SIL 1 wants more inheritance money

[inheritanceissues]

Namechanged for this because of personal details etc

PILs have saved all their lives in order to give their 3 DCs (my DH and his older and younger sister) a good inheritance.

So a few years ago DH and I found out that we couldn't have children naturally and decided that we wanted to adopt but we were struggling with housing costs. So PILs asked us of we would like the inheritance early as we needed the money at that point so it would be better than waiting.

A year ago DHs younger sister (SIL2) was going through financial trouble after a divorce so PILs offered her share of the inheritance and she accepted.

DHs older sister (SIL1) decided that she wanted hers too because her siblings had gotten theirs early. She didn't really need the money her and her DH have a house and are well-off. PILs were reluctant but she persisted so they gave her the money.

They each had the same deal a third of the money PILs had saved and once it was gone there was no more money. If they managed to save anymore then they might have a bit when PILs die but it's unlikely as PIL are both retired now so aren't really able to save in the same way. They have savings for their grandchildren to be given when they die and the house they live in would also be split three ways for each of their DC.
They gave DH a very large sum of money and his sister's had the same amount.

So fast forward to last month and SIL1 goes to PILs and asks for more money and they say no sorry you have had your inheritance, we can borrow you a little bit but we can't afford to give you anything more. SIL1 was very angry about this and stormed out. PILs were very upset about it so told DH and SIL2 about it but asked them not to make fuss.

The next week SIL1 comes back again and apologizes for her behaviour says she was stressed with work and could PILs just forget it happened. They agree and everyone is happy.

Last week there was a big family party at the local hall for FILs birthday.
Halfway through SIL1 asks to speak to MIL outside. MIL comes back in a bit later in tears saying that SIL1 has told her that she wasn't her DCs inheritance from PILs as well and when MIL said no she told her that she would never see her grandchildren again. MIL was upset but didn't want us to say anything till the party was over.

Then SIL1 got drunk at the pub next door to the party venue and she starts saying that she needs money and PILs are being horrible to her. FIL got angry and asked her what on earth she has spent the original money on. She said fine she would go off and make a list. She left and we tried to brush it off as her being drunk.

The next day she came over to PILs house with her DH and 3 DCs while we were there with a list of what she had spent the money on saying that she had payed off a load of debts that we didn't know about. We were sympathetic but explained that there was just no money left. She started complaint and she went outside to talk to her DH whilst she was gone her older two DCs (18 and 20) told us that she was lying and they had all been told to lie as well or they would be thrown out.

SIL1 then returned and we asked her if she was being truthful, along conversation took place and, In the end her DH said no they weren't they were just trying to get more money and thought the story was a good idea as they thought that PILs were hiding money from them but it was becoming obvious to him that there was just no more money so he would rather come clean. He then wrote out a new list of what they had really spent it on including multiple holidays, New cars , New gadgets, spa days and various other luxury items.

SIL1 said that she was not going to apologise as she feels that she deserved more money than her siblings anyway and she wanted more money as there are things that she hadn't bought that she wishes she had and she wants more money to spent on her DCs education and she feels hard done by as she thought there would be more money to come.

She left saying she wouldn't forgive PILs for pretending that there was more money to come when there wasn't but PILs say that they never told her that there was more money.

So is SIL being unreasonable and what would you do now?

Sil is awful

But then all this grabbing and asking for 'inheritance' money is horrid full stop. Some people have no scruples at all.

Ummmm, can I just point out. Checks for adoption are exhaustive and done by people who know and assess a lot more than a few people on a forum.

Anyway, the OPs ability to parent is really not relevant to this thread and I don't know why it's being brought up. Not nice.

SIL does indeed sound terrible. But unless she has developed an illness which might explain her behaviour, I cannot believe the situation is as clear cut as the OP suggests. I agree with others that the parents have handled the situation terribly. It's simply awful to talk about giving children their inheritance early. Nothing wrong with helping out a grown up child if they are in dire straits but to call it an inheritance is asking for trouble and encouraging greedy behaviour. I'm not condoning it but I can see why SIL might feel left out and that she is being punished for not getting into financial difficulties. If it has been eating away at her, I can also see why it all exploded in such an unpleasant way.

How is it possible to put cash away & it not be used for care fees if necessary??

First of all I do think that SIL acted terribly-was given money & then demanded more-good grief.

Now, lets not call this an inheritance, but say two kids were given a sum of money.

Why wouldn't you treat the third the same?

Just because you think that the third won't spend it how you want them to?

Fucking horrible.

I think when the parents paid out an amount to two kids, they should have paid a third equal amount out to the last sibling.

However the woman has gone about it in a rude way. Also demanding extra and blackmailing was wrong

How is it possible to put cash away & it not be used for care fees if necessary??

By establishing a trust and living long enough after it's established. My parents did this and so will we if we get grandchildren.

I should point out that my father had more than enough in savings plus pension to pay his nursing home fees and could have done for several more years.

I get the feeling there's a huge back story here that we're not being told

too many ifs and buts

it just sounds like this whole family relies on the parents wealth a bit too much and take it for granted sometimes and it causes huge fall outs

nina

The OP said at 22:16 last night that the parents refused to hand over the money because there would be 'none left when she needed it'. But if her family have planned well financially she may know it's extremely unlikely they would ever need it even if they split up.

And I think some people are missing the point. It's not just that she's spent it and she's asking for more randomly. The parents have created such an atmosphere of mistrust and suspicion that she thinks that there is money left but it's being hidden to give to the other children excluding her and her children. There was mention of how the rest of the money would go to the grandchildren and she may well have felt unless she acted now to get it they would lose out.

