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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let dd have her hair cut?

248 replies

Edenviolet · 31/05/2015 21:35

Dd1 (13) wants her hair cut very short. We have said no for the following reasons:

  1. She will not be able to manage/style it and needs her hair at a length where it can be tied up if necessary
  2. Her behaviour recently has not been good and she gets very angry when we say no to her

Dd maintains it is her choice and her hair and at 13 should be allowed to cut it however she wants. She struggles to get up everyday and wouldn't be able to style it and as she's sensitive about how she looks it would end up with her refusing to go to school if it doesn't 'look right'
She is furious with us.

OP posts:
championnibbler · 01/06/2015 11:03

YABU.
she's 13!

i would leave her lop the whole lot off.
and then kak myself laughing each morning while she tries to tame her lopsided chrismas tree style bed hair.
short hair is exceptionally high maintenance.
let her make her own mistakes.

Mistigri · 01/06/2015 11:09

champion thread is about a girl with health and self-esteem issues, do you really think setting her up for a fall and then laughing at her is appropriate? FFS.

Branleuse · 01/06/2015 11:13

just let her choose her own hairstyle ffs. It sounds like she is desperate for some control over her own body and style

Original poster
Edenviolet · 01/06/2015 11:17

She has control in every other way her clothes, shoes, makeup at weekends, nail polish etc etc I'm not controlling every aspect of her style

OP posts:
NoIsNotACompleteSentence · 01/06/2015 11:17

Actually, thinking more about my post of 10.35, I can see how I would be unreasonable to insist my DH did my hair the way I wanted it. I think if I had kept my hair, I might have used my PIP to pay for a hairdresser wash and blow once a week (like my grandmother!)

I know how important appearances can be to a teenager, would it be possible, if she finds her hair too difficult, and you don't have time, to use some of her DLA to pay for a hairdresser? A mobile one could come to the house.

I know it sounds vain and shallow, but I think when you are suffering with health issues, your appearance does become more important. I am a none make up wearing, scruffy, feminist type, but when I lost my hair, I suprised myself how upset I was - I actually ventured into the style and beauty boards - who were very helpful!

You will get good advice in SN, but I suspect it will be geared towards letting her have her hair the way she wants.

Would the hairdresser from DLA be any use, do you think?

CamelliaA · 01/06/2015 11:22

Poor girl. Let her get her hair cut and suggest that she'll have to get up earlier,if it's going to be high maintenance. Also,could you not take her for private counselling,if she won't go to the school's? That way she can keep it private.

thedevilinside · 01/06/2015 11:24

My 10 year old DD has short hair and it's no maintenance whatsoever, just wash and go, it looks beautiful, plus she's the only girl I know with short hair, a few have bobs, but she is the only one with a pixie cut.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 01/06/2015 11:25

The last two occasions she has had her hair washed cut and dried at home by a mobile hairdresser she has fainted so it doesn't tend to go well. It's just a horrible situation dd is upset and I feel guilty but I can't see how it will work and Ian concerned it will make mornings impossible if it doesn't go right
We have tried to let did have as much control as we can over her appearance.

OP posts:
Mistigri · 01/06/2015 11:25

I think it would be a great idea to get the advice of a hairdresser and, if you can afford it pay, for it to be styled professionally every so often, but it still needs to be cut in a style that won't add to morning stress. (I get the impression that this is the main issue - not how it looks, but how she will cope with the maintenance).

Is your DD able to have a rational discussion about this, and reach a compromise over the exact style? (I know this is incredibly difficult for some teenagers).

Original poster
Edenviolet · 01/06/2015 11:27

We offered her private counselling but she screamed and cried and said we would have to drag her there and even then she wouldn't talk about anything
I made her bed the other day and found a list under her pillow of all the things she's upset about so she's obviously feeling very low. If I thought a haircut how she wants would help id let her but I can see it going so wrong on bad days

She's been getting so angry and being rude/silly and if I give in now I'm not sure it's giving her the right message about behaviour either

OP posts:
NoIsNotACompleteSentence · 01/06/2015 11:32

You cannot link her behaviour to her hairstyle, after all these posts you still don't seem to hear what pretty much everyone is saying...

championnibbler · 01/06/2015 11:32

Mistigri seeing as this girl is so badly behaved, i'd say that's the least of her problems.

and just so you know - no one likes a badly behaved child.
there is no excuse for it.
none.

mummytime · 01/06/2015 11:36

I'm sorry but a) you can't dictate to her, she is 13 - its not about you controlling or reward/punishment at this age.
b) she sounds as if she is or is becoming mentally unwell.

Now you are saying on one hand she can't have her hair cut, but you are allowing her to dictate that she will not see someone for counselling. You have got the balance wrong.

