To not let dd have her hair cut?

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Dd1 (13) wants her hair cut very short. We have said no for the following reasons:

1. She will not be able to manage/style it and needs her hair at a length where it can be tied up if necessary
2. Her behaviour recently has not been good and she gets very angry when we say no to her

Dd maintains it is her choice and her hair and at 13 should be allowed to cut it however she wants. She struggles to get up everyday and wouldn't be able to style it and as she's sensitive about how she looks it would end up with her refusing to go to school if it doesn't 'look right'
She is furious with us.

I'm sure not what you can do about the counseling. A teenager has the right to give informed consent to any treatment, and I'm not sure that it would be ethically acceptable to counsel a teenager under duress.

Is there any association that you could contact that could give you advice, or put your DD in touch with other adolescents with similar health issues?

Justlikeme you have summed it up perfectly

Dd does not seem to want to speak about her health problems at all she is clearly very unhappy about it all. She has an appt with her cardiologist next week and to see the syncope nurse too so I may email ahead and see if they can help with something to do with those conditions as if she's there for an appt they may be able to have a quick chat with her, the nurse seems to get on v well with dd

Could you have a 'dry run' where she is using some straighteners on her hair before it is getting cut so she has an idea of how hard it will or won't be?

I'm really thinkig this is more about her frustration about not being able to do things rather than an issue of 'autonomy' and 'making her own decisions'.

When you had counselling yourself, did they give you any pointers on how to support her/make it easier for her?
Any charities for her condition that could give you some pointers and/or the opportuntiy to meet with other parents in the same boat than you?

"the OP question isn't whether her dd can have a shorter hairstyle, it's about whether it will manageable for her dd and acceptable for the family."

Hedgehog is still linking the haircut, to behaviour, though. That aside, I don't feel a person with disabilities shouldn't be allowed to have their hair how they want it, due to the impact on other people. Should I be forced into a pixie crop, just because it's more convenient to other people?

As for hairdresser, i don't want to mention specifics if OP hasn't, but there are ways to be accommodated if the fainting is due to physical position for example.A good hairdresser will be able to advise Hedgehog and DD on this.

Very simply, iit comes down to a person with a disability having to have their appearance a certain way to accommodate other people. Not acceptable, in my book.

Also, not sure which professional is involved with that, but could she get some advice on how to deal with all these everyday tasks she can't do? (Is it an occupational therapist?)
Again I'm wondering if you could go and get advice even if shje doesn't want to go.

Regardless of the "ethics" of the decision, I also feel that short hair would be a lot easier to manage than long!

Another thought, when I lost my hair I looked into wigs and I was really surprised how many people used these for purely cosmetic rather than medical need! If she did have short hair and still struggled, a very good wig might be a very good solution as they are easy to put on and the hair usually looks perfect! They are expensive, but again, DLA might help?

NoIsNot the issue here is that the OP's DD is very limited in terms of how far she is able to style her own hair, and so if the cut is high-maintenance, it falls on other people to help her style it.

In an ideal world this wouldn't be an obstacle but in the real world - mornings where time is short, and a teenager with self-esteem issues who won't go out the front door if her hair isn't perfect - it's not quite this easy. Both sides need to find an acceptable compromise.

NoIsNot, well I have lived with a child who had so many meltdowns that everyone including his siblings were walking on eggshell.
I can promise you that the effect of the child with meltdowns on the other members of the family was HUGE. It had an impact on the MH of the other children.

Now I have ask: who is supposed to take priority then? The child with disability/meltdowns even if it has very negative effects on the siblings. Or the wellbeing of the siblings (knowing that in the case of the OP, they have their own disabilities to deal with anyway).

It's not an issue of 'making it easier' for the OP.
It's an issue of taking into account the MH of her dd AND the one of her siblings. Or should the OP just brush them aside and consider they are not important after all?

Another question Hedge, could you have a helper in the am?

Can't you negotiate the need for her to get up earlier and do her own hair if she gets this hair style, and make sure she knows that missing school because it's not perfect isn't on, and get her agreement on this too.
Also let her know that your mornings are much too busy to help her with her hair, so she really needs to take responsibility for it herself.

If she can't agree to those conditions, then she can't get that haircut.
You could also make it conditional on good behaviour between now and end of school term? When I do this, I do allow for a few small Wobblies, but remind my DD of what's at stake. Works well in this house.

And as several others suggested, get it cut just before the school holidays, so she gets plenty of practice before going back to school.

I too remember some of your earlier threads. I know life is very stressful for you. But life is also difficult for your DD, and at 13 her hormones are rampant.

YABU to a degree. My 17 year old sister is not allowed to get her hair cut and when I got my shoulder blade hair cut short last year my mum stopped speaking to me!!
However, if you will be the one paying for the frequent trips to the hairdressers maybe you could ask her to do some chores to help contribute towards the cost of the salon visits?

What's your husband's take on this?

Is he able to help in the mornings at all?

Dh is at home first thing to help but even with the two of us it's a struggle. We should get up earlier but that's not always possible depending on how we both are.

Yes, I suppose buying in help in the mornings could be a possible solution as from approx 630-815 am it is about as hectic as it can get I would have to look into it as we have just had to increase our cleaners hours and get a gardener once a fortnight as dh can no longer cut the grass etc so it is an option I would have to go through costs etc but potentially if I could get an hours help each morning with the younger dcs it could be a game changer

Justlikeme, there is no need to post faces at me. My opinion is that is unreasonable for a person with disabilities not to have control over their own hairstyle.

