SIL 1 wants more inheritance money

[inheritanceissues]

Namechanged for this because of personal details etc

PILs have saved all their lives in order to give their 3 DCs (my DH and his older and younger sister) a good inheritance.

So a few years ago DH and I found out that we couldn't have children naturally and decided that we wanted to adopt but we were struggling with housing costs. So PILs asked us of we would like the inheritance early as we needed the money at that point so it would be better than waiting.

A year ago DHs younger sister (SIL2) was going through financial trouble after a divorce so PILs offered her share of the inheritance and she accepted.

DHs older sister (SIL1) decided that she wanted hers too because her siblings had gotten theirs early. She didn't really need the money her and her DH have a house and are well-off. PILs were reluctant but she persisted so they gave her the money.

They each had the same deal a third of the money PILs had saved and once it was gone there was no more money. If they managed to save anymore then they might have a bit when PILs die but it's unlikely as PIL are both retired now so aren't really able to save in the same way. They have savings for their grandchildren to be given when they die and the house they live in would also be split three ways for each of their DC.
They gave DH a very large sum of money and his sister's had the same amount.

So fast forward to last month and SIL1 goes to PILs and asks for more money and they say no sorry you have had your inheritance, we can borrow you a little bit but we can't afford to give you anything more. SIL1 was very angry about this and stormed out. PILs were very upset about it so told DH and SIL2 about it but asked them not to make fuss.

The next week SIL1 comes back again and apologizes for her behaviour says she was stressed with work and could PILs just forget it happened. They agree and everyone is happy.

Last week there was a big family party at the local hall for FILs birthday.
Halfway through SIL1 asks to speak to MIL outside. MIL comes back in a bit later in tears saying that SIL1 has told her that she wasn't her DCs inheritance from PILs as well and when MIL said no she told her that she would never see her grandchildren again. MIL was upset but didn't want us to say anything till the party was over.

Then SIL1 got drunk at the pub next door to the party venue and she starts saying that she needs money and PILs are being horrible to her. FIL got angry and asked her what on earth she has spent the original money on. She said fine she would go off and make a list. She left and we tried to brush it off as her being drunk.

The next day she came over to PILs house with her DH and 3 DCs while we were there with a list of what she had spent the money on saying that she had payed off a load of debts that we didn't know about. We were sympathetic but explained that there was just no money left. She started complaint and she went outside to talk to her DH whilst she was gone her older two DCs (18 and 20) told us that she was lying and they had all been told to lie as well or they would be thrown out.

SIL1 then returned and we asked her if she was being truthful, along conversation took place and, In the end her DH said no they weren't they were just trying to get more money and thought the story was a good idea as they thought that PILs were hiding money from them but it was becoming obvious to him that there was just no more money so he would rather come clean. He then wrote out a new list of what they had really spent it on including multiple holidays, New cars , New gadgets, spa days and various other luxury items.

SIL1 said that she was not going to apologise as she feels that she deserved more money than her siblings anyway and she wanted more money as there are things that she hadn't bought that she wishes she had and she wants more money to spent on her DCs education and she feels hard done by as she thought there would be more money to come.

She left saying she wouldn't forgive PILs for pretending that there was more money to come when there wasn't but PILs say that they never told her that there was more money.

So is SIL being unreasonable and what would you do now?

I think the point about distrust is true. But some people have utterly bizarre ideas about inheritance including my mil that make me .

And this is why I will not be saving all my life to hand an inheritance over to my DC. I will be saving to (health permitting) give me a bloody good retirement. Whatever is left they are welcome to, but not before. Let's hope your PIL don't need care before the designated time that you would have to pay it back.

Stonecircle, my point was that if she trusted her parents she wouldn't have taken it badly. I just can't imagine being annoyed that my parents have helped my siblings out when they needed it, especially as I knew they had some for me if I needed at some point. It may be that her parents had always subtly favoured the others over her and she sees this as yet another snub. Or she could just be a money grabbing twat who's willing to damage all her family relationships over some cash. Given how she went back and made up a load of lies to try and manipulate her parents into giving more, the second option seems more likely.

I'm pretty sure my parents help my brother out a lot, but I don't need it so why would I care. I had better start saving if every time I give one dd something I have to give to the other!

I think calling it inheritance is just bizarre. Lots of people get help from their parents with mortgage deposits etc, but I have never heard it described as inheritance!

But the parents showed the sister all the financial paperwork, their will etc so what grounds does she have to imagine a conspiracy? It really sounds pretty transparent to me.

stonecircle - but they didn't say she wouldn't get anything. They said she would, it was there for when she needed it, but if she had it and spent it before she needed it, then it would be gone. She made it clear she would rather have it and spend it on extras, so they gave it to her.

I can see why they wanted to hold on to the money and not give it to your sis in law straight away...they know her well don't they...because what did she do with it? She blew it all on crap and then wanted more! They obviously knew she would do that and she proved them right.

Why are people assuming that the OP had to ask for the pil t offer?
We were happily renting in an area where house prices were too high for us to buy, when my pil came and offered money for a deposit if we thought we could then buy. We hadn't asked nor even hinted, hadn't even thought it as a possibility, it came as a total surprise.
Just for them having a small amount of common sense and knowing roughly what the start up salary was for dh drew their own conclusions about the possibility of us buying. And as prices were running up steeply (in the 2 years we rented they went up 1/3) they could see we were getting further away rather than nearer.

They did the same with dh's siblings a couple of years down the line when they had situations. Again I don't think either asked. Pil watched and listened and offered.

BathtimeFunkster, sorry, but you wildly misrepresented what I said. 'I hope that when my parents die, they do so with not a penny in the bank, and years of lovely holidays, meals out, and wonderful experiences behind them. As in, I hope they spend the next 20 years (they are in their 60s) travelling and enjoying life

As in, I hope they spend the next 20 years (they are in their 60s) travelling and enjoying life

That's all very well.

But if they spend all their money on "enjoying life" in their 60s and 70s and they live for another 30 (or 40!!) years, both you and they will come to regret that they didn't save money to make life more "enjoyable" aka bearable when/if they become elderly and infirm.

Getting to your mid-90s and knowing that, despite your excellent retirement planning and your deceased husband's extremely generous pension, the money is starting to run out as your care needs increase is no picnic.

You really don't want your parents to die without a penny in the bank, because that will mean at least some time of anxiety and stress over money at a very vulnerable time.

Being really, really old is the Rainy Day.

It's really important not to blow all your money on holidays before you get to the point where you are now scrimping on adult nappies or providing decent elder care.

Bathtime, if they live for another 30 or 40 years (I can only hope), DP and I will look after them. They both have had bloody hard lives. Dad lost both his parents within the space of a year when he was a teenager, and despite being one of the most fiercely intelligent people I know, had to drop out of school to work and support his younger siblings. Mum's younger brother died in a tragic accident a few months before Mum and Dad got married.

Then, when my sisters and I were little, they scrimped and saved and put every spare penny they had into making sure that every Christmas was a magical one. So when they are elderly and infirm, DP and I will look after them. I know how difficult it is, having helped my Mum look after Granda when he was ill and dying. It was horrendous. I'll still do it for my folks though, and be proud to do so, given how very well they looked after my sisters and I.