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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sharing tables in cafés

963 replies

Athenaviolet · 01/06/2015 18:48

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU here.

I was in a cafe today. It was quite busy. Tbh if I'd known it was going to be busy I'd have gone elsewhere. My reason for going wasn't for the food & drink but for somewhere to sit to look up jobs on my phone, take notes etc. I wanted to sit for a couple of hours and it cost £6 for the privilege which I could do with not spending. There's tension in the house atm so don't feel comfortable there.

After I'd finished my sandwich but was still drinking my juice (in a transparent bottle so was obviously not finished) an older man came over to my table and asked if anyone was using the spare seats. I said no because that was the truth but it made me extremely uncomfortable him sitting next to me. I found it really hard to concentrate and left before I otherwise would have. (I have autistic traits so find 'social' situations difficult) I spent the next hour driving about in the rain.

Was he being unreasonable 'invading' my space? I was in his situation the other day and I just stood and waited for a free table. I think this is the polite thing to do.

Could I have said "please don't sit there while I'm still having my order"?

I'm very uncertain in these sort of social dilemmas. Imo when I'm paying (the extra) for a sit in meal part of what I'm paying for is 'the experience' of a table to sit in peace at. If I was just hungry I'd just go to a drive through.

OP posts:
LilacWine7 · 10/06/2015 13:52

It is up to the owner to decide what kind of cafe experience they want to provide. That might be sharing tables, getting a table before you arrive or not allowing new customers to join occupied tables

Yes very true.

If you want to be guaranteed an instant seat in cafe, why not choose a cafe that enforces table-sharing or allocates customers seats on big communal tables?
Most of the big chains are selling an environment that's peaceful, relaxing and not over-crowded. I don't imagine they'd force customers to share tables, they'd lose too much business. Those cosy little tables are great for an intimate coffee with your OH or close friends, not so suited to strangers.

OnlyLovers · 10/06/2015 13:55

Lurking, all right, fair point. Grin

LilacWine7 · 10/06/2015 13:56

You have quite the lurid imagination, Lilac

I just prefer not to make snap-judgements. There is often way more to situations like this than meets the eye. Easy to cast the seat-blocking-woman as the villain and the bag-moving-man as the hero, but you don't actually know what led up to that point.

CSIJanner · 10/06/2015 14:14

I shared a snack table at gym class yesterday whilst the DC had their lunch in fair time so they didn't get a stitch. After the new family had their snack/drink and fast forward 10 minutes, they then placed their child's well worn, grubby, dirty sandals on the table, right next to the DC's sandwiches.

I judged. In fact, I hoicked those judgey pants up so much that I took a picture and complained to the gym company.

ItsNotAsPerfectAsItSeems · 10/06/2015 14:45

Lilac, firstly you say to Andrew that it was reasonable if the woman to be wary of his motives. But, his motives are surely evident by the fact that he has prebooked the seat next to her and understandably would now like to sit in it? Surely that's clear to see?

As for the woman on the train. I was there, on the seats opposite the aisle. The bloke was an ordinary commuter in a suit. (As ordinary as anyone from Radlett) He was not threatening looking nor was he 40stone. He asked very politely if he could sit down. There were no other seats. She said no and looked away. He seemed surprised and repeated the question. She said no again. He then asked could she please remove her coat and bag do he could sit down. She just turned her head. By this time everyone else was watching. He picked up her stuff and put it down on the other dude of her which happened to be the slightly wet floor. If she had an issue which meant she couldn't sit next to anyone she should not have chosen to travel at 7.45 on a weekday morning. It's ridiculous to say we should just have left her to it in case she had an issue with men.

ItsNotAsPerfectAsItSeems · 10/06/2015 14:47

Oh and no platform stalking as she got on with me at St Albans and he got on at the next stop.

Andrewofgg · 10/06/2015 14:53

As a matter of fact ItsNotAsPerfectAsItSeems I have a method of hacking into the seat-reservation website which allows me to see the name and date of birth of everyone who has reserved a seat and then takes me into a top-secret Government database which provides me with a photograph so that I can always sit next to a woman I find attractive . . .

Or possibly not Smile

If I had to bet on which new threads would pass the 850 mark and might reach a thousand I would not have put my money on this one. Wrong again, Andrew, wrong again . . .

LurkingHusband · 10/06/2015 15:13

If I had to bet on which new threads would pass the 850 mark and might reach a thousand I would not have put my money on this one.

To be fair any uncontentious thread where people start butting in and making ludicrous if not incredible assertions is going to go a bit penis-beaker.

The only thing this thread appears to be missing, is some mentioned of benefits claimants and/or immigrants. But then it's early days yet Grin

LilacWine7 · 10/06/2015 15:14

CSI urgh that's horrible about the grubby sandals on table!! Shock

Problem is, when sharing tables you have no idea if other people will be considerate and clean. Many people aren't. This is another reason I consider a small tray-size table to be personal space... it gets disinfected between occupants! If you're sharing with a stranger they're putting their hands, used plates, cups, crumbs, personal items etc right next to your food (and if they have a baby/toddler there's a good chance your table will end up with lots of sticky items, chewed dummies, bottles etc. I don't mind this if it's my friend's child but not a stranger who has invaded my space!)

