Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish these girls hadn't been invited on family holiday

176 replies

notaplasticgnome · 04/06/2015 16:25

I know I'm probably being unreasonable but our family and DSIL with her DH and DCs had agreed to go on holidays together this year. One of the main reasons is that our dds are both aged 13 and will be good company for each other as they're at an age where they're too old to enjoy doing the things the smaller children enjoy, but far too young to enjoy adult stuff. We're renting two houses and dd is staying in SIL's house and SIL's son is staying with us and our DS who is a similar age.

However SIL rang me this morning to say that her dd is now bringing her two best friends from school with her. I know she's perfectly entitled to if her parents are agreeable to it, but you know how cliqueish girls of that age can be, and I'm afraid dd will be pushed out a bit and feel like the interloper, even though it's her family holiday too. DD looked a bit crest fallen when I told her and I've been doing all the 'oh you'll have much more fun in a group' 'I bet you'll be delighted they came when you get to know them' stuff.

BUT AIBU to feel a bit put out and wish they hadn't bee invited? I know I probably am being, really, but not sure.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/06/2015 11:06

Name change, you are being ridiculously presumptuous about the intent of the OP.

merrymouse · 05/06/2015 11:08

This poor girl is sent to her aunt because her parents would rather spend time with her brother.

No, the families were staying next door to each other and the cousins of similar age were staying in the same house because it would be more fun for them - you must be reading a different thread.

PrivatePike · 05/06/2015 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/06/2015 11:11

If it were my family. I knew we'd do the same thing, my niece would either stay with me or DD would stay with my Dsis. It doesnt mean me or Dsis dont want spend with our DD's, its because our DD's absolutely bloody adore each other and would have the time of their lives together.

Original poster
notaplasticgnome · 05/06/2015 11:16

pilates we're renting two houses a few yards from each other. So the idea was that dd would stay in SIL's house with her cousin, and SIL's son would stay with us and our son. Then we'd organise different outings, so one day we might take the girls to something teenagers would enjoy while SIL would take the boys to the playground or somesuch, and another day we'd take the boys to the beach and SIL would take the girls to the aqua centre. And, of course, some days we'd all join up for a picnic or a visit somewhere.
In the evenings they'd have the fun of sleeping over with their cousins.

OP posts:
LilyKiwi · 05/06/2015 11:16

I'm sure it will all work out fine and your daughter will probably be asking to join them, but at least that gives her options! What a shame her friends aren't free, I'd be tempted to say 'I wish we'd known in advance so I could have asked one of DD's friends along in reasonable time so things could be a bit more equal'....

SayThisOnlyOnce · 05/06/2015 11:16

I'd be livid with SIL. I don't care if its a done deal, they can fecking undo the deal and uninvite the extra girls.

IME holidays are too precious, rare and expensive to waste on situations like this.

Weebirdie · 05/06/2015 11:17

Namechanged I think if you posted under your usual name it would be obvious as to why you are taking this situation the way you are. You must have quite a backstory going on in your life.

Roseforarose · 05/06/2015 11:19

The perfect outcome.
The perfect outcome would be if the SIL hadn't invited her DDS two friends with not a thought for her nieces feelings. There was no need to invite them, I'm puzzled as to why she did.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/06/2015 11:24

Maybe the extra girls asked to go and Niece felt she couldnt say no. Although SIL should have said no.

Original poster
notaplasticgnome · 05/06/2015 11:26

One of the girls invited our niece and the other girl to a weekend away at her family's holiday home over Easter. I think that's where DN got the idea to invite them along. I would have preferred if SIL had explained that on this particular occasion it might make DD feel left out Sad

OP posts:
pilates · 05/06/2015 11:28

Notaplasticgnome, that's what I thought. It sounds fun, hope it all works out well for you.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 05/06/2015 11:45

Would you consider leaving it up in the air a bit, and say to SIL that you'll start the holiday with DD in your house until all the girls gel?

And what does your DD want to do? Stay with you or stay with the other girls?

I have a young 13 year old. I don't think my DD would want to stay with SIL if she was unsure that the other girls liked her...

My DD1's favourite cousin is younger than her, so she gets on great with her friends. But that cousin was very put out when my DD had another friend sleepover while she was here. I mistakenly thought they would all get on brilliantly. They did eventually, but it took some time.

