To wish these girls hadn't been invited on family holiday

[notaplasticgnome]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable but our family and DSIL with her DH and DCs had agreed to go on holidays together this year. One of the main reasons is that our dds are both aged 13 and will be good company for each other as they're at an age where they're too old to enjoy doing the things the smaller children enjoy, but far too young to enjoy adult stuff. We're renting two houses and dd is staying in SIL's house and SIL's son is staying with us and our DS who is a similar age.

However SIL rang me this morning to say that her dd is now bringing her two best friends from school with her. I know she's perfectly entitled to if her parents are agreeable to it, but you know how cliqueish girls of that age can be, and I'm afraid dd will be pushed out a bit and feel like the interloper, even though it's her family holiday too. DD looked a bit crest fallen when I told her and I've been doing all the 'oh you'll have much more fun in a group' 'I bet you'll be delighted they came when you get to know them' stuff.

BUT AIBU to feel a bit put out and wish they hadn't bee invited? I know I probably am being, really, but not sure.

Wow I've used awkward a lot there.

I agree that I would encourage your DD to start off the holiday with the other girls, but I would plan an emergency face saving reason - perhaps your family is going off on an all day trip so she moves back to your house and just happens to stay there for the rest of the holiday? - for her to return to you if it isn't working out.

It's more likely than not that they will all have a great time together - but again the worse case scenario is your DD returns to her sympathetic family and you continue the holiday a little more distantly from your brother and SIL's party.

SIL rang her brother (dh) to ask was there an issue, how could she have known? DH said that given she hadn't run the new scenario past us we didn't have a chance to let her know.
Anyhow she will make it clear to her dd that any ganging up or sniggering along with nasty remarks will result in parents being rung and friends being sent home. Not really sure how that will work out, but at least SIL has realised that she has created a potential problem and her dd will be more alert to any unpleasant behaviour by her friends.

DD will stay in their house for a few nights and we will take it from there. Not ideal but best compromise under the circumstances.

Apologies if you've said this and I've missed it. How old are the boys-are they younger? Is SIL planning on having an easy holiday with 4 teen girls entertaining themselves, whilst you run around after two 7 year old boys?

The boys are 8 and 7. To be honest, when planning the holiday I was happy for either the girls or boys to stay with us as was SIL so we actually tossed a coin. Probably would have been better if it had landed on the girls for us as presumably this situation wouldn't have arisen

Well done dh! He said the right thing.

Would it be possible to get all the girls together before the holiday? Perhaps you could arrange to go to the cinema or something similar that is an easy environment for the girls to socialise.

A week is a long time for 13 year olds to hang out together. Especially if they are sharing a room.

Your sister in law was thoughtless but has now hopefully got the message and will now hopefully make herself responsible for ensuring that no cliquey, hurtful or spiteful behaviour takes place. The Noddy remark would definitely put me on red alert and I would be keeping a particular eye on that little madam and putting her in her place pretty damn quick if she tries any of that nonsense on your family holiday.

Sorry, too many 'hopefuls' there

I wouldn't have your DD back in with you unless it was going very badly. She needs to be in with them from the start or it will be harder for her to join the group. It's a pain that arrangements have changed but keep a positive spin on it and she could have a ball.

SIL rang her brother (dh) to ask was there an issue, how could she have known

Sounds like SIL needs to wake up and smell the coffee. How could she have known, hey, guess what, it can be a difficult stage, and who invites others on a 'family' holiday without running it past the others involved.

I hope it works out well, especially for DD, but I would be wary of booking with SIL, in future.

I agree with others that your DD should start the holiday with the other girls and if it goes wrong she can 'feel ill' and go back in with you. If she is with you from the start she will struggle more to fit in with the other girls.

I hope it goes well op. Really selfish and nasty of sil to do this.

Namechange - reported. You are just too weird and fucking spiteful to be real!

Well done for confronting your SIL OP . You were right, she shoudl have checked first

I have a thought about people sneering at you for " farming out your kids " .our main summer holiday is one of these activity ones, with lots of sports organised for our children . Inevitably we meet someone who sneers

"I go on holiday to spend Quality Time with my children "

It always turns out they are the kind of parent who neglects their child for thei job / hobby 50 weeks of the year then tried to make it up to them by being in their face for the two weeks holiday . The kids hate it of course- the normal habitat of a teenager is be with their freinds . Not having to deal with their mothers guilt issues on holiday .

