To not let dd have her hair cut?

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Dd1 (13) wants her hair cut very short. We have said no for the following reasons:

1. She will not be able to manage/style it and needs her hair at a length where it can be tied up if necessary
2. Her behaviour recently has not been good and she gets very angry when we say no to her

Dd maintains it is her choice and her hair and at 13 should be allowed to cut it however she wants. She struggles to get up everyday and wouldn't be able to style it and as she's sensitive about how she looks it would end up with her refusing to go to school if it doesn't 'look right'
She is furious with us.

I understand where you're coming from Hedgehog.
My 14 yr old ds is a nightmare to get into school every day. Anything that's not right is something to procrastinate over and try to refuse to go in.
I completely understand how worried you are about a potentially tricky hairstyle and how this will affect your already difficult mornings, especially with health issues at play as well.

I would probably make an appointment to discuss a new hair cut, but sound the hairdresser out so he/she can be realistic about the work involved in the new style, maybe suggest easier styles.
I don't think you can refuse to let her have it cut.
If she has it cut the hairdresser could probably show her and you quick ways to style it so if she's struggling in the morning you can offer to help her.

I have read a lot of posts from you OP. I know all the awful struggles you have going on in your life, all your children's health issues and everything. Your life sounds extremely hard so I understand your reluctance to let her have her hair cut when you know how badly it might end. I imagine the thought of something else that may cause issues to contend with fills you with dread when you have so much to contend with already. That is totally understandable. People who don't know your history may not realise exactly what else you have going on and how something that seems a non issue to us could cause you even more stress and dread when you are struggling to cope as it is. It isn't just one child's health issues you have to deal with every day.

That said, she is 13 and she wants some control over her life and you need to let her have it. I think it would try to compromise with her, will she be ok with waiting until the summer holidays? I have thick hair and curly hair and I have my hair cut like hers, one longer side and one very very short and it actually does only take a few minutes to straighten it and if I don't have time it does look silly but can be managed with just damping it a bit.

She needs to learn the consequences of her actions. If she gets the cut then she needs to realise that she can't not go to school if it doesn't look good one day. I think instead of saying no you should discuss it with her, share your concerns and come up with ideas together on how she will manage the days where her health is too bad for her to style it because not going to school is not an option. I have found with teens that if they think they have control they are much more happier to work with you.

Pulling her eyebrows and eyelashes out is a medical condition it sounds like your daughter has Trichotillomania .

If your daughter has got this she'll need help.Have a look at this link it explains about the condition www.nhs.uk/conditions/trichotillomania/Pages/introduction.aspx

Yes, I agree - definitely trichitillomania. Unfortunately, it's quite difficult to treat (I have a close relative who has suffered from it). Counselling can help but obviously it's going to be tricky if she refuses. She may find some help from online forums for sufferers.

It does sound like there is an awful lot going on with your DD and this haircut is just one issue. I'm a great believer as a parent in choosing one's battles - I don't think a haircut is worth getting into a fight over but I do understand the concern about a high-maintenance style. Could she be persuaded to have a short haircut in a style that is easier to maintain? Could you have a word with the hairdresser beforehand to get her onside?

Short hair is NOT easier to style! Not if you have wavy or thick hair. I've told my DD that no...she can't cut it short until she's old enough to manage hairdryers and straightners as like OPs DD she's FUSSY as HELL when it comes to her hair and will instantly regret it....and I will be called upon to style it!

Are you and your Dh having any counselling to help you deal with everything?

I speak as a person with disabilities, and DC with SN here myself, when I say you cannot micro manage everything your DC do.

Refusing an already troubled thirteen year old, the hairstyle of their choice, on their grounds of her health, is just setting yourself up for so much more trouble than you already have.

You have to learn to pick your battles, and I strongly believe that good counselling, will help you to get the perspective you need.

I have short, wavy, thick hair and it's extremely easy to style. I just wet it and pull it into place with my fingers as it dries. If it's just been washed it needs a little wax to define it but that's all.
However, it's not cut in one of those high maintenance asymmetrical styles but rather one which works with the natural movement and texture of my hair. It's a total cinch!

My 12yo dd has thick wavy hair. She also has it cut very short with a face-covering fringe. Which is wavy. If she had it a bit shorter, it would be straighter. There's no way I'd be suggesting she start straightening it. Atm it is very quick and easy to 'style': wash and brush.

So yes, yabu about the haircut, but I can see how it's got bound up in everything else.

Thick wavy hair often looks better in a short style imo. When mine was long is was really heavy and shapeless and looked frumpy. I got the lot chopped off when I was 24 and have never looked back.

