SIL 1 wants more inheritance money

[inheritanceissues]

Namechanged for this because of personal details etc

PILs have saved all their lives in order to give their 3 DCs (my DH and his older and younger sister) a good inheritance.

So a few years ago DH and I found out that we couldn't have children naturally and decided that we wanted to adopt but we were struggling with housing costs. So PILs asked us of we would like the inheritance early as we needed the money at that point so it would be better than waiting.

A year ago DHs younger sister (SIL2) was going through financial trouble after a divorce so PILs offered her share of the inheritance and she accepted.

DHs older sister (SIL1) decided that she wanted hers too because her siblings had gotten theirs early. She didn't really need the money her and her DH have a house and are well-off. PILs were reluctant but she persisted so they gave her the money.

They each had the same deal a third of the money PILs had saved and once it was gone there was no more money. If they managed to save anymore then they might have a bit when PILs die but it's unlikely as PIL are both retired now so aren't really able to save in the same way. They have savings for their grandchildren to be given when they die and the house they live in would also be split three ways for each of their DC.
They gave DH a very large sum of money and his sister's had the same amount.

So fast forward to last month and SIL1 goes to PILs and asks for more money and they say no sorry you have had your inheritance, we can borrow you a little bit but we can't afford to give you anything more. SIL1 was very angry about this and stormed out. PILs were very upset about it so told DH and SIL2 about it but asked them not to make fuss.

The next week SIL1 comes back again and apologizes for her behaviour says she was stressed with work and could PILs just forget it happened. They agree and everyone is happy.

Last week there was a big family party at the local hall for FILs birthday.
Halfway through SIL1 asks to speak to MIL outside. MIL comes back in a bit later in tears saying that SIL1 has told her that she wasn't her DCs inheritance from PILs as well and when MIL said no she told her that she would never see her grandchildren again. MIL was upset but didn't want us to say anything till the party was over.

Then SIL1 got drunk at the pub next door to the party venue and she starts saying that she needs money and PILs are being horrible to her. FIL got angry and asked her what on earth she has spent the original money on. She said fine she would go off and make a list. She left and we tried to brush it off as her being drunk.

The next day she came over to PILs house with her DH and 3 DCs while we were there with a list of what she had spent the money on saying that she had payed off a load of debts that we didn't know about. We were sympathetic but explained that there was just no money left. She started complaint and she went outside to talk to her DH whilst she was gone her older two DCs (18 and 20) told us that she was lying and they had all been told to lie as well or they would be thrown out.

SIL1 then returned and we asked her if she was being truthful, along conversation took place and, In the end her DH said no they weren't they were just trying to get more money and thought the story was a good idea as they thought that PILs were hiding money from them but it was becoming obvious to him that there was just no more money so he would rather come clean. He then wrote out a new list of what they had really spent it on including multiple holidays, New cars , New gadgets, spa days and various other luxury items.

SIL1 said that she was not going to apologise as she feels that she deserved more money than her siblings anyway and she wanted more money as there are things that she hadn't bought that she wishes she had and she wants more money to spent on her DCs education and she feels hard done by as she thought there would be more money to come.

She left saying she wouldn't forgive PILs for pretending that there was more money to come when there wasn't but PILs say that they never told her that there was more money.

So is SIL being unreasonable and what would you do now?

Bloody hell, since when has your parents money, that you may one day inherit, been something you have the right to demand they give you during their lifetimes?
SIL sounds unbalanced, tbh.

I understand the reasons why the sister asked for more. The PILs have created an atmosphere of suspicion and mistrust. Then they're surprised when SIL doesn't believe she intends to treat them in the same way when they already have a track record of not doing so? After all, it appears if she claims to have a problem it's questioned. It doesn't appear to have occurred to the PILs to question why the OP and her husband didn't bother to save up a deposit before they thought about having a family. And I don't see why a divorce is a reason for needing a lump sum off your parents. Help with a months rental deposit or removal fees maybe, but the vast majority of people manage to go through divorces without getting huge handouts.

These things don't happen in a vacuum. Yes the SIL has behaved badly, but if you treat people badly they tend to feel much less of a duty to behave well towards you.

I'm going to hide this thread now. As far as I can see there are more than enough reasons to think that the bad behaviour here is coming from more than one side. It's just becoming one of those nasty Mumsnet threads where a load of idiots pile in and encourage more and more vengeful behaviour because they're incapable of viewing anything from other than the narrow perspective of an OP who has a vested interest in keeping the better treatment her and her family get at the expense of the SIL.

None of you are coming out of this one very well. Except SILs poor kids, they sound nice.