CrapBag · 05/06/2015 11:56

The only issue with you saying she has enough to cope with with the teenagers, is she may insist that she doesn't and it's fine for your DD to stay with them as planned. Given she already thinks this is happening I can't see her agreeing to it being a problem. Then you either have to agree with her that it will be fine or come clean about it and the fact that you think it is an issue.

areyoutheregoditsmemargaret · 05/06/2015 12:16

Unbelievably thoughtless of your SIL. I would be straight with her and explain why this is really not on.

Original poster
notaplasticgnome · 05/06/2015 12:26

I've just got off the phone with SIL. I started off as intended 'too much for you with 4 teenagers' blah blah and she insisted that no, it would be more fun for them all to be together. So then I just came clean and said that, to be honest, it was a bit intimidating for dd to have to spend her entire holidays 24/7 with two girls she didn't know and who had already bonded as a group with DN.

SIL went into 'but, but they're all the same age. They'll have a great time...' etc etc so I told her about the Noddy comment and asked her how, honestly, she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and I had put her dd into a situation where her holiday would commence with her being the 'outsider' who had to find her way into an existing group and hope they would like her and not gang up on her.

She sounded a bit shocked and taken aback and said DN would never 'gang up' on DD. I said maybe not intentionally but think back to when she was a teenager and so on. She then said that well, she was sorry, she hadn't realised it would be an issue and she'd still like dd to stay in their house.

I just said I'd think about it a bit more. Hopefully she'll also think about it more as well and have a firm word with her dd about they dynamics.

OP posts:
holidaysarenice · 05/06/2015 12:27

I get more of the impression that your dn doesn't want to spend he whole holiday with dd, and has pushed for friends to come too.

I think it's understandable as I have a cousin my age, less confident, quieter, more into introverted stuff than I was. A few days together fine, but on holiday I would have wanted to be running about, making friends. Playing outside with my big brothers, getting messy, entering the competitions etc - all things she would have hated. So yes she would have taken the shine from my holiday just to give her a pal to hang about with. And I would have asked for my friends to come as well.

Alternatively my parents took my friends because they had taken me too.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 05/06/2015 12:45

Op, from my mistake, I learned that they don't even need to gang up on each other to make a child uncomfortable...

I think she made same mistake as I did, thinking they would all have a ball and not considering/understanding the resulting shift in dynamics. But my mistake involved only one night, where SIL applies to whole holiday.

pluCaChange · 05/06/2015 12:54

Well done for getting her to think. Not so well done to her, for finding that thinking so difficult! Confused

ApeMan · 05/06/2015 13:02

I would have all of the same feelings about this that you describe, OP...

HOWEVER, on balance I think it sounds like it will probably be a fabulous holiday and you should risk it, especially given that you are a few yards away and she can always come and sleep in your bed while dad gets the floor or whatever, if need be, and it can be coped with.

Usually with kids, they are more resilient and less fussed about stuff than we are - I would resolve to give the adventure a go, make sure you chat to your daughter each day and calmly come to the rescue if needed - and while your sister has been thoughtless there is no need to fall out with her over this.

merrymouse · 05/06/2015 13:06

Never mind how she would feel if your dd were inviting her friends.

Imagine if she had met your neighbours once at a BBQ last year, things had got a bit heated when the conversation turned to politics, and you suddenly announced that they would be joining you on your family holiday.

Would she have been reassured that it would all be lovely because you are all the same age?

merrymouse · 05/06/2015 13:09

Anyway, I agree that while your DD might be anxious, it is more likely that they will have a great time than that they will bully her, and that having explained the situation to your SIL, the ball is in her court. If there is unpleasantness the worst that will happen is that you end up having a family holiday that happens to be near your brother and SIL rather than 'with' them.

2rebecca · 05/06/2015 13:51

I would have told SIL in the phone call that you wish she'd discussed it first as it changes the friendship dynamics of the girls and that you would have ran it past her if you wanted to invite other people on holiday. I would ask your daughter where she wants to be and agree that you may just end up having a holiday near your inlaws rather than with them.

AyeAmarok · 05/06/2015 14:21

Your SIL was out of line not speaking to you about it, it totally changes the dynamic of the holiday.

However, I think your DD will be even more excluded if she stays with you and leaves the others having a ' fun sleepover', so maybe let her try it for the first few nights.

CrapBag · 05/06/2015 14:28

It sou d's like your SIL doesn't really get it.

What does your DD want to do? Does she want to try it out? If it doesn't work will it make it more awkward to all swap around halfway through? She has put you in such an awkward position.

Would you rather just say no to your DD staying there now? And is this going to create awkwardness between the 2 families?

Swipe left for the next trending thread