SIL 1 wants more inheritance money

[inheritanceissues]

Namechanged for this because of personal details etc

PILs have saved all their lives in order to give their 3 DCs (my DH and his older and younger sister) a good inheritance.

So a few years ago DH and I found out that we couldn't have children naturally and decided that we wanted to adopt but we were struggling with housing costs. So PILs asked us of we would like the inheritance early as we needed the money at that point so it would be better than waiting.

A year ago DHs younger sister (SIL2) was going through financial trouble after a divorce so PILs offered her share of the inheritance and she accepted.

DHs older sister (SIL1) decided that she wanted hers too because her siblings had gotten theirs early. She didn't really need the money her and her DH have a house and are well-off. PILs were reluctant but she persisted so they gave her the money.

They each had the same deal a third of the money PILs had saved and once it was gone there was no more money. If they managed to save anymore then they might have a bit when PILs die but it's unlikely as PIL are both retired now so aren't really able to save in the same way. They have savings for their grandchildren to be given when they die and the house they live in would also be split three ways for each of their DC.
They gave DH a very large sum of money and his sister's had the same amount.

So fast forward to last month and SIL1 goes to PILs and asks for more money and they say no sorry you have had your inheritance, we can borrow you a little bit but we can't afford to give you anything more. SIL1 was very angry about this and stormed out. PILs were very upset about it so told DH and SIL2 about it but asked them not to make fuss.

The next week SIL1 comes back again and apologizes for her behaviour says she was stressed with work and could PILs just forget it happened. They agree and everyone is happy.

Last week there was a big family party at the local hall for FILs birthday.
Halfway through SIL1 asks to speak to MIL outside. MIL comes back in a bit later in tears saying that SIL1 has told her that she wasn't her DCs inheritance from PILs as well and when MIL said no she told her that she would never see her grandchildren again. MIL was upset but didn't want us to say anything till the party was over.

Then SIL1 got drunk at the pub next door to the party venue and she starts saying that she needs money and PILs are being horrible to her. FIL got angry and asked her what on earth she has spent the original money on. She said fine she would go off and make a list. She left and we tried to brush it off as her being drunk.

The next day she came over to PILs house with her DH and 3 DCs while we were there with a list of what she had spent the money on saying that she had payed off a load of debts that we didn't know about. We were sympathetic but explained that there was just no money left. She started complaint and she went outside to talk to her DH whilst she was gone her older two DCs (18 and 20) told us that she was lying and they had all been told to lie as well or they would be thrown out.

SIL1 then returned and we asked her if she was being truthful, along conversation took place and, In the end her DH said no they weren't they were just trying to get more money and thought the story was a good idea as they thought that PILs were hiding money from them but it was becoming obvious to him that there was just no more money so he would rather come clean. He then wrote out a new list of what they had really spent it on including multiple holidays, New cars , New gadgets, spa days and various other luxury items.

SIL1 said that she was not going to apologise as she feels that she deserved more money than her siblings anyway and she wanted more money as there are things that she hadn't bought that she wishes she had and she wants more money to spent on her DCs education and she feels hard done by as she thought there would be more money to come.

She left saying she wouldn't forgive PILs for pretending that there was more money to come when there wasn't but PILs say that they never told her that there was more money.

So is SIL being unreasonable and what would you do now?

Doesn't matter who got what when, you don't go demanding money from your parents as your 'share of the inheritance'. Disgusting behaviour from her, it's their money and their choice.

I have lost a parent and it makes me feel utterly sick to even think of the idea of 'inheritance' etc. making your parents miserable and unhappy about money when you're lucky enough to have them (unless they're stately homes thread types!) is just vile and grabby and selfish.

If she doesn't work and wants stuff she hasn't got, it's about time she got a job.

It sounds to me as if the PIL were totally right in not wanting to give the SIL her share of the money they had saved as she has clearly wasted it. Now she is asking for money that has been set aside for her own children (I assume in a trust fund) and on being denied is trying to use blackmail. Very nasty.

The PIL have it would appear been very transparent, showing their daughter bank statements, will etc so I really don't think that they are at fault here.

I think that all the OP and her dh can do is to try and stay out of any arguments and to try and support the PIL in what must be a really stressful and difficult time. If I was the PIL I woudl look to see how any money they might give her in their will could be protected for their grandchildren as it's likely that their daughter has some money management issues.

I wonder whether there is a gambling issue or something more problematic going on with the SIL (and possibly her dh) as her behaviour sounds very extreme.

The whole situation is a mess and I can't help feeling the PIL are responsible for it. I suspect the favouritism goes back much further than this particular incident.

King that's unnecessary.

Of course she's BU but you know that. It's fun being in the right, isn't it?

I can't stand grabbiness over inheritance. It can't always be fair in reality, my uncle inherited my grans house for example because he lived there and df had a nice house of his own. Families should look after those in need where they can. It's interesting because the second someone mentions fairness in relation to money from the government they are flamed.

So op yanbu and aermingers my opinon is that you are wrong.

So, OP and her DH were given their share early to assist with housing.
SIL2 got her share after financial impact of a divorce.
SIL1 got hers, frittered it away on luxury and non-essential items and now wants her parents to give her more of THEIR savings, lying about need and getting her DH and DC to do the same?
She sounds hideous. What kind of a person thinks they are entitled to their parents' money like that!
At least her family seem very unhappy about the situaion she's created.
Regardless of how, when or when the original money was doled out, she got her share and totally wasted it and to demand more is akin to blackmailing her parents.

