To not let dd have her hair cut?

[Edenviolet]

Dd1 (13) wants her hair cut very short. We have said no for the following reasons:

1. She will not be able to manage/style it and needs her hair at a length where it can be tied up if necessary
2. Her behaviour recently has not been good and she gets very angry when we say no to her

Dd maintains it is her choice and her hair and at 13 should be allowed to cut it however she wants. She struggles to get up everyday and wouldn't be able to style it and as she's sensitive about how she looks it would end up with her refusing to go to school if it doesn't 'look right'
She is furious with us.

Have let DD do what she wants with her hair all her life provided she complies with school rules...actually, same goes for DS. He had a ponytail at 3 :)

Sorry, but why is she even asking you? At 13 I had my hair dyed pink and cut in an extremely attractive Mohawk, god how things have changed!

I think she asked because she has had problems having her hair done in the past (faints from siting down too long/gets too hot/gets neck and back pain ) so she knows she can't just go off and get it done and also as she has no money to just go and get anything done.

Why does she have no money?

Sounds like she has absolutely no control over anything in her life. I suspect she doesn't trust either you or the counsellor - she knows that as you are pushing her to go then you will find out what she says and are trying to control how she feels. I think you need to stand back a bit. She has a lot of medical issues going on, and it must be very hard for her. So if she goes to a counsellor, it might be better to find one who is completely divorced from anything medical. Come up with a few names, give them to her teacher/whoever is responsible for her at school and ask that they suggest she goes to see one. But back off. The more you insist the more likely she is going to feel that you are trying to take away the privacy of (as it sounds) the only thing she can keep private , her feelings.

She might have no money because she has spent it all!
Hedgehog, your DD has to have choices and also to learn the consequences of bad choices.
Let her have her hair the way she wants it, with the proviso that on bad days if she doesn't have the time or strength to style it the way she wants then she has to just wash it, let it dry naturally and go into school like that.
You have three other children to look after in the mornings and at 13 she is old enough to understand that you cannot do everything and that she needs to take responsibility for some things in her life. Like her hair and eyebrows.
And she can't be allowed to insist she isn't going to school because she has a spot!
However, I wonder if this is all related to ongoing body images? I think you said she was getting a body brace?

Wow you sound controlling.

And no wanting her to have long hair is not why, I think you are controlling because she is arguing with you and has not taken the scissors to it herself.

My dd has short hair, a decision she made when she was much younger than 13 (8 I think) and yes there are days when it looks a bit crazy, but mostly it is a lot less work. I also recently cut my hair from long to short and it's so much less effort to look after, minutes to wash, no drying faff and less weight on my head too. I would have thought with the health issues all of those things would be beneficial. I'm not sure why the default for young girls is long hair.

It sounds like the OP's dd has chosen a poor style for her hair but I think that the discussion should be about what short hair cut would work, not just a total refusal. I do think that there is a significant risk she might take the scissors to it herself if the OP doesn't bend at least a little.

I think some of you are being a bit mean to the OP. I kind of think that not letting her have short hair is mean as well. I wasn't allowed to have short hair and as soon as I had a Saturday job and had enough money to afford to go to the hairdresser I had my hair cut short.

However, I have read Hedgehog's other threads and I remember that it isn't just a no to short hair. The health issues are indeed a problem. Also, as the parent of a 14 year old I have also been subject to this kind of drama and know how much a teenager can put on the pressure to get their own way.

I think the way forward would be to take her to the hairdresser and have a discussion about how practical the hairstyle would be for the daughter to look after, and what kind of style would be easier to look after.

I wish you well hedgehog80 I know it isn't easy.

I think the compromise is hair magazines/online searching for now, and then a cut later, perhaps so there's only a few weeks of school left. If the novelty of styling it wears off, it'll grow over the summer. For now, I'd insist on her getting up a bit earlier to demonstrate she can manage time to style it.

At 13 she's old enough to decide what to do with her hair.

.... BUT

Short hair requires a lot more effort than long, and some hair types don't suit it. My DD had a fringe cut in about 2 years ago (12) at her insistence, and we both regretted it. Because her hair is wavy, it needs to be styled EVERY time it's washed if it's short. This gets old very quickly.

Recently she wanted a short cut again. I dissuaded her and now she prefers it long. It is her hair, of course (and in many respects I'm a very liberal parent) but dealing with hair straighteners at 7am before school is not fun.

You're still paying for her haircuts so you get a say in this!

If the hairdresser is a decent one then I think you should definitely speak to the hairdresser, go in without DD but maybe with a photo of her hair now and one of how she wants it. Explain your concern, see what they say.
Obviously if they are the type who just do any style on anyone this will be no good.

If this was my DD I would be trying to find a compromise, but I don't engage with screaming and shouting. If DD does that then I tell her we will continue the conversation later when she's had a chance to calm down.

I was an awful teenager, and incredibly unhappy. I can remember the rage I used to feel and the feeling of being out of control.i wanted to make my parents cross as it was a good release for my anger. My parents used to 'take the bait', my Dad in particular and get into an argument with me. It was a horrible time for everyone.
I try my hardest not to let that happen with my DC. I do get cross but generally am able to stop getting sucked into an argument. You do have to be reasonable though and we compromise on nearly everything with DD. Often my initial reaction in my head is no way. They are growing up and becoming independent, they need to be trusted to do the right thing but also trusted to make mistakes.

