SIL 1 wants more inheritance money

[inheritanceissues]

Namechanged for this because of personal details etc

PILs have saved all their lives in order to give their 3 DCs (my DH and his older and younger sister) a good inheritance.

So a few years ago DH and I found out that we couldn't have children naturally and decided that we wanted to adopt but we were struggling with housing costs. So PILs asked us of we would like the inheritance early as we needed the money at that point so it would be better than waiting.

A year ago DHs younger sister (SIL2) was going through financial trouble after a divorce so PILs offered her share of the inheritance and she accepted.

DHs older sister (SIL1) decided that she wanted hers too because her siblings had gotten theirs early. She didn't really need the money her and her DH have a house and are well-off. PILs were reluctant but she persisted so they gave her the money.

They each had the same deal a third of the money PILs had saved and once it was gone there was no more money. If they managed to save anymore then they might have a bit when PILs die but it's unlikely as PIL are both retired now so aren't really able to save in the same way. They have savings for their grandchildren to be given when they die and the house they live in would also be split three ways for each of their DC.
They gave DH a very large sum of money and his sister's had the same amount.

So fast forward to last month and SIL1 goes to PILs and asks for more money and they say no sorry you have had your inheritance, we can borrow you a little bit but we can't afford to give you anything more. SIL1 was very angry about this and stormed out. PILs were very upset about it so told DH and SIL2 about it but asked them not to make fuss.

The next week SIL1 comes back again and apologizes for her behaviour says she was stressed with work and could PILs just forget it happened. They agree and everyone is happy.

Last week there was a big family party at the local hall for FILs birthday.
Halfway through SIL1 asks to speak to MIL outside. MIL comes back in a bit later in tears saying that SIL1 has told her that she wasn't her DCs inheritance from PILs as well and when MIL said no she told her that she would never see her grandchildren again. MIL was upset but didn't want us to say anything till the party was over.

Then SIL1 got drunk at the pub next door to the party venue and she starts saying that she needs money and PILs are being horrible to her. FIL got angry and asked her what on earth she has spent the original money on. She said fine she would go off and make a list. She left and we tried to brush it off as her being drunk.

The next day she came over to PILs house with her DH and 3 DCs while we were there with a list of what she had spent the money on saying that she had payed off a load of debts that we didn't know about. We were sympathetic but explained that there was just no money left. She started complaint and she went outside to talk to her DH whilst she was gone her older two DCs (18 and 20) told us that she was lying and they had all been told to lie as well or they would be thrown out.

SIL1 then returned and we asked her if she was being truthful, along conversation took place and, In the end her DH said no they weren't they were just trying to get more money and thought the story was a good idea as they thought that PILs were hiding money from them but it was becoming obvious to him that there was just no more money so he would rather come clean. He then wrote out a new list of what they had really spent it on including multiple holidays, New cars , New gadgets, spa days and various other luxury items.

SIL1 said that she was not going to apologise as she feels that she deserved more money than her siblings anyway and she wanted more money as there are things that she hadn't bought that she wishes she had and she wants more money to spent on her DCs education and she feels hard done by as she thought there would be more money to come.

She left saying she wouldn't forgive PILs for pretending that there was more money to come when there wasn't but PILs say that they never told her that there was more money.

So is SIL being unreasonable and what would you do now?

It's relevant because people are arguing that siblings who are poorer deserve to be left more money just because they're poorer. No matter if that's because their siblings didn't work hard or put in the hours. They're arguing that if one child works hard to become a success they should be punished for that when it comes to inheritance. And that'so bollocks IMO.

Where did it say she thought she deserved more than the other siblings? I got the impression that she believed that there was more money that the parents were hiding so they could give it to the siblings rather than her. And she was trying to get her share of that, rather than getting more.

As I said, by treating their children so unfairly the PILs have created the climate of suspicion that's meant she believes they are capable of that.

She has behaved very badly asking her partner and children to lie. But I think the rest of the family really have fomented this situation and aren't blameless. If you treat people like shit they tend to respond in kind.

Where did it say she thought she deserved more than the other siblings?

Third paragraph from the bottom of OPs initial post

The OP said that SIL1 thought she should get more money. Third paragraph before the end.

When it comes to inheritance, a surprisingly large number of parents try to even out financial discrepancies between their children. This seems rather unfair and doesn't encourage hard graft.

This SIL is just thoroughly nasty though. How much money has she already had?

But when the other two siblings took their cash in advance when it was worth much more than their sisters would be in the future they didn't make any bones about it did they? Because they thought they deserved it more. Can't really blame the sister for thinking in the same way her siblings did. They are no better.

I get where you're coming from aermingers. My Dh has 2 siblings who have had 50k inheritance each early. MIL says all will be evened out but hasn't considered care home fees at all...DH is luckily very laid back but i do feel he's being treated a bit unfairly

I just couldn't do that to my brother. I couldn't take more than my fair share or feel comfortable getting more. And we don't even like each other, we rarely speak. But despite the fact I think he's a twat I still know that doesn't mean he shouldn't be treated fairly.

SIL may well be a twat. It doesn't mean she deserves unfair treatment though.

I really can't believe people are sticking up for this woman. She sounds hideous, lying to demand money out of her parents when she is a grown adult. Telling her children to lie to get money - it's just beyond awful behaviour.

But when the other two siblings took their cash in advance when it was worth much more than their sisters would be in the future they didn't make any bones about it did they? Because they thought they deserved it more.

