd is staying in SIL's house and SIL's son is staying with us and our DS who is a similar age.

However SIL rang me this morning to say that her dd is now bringing her two best friends from school with her. I know she's perfectly entitled to if her parents are agreeable to it, but you know how cliqueish girls of that age can be, and I'm afraid dd will be pushed out a bit and feel like the interloper, even though it's her family holiday too. DD looked a bit crest fallen when I told her and I've been doing all the 'oh you'll have much more fun in a group' 'I bet you'll be delighted they came when you get to know them' stuff.

BUT AIBU to feel a bit put out and wish they hadn't bee invited? I know I probably am being, really, but not sure.

OP posts:
AgathaChristie01 · 05/06/2015 09:49

YANBU. Arrangements shouldn't have been changed without asking others involved. It may well work out fine, but, at a minimum, it should have been mentioned to you, before the others were invited. I would certainly consider changing the living arrangement. Ask your DD would she prefer to stay with you, rather than with the cousin and friends.

I think it would be my last holiday with this particular family.

Susiesoop · 05/06/2015 09:49

Ps I wouldn't separate your dd before letting them have chance to get along - throw them all together and let them get on with it! If it's not working you can claim family time and swap over, no big deal. In fact I would play this all down and be quite casual about it all outwardly (while inwardly keeping a eye out and aware)

annielouise · 05/06/2015 09:52

Sorry to say but I think the cousin has moaned about the arrangements and your SIL has invited the other two because of that. Horrible for your DD. Very rude of her and I'd be pissed off.

Personally I'd pull out and forfeit the money, making plans to go somewhere else as a family. Maybe when your SIL has realised she's got her DS to accommodate in the house now and will have to invite 2 of his friends so he isn't left alone and think it unfair she'll realise what's she's done - 6 kids to look after on her own. karma Smile

annielouise · 05/06/2015 09:54

I meant to say it's a bit drastic but that's me - i'm not dancing to anyone else's tune unless they consult me first and I ok it. She didn't so in that situation I then make changes of my own to suit me.

Susiesoop · 05/06/2015 09:55

Woah a lot of jumping to conclusions namechange. The SIL has been U but its far (from what the OP has described) a 'toxic' situation and I am not sure that based on one comment the girls don't like the dd. Think you have jumped to lots of conclusions with no facts there.

DoItTooJulia · 05/06/2015 09:55

Yy to all the pp saying that your dd needs to be in your rented house and their DS can go in with his parents.

I actually think this it thoughtless and a bit heartless, so YANBU!

Ledkr · 05/06/2015 09:56

Oh god, this would be my 13 yr old dds nightmare.
Your sil is bloody nasty doing that.
I'm not sure what to suggest but YANBU

MyballsareSandy · 05/06/2015 09:58

I don't get why people are saying that the OP 'doesn't want to take her kids on hols' or 'farming out her kids'. It doesn't read like that at all - it's just a group/family holidaying together and trying to do something that all the kids would enjoy - however, the SIL has now changed the arrnagements without consulting the rest of the group.

In my experience teens usually prefer holidaying with other families, rather than just their own - but you do need to pick your holiday companions very carefully. Cliquey groups of teen girls can be a nightmare, and I would be very wary of this, particularly after hearing that comment about Noddy. Sounds like your poor DD will have a shit time in her company Sad.

Younger kids, this would probably work very well, they are usually more open to making new friends and just click generally, but 13 is a funny self conscious awkward age for most girls.

SumThucker · 05/06/2015 09:58

YANBU, I wonder how SIL would have felt if you'd invited 2 of DD's friends? Bad form to not run it by you first.

pilates · 05/06/2015 10:09

YANBU

If I was in your shoes, I would be pissed off that SIL hadn't run it past me first.

13 yr olds can be really nasty and your holiday could be ruined by this.

How do your DD's get on? Why did she feel the need to invite friends when she has your DD for company?

On the other hand it could be great fun but are you prepared to take that risk?

namechange0dq8 · 05/06/2015 10:14

however, the SIL has now changed the arrnagements

Or, more accurately, the SIL's daughter has said she doesn't want to spend time with the OP's daughter and would rather have people she actually knows and likes around.

I thought the general idea was to raise assertive daughters who didn't sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of family harmony, so that as adults they wouldn't just "go along" with difficult relationships for the sake of a quiet life? Obviously not.

it's interesting that the OP is willing to have her son in her holiday home, but has farmed out her daughter. Family of four, and the daughter clearly comes fourth.

MyballsareSandy · 05/06/2015 10:18

Don't be so fecking ridiculous namechange. No-one is farming anyone out ffs - and what the hell do you mean about her DD coming fourth in the family?

