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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sharing tables in cafés

963 replies

Athenaviolet · 01/06/2015 18:48

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU here.

I was in a cafe today. It was quite busy. Tbh if I'd known it was going to be busy I'd have gone elsewhere. My reason for going wasn't for the food & drink but for somewhere to sit to look up jobs on my phone, take notes etc. I wanted to sit for a couple of hours and it cost £6 for the privilege which I could do with not spending. There's tension in the house atm so don't feel comfortable there.

After I'd finished my sandwich but was still drinking my juice (in a transparent bottle so was obviously not finished) an older man came over to my table and asked if anyone was using the spare seats. I said no because that was the truth but it made me extremely uncomfortable him sitting next to me. I found it really hard to concentrate and left before I otherwise would have. (I have autistic traits so find 'social' situations difficult) I spent the next hour driving about in the rain.

Was he being unreasonable 'invading' my space? I was in his situation the other day and I just stood and waited for a free table. I think this is the polite thing to do.

Could I have said "please don't sit there while I'm still having my order"?

I'm very uncertain in these sort of social dilemmas. Imo when I'm paying (the extra) for a sit in meal part of what I'm paying for is 'the experience' of a table to sit in peace at. If I was just hungry I'd just go to a drive through.

OP posts:
LurkingHusband · 12/06/2015 16:14

Where do all these odd people come from?

Is it half term ? Grin

KidLorneRoll · 12/06/2015 16:16

"i'll not move my laptop or make conversation. And if you have kids or lots of drinks, food, bags i will say very honestly "There isn't room on this table and i need to concentrate, please sit somewhere else".

It's not your space. It's space provided for customers of a coffee shop and you don't get to determine whether you share it or not. Stop being a dick.

It's never happened to me in a coffee shop, but on two occasions I've not stood for people refusing to let me have literally the last seat on a bus because "their space" is more important. If I'm standing there with a coffee getting cold and someone refusing to share a table, they will be told to get to fuck just like those bus passengers were and I'll sit down anyway.

climbingquickly · 12/06/2015 16:19

And if they aren't leaving that lady will have to share because that's what civilised people do
Erm...nope... civilised people wait! I don't move other people's belongings, spill drinks on laptops or let my kids disturb people quietly working/talking/eating in a cafe. I don't believe we have a right to sit anywhere we like merely because it's a 'public-space'. I teach my DC it's bad manners to invade people's space or touch people's things. Being bolshy about 'right' to sit on any empty chair in the room is something kids grow out of as toddlers. Mine will patiently wait for seats when a cafe is busy.

you are attempting to hog a table
No I am USING a table. I'm using it to work, eat and drink. It has become my temporary workplace. You're welcome to use the other side IF there is space. I'm not going to pack up my laptop, so if you want more space find another table.

Will you apply the same logic to other cafe tables? Will you move prams, buggies, changing-bags, bottles, toys, clothes and other child-things to access the last free seat at a table of mums and toddlers? What about a young couple holding hands across a small table staring into each other's eyes, do you feel it's appropriate to bag the 3rd chair? Can't believe anyone would be this crass or intrusive in RL!

Never witnessed these cafe-rage incidents so can only assume most in RL share my values.

ilovesooty · 12/06/2015 16:25

You were saying previously that because you were working you had the right to refuse a seat to others. If there is a vacant chair at a table designed for two there is space.
And if people want to hold hands and stare into each other's eyes they should sit at a two person table.

findingmyfeet12 · 12/06/2015 16:28

When a table is designed for two, it's often too small for strangers to comfortably share.

I wouldn't ask to share one. I wouldn't feel comfortable asking.

MythicalKings · 12/06/2015 16:29

I'm not going to pack up my laptop, so if you want more space find another table.

Nope, if you want to work find a desk and stay out of cafes.

Icimoi · 12/06/2015 16:35

What Mythical said. And a further point:

Cafes are popular places to work (and it's legal). If there's no space for your tray then find/wait for a bigger table. I got there first and will not pack up my laptop just to suit you. A table is not a luggage-rack where everyone's stuff is piled up!

Sure they are, but that's not their primary purpose. You don't have a "right to work" in a café. If you need to work that much, go to your office or find a library. Or use the café, but recognise that other customers have a right to use the facilities there for the purpose for which they were intended and you need to permit them to do so.

And you're right that the table is not a luggage rack: it is there to put food and drink on. You don't have to take up the whole table with a laptop.

Re your last post, climbing, sharing a table in a busy café isn't invading anyone's space. It is, quite simply, normal custom. If you can't cope with someone sharing a café table with you, don't go in there.

Certainly if a parent was hogging a table with children's equipment and there was nowhere else to sit I would expect them to clear a space. Why wouldn't you? Precisely the same principles apply.

PrivatePike · 12/06/2015 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MythicalKings · 12/06/2015 16:49

Maybe one of those name thingies with her name on? To clutter up the table even further.