It doesn't look that way. They were struggling financially, the parents offered the inheritance early, so they accepted. There was no "deserved more", they were more in need. And if anything the cash is likely to be worth less now than in the future, due to inflation.

The sister wasn't struggling, but she asked to have the money anyway, and the parents gave it to her. That should have been the end of it. No need for her to act like an entitled bitch.

But you're doing exactly the same thing nina. You're saying because her family have become successful enough to find things the others can't she therefore deserves worse treatment.

It's just totally illogical, the idea that if one of your children makes a success of themselves then that has to be evened out by treating the other children better. You might as well say to your kids 'don't bother going to university, or getting a job, just go on the dole, because your sister and her husband are clever and hardworking and they can look after themselves so we'll leave most of our money to you'.

Surely parents want their children to be successful and hard working? So whilst if things don't work out and a parent has to bail one child out, they shouldn't do that at the expense of the other child? Especially in a situation like this where there was enough money to help out both children having a rough time AND still give SIL her fair share too?

She was basically told 'No, you cannot have this money unless you fail'. Not fair.

She was basically told 'No, you cannot have this money unless you fail'. Not fair.

No, they gave her the money. The same as her siblings. She had to ask twice, but she got it.

And after they gave her the money, rather than be grateful, she asked for more.

Why should she be entitled to more than her siblings?

But the SIL isn't financially comfortable because she worked hard aermingus. She's well off because she happened to marry a bloke who came from money. So the concept of incentivising effort doesn't come into it.

For God's sake. The OP has said she wasn't just given the money. Her siblings were just given the money but she had to pressure just to get the same. She was told she couldn't have the money because there would be 'none left when you need it' eg, your brother hasn't got a good enough job or saved enough money to buy a house, your sister's marriage has failed, so they can have money because stuff has gone wrong, but because you haven't made a cock up of your life you can't have any.

It's just a kick in the teeth. And anyway, I honestly don't believe any parent who genuinely loved all their children equally would give two children money and exclude one until some vague unguaranteed point in the future.

I think it probably suited the OP right down to the ground that her and her DH could walk away with their inheritance now and not feel like their money would be beholden to them taking in caring responsibilities or catering to the whims of her PILs when they knew this money could be used to blackmail SIL into doing all the inconvenient stuff they didn't want to do.

I wonder if that's what she meant by deserving more? That she feels she's the one who's looked after her parents but her siblings have always had better treatment?

There's definitely something off here on both sides. These are not the actions of parents who love their children equally.

YesThisIsMe, I haven't seen it said anywhere that the SIL doesn't work, she may well be contributing to the family, and even if she's been a stay at home Mum she's still contributing and her family as a unit is earning the money off the back of someone's hard work.

You might equally say to the OP that it's her and her husband's bad luck they married somebody poor so they shouldn't get any help.

Children should be treated equally. If one kid marries a dosser or someone who just isn't successful enough to earn a wage which is the same as their sisters partner that is not their sister's fault and she shouldn't be penalised for their failures whilst they are rewarded.

How have the parents protected their money from being spent on care homes if they were needed? That sounds a bit dodgy

The story sounds

She was told she couldn't have the money because there would be 'none left when you need it'

Sorry, which paragraph does the OP say this?

OP states:
Her inheritance wasn't withheld from her.
It was just that with my DH and with SIL2 it was PILs who suggested giving the inheritance early because we needed the money at that time.

Then SIL1 asked for hers and PILs told her to think about it first because she didn't need the money, they even showed her the bank statements and contacts and the will to reassure her that she would get the same amount of money but she insisted that she wanted it so they gave it to her.

Sounds to me like she would have got the money in the end, nothing here to suggest she was at any risk of not getting it.

I think aermingers seems to have been reading a different OP than everyone else.

Maybe Aermingers is the SIL?

Because What the house was available to be done fir care home fees if need be. The savings used for the inheritance were separate.

OP your SIL is a cow, a grasping one.

Aermingers you're adding 2 + 2 and making 7.

How do you protect money from being used in a financial assessment of care fees? It's not possible surely.

The sister has behaved badly but the other two come across as entitled asking for a payout from the bank of mum and dad. What other avenues did you try first to raise funds?

Do any of you actually support yourselves?

All sound entitled and grabby.

I think the whole saga sounds tasteless.

Doling out inheritance, the state of "the pot", current worth and future earning potential, how long will the old duffers last, itemised spending sprees, her house is bigger than mine...

Jeez. Earn your own crust and let your PIL (who sound daft as brushes) fritter theirs away on enjoying themselves.

I hope when my beloved parents go, there's not a penny left.

'I hope when my beloved parents go, there's not a penny left.' Indeed, Hufty, that's exactly what I want for my parents, too.

I find all this grubbing around after parents' money to be deeply distasteful, and, well, rather horrible (that's not referring to the OP, but her SIL and some of the other posters on this thread). OP's SIL sounds horrendous, btw.

My parents were piss poor when I was young. They used to save their arses off and go without any luxuries year round to give us lovely, magical Christmases. Then my Dad started a business, and they became quite wealthy. They just loved treating their daughters, bringing us on holidays and out to dinner.

Then my Dad's business partner screwed him over, and he lost a fortune. They lost their future security.

I don't know if there is an inheritance stashed away somewhere for my sisters and I. I hope there isn't. If I find out that there is, I will insist that my parents spend it on themselves. They have looked after us for years. It's their turn. I hope that when my parents die, they do so with not a penny in the bank, and years of lovely holidays, meals out, and wonderful experiences behind them. I'm very glad that when I look at my parents, I see something other than a giant, human, Henry Hippo.