If the arrangement had stood as it was, then it would make sense for the boys to be together in one place and the girls in another, like a big sleepover. What's the problem? Presumably the holiday homes aren't in separate counties .... they will all cross paths/do stuff together as well!

Legionofboom · 05/06/2015 10:24

I agree with annielouise that sadly I think your DN was not happy about spending her holiday with your DD and has persuaded her mum to let her invite two friends. And if this is case then I think your DD is not likely to be welcomed into the group easily.

I would tell SIL that given the new guests, you will spend the holiday with your own family rather than your DD staying with them and their DS staying with you.

Perhaps you can arrange to meet up during the holiday and if the girls all get on well then your DD can spend more time with them.

SavoyCabbage · 05/06/2015 10:25

I would definitely try and take one of your dd's friends along too. I know you said her two closest friends are away but i still think that taking someone else would diffuse the situation a bit.

namechange0dq8 · 05/06/2015 10:25

hen it would make sense for the boys to be together in one place and the girls in another, like a big sleepover.

Make sense to whom? Who got a say in the arrangements?

what the hell do you mean about her DD coming fourth in the family?

The rest of the family go on holiday together. Father and son get to spend time together. Daughter gets to spend it with her aunt instead.

juliascurr · 05/06/2015 10:34

yanbu
this is typical of people with confident easy-going dc
they have no idea of the problems they cause
we parents of shy etc dc are made to feel we're unreasonable

Tryharder · 05/06/2015 10:36

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing or make a scene or withdraw from the holiday as posters have suggested.

I would continue to do as you're already doing - big up the arrangement, encourage your DD to make new friends, tell her she'll have a great time etc etc.

I would keep a watchful eye on the situation upon arrival. If the girls are not getting on and/or your DD is being ganged-up on, simply remove her from the situation and tell your DSIL why.

Your DD may well have the time of her life.

pluCaChange · 05/06/2015 10:41

Of course, the biggest trouble is that even if DD is "protected" from bullying by staying with her own family, she will still be excluded by not being "on the big sleepover" so will be left out to a certain extent no matter what.

The other family really, really ought to have run this by you. Areyou able to talk about things, normally? Is there any reason why they might have thought it better to avoid confrontation (or have thought this acceptable)?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/06/2015 10:44

Namechange, you seem to have a massive bee in your bonnet in regards to the OP's DD.

You dont know the child and you acting like no one even likes her, even her own parents.

Its cruel.

helenahandbag · 05/06/2015 10:48

Namechange - why do you keep suggesting that people don't like the OP's DD? She's a 13 year old girl, stop being so nasty.

Original poster
notaplasticgnome · 05/06/2015 10:58

Thanks for all the replies. They've been really helpful.

To clarify, dd and her cousin get on well and often have sleepovers etc. However, they live in different parts of Dublin and go to different schools so they don't hang around with a common group of friends or even really know each other's school friends.

We've all gone on holidays together before (although not a main Summer holiday) and it's worked well. They've had no falling out and in fact went to the cinema together a couple of week ago (at my niece's suggestion) and had a great time. So it came a bit out of the blue when SIL announced that these two extra girls were coming along.

Having slept on it, I think I'll suggest to SIL that DD stays with us as 'you'll have enough teenage girls to cope with' and their DS can stay with his parents. DH thinks we should also mention, casually, that one of the friends seems to think DD is a bit babyish and we hope that won't be an issue re them all hanging around together. Hopefully that will prompt SIL to have a word with her DD (who's a nice girl, but 13 yr olds can give in easily to peer pressure) about not being cliquish or ganging up.

Beyond that, will just have to make the best of it I suppose. Definitely if either of her close friends were free I would invite them along, but unfortunately they're not.

OP posts:
pilates · 05/06/2015 11:00

Namechange, your assumptions are a little weird.

namechange0dq8 · 05/06/2015 11:01

You dont know the child and you acting like no one even likes her, even her own parents.

When I took my thirteen year old daughters on holiday, I spent time with them myself. It was one of the pleasures of holidays, and now they're older and off on their own I miss that; that one of them is joining up with us on holiday for a few days at her own expense this year says the feeling is at least to some extent mutual.

This poor girl is sent to her aunt because her parents would rather spend time with her brother. I'm being the precise opposite of cruel: I'm pointing out that farming your child out to your relatives for holiday relies on them being happy with it, which it would appear they aren't. There's a simply solution to this problem: the OP and her family go on holiday as a family, including their daughter. How hard was that?

namechange0dq8 · 05/06/2015 11:04

Having slept on it, I think I'll suggest to SIL that DD stays with us as 'you'll have enough teenage girls to cope with' and their DS can stay with his parents.

The perfect outcome.

pilates · 05/06/2015 11:05

Op, can you please clarify.

Are you all going on holiday together to the same place but just separate rooms?