It's just totally illogical, the idea that if one of your children makes a success of themselves then that has to be evened out by treating the other children better.

Not necessarily. I am around 15 years older than my brothers, and benefited from an easier job market and lower house prices. My mum panics about their future but knows I'm fine, so as things stand they'll inherit more.

Mingers, if you think that handing someone a third of your life savings, a large amount of money, is treating someone badly, you've got some messed up ideas of what that means.

I don't get how the OP's DH and the other SIL have acted badly, they had geniune reasons for needing help money wise so they were offered the inheritance early, it's not asthough they were begging.

The three of you have bled your parents dry. That one of you is more greedy than the others is immaterial. You all should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves and stop pointing the finger at the others. What a horrible business.

Yy no one is coming out well from this. You all went cap in hand to your parents and SIL was just the most obvious about her greed.

I don't think it is every right to demand money - it's just not.

However in my family - I was how my GP constantly gave money to one Uncle who constantly pleaded poverty and next minute was off on an expensive holiday or spending money again. In later years he demanded but I think it started as we are really worried about conversations.

I saw some of the letters my cousins wrote - never out and out begging - but full of such concerning details and worries about money that GP always ended up sending some money and next thing off on an expensive trip or in one case bought a house.

My GP never wised up or if they did never felt they could really say no of ignore indefinitely.

In later years I think GP decide to be fair and would promise my parent the same but at a later date - for no reasons given - which would never come.

Predictably they were around for any of the heavy lifting of old age and the will was fair and split things equally though didn't stop Uncle and family trying to demand more.

I see similar behaviour with my own siblings - they don't demand money - they express concern about debts and bills can't sleep etc and sometimes get help though my parents can and do say no or ignore or did in past when I was told about stuff like this - with other GC they provide free childcare and this seems to translate into paying for school meals and clubs as well.

I watched my other parent get bitter about the situation - so I go for a I'm grateful for whatever and I truly am though I try and not find out in and outs as it is isn't my business or money. Sometimes it does rankle though when I feel both in time and wealth my DC aren't the favoured ones as it hurts.

In this situation OP - I'd stay out. Tell SIL your not privy to IL financial situation and it not her's or your right to tell them what to do with their money. It's up to the IL to manage their relationship with their Daughter and the GC sound old enough to see them when they wish.

I reckon the PILs were reluctant to hand over the money to SIL1 because they knew she'd fritter it away and have nothing left at the end of the day. Which is exactly what she did. I think they were looking out for her best interests.

I'm just shocked to hear there's someone else like my sibling in this world. She, too, seems to be under the impression she is entitled to everything from my DM, and I'm allowed the 'rubbish' that's left. When my mum moved house a few years ago she demanded to take everything my mother couldn't take with her, and had a tantrum when I took something small my mother had promised me years ago (with my sister's consent at the time, and she bought the same thing for my sister then too, and it really wasn't something you'd want a pair of). In my sister's words: "I'd seen it so I thought it was mine".

I'm not bothered about money. I don't have any, but I don't expect an inheritance. I'd rather my mother spent it on herself. My sister is the complete opposite. Threw a tantrum because she decided a family friend was going to leave her money to the children of another friend of hers, and not my sister. In my opinion the friend (who has no children of herself) can leave it to whoever she wants.

I agree with what was said above. I think your PILs should change their will so SIL1's share goes directly to her children. But perhaps it could be protected until they are 30 or something, so she can't get her hands on it?

PILs asked us of we would like the inheritance early

DHs younger sister (SIL2) was going through financial trouble after a divorce so PILs offered her share of the inheritance and she accepted

I don't believe for a minute that the money was offered out of the blue.

Hexenbiest is very wise.Parents know if they have 'broken winged' children who may need more help,regardless of 'fair'.

The problem here is the very vulgar discussions of money and inheritances and horrible feelings of entitlement,not to mention bitterness passing on to a third generation!

So shameful..I would be weeping if this were our situation!

Parents know if they have 'broken winged' children who may need more help,regardless of 'fair'.

Normally they broke those wings themselves by playing favourites with their children.

mad

And anyway, I honestly don't believe any parent who genuinely loved all their children equally would give two children money and exclude one until some vague unguaranteed point in the future.

Aermingers, I massively disagree with this. My parents have done exactly this, with my agreement - my Dsis desperately needs money now and I really don't, so they've given it to her and adjusted their will accordingly - I'll get the same amount when they die. Why should I feel like they love me any less? My parents are scrupulously fair, loving and trustworthy people, so I don't see why I should feel put out they're giving me 'my' share further down the line instead of now.

