To not let dd have her hair cut?

[Edenviolet]

Dd1 (13) wants her hair cut very short. We have said no for the following reasons:

1. She will not be able to manage/style it and needs her hair at a length where it can be tied up if necessary
2. Her behaviour recently has not been good and she gets very angry when we say no to her

Dd maintains it is her choice and her hair and at 13 should be allowed to cut it however she wants. She struggles to get up everyday and wouldn't be able to style it and as she's sensitive about how she looks it would end up with her refusing to go to school if it doesn't 'look right'
She is furious with us.

My parents wouldn't let me have my hair cut short when I was 12 - so I cut it myself. They then had to take me to the hairdressers for her to sort it out.

She started by plucking then over plucked then started pulling them out by hand and also her eyelashes . As far as I can tell she hasn't pulled her actual hair out at all (I help her wash it and sometimes dry it if she can tolerate it)

Eyebrows are nearly grown back now I should add so she hasn't done it any more. We tried to encourage her to see the school counsellor about it as did the school nurse but she refused to attend an appt

Very sorry to hear of your DDs health troubles, OP, but it's her hair and she should be allowed to have control over it. YABU.

I think clearly she should do what she wants with her own hair but also she sounds v unhappy and lacking in self esteem. re her health issues, has she got any chance to talk to some one , say counsellor or psychologist about effects on her life etc?

Ok well that's something OP. I just wondered if she was pulling and hence wanted a shorter, more disguising, less tempting style. Hair and sensitivity about it is common in this situation. Maybe keep an eye out though.

She will not speak to anyone. Did not attend appt made for her with the school counsellor and hates being unwell. We suggested that she could see someone outside of school and she screamed and shouted that she wouldn't.

I don't really understand why you feel it's so important that she be able to tie her hair up?

Because it's a quick and easy solution if her hair doesn't go the way she wants it to in the morning/she's too unwell to style it.

YABVVVVVU! No wonder she gets angry if she has so little control over her own life that she isn't allowed to choose her own hairstyle. I think I'd get angry, wouldn't you? Save the "no" for things that matter, OP.

I'm 55. At your DDs age I remember my mum refusing point blank to take me to a hairdresser's to get my hair cut shorter.

So I cut it myself.

is that what you want?

Tell her she can have the haircut if she goes to the school councillor...

Stick and carrot and all that...

You do realise that she'll cut it herself don't you?

It's her hair, you shouldn't be forcing her to keep it at a length she doesn't want. That's actually quite controlling. She's 13, not 3.

Why is her normal stroppy teen behaviour got anything to do with how long or short her hair can be. That's like saying you can't file your nails because you didn't eat all your vegetables.
She's 13 it's up to her. It's just hard to watch them become slowly independent. Cutting her hair is a new stage for you. It's like the little girl will be gone. I see why you don't want to let her to do it but don't stop her.

It has everything to do with behaviour as she wants us to pay for an expensive haircut and she has been getting increasingly argumentative and doing silly things/having tantrums.
Nothing at all to do with not wanting my little girl to be gone I'm happy for her to have much shorter hair but it has to be a manageable style and she can barely function some mornings. Add to that a style she wants to be perfect and may not be and its a recipe for disaster

What do you think about the majority view on the thread?

I got fed up on reading past the first two pages of YABU. So apologies if I repeat anything that's been said.

I actually agree with you. I remember my mum allowed me to get my hair cut short in to a Victoria Beckham style bob when it was popular. It was absolute horrific. My hair is curly so just wasn't the right style for my hair and I hated having to try to style it every morning. I sobbed with relief when my hair finally reached a stage where I could just tie it up on a bad hair day, slap a bit of hairspray on and be off to school!

If this is something that's important to your daughter but you don't think she deserves it because of her behaviour, incentivise it.

For example, tell her if she gets 50 ticks in a month, she can have her hair done.

Have sections like:

No verbal aggression or answering back
Attend school on time
Stay in school all day

That gives her the opportunity to get 17 ticks a week.

She could actually earn what she wants in three weeks if she doesn't miss a tick!

You sound as if you have a great deal to contend with, OP, and this just seems to be the last straw. You are obviously having a very stressful time with your daughter for reasons neither of you are to blame for, and you have other children to look after too. If mornings are a nightmare, getting everyone ready and with your daughter already refusing school on some occasions, I don't blame you at all for dreading doing something which you feel will make matters even worse.

I would treat this - potentially problematic - hairstyle as the practical problem it is: you worry that it will add more time-consuming faff to the morning routine while your daughter gets used to styling it properly and you may well be right. That was a great idea of a pp to get the haircut at the beginning of the holidays to have six weeks to practise before the new term. Sell it as an exciting start to the summer - something to look forward to at the end of term. I would be very positive about it to get your daughter onside and perhaps offer to take her to a really nice hairdresser to get it done. The less opposition your daughter senses from you, the more willing she will be to cooperate. Good luck!

Yes, I have read every reply I just find it hard as I can imagine exactly how mornings will be with yet another potential issue on top of everything else

Ok, so what is the result of you continuing to her stop her?

Hedge it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and it's clear that you are just struggling to do the right thing for your girl.

Best of luck with this, I hope you can find something that works for you both.

Honestly, I really think you've picked the wrong battle here. It's sounds as if your DD's hair is the least of your worries.

I know you say she has health problems and I'm sure that must affect how you deal with her in many ways, so it's hard to give advice without knowing more (not asking you to disclose more btw), but it sounds like she needs firm boundaries and a counsellor. Also, let her face the consequences of her actions, let her pencil her own eyebrows for a start, she's not the first teenager to have fucked up her eyebrows, but then pulling all the remaining hairs and eyelashes out sounds a bit odd IMO.

How about she can get her haircut straight after she attends one counselling session... or preferably before.

I know u r issues with mornings, behaviour etc but I think you need to let her do what she wants with her hair...that's beyond controlling at her age irrespective of everything else.

The self esteem issues are going to happen whether she's long or short hair so u r just creating extra conflict to my mind by not allowing her normal 13 yr old ability to make decisions. The fact that her hairstyle is even seen as yr decision is odd. I can appreciate her health issues make it hard to step back but I think u have to on this. her hair and even the mornings are not the issue. her v low self esteem is.

It sounds v v stressful for u both, hope things improve.

I'd also make sure she's no eating issues going on, hopefully not.

best of luck anyway

Olgaga At your DDs age I remember my mum refusing point blank to take me to a hairdresser's to get my hair cut shorter. So I cut it myself. is that what you want?

I thought the same thing. Ive often got bored with my hair and rather than wait for an appointment at the hairdressers I've just got the scissors out. As a 10 year old I wanted my waist length hair short, my mum cut it for me! I looked like a boy, but at the time I didn't care, I had what I wanted.

Op you need to let your dd grow up and choose a hairstyle she likes. You might find giving into something like this makes her more compliant on other things. I have a very awkward 15 yo DS and I find that when I show a little bit of softness he is much more likely to do what I want him to afterwards.

It's only hair. She will have good hair days and bad hair days and either way she needs to know that school isn't optional. Get her a couple of headbands and tell her that if it's not going right she sticks a hairband on and goes anyway, or she can practice a few no-fail alternatives for tricky hair days.

Short hair is so much quicker to wash and dry and it will give her confidence if she can express herself with a cool hairstyle rather than being lumbered with Rapunzel locks because you don't trust her to cope with it short.