She must see someone about her mental health.
The hair doesn't matter.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 01/06/2015 11:36

It's hard not to when she is rude etc then demands a hairstyle that we have to pay for to separate the issues.
If I give in to everything what message does it give her tbh if she had been rude then asked for money for chocolate of have said no it just so happened she was on about her hair

I know dad has a lot to contend with but I also have other dcs with disabilities to consider every morning and I don't want to make the mornings worse for everyone

OP posts:
NoIsNotACompleteSentence · 01/06/2015 11:36

Champion, perhaps if you thought in terms of reasons instead of excuses for poor behaviour you might have something helpful to say?

There are plenty of reasons this DD is poorly behaved, including the lack of control she has over own life.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 01/06/2015 11:37

Dd not dad sorry on phone so it keeps changing what I type

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 01/06/2015 11:39

I would have to physically drag her there I wouldn't be able to so I can't insist. It's hard enough on days where she's ill getting her to school and worse on days where she doesn't want to go as has a spot etc but the reaction to counselling was so strong I'd literally have to drag her and I cant

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 01/06/2015 11:41

and just so you know - no one likes a badly behaved child.
there is no excuse for it.
none.

Why don't you pop along to the SN board and say that.

Do you have any kind of ability to think other than in black and white?

NoIsNotACompleteSentence · 01/06/2015 11:41

Have you had any counselling to deal with these issues, Hedgehog?

You can't use her siblings' SN either, to justify not allowing her autonomy over her hair.

Isn't the fact that pretty much everyone is saying you are being unreasonable, making you reconsider?

DPotter · 01/06/2015 11:46

I still maintain a short hair style for thick wavy hair is easier than a medium or long hair. In fact a style between ear length and shoulder length is the worst as it's too thick to gather up in to a pony tail / bunches. A very short style is so quick - if a bit is sticking up spritzing with water and flattening it down takes very little time. I am useless with a hairdryer, never used straighteners and still could look reasonable after running my fingers through my hair.

As mummytime says - hair doesn't matter - it grows back so it is the ideal thing for teenagers to exert their independence on. Her mental health does matter and if you have to drag her kicking & screaming to CAHMS / counselling - then that's what you sadly will have to do. I'm sure CAHMS /Counsellers are very used to bolshy teenagers very reluctant to engage. Please arrange both a hair appointment and a referral for help for her

Original poster
Edenviolet · 01/06/2015 11:47

Ues I've had counselling. My other dcs disabilities do affect choices made if that choice will affect someone else and on the mornings they all need help and time is tight so if dd wants her hair perfect and can't achieve that through illness or inability it will fall to me and I don't have the time

OP posts:
Mistigri · 01/06/2015 11:51

Sorry if I missed this but to what extent is she able to deal with her own hair in the mornings? Can she manage straighteners for eg?

I think the idea up-thread to wait until the school holidays is a good one. That way you can offer a compromise solution and there is also a bit of a cooling off period (it's quite possible she will change her mind about a radical haircut).

JustLikeMe · 01/06/2015 11:53

NoIsNot I think that the OP has heard very clearly what PP have said actually but very few people have heard what she is saying

  • the hair cut in itself will be an issue as she is very likely to faint
  • if the hair cut isn't an easy to manage style, her dd will struggle to get ready in the am which will make her feel worse about her health/how she feels about herself as she can't even manage something as simple as using starighteners for 5mins in the am (Remember this is the girl who struggles to walk for 10 mins!) + stress to be on time at the bus stop etc etc
  • Her dd ahving a very stressful time in the morning means a very stressfull time for all the other people on the house and that means the OP but also any other siblings. Is it such a good idea to put them under even more pressure/walking on egg shell that it is already the case?

So the OP question isn't whether her dd can have a shorter hairstyle, it's about whether it will manageable for her dd and acceptable for the family.

Hedge I think the idea of asking the opinion of a professional is a good one as well as asking how much maintenance it will take. Ask for figures not just a 'Oh it's very quick' because what is quick and effortless for most people won't be for her.'
Ask how long it will take to do the cut itself and check with her iof that is manageable for her. She might get very frustrated that she can't do it as it takes too long but you won't be saying NO iyswim.
Try and convince her that it would be better to do that just before the school so she has the whole summer to 'try it out' and see how much difficulties she has from dealing with it.
Ask her how she is planning her morning to get ready. I know sahe is having a lot of freedom re her clothes etc... but mornings seem to be fraught in the first place so maybe the first step would be to improve that so you have a bit more breathing space for the hair styling. Questions that come to my mind are: what is taking the most time, can it be done in the evening/in a different way? Is there some areas where she really needs your help and shw shouldn't try on her own? Can she get up 15mins earlier? Think about the order she is doing things, maybe she would feel better to get dressed etc after breakfast, if she has a shower in the evening rather than the am etc...

Original poster
Edenviolet · 01/06/2015 11:54

She washes her own hair infrequently I usually have to do it as she gets dizzy/faint and has neck back and shoulder probs, this also makes it hard for her to hold a hairdryer etc. straighteners of they were not heavy could be ok but again, dd faints a lot and they are hot so she would need supervision.
She is very frustrated by her limitations and I really feel for her but I really don't know what to do about this

OP posts:
JustLikeMe · 01/06/2015 11:55

xpost

NoIsNot you still haven't got it.