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and your DDS fears about the two girls are unfounded, but if there is any tension between the girls make sure the SIL takes full responsibility. Fwiw I don't believe for one minute she can't be aware that bringing her daughters friends along might cause a bit of distress for your own DD. Acting all bewildered and saying stuff like "how could I have known" and "is there an issue?" doesn't ring true. Let her have the worry now of any problems amongst the girls. It's all of her making.

IME three teenage girls is a recipe for disaster as one tends to be excluded to a greater or lesser degree. Fine if the cousin is the less-favoured one, because then she and your DD can be together. Disastrous if it is the unpleasant girl!
I'd chat with DD about it. Does she still want the original sleeping arrangements, or does she want to stay in your house? If she's at all uneasy then I'd tell SIL that as she's changed the holiday arrangements you are making a further change. If there are things you want to do as group, then Great, if not then she is going to be stuck with three teen girls and her DS to entertain.
I would be unhappy to think of DD staying overnight with the chance of her feeling ostracised.

I don't think it is 3 teenage girls, is it? Isn't it four?

I agree with the player who says she doesn't believe your sil didn't think there would be implications. It's very thoughtless and changes the dynamics of the group.

I'd just keep your two children at your holiday house and let her have three teens and her DS. Tell her there's not an 'issue' -she's just completely changed the plans!

I was a pretty sociable teenager and went on several holidays like this as a child; all in one big house and the boys in one room and me and my similarly aged female cousin in another. We had a blast and I loved it. On the occasions that I was at hers and we saw some of her school friends-it was totally different. Whereas decision making had always been 50:50 about what we did/played/watched/ate/talked about, when there were more people- it tended to be the school friends that made the choices as there were more of them, and I just tagged along. Tbh it wasn't much fun and if it had been like that for my whole holiday, if have hated it.

Does sil have a history of being unaware of other people's feelings?

I bet you even resent what you've agreed to now, OP. Your SIL has put you in a very difficult position by her thoughtlessness.

What would worry me is that she may say she'll keep an eye out but these aren't four-year-olds who will shout, "I don't want to play with her!". These are 13-year-old girls who may make your DD feel excluded in a much more subtle way, such as saying "Oh, it's nothing" when giggling at a shared joke. Your SIL will have to be with them 24/7 to pick up on that sort of behaviour.

I wouldn't have agreed to giving it a go, but I admire your DD for doing so. I hope it works out for her and she has a lovely holiday.

I meant the cousin and her two pals make a group of three girls - from which one is going to be less-favoured than the others. Inviting these two girls does push OPs DD into "second place" to begin with, because the implication is that her company isn't enough for her cousin. From the start there is a group of three and DD. It's an uncomfortable dynamic.

If the less-favoured from the group of three turns out to be the cousin, then that's great for DD - they can pal around together. But if it is Mean Girl, then DD is going to have a miserable time.

Even if your SIL isn't monitoring things, if your DD is uncomfortable she can just come back to you. If she isn't having a good time she doesn't have to stoically put on a brave face.

I honestly can't see the problem you are already looking at this negatively when it could be the best holiday your dd ever had. When I was 13 I would have been mortified if my mom put this much thought into my social life it's not all going to be smooth saying but a learning curve she needs in order to gel with groups in the future. Growing up our holidays were always a free for all nobody asked if it was ok for an extra child or two to join in and I have some excellent memories. Sure sometimes there were kids I didn't get along with but I had to learn to deal with it

How is this going to work in practical terms? If you want to take the girls out you now need a car that will seat six unless your DH doesn't come. Is SIL married? Is she going to have a six seater car? Also if you want to go out together just your family now boy cousin is going to have to go out with three teen girls.

It really changes things. I'd be ticked.

I think most people wouldn't be amused if the parameters of their summer holiday were suddenly changed without consultation.

"You know we were going trekking in the Alps, well it's important to be sociable so we are going on a cruise instead"

"You know how we booked that mini break in Paris, well I invited Glinda from my yoga class and her new partner Dave because it's more fun in a group, and they wanted to ask her mum along too".

While your SIL seems to have been a bit thoughtless, I don't think she was trying to be!

Some people are very much 'the more the merrier'.

I'm glad it is all out in the open and hopefully you will all have a wonderful holiday together!

mommy the OP isn't putting effort into her DD's social life. She's putting effort into making sure a family holiday is an enjoyable experience for everyone.

Of course her DD will need to learn how to navigate the treacherous waters of teenage friendships. But on holiday you can't just walk away when things get difficult like you can at school or when out with friends. She's stuck with these people for a week and there's no escape.

Your own holidays may well have been a "free for all" which you're convinced everyone enjoyed. But you'll never know whether some of the participants secretly hated being shoved together for a week with people they didn't like.