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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL 1 wants more inheritance money

186 replies

inheritanceissues · 03/06/2015 21:05

Namechanged for this because of personal details etc

PILs have saved all their lives in order to give their 3 DCs (my DH and his older and younger sister) a good inheritance.

So a few years ago DH and I found out that we couldn't have children naturally and decided that we wanted to adopt but we were struggling with housing costs. So PILs asked us of we would like the inheritance early as we needed the money at that point so it would be better than waiting.

A year ago DHs younger sister (SIL2) was going through financial trouble after a divorce so PILs offered her share of the inheritance and she accepted.

DHs older sister (SIL1) decided that she wanted hers too because her siblings had gotten theirs early. She didn't really need the money her and her DH have a house and are well-off. PILs were reluctant but she persisted so they gave her the money.

They each had the same deal a third of the money PILs had saved and once it was gone there was no more money. If they managed to save anymore then they might have a bit when PILs die but it's unlikely as PIL are both retired now so aren't really able to save in the same way. They have savings for their grandchildren to be given when they die and the house they live in would also be split three ways for each of their DC.
They gave DH a very large sum of money and his sister's had the same amount.

So fast forward to last month and SIL1 goes to PILs and asks for more money and they say no sorry you have had your inheritance, we can borrow you a little bit but we can't afford to give you anything more. SIL1 was very angry about this and stormed out. PILs were very upset about it so told DH and SIL2 about it but asked them not to make fuss.

The next week SIL1 comes back again and apologizes for her behaviour says she was stressed with work and could PILs just forget it happened. They agree and everyone is happy.

Last week there was a big family party at the local hall for FILs birthday.
Halfway through SIL1 asks to speak to MIL outside. MIL comes back in a bit later in tears saying that SIL1 has told her that she wasn't her DCs inheritance from PILs as well and when MIL said no she told her that she would never see her grandchildren again. MIL was upset but didn't want us to say anything till the party was over.

Then SIL1 got drunk at the pub next door to the party venue and she starts saying that she needs money and PILs are being horrible to her. FIL got angry and asked her what on earth she has spent the original money on. She said fine she would go off and make a list. She left and we tried to brush it off as her being drunk.

The next day she came over to PILs house with her DH and 3 DCs while we were there with a list of what she had spent the money on saying that she had payed off a load of debts that we didn't know about. We were sympathetic but explained that there was just no money left. She started complaint and she went outside to talk to her DH whilst she was gone her older two DCs (18 and 20) told us that she was lying and they had all been told to lie as well or they would be thrown out.

SIL1 then returned and we asked her if she was being truthful, along conversation took place and, In the end her DH said no they weren't they were just trying to get more money and thought the story was a good idea as they thought that PILs were hiding money from them but it was becoming obvious to him that there was just no more money so he would rather come clean. He then wrote out a new list of what they had really spent it on including multiple holidays, New cars , New gadgets, spa days and various other luxury items.

SIL1 said that she was not going to apologise as she feels that she deserved more money than her siblings anyway and she wanted more money as there are things that she hadn't bought that she wishes she had and she wants more money to spent on her DCs education and she feels hard done by as she thought there would be more money to come.

She left saying she wouldn't forgive PILs for pretending that there was more money to come when there wasn't but PILs say that they never told her that there was more money.

So is SIL being unreasonable and what would you do now?

OP posts:

ButterflyUpSoHigh · 03/06/2015 21:56

You all sound like money grabbers. There's a lot more to family than the inheritance they leave.

fiveacres · 03/06/2015 21:58

It depends on the family.

My dad (possibly because of what happened to him!) was ALWAYS saying 'now when I die ...' Ironically, he never did get round to updating his will but it was straightforward - split down the middle for brother and I but I knew he wanted it to be slightly disproportionate in favour of my brother which was fine.

When he did die OMG it was such a shock! Completely out of the blue. But I did at least know who was getting what.

Aermingers · 03/06/2015 22:00

Yep. That's exactly what I mean. Me and my brother have had the same amount of money from my parents while they are alive.

We will receive exactly the same amount of money when they die. He is considerably wealthier than me and will remain so. But it's not his fault I spent my early 20s as a barmaid because my priorities were going out clubbing, drinking and shoving cocaine up my nose while he was beavering away at University or working hard at boring jobs and going to bed early and getting in on time so he got promoted when I was rolling in at half ten stinking of booze after 2 hours of sleep most Mondays.

