To not let dd have her hair cut?

[Edenviolet]

Dd1 (13) wants her hair cut very short. We have said no for the following reasons:

1. She will not be able to manage/style it and needs her hair at a length where it can be tied up if necessary
2. Her behaviour recently has not been good and she gets very angry when we say no to her

Dd maintains it is her choice and her hair and at 13 should be allowed to cut it however she wants. She struggles to get up everyday and wouldn't be able to style it and as she's sensitive about how she looks it would end up with her refusing to go to school if it doesn't 'look right'
She is furious with us.

She wants it shorter at one side and a sweeping fringe. Her hair is wavy and she wants it to be completely straight. It will be too short to tie up and tbh she struggles to get dressed each day due to fatigue and pain and she will not have time to do he hair as well. Currently she just ties it up.

But....it's HER hair. Not yours. I don't really get why should get to decide what she has done with it. My three year old gets a say in what happens to her hair.

As I mentioned in op her behaviour lately has not been good either at all but she's saying its against her rights for me to insist she has long hair?

Could you not say that if you can prove during June that are able to get up on time and have good behaviour that she can get it cut?

And like it was already suggested could you not both go to the hairdressers and talk through a style that is similar and manageable?

I think yaub here. It is her body and you are over riding her autonomy here. She will resent you for it for years.

Has she tried one of those hairstyle apps to check her style will suit her? Long to short can be a bit of a shock.

As an outsider I suspect you need to separate out the school refusal and deal with that separately.

It's her hair.

She is now 13.

Talking about offering compromises and insisting re somebody else's hair sounds a bit eccentric and controlling TBH.

It sounds as though there are other issues but you won't encourage maturity by treating her as though she is a much younger child.

I'd be wary of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy here. At 13 you should be encouraging independent choice and the responsibility that comes with that.

tell her its against your rights to be stropped at

my dd tried it on like this with the stamping and the tantrums i emailed her a link about financial abuse she did her chores and played nicely about the house for a few weeks and asked nicely again

Yes really! If your daughter would refuse to go to school because on unstyled hair then there is a bigger problem.

My DC get to choose how to have their hair (within reason) from about 4. DD's growing her hair, DS wants to keep his long-ish.

Go with her to the hairdresser and casually make clear the need for a low maintainence style, while leaving the final decision to DD.

Hairdressers are amazing diplomats.

I agree with Twinkle the refusing to attend school is the bigger issue and should be addressed separately.

If course she shouldn't scream the odds and get her own way. But to be honest she shouldn't have to have a tantrum about hair, surely it's up to her.

Are you really saying that if you sat down with her and discussed it calmly pros and cons etc you really aren't going to let her get it short?

Apologies of course I have no idea of the family dynamic or wider issues but perhaps a wee bit more control over her life might help her behaviour?

oh fuck she is never going to get that hair right by herself daily i see what you mean

do you think this is an extreme form of school refusal? she sounds like she is setting herself up for failure

She is having massive 'tantrums' whenever she does not get her way and saying no to her results in huge problems. She said this evening "I hate it when I don't get my way it's makes me hate everyone and everything"
We have let her make many choices about her appearance but have said no on this one occasion and all hell has broken loose. I'd be happy to compromise with a short cut that If she got up late/ couldn't style could just be tied up but that is "not good enough"

You say she gets angry when you say no. Well you need to be saying 'no' to important things she can understand. Not just arbitrary meaningless shit like hair.

You're setting yourself up for so many battles. It's hair. It might look crap. So what? It'll grow. She can learn to deal with it

My mother always said no as a default. To anything. I became sneaky and deceitful ad did what I wanted anyway without giving any credence to her wishes

Her hair, her choice. She is 13, not 3. I used to choose my own styles at that age.

If her hair is very short, there will be no need to tie it back. I don't get what you're on about there.

Why make this about hair? You sound like you don't want to give in to her demands because she is behaving like a stroppy, tantrumming teen horror. Tell her that. You don't mind her hair being cut short, but she gets nothing until the foot stamping ends. And no matter what it looks like, she goes in to school.

YABU to tell her how long she can have her own hair. If it turns out to be awful, then she's learned not to get that cut again. Be supportive, find a good salon, and let her discuss maintenance with the stylist.

Can you not enlist a cousin or friend to convince her to go for something else?

That will need a lot of styling and I can see why you don't want to go down that route.

I would compromise with her. No strops and at school every day (she is able to, if her health is bad) and she gets a blow dry every 2 weeks?

Yabu its her hair. Just tell her to be sure on what she wants and style can manage because if she makes the choice to have it cut she has to live with it and cannot moan about later or stay off school.

Very short hair requires nothing but drying.

Didn't see your last post. It Takes minutes to run a straightener over a fringe. Also, it's quite cool to have a bit of a wave in that type of cut.

It sounds like she has some health issues, which I appreciate might make you more concerned and involved in her life but I think you need to detach a bit.

I think if she refuses to go to school because she has a spot you have much bigger issues than a haircut. Perhaps you should try and post for advice on that, far bigger, issue.

I would never dictate to my dd what she ought to do with her hair unless it went against school rules. I just don't understand using this as some sort of punishment at all.

Yabu to stop her from cutting her hair, but yanbu to point out that the style she wants won't suit her hair type and will be bloody high maintenance.

If I were your dd, I would walk into a hairdresser and get it cut myself. It's hair, she's not having a tatoo or belly button piercing.

I think yab even more u now then. My hair is wavy, it's bloody awful, however short took most of the wave out of it. Some mini detail straighteners sort it in less than two mins.

I really don't think you get how this can impact on her.

I think OP is worried that her DD will be more angry with herself when she can't have the perfect hairstyle every morning, and that will be hard with the cut she wants to get. Give her a break!