I would start a thread again about the other issues - illness and health problems, school refusing, pulling out eyebrows/eyelashes, refusing to speak to counsellor. The haircut may be the final straw but it's really not the main problem.

How long has she been ill, how much does it impact her life, will it change soon (for the better? Or worse?) Is this something she will always have to manage?

What's going on at school - has she missed a lot, treated differently, what friends does she have?

I think getting some help with those problems would put the hair into perspective and I fear on this thread the hair cut debate is just hiding the big issues.

Why not encourage her to have her hair cut into a long bob? That requires styling and straightening but is also ok if left and tied back.

If she can manage that then reconsider the other style. The effort of managing the long bob may well convince her it isn't for her.

I grew up in a children's home and I had very long hair because it was easy... for the staff that is. It only needed to be washed once a week and it could hang in long greasy bangs for the rest of the week.

When I was adopted at nearly 12 I exhibited a lot of the traits of PTSD due to the lack of control in my life. Thankfully my parents and big sister, who was reading medicine at the time saw this and started about re-establishing this.

... they started with my hair as they realised a lot of the tantrums in the morning were to do with the lack of control I felt over not being able to choose my hair style.

After much discussion and guidance I went for a pixie cut... loved it and 30 years I still look great in it. Looking back I think my sister enjoyed helping me discover me just as much as I did. It helped us bond.

Sorry OP whatever excuses you come up with doesn't make you any less unreasonable, YABVVU.

Maybe a long bob now, then cut how she wants it when school ends?

The long bob would be more manageable, then she would learn how to manage the asymmetric one over the summer. If it's too difficult for her to manage, she'll figure it out before school starts again and you'd be able to recut it to a manageable style.

If you are worried about her managing it in the morning before school, could you get her to wait until the summer holidays?

I was about to suggest that bigtilly :)
OP, why not suggest that good behaviour until school breaks up means that she can have her haircut, her way.
That gives her the whole of the summer holidays to get used to it, and learn how long it will take to style. If it's not manageable then it will probably have grown enough by September for her to have it cut into a shorter but more manageable style.
FWIW DS used to have Lightning McQueen stripes cut into his hair during the holidays on the proviso that he had a haircut before school started again. It just doesn't seem worth the hassle you're putting yourself all through

I haver to laugh at the posters saying "oh just a couple of minutes with straighteners!"

Goodness!

At that age I had long hair precisely because I CBA to put any effort in!

I would encourage her to wait until the beginning of the summer holidays and find a hairdresser who will advise your dd on what will work and be manageable. If your dd is compulsively pulling out eye lash/eyebrows, it's called trichotillomania. I've done this since I was about 9. It's linked to stress and anxiety. (Mine started when my mum's mental health problems were particularly bad.) There are a number of mumsnetters with it.

I've never found my short hair any effort at all. I wash it, rub it dry with a towel, give it a quick brush and I'm done, much the same as dd, ds and dh for that matter. I get that long hair can be put in bunches etc, but it takes longer to wash and dry, longer to brush, is more likely to tangle and then you have to carefully divide it for plaits etc. Mid length hair is a bit of a hassle with styling as it's more likely to go everywhere and bobs need to be neat, but pixie cuts only downside is the frequency of cuts needed.

I've had every length from Sinead O'Connor to Rapunzel and short is definitely easier and quicker. Without a doubt the most high maintenance style I've had is a long bob which needed to be washed and straightened every day and the ends would flick out and drive me nuts. If she struggles to wash and dry it without help from her Mum then no wonder she wants it cut. There may also be an element of not wanting a little girl hair cut, given that her health problems make her more dependent than your average teen.

I wouldn't make her earn choice in her hair style through good behaviour. If you decide her behaviour isn't good enough, you'll only increase her frustration and feeling of being out of control and compound the issue. She'll probably then end up hacking ar it herself like she's done with her eyebrows Work with her on it not against her.

Perhaps ask your DD how she will manage that hairstyle in the mornings. What she will give up on/do in the evenings to make time for it, how she will manage bad health days, what theschool's policy is. Get her to make a reasonable, adult case for it, and give her the chance to show you that she can do it. With gentle remaining of her plans when things go wrong. And a "we'll discuss this when you're calmer" if she kicks off at all.
My parents were unbelievably controlling most of the time got a lot of things wrong, but one thing that they got right was that I didn't have a curfew. I could stay out as long as I liked but 1) I had to wake one of them up when I got in and 2) I had to be pleasant in the morning after, under dire threat of not being allowedout the next time (it helps that they knew all my friends, and what I was generally up to- I'm sure that the liberty wouldn't have been allowed if I or any of my siblings had gone off the rails). I think this might be a good model for you: if she can present her case reasonably for why your worries are just that, then let her.
Give her a chance to prove herself, OP. She may surprise you.

I would be inclined to persuade her to have a halfway haircut to see if she likes is shorter then, as others have said, go for the full cut in the holidays.

Ultimately, it is her choice but having said that, if she is going to refuse to go to school if it looks wrong then that is your problem too. There was a thread recently where a DD had her hair cut really short and didn't like it.

Op im sure i've seen you post before, isn't your sister a selfish nightmare and stoppy? Because if you are the poster I remember you are all always letting your sister get away with bad behavior to have whatever she wants- even to your own detriment because she is so toxic behaved. So while your dd could be a typical teen maybe she also sees all your family and friends giving auntie what she wants, when she wants and thinks she should have the same?

The bigger issue is definitely being hidden by the hair one and needs sorting.