As I said, I am a disabled person myself and also have DC (including teenagers!) with SN. I have given my opinion (along with the majority of people) and also, based on my own experiences, suggested ways to accommodate that hairdresser/mobile hairdresser/using DLA/wig, whatever may help Hedgehog and her DD. To say I " don't get it" is pretty insulting, to be honest. Anyway, I'm out as this is getting too personal for me.

(By the way, my therapist who advised on changes to my home ,including personal care, advised me I should run my life the way I wanted to, their job was to find a way to facilitate my choices. But it was clear that they should be my choices.)

OP I hope you and your DD sort this out.

Clearly it is a lot more complex than the opening post suggested.

If there are practical/logistical problems with getting a haircut then some thought needs to be put into how to address and overcome those. Knowing very little about the situation I can't advise but wouldn't a professional salon offer a more comfortable location for a haircut than home ie proper chairs/hairwash etc. Only OP can really say on that one.

Having heard more about your situation I think your concerns are completely valid. I also think your daughter has the right to have a haircut of her choice.

Assuming the logistics of going to a salon and actually getting the haircut can be solved then I think you need to enter into some calm negotiations with compromise on both sides. I would suggest maybe this:

You explain your concerns to her about the haircut/school situation. You tell her that although you have these concerns you think she should have the haircut of her choice and you will pay for that on the following conditions:

1. She waits until the start of the summer holidays to have the cut so that she can either (a) get over it in peace if she hates it or (b) if she likes it use the holiday time to get used to styling it before she goes back to school.

1. Tell her that she has to keep her powder dry about it until the end of term, and if she does you will buy her some hair magazines so that she can browse various styles to see if there is anything that might match her hair type better. Maybe suggest she puts a mood board together?

I would also tell her that you will look at salons together and try and find one that offers a pre-cut consultation so that the stylist can look at her hair and advise her on the best solution based on the mood board she has made. Many stylists do offer consultation before the cut.

If she isn't sensible enough to see that this deal is essentially her getting what she wants but with plans in place to mitigate any disasters ie her feeling like a twit at school if the cut goes wrong, then I think you would be within your rights to tell her to forget it altogether.

If she is under care of a nurse she gets on with would it be possible for you to speak with said nurse and raise your concerns? I would be tempted to speak to the nurse concerned re your worries about her mental health. I would then let her attend a routine appt alone so they could chat with her? Maybe go in for the basics then excuse yourself to "nip to the loo" so they can see if she opens up without you there?

With the haircut I would suggest instead of NO (which btw is the right choixe in the circumstances) I would say you love the idea of change, could you look at some magazines together? Remind her that short means more trips to hairdressers? See if you can find a compromise.
Another thing you can do is pay for a consultation. Call the hairdressers beforehand. Explain your DDs limitations re hairdressers/styling etc. If they are good they will let you pay to go in and sit there with them looking at mags etc and they will advise. They won't need to mention DDs conditions. If they are good they will keep that in their heads and enthuse anout her choices whilst steering her towards something different but suitable forber hair and easy to maintain.

My dd was at school with someone who pulled out both her eyelashes and eyebrows which eventually progressed to her pulling out clumps of her own hair. Very distressing condition which needs addressing.

I think you are considering your dd's wellbeing first and foremost and are worried about the after effects of a hair cut she cannot style or even hates when it is done. I think she has to make her own mistakes here.

The other side of the coin is that my eldest dd had short hair which really suited her but when she went to secondary school, other girls made fun of her calling her a boy etc which really upset her. They would not even let her use the ladies loos. She wanted to grow her hair and because it is so hugely thick and bushy, I asked her to re-think. I could see it was what she wanted so she grew it. It didn't look nice but it solved other issues for her. She still tells me how annoyed she was with me having her hair short in the first place and she is 28!

I think you need to give her as much autonomy as you can.
It sounds as if she may have self esteem issues perhaps related to her illness.
How does she get on with her peers?
You are correct in saying that if she is absolutely refusing counselling it will not benefit her to force it.
I would drop the rope and tell her that you think it might help her to talk to someone but it is up to her.
Have you thought of asking her nurse if there is anywhere you could access support and advice in managing the current issues?

We managed to come to a compromise-I washed dried and straightened dds hair then cut her a sweeping side fringe similar to the front of the haircut she desperately wants. I told her if she has her hair up in a bun she essentially has the look she wants and that she can try to style the front herself in mornings from now till holidays but if it goes wrong we will clip it up.

If all goes well and she manages we will think about the next step of getting the rest cut at beginning of holidays. Hopefully she will manage the front and then if she does want the rest cut off it won't be as daunting a task as going from very long to short that needs styling

I think that sounds like a good compromise OP.

so glad that you've compromised on the hair! I hope that things improve in general for you and yours.

Gosh, I would have been utterly furious at 13 if my mum told me I couldnt cut my hair! Maybe 7 or 8 is the cut off for that.

Let her do this, what harm will she come to. If you don't I suspect the harm will be done to your relationship and you can expect an even rockier few years ahead as teenage kicks into full blown stage!

Great you've found a compromise. I'd also expect 6 weeks of good mornings and her managing her own hair before rewarding her with a short hair cut

I think the henna was a non issue really. Not worth you discussing it as she knows the rules and sanctions.

Really pleased for you both - hope she manages the new style OK