Why should he get less money because I made shit choices while he worked hard? Wouldn't be fair.

DinosaursRoar · 03/06/2015 22:02

Aermingers point is a very valid one - your DH and his other sister just got huge sums handed over without having to ask for it. She was to wait until they died, assuming her share didn't end up being spent on care fees. She had to pester for her share when the other two just had the money freely offered. She's in a good position now, but was there a point when her DCs were younger when she struggled and could have needed it?

It could well be she thought she wasn't given the same as the others, that there should be more, that the other 2 got given larger sums because they 'needed it' and she got less as she wasn't seen as needing it - so faked "need" to see if she was right.

ninaaa · 03/06/2015 22:03

So if I understand correctly:

All three DCS (your DH, SIL1 and SIL2) have been given their savings inheritance, and I assume that all three were given the same amount of money. SIL1 wants more money.

Why does she feel she deserves more than her two siblings?

Original poster

inheritanceissues · 03/06/2015 22:03

All the inheritance money was protected so wouldn't be spent on care home fees. If PILs end up in a care home then the house was going to be sold in order to pay for care home fees.

No SIL1 has never struggled for money even when she had a younger family her DH is part of a family business and has always had a good job, they had their first home gifted to them by his family and she has never needed to work since she married. Though had she been struggling I am very sure PILs would have helped financially as they used to help with her with childcare when her DCs were younger.

I don't know about housing prices, we managed to get a decent payment on the mortgage for a good house at the time which was around 2011.
But the house they have currently is bigger than ours and SIL2s anyway so I don't think she would be jealous of us in that respect.

OP posts:

Aermingers · 03/06/2015 22:07

TBH I think the PILS behaviour had probably given her every reason to think there was a strong possibility they might lie to her about the rest of the inheritance in order to stiff her (and her children) in favour of her siblings.

They still might.

AldiQ7 · 03/06/2015 22:07

But she did get the money, and now she wants more

Even if its wrong that she had to pester while the other siblings were freely given it, surely she is being VFU for now asking for more?

Only1scoop · 03/06/2015 22:10

What a rancid being she is.

What a terrible parent

One of life's takers.

Vile ....I would go no contact personally.

Aermingers · 03/06/2015 22:11

So if the money was 'protected' and couldn't be spent why were they so reluctant to hand it over to her at the same time the siblings had theirs? Seems odd if it's just sitting there. And even if it is 'protected' there would be nothing to stop them spending it if they wished or simply leaving it to someone else.

I'm feeling increasingly sorry for this woman. I suspect she's probably been treated very unfairly for quite some time.

QuiteLikely5 · 03/06/2015 22:12

Wow. I don't think I'd speak to my daughter if she did this until she came grovelling to me.

I just can't believe some people!

fiveacres · 03/06/2015 22:13

I am inclined to agree with Aermingers.

Op and her husband want to adopt, start a family. PILs offer to hand over the inheritance.

The SIL started her family two decades ago. The PILs did not offer to help.

It's not fair, and there may be reasons for this, but it still isn't fair.

ninaaa · 03/06/2015 22:14

Aermingers, it doesn't sound like the parents planned to cut her out/ give her less than her siblings. They seem to have no reason to do so (except the fact she is behaving like a spoilt entitled brat), so I don't know why she would think that. They only gave the other two siblings money because there was an urgent need to have the money sooner rather than later.

Sometimes siblings have different needs and need money at different times.
My dd2 will be attending private secondary school, for which we will be paying ? of the school fees (she has a scholarship). We did not pay for ds and dd1 to attend private school, but they got into good grammars so they are also getting a good education, and dd2 has dyslexia so she is at a disadvantage.

pettywitchinlondon · 03/06/2015 22:15

This can't be real.

Not sure what will happen in my family, brother and sister have had a fortune off parents (both with being a student and house deposit) and I've had nothing. Dad says he will make it all fair in the end, have no idea how he will do this with inflation and everything. I guess I will get a lot less, oh well at least I'm self made and far more successful in riches than brother and sister.

Original poster

inheritanceissues · 03/06/2015 22:16

They were reluctant to hand it over to her because she didn't need it and they were worried she would spend it now and then need it in the future and there would be no money left.
PILs wouldn't have spent it on something else they just aren't like that, which is why the money was split equally between all three children.