I have read and taken all comments on board and I just keeping coming back to the stumbling block of how it could make mornings even more difficult. Dd wants to look perfect by her own admission I think when it comes to schoolwork and looks she is a perfectionist and if her hair doesn't go right it's going to cause huge issues on already hectic mornings.
She has to be at the coach stop at 7:55 and currently that's a struggle even with do driving her there as she can manage the ten min walk to it.
I think a compromise would be better of a much shorter hairstyle so she can see if she can manage but one that she can tie up still if she decides it's not for her or she can't manage in mornings but it seems to be all or nothing with dd

Can't manage the ten min walk that should say

It's her hair. She shouldn't have to compromise, at 13 she has autonomy over her own body.

I'm sorry but her health shouldn't come into it.

I am disabled, until I lost it, I had very thick waist length hair which DH usually had to wash for me, and tie up/plait etc. It was a faff and I'm sure he would have loved me to have an easier style but it was my hair and he respected my right to choose. (It also made for some interesting hair styles!)

Eventually I might have had to either cut it or pay someone to save him the time, but it would have been my decision. Can you see how it would have been wrong for my DH to dictate my hair style to me, just because I am disabled?

How long is her hair now & would keeping it long enough to tie back be enough/much of a difference?

Have you explained to herabout keeping it long enough to tie bak & why?

Plus my NT teenager seems incapable of leaving the house on time for the school bus.

Sometimes you have to separate the usual issues from health issues. Believe me, I know how hard this is, which is why I think some specialist counselling would help.

Can you compromise and say wait till term ends, its only about six weeks isn't it? She then has the long summer holiday to come to terms with it and if she is finding it hard to manage it won't take long in September to get it tied back again. She might surprise you, if she can save up for GHDs it wont take her long to straighten short hair.

But her health does come into it as she will want it perfect and on days that she can't manage to do it I will have to and tbh I just don't have any spare time in the mornings so health issues play a huge part in it. I won't lie if dd had no health issues and could get up and manage her hair then I'd be much more likely to let her have it however she wanted but as it is she needs so much help each day and I can't do everything.
I can fully see why she's a perfectionist with schoolwork and looks as she has said she feels inadequate in other ways and hates being unwell as it stops her doing so much so she wants to try and be the cleverest, funniest and prettiest .

I have tried to get counselling for her but she point blank refuses to go

Does she get help with her health issues? Is she in any kind of support group? Does she know other young people with her condition? If not try to find some support - ask her consultant if possible.
A referral to CAMHS would be ideal, if you could get one and they are any good in your area.
Do you know a good hairdressers? If so could you arrange for her to go in and discuss with them about hair styles? Which ones suit her face shape and hair, and how much upkeep they take etc.

Yabu

It's her hair and she is 13 not 3.

Let her do what she wants with it. I had some terrible hair styles and colours in my early teens and never asked permission from dm.

My DS has had control over his own hair style for years now. I don't like it as i don't think it suits him, but I can't control him forever so I let him make that choice

I have hair which is shorter on one side with a sweepy fringe. Sometimes I get eczema on my scalp which is aggravated by washing too much, so what I do is, spritz with dry shampoo and then pin the fringe up like a quiff, with lots of spray. great for disguising dirty hair. Or I'd wear quite a wide headband or scarf but with the fringe loose (again batiste is your best friend).

This could be a good option for difficult mornings.

I actually think the poster who said get it done as she wishes, close to the end of term, has the answer.

Three weeks of faffing in the morning would be enough to show her whether she can manage it or not, and time to regrow quite a lot of it before September.

I think you are right to seek a compromise hedgehog. Unlike, I suspect, some of the posters, I have a daughter this age and know how difficult the bad hair mornings can be (and my dd is a healthy and relatively easy teen). It's all very well saying that she will learn from her mistakes but you will suffer the fallout! Would people be so keen to suggest that she should learn from her mistakes in other areas? :-/ It's important to grant teenagers as much autonomy as possible but only so far as they are able to handle it.

This is the cut I have. It's very manageable.

By the way, my 12 year old son has a dreadful (non) haircut, it's up to him and it's fine as long as he doesn't have a crisis about it in the mornings! (Which he doesn't - he doesn't care how it looks). DD is much more vain and high maintenance haircuts are a definite no from me.

I do find this odd as I am a big believer in children finding their own preferences and styles rather than being controlled, and have always let my children choose their own clothes and hairstyles. I feel it is essential for their confidence and sense of self.

However, your family is very different and the hairstyle has become moxed up in discipline issues.

Can you try to separate the two issues? That is, say no to the haircut on the grounds of expense. Let her save up for it.
Or, say yes to the haircut because you acknowledge it is important to her, but maintain boundaries regarding behaviour.

I know you say she refuses counselling but might it be worth going yourself for support and strategies on managing?

We have struggled to find anyone else with similar issues dos he does feel quite isolated although one girl at her school has one of the same health problems.
Dd maintains she does not want any counselling so a referral to camhs would probably be pointless did rarely talks about her health to anyone and even when she's very unwell she hates fuss and gets very embarrassed.