ClarkeyCat · 12/06/2015 18:08

Haha yes, and maybe one of those signs that says "You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps"

DancingDinosaur · 12/06/2015 18:32

Not my fault you chose a super-busy cafe. Awful that you have to wait a few minutes, just awful.

I wouldn't stand waiting with a coffee in my hands until a table became free. You have spare seats at your table then I'd be sitting right on down. No matter how politely you told me to find somewhere else or wait.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/06/2015 19:26

Has LilacWine namechanged? Confused

ilovesooty · 12/06/2015 19:30

Goodness knows. However this definitely should go in Classics. I'd no idea there were so many strange territorial self important attitudes about.

Aridane · 12/06/2015 19:53

Nearly at 1,000 posts!

Love this bonkers thread

SoldierBear · 12/06/2015 20:00

Your "right to work" in a cafe is non-existent and it is ludicrous to suggest that it exists.

Go and work in an office or a study or a library - or anywhere that is intended for the purpose, rather than obstructing people trying to sit at a cafe table to drink their coffee. It is not your "temporary workspace" - it is a table provided for people who purchase a drink to sit at and consume their beverage. If you chose to work there and it does not inconvenience other people, then fine. But, they do have a right to sit in any seat that is not occupied.

Civilised behaviour is realising that other people have rights and needs that equal or even exceed your own and involves behaving in a considerate manner.

Mehitabel6 · 12/06/2015 22:19

Definitely one for classics! If you have chosen to have a laptop in a busy cafe you are going to have to move it- and find somewhere more appropriate to work. I will find it quite appropriate to disturb them!
However- thanks- I have loved the thread- a great laugh!

SoldierBear · 13/06/2015 06:41

It has taken some surreal turns, starting with an OP who admitted she had issues and then meandering into cafes with security to ensure sexist discrimination and blatant. Seat joggers who believe their inanimate possessions are more entitled to a seat that human beings in order to preserve their imaginary right to privacy in public situations.
A shining example of why it's important to teach your children to share when they are little so that they don't end up as selfish, entitled adults who behave like dogs passing on a lamppost.

Mehitabel6 · 13/06/2015 06:46

I am a bit disappointed to only meet boringly sensible people in RL cafes and trains!

Mehitabel6 · 13/06/2015 06:47

However, it does make life simpler when people think of others.

BrendaBlackhead · 13/06/2015 08:38

As I mentioned upthread, I encountered a bloke in Starbucks off Regent St last weekend who had his laptop on the table (LAP top - means on YOUR LAP!!) and then was occupying the spare chair with his phone which was plugged into the wall. When I asked to have the spare chair (to take to my own table) he said no and grunted he needed the chair for his phone.

There is a small band of arseholes out there. There are approx three of them on this thread and I hope there aren't that many more.

SummerOfLadybirds · 13/06/2015 09:41

Don't be silly Brenda Grin laptop doesn't mean 'on your lap'!! ROFL
I use mine in cafes it takes up less room than a tray of drinks. Go to Starbucks at lunchtime if you think laptops on tables are rude you'll have to tell this to 70% people in there

This thread is so funny thanks for great laughs ladies!!

Oh and i don't mind at all sharing tables. But i think sharing is only the norm in Nat Trust cafes and old-fashioned tea-shops never in the big chains. Concepts of personal space vary place to place, i wouldn't dare ask a businessman in Starbucks to share but the old lady in my local tea-shop probably won't mind.

I'd never ask to share your 2-person table or make you move your laptop that's just pushy and really weird. I'll not butt into your private conversation either. But if you have a 6-seater table to yourself yes i expect to share a corner of it!

BrendaBlackhead · 13/06/2015 09:46

I didn't care that his laptop was on the table (after all, who wants toasted testicles?) but his phone getting its own chair was de trop imo.

Silvercatowner · 13/06/2015 09:47

Me and a friend bought coffee in an M&S cafe last week. The only place to sit was a table for two that was pushed together with an occupied table for two. I asked nicely - clearly the couple would rather we had not sat there but there was no option - to have said 'no' would have been very churlish. Turned out they were really nice and we had a bit of a gossip.

mileend2bermondsey · 13/06/2015 09:50

i wouldn't dare ask a businessman in Starbucks to share but the old lady in my local tea-shop probably won't mind
Sounds like you have some sort of inferiority complex. You'd be too scared to ask to sit at a table occupied by someone 'important' but someone with less 'worth' youd be fine with asking?

sharing is only the norm in Nat Trust cafes and old-fashioned tea-shops never in the big chains
Nope, totally normal in big chains. I've shared tables in Pret, EAT, Nero's and Costa.

SummerOfLadybirds · 13/06/2015 09:50

Yeah his phone 'using' the chair is crazy! I hope you said something sarky then sat on it phone and all!