No, SIL1 was equally in need (having debts), but had to go asking, proving, justifying to get her wad of inheritance.

No one comes out of this covered in roses, not the PIL., not any of the children who believe PILs have saved their whole lives in order to provide a good inheritance rather than have a comfortable retirement.

OP says BIL explained SIL1 had lied and the money was spent on holidays, luxury items etc.
It was a case of greed, not need.
she should have put the original money to her kids education if it was that important to her rather than treats and holidays.

KingTut that is a really horrible and personal attack on the OP and nothing to do with this thread, or you.

That's just utterly horrible king there's no need for that.

I' like some of the previous posters - I hope my parents spend it all in fact I know they are going to :) that's how your retirement should be spent - going on holiday to wherever you fancy, treating yourself to whatever indulgent item or hobby, not plodding along till you die leaving money to others.

The money was hers to spend as she wished.

It sounds like the PIL were right to be reluctant about giving SIL 1 her inheritance before they died as she's spunked it up the wall. If I were the PIL I'd be removing her from the wills completely as she is clearly irresponsible with money.

Some of the responses here are breath taking, it's not the PIL's fault that she spunked it up the wall and decided to lie to try to get more money from them.

The subsequent behaviour sounds horrible, but the other two siblings don't sound great either with this divvying up of inheritance stuff. Inheritance=person has died surely. This makes me think of the prodigal son, and that only ended well due to a forgiving father!

Broke people get inheritance = they spend it worthily on debts and homes.
Someone who has already covered their outgoings and housing = they spend it on luxuries.
So what?

My father gave me and my siblings some money, I did think I should it on something worthy, yes. He saved it so that we could benefit, not so that we could blow it on nothing.

The other two siblings were given the money, they didn't appear to ask for it. The grandparents can give the money they have saved for their children to their children whenever they want surely? Much more tax efficient if they do it before they die too - when my father died recently we all had to give the tax man some money as it was given to us less than seven years ago. You can lose up to 40% which could be quite significant.

Better to give all your children the same amount I think though. My father gave us all some money because he thought that one of my siblings needed it at the time. I wouldn't have dreamed of asking him.

To be honest this sounds like a complete mess and no one is in the right. The more blame you apportion the worse it will get. My mum tried to be scrupulously fair and there were still problems when she died. However there were less then there could of been.
're helping those who are in need .....there seems to 've a sliding scale of deservedness ....is your need worthy enough. Personally I think you pil were at fault by doling out inheritance in a picemeal fashion but thought they were doing the right thing.

She sounds awful of course but TBH none of you really cover yourself with glory - all three of you having your inheritance early from your PILS?

It's supposed to be what they leave you when they die. What if they needed it? What if one of them became suddenly disabled and money was needed for private operations/carers/adaptations to the house?

I get where Aermingers is coming from. When the parents paid out to the other 2 siblings, they also should have paid out to the third one. It's all very well saying you'll get it when I die and you don't need it now, but Wills are notoriously tricky to execute and who knows how long the parents would live and how much that money would be worth then? Also, it isn't easy to ring fence an amount in a Will, sometimes there are complications.

However, if this is as it stands in the OP, I feel so sorry for the parents. Just imagine you are in the autumn of your life and you have your kids squabbling over your money. Ghastly.

She does sound pretty awful and if she has just blown it on holidays and gadgets, more fool her. That was hard earned money that was given in good faith. However, I think there is more to this than meets the eye. I know what it's like to be the non favourite in the family and you do feel a bit threatened so I imagine she is kicking out to make her voice heard.

OP - why does SIL feel she deserves more than her two siblings? Why would she say that?

Why are people using words like "swindled" out if inheritance? The parents don't have to give any money at all. That's a huge sum of money they could have spent on themselves.
Imagine working and saving up all your life to give your kids a huge sum of money to help them out and one of them spends the lot on luxury stuff then asks for more. Not even a thank you.
Me and Dh are in a rented house, we have two children and not a high income. I would NEVER ask anyone for money unless we were absolutely desperate and I don't expect any inheritance either my parents have fuck all anyway
Sil sounds incredibly privileged and shockingly ungrateful. Her behaviour is appalling.

KingTut

What the fuck are you on about!!!

You are a nasty shit this morning aren't you!

*I know I will be deleted MNHQ but it needed to be said

I hope that when my parents die, they do so with not a penny in the bank,

You want your parents to die destitute?

How very noble.

The problem with spending all your money "before you die", is that you don't know in advance exactly when you will die.

Living until you are very old costs an awful lot of money.

Care home fees are nosebleed expensive. Care home fees for two people that live until their late 90s could wipe out the entire equity in a house if they need care for a decade or more.

There are two of them - how are care home fees going to be realised for the first who needs care if the other is still living in the house?

An inheritance is the money left over when the people whose money it is/was have died.

While they are still alive, there is no way of knowing what their needs might be.

Giving away large sums of money just as you come to the most expensive and vulnerable time of your life is extremely foolhardy and irresponsible.

Giving large gifts to two out of three of your children is irresponsible and obviously unfair.