Anyway, you might be able to argue that SIL has a right to feel annoyed about having to pester her parents instead of her third being offered to her (which I don't buy, but never mind) - but her behaviour after that has been absolutely appalling whichever way you argue it.

Weird thread!

Of course the SIL is being horrid, grabby and vile demanding further money.

Although I don't know why she had to detail to you and your DH where she'd spent the previous money, it's none of your business.

Ugh. Can you imagine your children weighing up your assets like this, assessing what you've got and when they can get it.

You all sound very grabby.

Parents know if they have 'broken winged' children who may need more help,regardless of 'fair'

That true - some people/children do need more help than others.

However not sure that applies with my relatives - I think they most were out for what they could get and felt entitled to it in some cases and could sing a bloody good poor little me tune when it suited.

It just it's not my money so I don't get a say - and if you spend time on the real or perceived injustice - and whether it's a broken winged DC or a entitlement can be matter of judgement and perception - it hurts you.

Frankly like OP SIL is finding - you can't really do anything but get bitter and have bad blood.

I don't think SIL has a right to any money at all - and her behaviour is appalling - she clearly feels entitled - and I've no idea why. The OP can really do nothing but make the situation worse - it's up to SIL and her IL to sort - it's their relationship.

Ugh. Can you imagine your children weighing up your assets like this, assessing what you've got and when they can get it

There is this too - it's plain nasty and very unappealing and I image if your the person with the assets unsettling and hurtful.

I had never heard anyone ever even talk about inheritance in my life until I moved to the UK, it seems to be an obsession for those who are least deserving. If your parents are able to provide something for your family then that is lovely, however any sort of pre-established expectations that then get aired amongst friends or family are quite distasteful.

Why on earth do parents have to give the same at the same time? My Mum helped my brother when he was a student, but I was working and comfortably off. Now I am a single parent, and my brother comfortably off, and she helps me. I've no idea how much she gave him, and don't care. I am grateful for her help, I didn't ask but accepted with gratitude when it was offered.

And must have asked indirectly - blimey, don't you just, y'know, talk with your parents? Share concerns as well as jokes? So I know Dad is worried about his treatment for his eyesight, and put a reminder on to give him a call the night before. He knows I'm thinking of buying a flat, and offers some money. If he's struggling financially in the future, and I can help him, of course I would. Why wouldn't parents know if their child was trying to fund IVF or in financial difficulty after a divorce? It would be rather weird that they wouldn't know, surely?

My parents have said it will all be balanced up in the end - that is entirely up to them, and also their view of 'balance' and 'fairness'. And any gifts they want to give (to whoever, not just my siblings) before then is entirely up to them.

And that is not because we are a bunch of fluffy bunnies - we've had some big disagreements over the years, but not about money. They gave me a good education, made sure I was healthy and looked after, now it is up to me to make what I can of it. And appreciate any extras that they choose to give.

I would be surprised at this thread, but there was such nastiness when my nan died and left the grand sum of £8,000 that some of her children are no longer talking to the others four years later. I'm so glad that I stand to inherit absolutely nothing!

I think it comes down to whether there is already an element of distrust between children and parents about how fair they are being. Which would probably be a long standing thing if so.

I'm one of three, and my parents have supported us all at various points. But the need was different at different times. I went to university after tuition fees came in, my siblings didn't. They helped my sister with a house deposit 6 or 7 years before they did with me (when I got married). Houses were much cheaper then. So what is fair? That they give us exactly the same even though the situation is very different? But then if they gave me more, would my sister be upset because they were favouring me?

I neither know nor care exactly what financial help they have given my siblings. My parents have shown all through our lives that they love each of us equally and will treat us in as fair a way as they can, and we leave it up to them how they decide what is 'fair'. We are just grateful for the help.

But if you don't have that trust it doesn't matter what the parents do, no doubt someone will find a reason why they are being badly treated.

Whatsthat - that's what most parents try to do - treat their children fairly. Some do it by scrupulously giving in equal amounts; others do it in the way you describe by hoping it all balances out in the end (that's what I do anyway). The difference here is that there doesn't seem to have been any attempt to balance things out. It has been based entirely on need. Perhaps if there were only 2 siblings it might be easier to stomach the less well off one getting extra help. But it must have a detrimental impact on family dynamics if mum and dad are happily doling money out to 2 siblings and saying to the third, 'oh you're ok you don't need anything'. I'm not saying she has behaved at all well, but it's little wonder given the way her parents have behaved and the encouragement of the idea of rightful 'inheritance' that she suspects a conspiracy.