OP posts:

StrawberryMojito · 03/06/2015 22:17

All the inheritance money was protected so wouldn't be spent on care home fees.. Is this possible?

I think she has behaved appallingly but I kind of agree with other posters who say she possibly thought she was being swindled out of inheritance, and whilst no one has a right and it is in bad taste, this is exactly the kind of thing that can create bad feeling between siblings and maybe should have been managed better.

Aermingers · 03/06/2015 22:18

I'm not sure she is being unreasonable. Seeing as she's had to lie and manipulate just to get the same treatment as her siblings while her parents are alive why should she expect she would be treated fairly in the will when they're dead?

She's not behaving very well, but if you constantly treat one child unfairly compared to their siblings can you really blame them when they're suspicious you're doing it again? The PILs have provoked this situation so they have to take some blame

I'm sure it would be very convenient for the OP if SIL had put up and shut up from the start, because it may very well have meant SILB was shafted and she would benefit from it.

Mintyy · 03/06/2015 22:19

Aermingers - am failing to see why your personal experience and your groovy cocaine snorting past is of any relevance here at all.

OP is asking (in a long-winded way, but she wanted to give the full back story) if her SIL is being unreasonable in throwing a strop and demanding money from her parents that they do not have and accusing them of hiding it from her (all after she has already been given a generous sum by them) and, on top of that, lying about why she needs the money. And getting her family to join in with the lie. Quite clearly she is bu.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 03/06/2015 22:21

She's repeatedly hounding her parents, lying to them, making her children lie by threatening them...all to get money from her parents that they don't have AFTER already being given a large chunk of money....and you're not sure she's being unreasonable?

You have GOT to be kidding!

StrawberryMojito · 03/06/2015 22:24

I think she is behaving dreadfully but this is one of those threads where I'm curious to hear the other side of things.

ninaaa · 03/06/2015 22:25

she's had to lie and manipulate just to get the same treatment as her siblings while her parents are alive why should she expect she would be treated fairly in the will when they're dead?

She didn't have to lie to get the same treatment as her siblings. OP says she "persisted" I interpreted this to mean she asked, they said no initially but she got them to change their mind and agree to give it to her early. No lying.

She only lied after she got the inheritance because she wanted more than her siblings as she feels that she deserved more money than her siblings anyway

Aermingers · 03/06/2015 22:28

InheritanceIssues they ARE like that. What you're basically saying is that unless they deemed her to be in sufficient need they would have withheld the money whilst telling her that she wasn't sufficiently deserving. They were punishing her because her and her husband have worked hard enough and been financially solvent enough to buy their own home.

It's all very well for you to sit and say how wonderful they are. People tend to think the best of people who have handed over large sums of money to them with no strings attached.

But no matter how nice they are to you they're treating her badly.

Could you imagine the situation she would have been in? The other two siblings have received their inheritance. She hadn't. If she'd left the situation like that your PILs could have dangled it over her head for the rest of their lives and forced her to dance attendance on them, taking on all the caring duties on threat of disinheritance whilst the other two siblings could just do as much as they wanted. And given that it sounds like she has probably had the rough end of the stick anyway out of the siblings I can see exactly why she would have been wary of that.

You are confusing treating you well with treating everybody well.

ImperialBlether · 03/06/2015 22:28

Tbh if I had two daughters and one couldn't conceive naturally and the other could, I would give her the money for IVF and would still divvy up the remainder 50:50. I wouldn't count IVF money as part of an inheritance.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 03/06/2015 22:29

I'd say that this isn't your problem - it's entirely for your DH and his parents and sisters to resolve (though I know you are caught up in the slipstream)

silverweed · 03/06/2015 22:29

It sounds as though the PiLs have treated sil a bit differently - from her pov she sees her dps dispensing largesse to the dcs they deem 'deserving'- and this has hurt, and sadly she has lost all sense of proportion about it all, she seems to have become overwhelmed by jealousy and outrage.

Sounds like she is in a real mes tbh and very distressing for her dcs i imagine? Maybe suggest to your dh to suggest to his dps they find a way to ask her what is really wrong - thouh on second thoughts, that might unleash a sh*tstorm...

Sad situation IMO

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