And quick read of King Lear gives a good example of the way two children can behave when they are given their inheritance early and feel released of their responsibility to their parents. It's a shame SIL didn't behave like Cordelia, but then Cordelia ends up dead with nothing.

I agree with another poster. I think somebody should sit her down and ask her the whole story and how she feels about how her parents have treated her overall rather than just in regards to this one incident. I agree that the shitstorm released as a result would probably be eye opening for a few people.

As pp have said to keep cash separate you just need to create a trust to hold the cash. It then distributes to the beneficiaries and and when stipulated. My grand parents did this for me and my cousins. £1 a week was out away for each of us from the day we were born until we were 21. It states we would recurve money a year and a day after we either got married or had a baby. (I only know this as I had a letter from their solicitor about 6 months after I got married telling me.). As far as I'm aware, none of the others know about it or know I recieved the money.

It's not a huge life changing sum. But it was lovely to have. And totally unexpected.

Why does inheritance always cause issues??

In this case I think sil was right to ask for the money when she did it does look as though she was being deliberately left out.

but then saying that, if pils money for their do was kept separate (in a trust for example) the trustees would have to honour their powers to preserve and enhance the fund. So in real terms, high interest savings account. Or high return fund - that's what we do with out clients. So sil may have been better off waiting a few months to gain higher interest.

Just sayin

If nobody's said this, your SIL is financially abusing her parents. Make this very clear to her, if it were me I would be calling the police and speaking to the PILs bank to watch out for unusual transactions.

A trust, of course!

If they have given a lot of money away, could that be seen as a deliberate action to avoid care home fees & it might have to be paid back?

None of it was in trusts though was in trusts though was it? If it had been in trusts it would have been stuck there, not in their gift to give away as they pleased. If the sister's money had been in a trust maybe she would have felt more confident she would actually get it rather than having to depend on a promise from parents who don't seem to be half as keen for her to get the same as her siblings?

Anyway it is very unusual to set up a trust just for one child and not the others unless that child is very young or has a disability.

So when the OP and her DH ask for money it's fine, but when the SIL does it, it's financial abuse? Hmm...

Aermingers, either you're the SIL or you've got a real problem with money. I'm truly stunned anyone could defend the SIL here.

No one with a good accountant pays care home fees - or inheritance tax.

If they have given a lot of money away, could that be seen as a deliberate action to avoid care home fees & it might have to be paid back?

That's the situation since a recentish change in the law. It used to be that you could give away £3,000 per person per year, I'm not sure what the sum or situation is now.

Aermingers, I didn't read it as OP/OP's DH asking for their inheritance. I read it that it was offered to them, as it was to the SIL who had financial difficulties after her divorce. I think (and obviously this is just my opinion) that exactly this outcome is why they didn't want SIL to have her inheritance, because they knew her, knew her personality and knew she'd never be happy and would become grabby. And what do you know .. she has ....

Have her inheritance early that should have said, not just 'have her inheritance'. I don't have any reason to believe they didn't intend her to have it eventually.

They were talking about deprivation of assets on MoneyBox the other day.
It's an interesting subject.

I think you can give away up to £3000 in a lump sum per year, or a regular unspecified amount as long as it doesn't impact on your own quality of life eg my parents give my brother regular amounts for his kids school fees, over £60k per year. I'm not entirely sure if this won't incur inheritance tax though I think the total amount is over the £325k threshold all ready. Apologies if that's not correct, this doesn't constitute financial advice.

I'm not the only person who thinks it. Plenty of other people have agreed that they have fomented the situation by treating their children unequally.

The OP is incredibly one sided. But then this is typical Mumsnet. Read the OP and just rush in to tell the OP how right they are without ever considering how it may feel from the perspecitve of the other people involved.

It's also typical Mumsnet to accuse anybody who doesn't think the OP is 100% right of being involved (I'm not). It's not my fault some of you lack the ability to look at a situation from any other perspective than that offered by the OP. Or the sense to realise OPs normally only present a version of events that reflects favourably on them.

Oh and the money was 'offered' to them. Well how would they have known it was needed? Obviously because these poor children just happened to disclose their financial problems to their wealthy parents in complete innocence. Hmmm again.

I'm stunned at them too, mingers. Stunned at the level of entitlement.

"My parents are giving my brother his inheritance early to fund IVF/adoption, I want mine too even though I want it for spa weekends and a new car. Then when I've spent it all I'm going to harass them and lie to them for more, which they don't have"

There is no way you can justify this. So they didn't offer hers up as easily as her brothers, so what? Their money to do what they like with. And it looks like they had the measure of her anyway, they didnt want to give it as she;d waste it, and she did. And then she tried to con her elderly parents out of more money.

I honestly despair if you think any of it is remotely acceptable. Morto for you.

Does anyone think that it was OK for SIL to ask for more money & get angry when told no?

I don't think so.

However, like her siblings, she asked for money.

Albeit that they did it indirectly!

The OP said at 22:16 last night that the parents refused to hand over the money because there would be 'none left when she needed it'. But if her family have planned well financially she may know it's extremely unlikely they would ever need it even if they split up.

aermingers I assume you are referring to:
They were reluctant to hand it over to her because she didn't need it and they were worried she would spend it now and then need it in the future and there would be no money left.

Well yes, if they gave her inheritance now, and she spent it now, of course there would be none left. She spent it.

So their point is, if they gave her the money now (which they did), and she spent it (which she did) rather than saved it, and then in five years time when something bad happens and she needed money, they wouldn't be able to help her, because they wouldn't have any more money to give her. The inheritance is gone (excluding the house, and the money reserved for grandchildren).

She then lied and pretended she needed money (she didn't) but even if she had been telling the truth, there was nothing more the parents could do to help her, as they had given away their money, and there wasn't any left to help her with.