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 10/06/2015 15:15

a bit wary about your motives for wanting that particular seat

Why on earth would his motives be anything other than wanting to sit on the seat reserved? That's not 'making a snap judgment', it's just being able to comprehend the bleeding obvious!

Mehitabel6 · 10/06/2015 15:22

I don't generally touch people's belongings, but if they are somewhere they shouldn't be, and they refuse to move them, I should certainly move them. The person can argue about it when I have got the seat. Not that I see the point of arguing- it just needs a broken record mild statement of 'sorry but they blocked a seat.'

Mehitabel6 · 10/06/2015 15:23

If the person has a ticket with a seat reservation number why on earth would you be 'wary of motives'? Confused

LurkingHusband · 10/06/2015 15:24

Many people aren't. This is another reason I consider a small tray-size table to be personal space... it gets disinfected between occupants!

Shock

we're clearly not talking about Costa here then.

PrivatePike · 10/06/2015 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyLovers · 10/06/2015 15:34

Nit and Perfect, v good point about the man's 'motives' being that he has pre-booked the seat.

Lilac, care to address that?

Mehitabel6 · 10/06/2015 15:37

I have booked seat 26a in coach D. I am travelling alone. I have no motives other than wanting a seat. I have no way of knowing who has booked 26b. It wasn't an option when I booked.

LilacWine7 · 10/06/2015 16:07

Lilac, firstly you say to Andrew that it was reasonable if the woman to be wary of his motives
If the train was half-empty with lots of unreserved seats, yet Andrew insisted on sitting next to somebody because he'd pre-booked the seat... this is a bit odd. When there are lots of free seats people normally give each other some space. Though in this case Andrew explained he wanted it for the table- fair enough. If there hadn't been a table issue and he'd walked past lots of free seats to sit next to a lone woman, of course she'd wonder why. Maybe she thought he was lonely and feared he'd want to chat the whole way.

LurkingHusband · 10/06/2015 16:10

LilacWine7

Do you write trash fiction for a living ?

OnlyLovers · 10/06/2015 16:11

If there hadn't been a table issue

IF being the operative word, really.

You do seem to like to assume the worst. Although I'm not sure, having said that, that being chatted at is 'the worst' that could happen. Grin

PrivatePike · 10/06/2015 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icimoi · 10/06/2015 16:37

If you're sharing with a stranger they're putting their hands, used plates, cups, crumbs, personal items etc right next to your food

I don't know about you, Lilac, but when I sit at a table for two my hands are occupied with my food and drink and don't stray over the table next to the other person's food. Nor do I put my plate or cup near to theirs. Even if it's a small table meaning there's not much space between my plate and theirs, what possible harm could it possibly do? And there's little if any chance of my crumbs straying over unless I accidentally spray some when I'm talking. However, if I'm simply sitting at a table and reading the paper, that's not going to happen either.

I take it that if you share a table with friends and relatives you're OK with the proximity of their crockery?

Icimoi · 10/06/2015 16:44

If the train was half-empty with lots of unreserved seats, yet Andrew insisted on sitting next to somebody because he'd pre-booked the seat... this is a bit odd. When there are lots of free seats people normally give each other some space. Though in this case Andrew explained he wanted it for the table- fair enough. If there hadn't been a table issue and he'd walked past lots of free seats to sit next to a lone woman, of course she'd wonder why. Maybe she thought he was lonely and feared he'd want to chat the whole way.

It's perfectly simple. On a train where you can book seats and you don't want someone to sit next to you, you book the seat next to you. You have absolutely no reason or right to be suspicious because someone wants to sit in the seat he has booked. He doesn't have to have any reason whatsoever for doing so.

Last week I travelled somewhere where I had a seat booked at what turned out to be a two person table. I hoped that would mean I would have it to myself but when I turned up there was a man sitting in the opposite seat, but at that point there was no-one else in the carriage. Some of the other seats were unbooked. I said "Hallo" and sat down in my seat and, you know what, the man didn't object, nor did I sit there resenting him for refusing to move to one of the unbooked seats and wondering darkly about his awful motives. So far as I could tell, he wasn't worrying too much about my fell intentions either.

Because that's what normal people do.

LurkingHusband · 10/06/2015 16:46

Because that's what normal people do.

I don't think that's what some posters think ....

findingmyfeet12 · 10/06/2015 17:00

The number of people who seem to shy away from any kind of human contact is bizarre. There may be times when we experience unwanted attention or something unpleasant happens but they are few and far between. Get over it.

As for the reserved seat, If a person says they've reserved that seat what is the controversy? Why would anyone question someone's motive for sitting in a reserved seat? Maybe if the train later gets busy the person in a reserved seat will feel more confident knowing they're less likely to have to get up for someone? What's the point of reserving if you're then made to take a different seat?

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 10/06/2015 17:02

Lilac
I have read your last post several times, trying desperately to make sense of it.

Andrew had pre-booked a seat. He had paid for it. He wanted to sit in it. He was not a sexual predator. This is what normal people do. They book, pay, sit.
What is difficult to understand about this?